<p>I think it’s worth mentioning that there may be a stinky accident whenever one is with a population of old old people. The trick is how they deal with it.</p>
<p>We looked at, IIRC, 9 facilities, most of them unannounced. In a couple of cases, we called ahead. But we never had to make an appointment. </p>
<p>Dharma, you may want to drop in sometime between now and the 22nd. Tell them you just want a quickie pre - tour before you bring Mom over. If they balk, i’d consider that a giant red flag. </p>
<p>Good idea LasMa. I will do that. We are visiting an AL for a tour and lunch in a town nearby in CT, and then the closer one in NY on Fri. I will preview both. But other AL facilities I researched are too far away for me to go there, drive her to the MD and back, etc. Unless there is some obvious problem that rules out both facilities, the choice will be between these two. </p>
<p>I had an incident today. Mother seems to need something vital every day and the caregiver does not drive. Today it was an RX she needed IMMEDIATELY, and overnight diapers. So I go to her house go get her credit card, go to CVS for the needs… At the counter was an old friend, a grandma now whose adopted daughter from Korea used to babysit my girls. She is a volunteer at the community resource center that sometimes supplies drivers for my mother; during a NH stay I called and told her to cancel a drive scheduled for my mother–mother was in the NH. So naturally she kindly asked me, How is your mother? I was feeling alright, but all of a sudden I started to cry in front of about four people. She and I stepped away and I told her about my sister’s silence which I find very upsetting on a personal sister to sister, aunt to nieces, levels, and just the level of friendship. We used to exchange emails frequently–in fact, nearly every day. I am confounded and utterly stupefied that she has severed communication with me. The kind woman offered for me to call her anytime. Her beautiful daughter, a foundling on a street in S Korea 25 years ago, is now an MA in library science, a librarian, with a husband and baby girl, living in Florida.</p>
<p>Have been observing my mother sitting very still in a chair doing nothing every day, the Polish caregiver energetically cleaning everything in sight. Today she was washing windows. My mother’s needs are not time-consuming, so what can the caregiver do? She gets, sent from the payroll agency, her first paycheck tomorrow. My mother’s sitting absolutely still without even a Lands’ End catalogue to look at indicates to me that she is feeling bad. I read an article today in the NYTimes about how atrial (sp?) fibulation, which she has, easily leads to a stroke. So the future is a big unknown, but I take each day as if everything were as 'normal" as possible.But don’t get me wrong; she is super-attentive to her well being and has lined up quite a few MD appts, and saw two MDs late last wk. Tomorrow I get to return her empty bottles and cans to the beer and soda store and get the coke and seltzer and bottled water she cannot LIVE WITHOUT. </p>
<p>Dharmawheel, she wants to see you every day but won’t admit it. So every day she thinks of something she cannot LIVE WITHOUT!</p>
<p>Just like a toddler, lol. Me! Me! Me!</p>
<p>Dharma, are you ok with being on this short string? Some people need to feel that connection, need to go that extra mile. But, there are alternatives for those who can’t. We have stores that deliver (including a liquor store.) My mother initially balked at the $5 charge for pharmacy deliveries, which were never more than 2x/month. She would prefer I drive across town, pick them up and bring them to her. It was the two long sides of a triangle for me to do that. For certain supplies, I finally started bringing her 2 months worth, at a time. </p>
<p>Things will be very, very different when she is in AL. She will see very little of me or her grand-daughters. This close-living-arrangement and frequency of face-to-face has gone on for years and is natural to her. Yes, it is natural to many multi-generational families. I read in the NYT today that…I think the figure was…20% of Asian-Americans have three-generations under one roof. But I needed to break free from my mother years ago, but she circumvented that my moving to a house nearby, despite all advice. I did not have the heart to say
“NO” but I did say said please consider what Dr. G (the shrink) said.(He advised against it; it was as close as I could get to saying “no please.”) In her declining yrs, it has had pluses and minuses. I do not have to drive an hr to get her RX; a mere few minutes. But what we have had going on for years is a close, multi-generational, frequent get-together lifestyle which I succumbed to (it is difficult for me to be in the same room with my mother) because she was quite perfectly acceptable as a grandmother to the girls. The girls are too old now; they have lost interest in cuddly friendly elders. And, from so much said above, AL is the recommended and the right choice for the future. </p>
<p>Then, by all means, go through this last period before AL in the way that works for you, knowing these are doable things, for you.
We can’t know all your details. But we can see, even from a distance, some patterns. That’s why we bring up certain things we can relate to, from our own experiences. </p>
<p>LF, thank you for that extremely, extremely kind question and remark. Yes, I have been doing this for years, but I do not have an outside job (sometimes, I think, to my lack of courage and over-commitment to my daughters), and I have hours with my Poodle and my girls and evenings chatting with my loquacious and best friend DH with whom I have weathered many storms. Yes, I can attend to these needs without injuring my well-being. Now is a particularly hard time because of the since-mid-June health crisis, and great efforts await in the near future. Getting mother into AL, selling the house, settling finances, and canceling all the detailed paperwork of hiring an Employee await, but, without revealing personal details, I have been through much worse. Thank you for your kind concern, my friend.</p>
<p>LF, our posts overlapped. As I revealed earlier, what is uppermost in my mind tonight is why my sister has abandoned me. But my husband loves to cook and I am going upstairs to eat his sausages and peppers and hang on dearly to my good fortune!</p>
<p>If this high frequency of face to face visits has gone on for years, she will expect it to continue when she is in the NH/AL. She will have no expectation to change her behavior, and she will likely expect yours to remain the same as well. She will survive without water and cola products if it doesn’t work in your schedule to go tomorrow. </p>
<p>Also, apologies for being blunt, but please stop reading all the NYT articles that give your reason to come up with more things to worry about. Yes there is a risk of stroke with a history of afib, but there are risks of lots of other things with advancing age. Time to start thinking about yourself.</p>
<p>Sausages and peppers! Gotta love the NYC area.
And someone who’ll make them for you. 
</p>
<p>Dharma, I’ve had that where-the-@&#*-did that-come-from breakdown. I bet a lot of us have. It feels good. :-)</p>
<p>I don’t blame you for feeling baffled and hurt about your sister. Could you possibly call her husband? Does she have any kids you could try to reach? </p>
<p>if sis has a chronic illnes that is susceptible to flare ups under stress, it may be understandible that, as she stepped away from mom many years ago, that her silence is a coping skill for her. She may not be avoiding you, but avoiding info/stuff relaated to mom. Don’t think I’d contact her extended family. That could be more stressful for her.</p>
<p>I’d just send her whatever you feel like in terms of updates and indicate that you miss her friendship and support, especially as you could use it at this time. I’d tell her you’re too busy to send her more than whatever you feel up to and she can get more if she contacts you.</p>
<p>Dharma, on second thought, I retract what I said about contacting your sister’s family. jym is right.</p>
<p>@dharmawheel has your sister’s life changed since you were so close before? My sister use to call me often during her problem years with and after first husband or with a daughter situation, but now that she is happily remarried, I hear very little from her. If there is a crisis, yes.</p>
<p>Maybe your sister is a ‘fair weather friend’; not around during problems.</p>
<p>Maybe she emotionally cannot handle?</p>
<p>Maybe she allows her job to consume her?</p>
<p>Since sister is far away, dealing with what you have ‘at hand’ to do is enough.</p>
<p>Glad you have nice things going on with DH and DDs - smart and talented.</p>
<p>Thanks for the feedback. No I would never contact her husband. My father had post-polio syndrome and walked with a cane. Years ago, certainly within earshot of my father, my sister’s husband called him “a cripple.” What kind of person could be so cruel? He has always acted like an outsider/alien.My father never got over it.</p>
<p>They have no children, but many animals on whom they heap attention and care. What does it mean to have SEVEN dogs?</p>
<p>My sister has a friend who sent me a condolence card when my dog died last yr and I have her email address, but I dont think I will contact her at all.</p>
<p>I suspect your sister may have become exhausted by both your mother and the complicated swirl around her. Each time you send her multi emails, letters and revisions, maybe it just makes it that much clearer to her that Mom pulls the strings and the daughters have little power, that this has been your choice, not one for her. </p>
<p>We can’t really grief our relatives into buying in to more…grief. Your hope now is to get Mom into AL. Not to be done with this, not to say, “that’s that,” because I think your heart is in trying to do the right thing. But to significantly reduce the load she places on you and your family. Mom has you driving, so to say, at 100; maybe you can get than down to 40.</p>
<p>I doesn’t matter how many animals Sis has or what anyone thinks of her husband. It’s a shame, yes, that you don’t have her to share this load. But some here have been saying, reduce that load. You can control for that. </p>
<p>I too deal with an “absent” brother. After nearly 5 years of 24hr home health care for my mother, (also bi-polar and dementia), we are faced with the medicaid applications, etc. I thought that moving my mom into my home would give her one more year of care with the most wonderful caregiver in the world! We go back and forth from CT to Florida several times a year. I am also dealing with my 97 yr old aunt and her cargiver, finances and doctors. I contacted my brother, (he lives 30 minutes away), to get his thoughts and his reply was, “let me know what you decide”. We both went through quite a bit growing up with my mother with her bi-polar mood swings, anger, 7 surgeries in 13 yrs and she ruled with her hand. I can understand exactly how you feel. It is very hard to “let go”. Right now, concentrate on settling your mom’s situation, then, do something that I should have done many years ago, find a good therapist. </p>
<p>We live on the NY, CT border, not far from you. I finally ordered groceries through Pea Pod and went to mail order for medications. Let me know which AL facility you are looking at, I’m familiar with several of them in the Danbury/Ridgefield area.</p>
<p>Hang in there!</p>
<p>EC mom, that is such a sad, amazing story. The AL we are visiting on Monday in Danbury is called Maplewood. the only other two “nearby” are in Newtown and Brookfield, too far. The one we are visiting on Fri 8/22 is only 10 minutes away, The Plaza at Clover Lake. Lasma suggested I drop in before appts for a look-see which I will do this weekend–only time available.</p>