Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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<p>Just today, we have again the eternal issue of when to take the car keys away. This gentleman’s family didn’t do it soon enough:</p>

<p>[100-year-old</a> driver backs into crowd, injures 11 near L.A. school](<a href=“http://www.freep.com/article/20120830/NEWS07/308300290/100-year-old-driver-backs-into-crowd-injures-11-near-L-A-school-100-year-old-driver-hits-11-near-school-in-south-L-A-]100-year-old”>http://www.freep.com/article/20120830/NEWS07/308300290/100-year-old-driver-backs-into-crowd-injures-11-near-L-A-school-100-year-old-driver-hits-11-near-school-in-south-L-A-)</p>

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<p>Welcome to my life :slight_smile: Mom is 82, had a stroke 10 years ago, and has an unusual medical condition that keeps things interesting. Add in the fact that she thinks taking medication is a character weakness, yet she tells the doctors that she takes them as prescribed. Good news is that medical care here vs. where we used to live is stellar: all her doctors are electronically connected so they all see what is currently going on with the hematologist, pulmonary specialist, cardiologist, dentist, and geriatric specialist. Other good news is that since I’m an only child, there’s no grey area about who’s taking care of what and all the doctors know me. I used to have this fantasy that if I’d had siblings then we could have equitably split up the load, but watching my friends go through the same stuff has shown me that the sibling issue can add another layer of aggravation. Bad news is that my mom & I don’t see eye to eye and I can’t put her in a time out :wink: Thankfully she still lives in her own apt. and manages with only a monthly housekeeper. </p>

<p>My in laws are now in FL, with us in TN and other siblings in NJ. MIL is dealing with some type of memory issue, which either isn’t being addressed/diagnosed correctly or FIL isn’t sharing details. I’d love to go down & take the bull by the horns and get her to the right kind of doctors, but it’s not my mom. DH is trying to gently nudge FIL from a distance, and SILs just get annoyed because MIL keeps repeating herself. Sigh. They are much younger than my mom & it’s gonna be a mess.</p>

<p>Hugs to all dealing with this. My friends & I have a running list of things to remember for the “last house” so that we can spare our kiddos some of the avoidable annoyances that go along with having aging parents.</p>

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<p>DH and I have been through this with my FIL, who died last year, and my mother who’s in a nursing home. </p>

<p>FIL didn’t want to give up his freedom, but was not coping well living by himself. SIL lived nearby and checked in on him frequently; DH and BIL visited him as often as they could. It took awhile to convince him to give up driving, but he eventually did. DH and his siblings didn’t feel like they could be forceful with their father about what kind of living situation was in his best interest until it was too late. He died within weeks of agreeing to go into assisted living.</p>

<p>I’m an only child, so dealing with my mother has been totally up to me. There’s noone to share the stress and decision-making with, but there’s also noone to disagree with about that decision-making. I’ve given my mother fewer choices about what’s best. When she first started developing dementia, I knew she needed to live closer to me. Even though she blamed me for ruining her life, I moved her to an assisted living facility closer to me. We visited a few facilities, so she was able to choose the one she preferred. When she was admitted to a nursing home, she wasn’t happy about that either, but she’s adjusted to it. The best thing I was told while making that decision was by the nurse at the assistedlliving facility who reminded me that it was OK to consider myself in the decison-making. Putting her in the nursing home was not only a good decision for her, but also for me.</p>

<p>Both of my sons have seen all we’ve gone through with our parents. I hope they’ve learned the importance of family.</p>

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<p>Has anyone tried Skype with an elderly parent? Mom is 86, and in pretty good health. Her major complaint now is loneliness, with many friends gone or in assisted care. She doesn’t want to leave her home, which means she won’t have the social stimulus from an assisted care living center. She has an iMac, so I’m thinking of setting up Skype on the next visit. We would call her, so she would only need to click on the green “answer call” icon to complete the call. Personally I prefer a phone call to a video chat, but others tell me the video feels much more like a real “visit”. We are 3 hours away, so don’t get there in person more than once a month.</p>

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<p>I’m personally finding difficulty in being the in-law (or out-law as it may be). My husband isn’t a caregiver type so his attitude is to let his parents deal with their problems themselves until they ask for help and then he helps. But like someone above said - I don’t think they will always ask for help. I think they need it but they aren’t asking. There is too much pride all around and the relationship between DH/myself and my in-laws has not always been good. It’s a quandry. </p>

<p>They seem ok now but I know it won’t last. They have a gigantic house with stairs everywhere and we have a tiny house. I told my DH that when the time comes I think we should move into their house with them instead of vice versa, since we have no room for extra people (and pets). But then we’ll look like we’re trying to pull something to get their gigantic house for ourselves. I don’t want a gigantic house with stairs everywhere as I get older. And they bought this as their retirement house!</p>

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<p>momsquad - we’ve used skype with parents, with varying degrees of success. If everything works, it is great. </p>

<p>My parents are thousands of miles away, in another country. H only had his mom and she too passed away four years ago. When she fell sick (diagnosed with cancer), H was down there for over a month helping her with everything. Fortunately for us, BIL who is single, just willingly relocated to stay with his mom and help her. </p>

<p>I was down there for three weeks, twice this past summer. First time around, mom was just sick - took a while to figure out what was wrong. She was slowly recovering when she fell and broke her hip. Now, she’s on the mend from that - albeit slowly. My brother is there and is bearing the brunt of the calls when one of them is sick, but this isn’t easy.
We have a full-time nurse and a cook at home to help out.</p>

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<p>Took mom for a third visit to the assisted living apartment today. She is trying to be a good sport but i know she is unhappy about the move. The main reason for the move is because if her dementia and I woke up last night with my heart racing thinking about how confusing the move will be. Now she walks to visit dad in skilled nursing, but I am afraid she will head back to her old apartment when she moves.</p>

<p>I practiced with her multiple times today - i have til next Wed to retrain her.</p>

<p>Like I said - helicopter daughter!!</p>

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<p>WNP2 - How life does go in circles. I remember walking my daughters to their kindergarten classroom so they would know the way. Then, going to the BIG high school to help them find their classes before school started, and finally going from building to building on their college campuses so they would feel comfortable on the first day of classes. If needed, I hope they will help me ‘find my way’ as you are helping your mother.</p>

<p>A few months ago a lady moved to the assisted care facility where my mother lives, who has mild to moderate dementia. Her 50-something son stayed with her all day her first day, through all three meals, participating in all the activities that day. I remember thinking what a kind, loving thing that was to do.</p>

<p>Wishing you much success as your mother learns her new path!</p>

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<p>

my brother and I were saying the exact same when we were looking at care homes for my Mum. We were both sent to boarding school as kids because my Dad’s job took him to countries when there weren’t International schools back in those days. It reminded us of my Mum searching for boarding schools for us. Then they told us we needed labels for her clothes (for laundry purposes) and that just brought back even more memories. At least she doesn’t have to wear a uniform. Sigh.</p>

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<p>After my mother had been in assisted living for several years in a place about 30-60 minutes away, depending on traffic, 2 new facilities opened minutes away from me. I decided that, altho it would be infinitely more convenient to have her closer, it would be confusing for her to be in new apartment with new staff, activities and routines. She remained in that assisted living facility further away until she went to a nursing home.</p>

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<p>WNP2, I hope the move goes well. Call me if you need help. And, yes, we need to chat. I sent you an email awhile back but those dates are probably obsolete by now. When the dust settles, just let me know.</p>

<p>To the rest of you, WNP2 had warned me that once my parents moved into a retirement community, I could end up having to make more decisions than I was already complaining about with regards to selling their home and property. I listened politely, but I knew she was wrong. Oops! She was right!</p>

<p>It really helps to read about the thought processes others have gone through. This is a great self-help group.</p>

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<p>^^ Re making decisions when they going into assisted living, that’s been my experience too. I am pretty much running their lives now. My brothers and I confer on major decisions, sometimes without even informing Mom and Dad. I think at some point, they just resigned from all responsibility. Recently, I was discussing finances with my dad (who used to be all over this stuff). He has no idea now how much money they have, where it’s invested or why, or who’s in charge of it. And he doesn’t care. They live very much in the moment; as long as they’re well fed and comfortable, they’re happy.</p>

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<p>My brother is bearing the brunt of dealing with my Mum’s house because he lives there (England) and I live here in the US. He just told me today that when he went to the house this week he suddenly had a flash back to a long ago Christmas at the house with him and me and my Mum, Dad, Pop (Mum’s Dad) and Nana (Mum’s Mum who died when I was 13) and he had a meltdown. Made me cry. </p>

<p>Now I’m in a quandary. I had offered to come over and help him deal with it but he really felt there was no point in my coming over at this point. Given that, I went ahead and signed up for 2 classes (trying to finish an accounting degree). Plus, as many of you know, my husband has been undergoing treatment for cancer since last November. He is doing good right now, but I’m loathe to leave him for any extended period (especially after hearing today that a friend I met through a support group got the news today that her husband, who was diagnosed the same time as mine has been given 1-2 weeks). So now I just don’t know what to do.</p>

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<p>WNP- your Mom is lucky to have you. I had the same concerns with moving my parent. In the new setting, it has taken him awhile to learn his way around the unit. Today, a care provider from his former care level told me that she had been prompting him on how to get to his friend’s room for the month before he left; this was a well-worn path. I was glad that since he was going to have to learn his new space eventually, that he was doing it sooner rather than later, with even less ability. Also, wanted caretakers to get to know him while he was well and personable.</p>

<p>I found for him the anticipation of the move was harder than the move itself. Poor memory makes it harder to look back. He also was with it enough to know that there were some people on his new unit who were very ill and much more confused, and I had to walk him through how everyone was there to receive the level of care that was appropriate for them.</p>

<p>Here’s to a smooth transition.</p>

<p>Thoughts going out to all who manage their parents’ affairs. Illnesses of different types put logistics on my plate and I was grateful that they yielded decision-making gracefully when the time was right. What a relief when they knew they were in good hands and no longer had to navigate paperwork, elaborate phone processes, etc. I learned a lot from how my mother handled her illness and death. I plan to implement much of what she did with my kids, knowing how helpful it was to me to know her drs, attorneys, preferences, etc.</p>

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<p>I am so happy to see this thread. I am dealing my similar issues with my mom. She was diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia this spring. It has been a hard decade for her: she has lost siblings, her youngest child who was in his 40’s, financial hardships etc. </p>

<p>For those with parents with dementia, are you dealing with anger too? My mother is so, so very angry. I understand her frustration with the loss of control but she is just mean-hanging up on me, her realtor who is working hard to sell her house, friends…and seems pleased with herself for doing it… I assume it is a control thing, but I am getting so tired. Anyone having the same issues?</p>

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<p>^^ Both of my parents have changed personality since dementia started coming on. Mom used to be gracious and kind; now she’s critical and catty. Dad, OTOH, used to be depressed and brooding, and now he’s happy all the time.</p>

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<p>I think I’m seeing this with my father, who is staying with us while his condo is being renovated. I swear, if I didn’t put something out for him for breakfast and lunch, I’m not sure he would get up off his duff and eat. He never had any trouble living independently at his condo (I stayed with him for 10 days before his stay with me, so I got to see him in his every day life.)</p>

<p>It’s like he’s resigned from all responsibility for his own care. I’m there to take care of him…which is NOT what I want. My endgame is for him to take care of himself, with my being in the background to provide a safety net for when he needs it.</p>

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<p>I’ve been following this thread with great interest but no one has discussed my particular dilemma so I’m wondering if anyone else has the same problem. I’m now the primary “caretaker” for my father who is in his mid-eighties and is really starting to fall apart. He lives alone and my only other sibling lives hundreds of miles away. The problem is that my father was/is an abusive alcoholic who essentially tortured every member of his family. I know taking care of him is the right thing, the christian thing and what I should do, but I absolutely hate it as I can hardly stand being in the same room with this man. He does not have the means to move to assisted living and is receiving some help in his home but everything else falls to me. And guess what? I really don’t want this job. Not caring for someone who made the first eighteen years of my life a living hell. Anybody else out there like me?</p>

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<p>I’ll answer. I am in the position of managing my mother’s placement in a nursing home, with help from one sibling. Although she wasn’t an abusive alcoholic, she was/is selfish, thinking of what’s best for her, borrowing money, living without a care in the world and depending on her kids to help her when she couldn’t meet the rent (we did, like trained seals). </p>

<p>It has not been easy. I do not like being with her, either. She is a difficult person, and her personality has not changed one bit, and she has no dementia issues that would excuse it.</p>

<p>Are you doing the “right” thing by helping? Yes, I believe you are - at this stage of the game. If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t let my mother get away with all the crap she dished out over the years - basically emotional blackmail. But I can’t change that history.</p>

<p>I would keep visits to your dad to a minimum, and make sure his financial affairs are in order - I would consult with an elder care attorney to make sure you are getting all the ducks in line. </p>

<p>My kids know how I feel about my mother - about her limits as a human being. She was limited as a grandparent, too. They know I would not act to them as she did to me. I wonder if I am being a good example by seeing her through this, or a bad one, by being a doormat all these years? I don’t know. </p>

<p>My mother wasn’t a “living hell” like it sounds like your dad was though. Again, please force him to attend to his finances (house, assets, insurances, power of attorney, health care proxy) now. If he refuses, then don’t see him at all. I would attend to all of that, and oversee the legal process. That’s enough. Social visiting - minimum.</p>

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<p>I’m here. It will be so nice to talk to people going through the same thing I am. More later, but Mom had a stroke in December, Dad has neuropathy, and MIL just broke her pelvis.</p>