<p>somemom, they were told in no uncertain terms not to come together again – by FIL? Or by the facility?</p>
<p>FIL, he lives at home with wheelchair bound wife and live in caregiver. He wanted the boys to come together for the last few years and now apparently he is getting paranoid and thinks they are going to plot against him. Bizarre.</p>
<p>Sigh. Once they start going paranoid, there’s no bringing them back.</p>
<p>somemom- could they go during a holiday or birthday where it does not seem obvious they are there at the same time?</p>
<p>I think I’d look at documenting these incidents. It can be difficult when the cognitive abilities seem to be there. Is FIL good to the caretaker? </p>
<p>NPR today talked about a Princeton study where daughters of elderly parents spend and avg of 12 hours/mo where sons spend 5 hrs/mo. Also the men will shift the work to a sister. No surprises there!</p>
<p>I know many of the men and women on this thread go way beyond these averages, so hugs to all of you.</p>
<p>Yes, my GFs do spend a ton of time and energy caring for their frail elders. My sister does as well take care of her MIL, tho her H does his part as well. It’s not easy, but it does have it’s rewards–for example, some of them fondly recall the time the elders spent with the kids when the kids were younger and feel this is a way to partly repay for that, as well as the care their folks lavished on themselves when they were growing up. It’s always so much easier when the elders are appreciative rather than prickly, but there is so much variability that it’s hard and no one knows how the person will be from day to day.</p>
<p>One reason for the skewed hours probably that women work outside the home fewer hours than men. And I expect that more men work fulltime than women. I do not work outside the home, so when my dad was recently hospitalized, I was the one there with him everyday. My brother works fulltime but he did come on the weekends and I stayed home then. So I certainly did ‘put in’ more hours than my brother, but I didn’t have to take vacation hours to do so. </p>
<p>I also go with my parents to their dr visits because they are during the day and I am able to do so, My brother has to take a vacation day to do this so it’s more ‘costly’ for him. </p>
<p>somemom - It seems that they maybe need to “plot against him?” I like to call it an intervention. If they have the finances, and the current situation is working for all involved, then staggered visits would work and are probably a good idea. But, if the current situation is not working, it is appropriate for the children to come to consensus on a solution. Perhaps that is what he fears? But, if he fears it, such an intervention does need to happen. </p>
<p>The current situation is nearly working. We all think that they could be much happier in assisted living due to the social factor, but no one has any interest in changing their situation if they want it the way it is.
FIL has always treated the hired help like family and family like hired help, but he is still mean to her, though being fully aware of the desperate need for her, he tries to be considerate.
I do have DH’s email documenting numerous cruel incidents, talked to the guys about and no one wants to fight for conservatorship right now. The only change they would make would be to bring in a substitute caregiver on the live ins days off, currently FIL does not want any one on those days and it’s not pretty.</p>
<p>Yes, GT, his very hostility about the potential of plotting against him makes they wonder about it. We are looking into submitting a request to have his DL evaluated by the DMV, maybe having all kids & in laws sign it so that no one person gets blamed if he finds out who did it.</p>
<p>I am not sure any of us can stand to go there alone, he is a miserable SOB and it helps to have moral support.</p>
<p>Somemom, can I ask a question? Is your FIL kind to your MIL? Does he cause her any agitation? My MIL/FIL have been in a very similar situation, with the MIL being the caregiver and FIL disabled. After a long year, he passed away last Thursday, but your situation sounds just like where my DH and his siblings were a year ago. </p>
<p>@BerneseMtnMom, he is not nice enough. He is not intentionally cruel, but he is a harsh person, always has been, this is not just age, it is age showing his true colors more constantly than previously, but same true colors, just more of them, He does not cause her agitation, but he frustrates her and angers her, as he always has.</p>
<p>He is impractical and unrealistic, not wanting to admit the frailties of aging. For instance, he dropped her transferring when the caregiver was off, told the boys that it was her fault. Which it likely was in theory, except she is not capable of being at fault due to her conditions.</p>
<p>MIL & FIL always had a bickering relationship, she still tries to assert power by making sarcastic snipes, but she cannot say them fast enough to be witty (stroke) and he can barely hear. It’s a mess, but they chose each other, so I try not to stress it too much.</p>
<p>BerneseMtnMom,
Sorry for your loss. </p>
<p>Bookreader,
I don’t have statistics, but I have to wonder really just what percentage of that disparity in brothers vs sisters caring for parents is really due to male/female employment. I dont think its all that much. In general, caretaking tends to fall on the females. Can only speak from my personal experience (myself and clients) but the females, regardless of employment statud, did the lions share of the work. And this was also regardless of distance they lived from the aging parents. Sometimes too it was the dau in law of the aging parent(s) doing much of the primary caretaking.</p>
<p>Fort myself, thank heavens for my DH. I couldnt have done what we did without him. He handled much of the financial side of managing things for my dad. And my DH never complained. I count my blessings. I worked full time. My <em>&$W)</em>&
bro did nothing.</p>
<p>Hugs to you, somemom. It sounds very familiar, but with just male and female roles switched. I never described all what was happening in the family on this thread, but this thread has been very helpful during the last year. </p>
<p>Hospital bed should arrive at her place tomorrow. No further discussion about the mattress. I got her a rollator-style walker (online discount house, delivered in a jiffy) and she actually likes it. You know, it’s tough to be old. While I was waiting, so many patients had referrals for more tests at other locations, the need to see their other doctors, not co-located- and maybe add some sort of PT. And they are so dependent on others for rides, plus their mobility is so limited, in the first place. I keep thinking about how, if I drop my mother off at the building door, she has to stand there while I park. (She can do that, but what about more disabled elderly or disabled with dementia?) Then a long walk down the hall to the doc office. </p>
<p>Somemom, it sounds like the key will be MIL’s needs.</p>
<p>Jym,
I would never say that the disparity is entirely due to the fact that men tend to work more hours than women outside the home - rather it’s just one part of the reason. Certainly, it’s not always the case. It is the case in my situation, but I wouldn’t say that my brother and I represent all situations. </p>
<p>My DH also helps, but his role falls in the areas where he is more knowledgable (esp financial areas) and when brute strength is needed (I have none!). </p>
<p>BerneseMtnMom, I’m sorry for your loss. </p>
<p>Sorry for your loss BerneseMtnMom</p>
<p>My parents chose to move near me last year. I work full time, but since they moved, I cut back from 50 hour work weeks to a 40 hour with a cut in pay. My brother, on the other coast, who “couldn’t help move” due to work pressures doesn’t have to cut back. He makes it here when he is “able” to. I’m sure I will have to cut back more in future month?/years?</p>
<p>Fortunately, with my youngest graduating, I am able to cut back. But, my brother and SIL wants us to go on vacation abroad but we can’t afford to. Somehow, culturally, the man’s job and earning power seems more important. </p>
<p>
Agreed, but isn’t this sad and provincial? My bro had this attitude, and we both had solo practices. Somehow his was more important, even though he lived much closer to my dad than I did, and he has no kids. ~X( </p>
<p>Yes Jym, it is sad and provincial. I have always made much more money than my DH and my earning power is very important to my family. We still have a long way to go. </p>