Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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<p>I just emailed myself these important links for safekeeping but thought I would repost them because they are so helpful and , come 1/1/15, very important in NY State:</p>

<p><a href=“http://worklife.columbia.edu/files_worklife/public/Sen-Kruegers-Nanny-Guide.pdf”>http://worklife.columbia.edu/files_worklife/public/Sen-Kruegers-Nanny-Guide.pdf&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“Labor Standards | Department of Labor”>Labor Standards | Department of Labor;

<p>This was one of arabrab’s previous links, post 3397, re: 1/1/15 <a href=“Fact Sheet: Application of the Fair Labor Standards Act to Domestic Service, Final Rule | U.S. Department of Labor”>http://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfsFinalRule.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Now: it only took me a few minutes: because I signed on to caregivers.com months ago, I get articles to download (quite helpful!) and emails from Brandi. I sent Brandijust now–found her personal email box–and sent her this list (I mean, links above) and told he how important it was for my mother’s soon-to-be-departing caregiver not to sink back down into the world “of independent contractors” or shady agencies. I spelled out the details ( I can think and type fast) and asked her to spread the word /forward the word to anyOne who had a contact with a law-abiding reputable agency in/near NYC to whom I can feel safe sending my caregiver. I emphasized, time is of the essence!</p>

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<p>Dharma, so happy that things went well today. Keep looking forward. Sending hugs!</p>

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<p>I’m still on line old mom, so I’ll comment. About second guesing, you know, I think we would need to discuss that. I know I frequently “second guess” my husband and plan how I approach him.when he is “ready” to handle news about a bill or something, when and where to talk to him, frequently.Probably, I spend every evening second guessing him. Maybe I’m not entirely sure that “second quessing” means. But old mom, with my mom–except for that moment when I wanted to hug her–my sole, my single emotion toward her her is fear, I mean…fear. Luckily, with my three remarkable daughters , husband, friends, and volunteer career and interests, I have led a happy life; but certainly to delve into this very serious and harmful element of fear of my mother on me would be very interesesting, but not change my life profoundly.My husband and i talk and laugh daily about it. daily!. Already, within weeks, with the help of people on this forum like LasMa and you, I have taken steps and spoken words I never could have week ago if I hadn’t stumbled onto this site. Do you know my sister resumed communicating with h=me _ I was cAREFUL no to o verload her with info–kept it factual but polite–but again, after many days no rresponse. I have my MDs strong remarks to refer to, and the remarks of others here, to fall back on, and I will firm up and carry on!
My daughters–an I fear to an excessive degree–have ben observing my attentiveness to my mother, and years ago if they can remember) understood–perhaps not, unfortunately–the many absent hours my husband spent in his mother’s and stepfather’s house in Ulster County. The husband (stepfather) did not even have the title of the house in his wife’s NAME. I will never know how my husband did it (the stepfather–once a wealthy man–) had even borrowed A LOT money from his children and from us, the poor church mice, , the only secret my husband has with held from me – Through some valiant efforts and much international-calling time (his parents had two houses in France (don’t ask, you can’t imagine) and my husband had to speak french t =he agent in FrAnce at 4 AM NY EASTER TIME )./and this professional man–THEstepfather, I mean, I will make a revealing comment not to be shared, was one of the lawyers as counsel to the Rockefeller heirs (grandchilldren). He completely drank after work and did nothing to protect hisown family After hmy DHs stepfather died, my husband by that time and made all the documents, wills, title, etc., biding and legal, and my husband paid back all the siblings their debts and coordinated his mother’s move into AL. (The story of selling the hovel in Ulster County would take pages to relate.)</p>

<p>One spring day last year, before M went off to college, M said as we were approaching the door to visit my DHs mother (94 years old at this point and in the dementia wing), Mom when you and dad are old we will find you the nicest nursing home we can find! It was nothing less than what I expected/accepted her to say!</p>

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<p>Dharma, don’t look back. You are doing what you need to do. No second guessing allowed. </p>

<p>Speaking of guessing, don’t guess about being first in line. You should be, but call to make sure. </p>

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<p>Dharmawheel, my daughter acted out a lot during the months following my dad’s death in April, and she really pulled back from me in the months between high school graduation until move-in day for her freshman year last week. She seems to be doing great at school, answers texts and emails and even calls me now. I have started to realize that my dad’s decline and death and the display of pathology from one of my brothers over the estate, plus the severe illness of my other my brother really took its toll. While intellectually she knew and admired that I was doing the right thing, it did take attention from her. And because it’s just the two of us, I am sure there were very intense emotions around leaving home for college. While I certainly didn’t appreciate her inconsiderate behavior, I think this bundle of family stuff took its toll on her. I know enough not to take anything she says about 20 or 30 (I can wish!) years from now very seriously! I am sure that as she grows up more, she will integrate the strong emotions she had around the months since my dad died (the day after accepted-students day!) and learn from them. I am sure it’s affecting your kids–how could it not? But such is life, we can’t protect them from everything.</p>

<p>The fact that you have 3 kids and a husband may make it a little different, but I also know that there are often issues related to adoption whenever emotion is involved. It is definitely a part of what my daughter is, no matter that she told me that she told a therapist I arranged for her to see before she went to school that she doesn’t need to talk about adoption because she’s been adopted all of her life and she knows all about it. Not! Not that it’s an overwhelming issue for her (knock wood) but it’s always there.</p>

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<p>Dharma- hope you feel better asap and glad it is going in the right direction. </p>

<p>You are probably helping others by acknowledging how fearful your mother continues to make you. How remarkable that you have gotten her to this place of yes (as in “yes, I will move to AL”). </p>

<p>Now about today, I am sure you are a bit too depleted to literally jump up and down, so let me do it for you!! You got your mother to a place that is right place for her. I could not be happier. Congratulations!! You know this is huge now, and hopefully you will have an even fuller sense of how amazing it is when she is cleared for an available bed. Good for her to know there are places that can offer a meaningful alternative to her current home. Carry on with your single-minded clarity and remember that there is usually more than one option if need be. Happy that a place with lots of on-site care could be available, as you see some handwriting on the wall. In my experience, late 80s pushing 90 is a often a whole different ball game than 10 years earlier and it is easier to anticipate increased needs and be pleasantly surprised if not crucial, than to be blind-sided by a change in status. </p>

<p>Best with the realtor and a quick recovery. Super to know there are viable options and you will soon be able to navigate your mother on your own terms. You have waited more than long enough for that privilege! </p>

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<p>Just make sure there are no deal breakers in the “care assessment”. There may be costs associated with the level of care she will require, but do it. You want this placement. And you’re ms Meds may be sedating her. But it is what it is. </p>

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<p>Jym, cant read a word…ns neds? Please explain. </p>

<p>She shrink on wed gave her a double session. One thing he did was come out to see me to get the phone number of her pharmacy Resouceful me! I had iit and he callled and they immediately faxed the list. He told me they had raised her depakote ((bipolar med)) from 2to3 . I asked can they do that without contacting you?he said yes because she was acting violent in the hospita. nice,such a lovely thought. He reduced it to 2 which he said would make her less spacey and give her more clarity.</p>

<p>He really knows his meds, all across the broad spectrum.</p>

<p>theAl wants a fax of her meds.</p>

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<p>Dharma, the Polish Agency that we dealt with is out of Berlin, CT. They cover CT, MA and parts of NY. They are the agency that bills you and they pay the workers and take care of all of the taxes. There are no fees to clients or workers: Office Tel/Fax: (860) 826-2990
226 New Britain Rd. Berlin, CT 06037
LIC# HCA.0000311
We were quite pleased with them even though my aunt was not happy, (she never is). The other NY agency that I can recommend is Griswold.</p>

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<p>sorry- hard to type on the phone… your mom’s meds may be sedating</p>

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<p>Thank you EC motherx2, great info. Thanks jym626.</p>

<p>Unexpected, ou of the blue crisis . The realtor came over and went went over everything. Everything was fine and she was very patient and gracious. She set the house at $250,00 which was exactly my “low” prediction. It will have a for sale sign and be on the internet on Mon.</p>

<p>After we signed papers, took photos, did appraisals, and the relator left I mother shocked me by saying she would not go to the AL we visited yesterday BECAUSE SHE DID NOT LIKE THE LUNCH. Now, threre was a misunderstanding. We had arranged for a tour and lunch, but the manager only got the info about the tour. The kitchen had to cobble together a quick caesar salad for her. She described the bread pudding, which I ate, it was fine, as being, abominable.</p>

<p>How much torture is this woman going to put me through? She was rude to me and as a way to sum up the reality and predicaments we/she is facing, she said she was having “nightmares.” Then she wouldn’t talk to me me anymore.</p>

<p>I offered to call the facility and ask to come back one day next week for another luck. </p>

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<p>Dharmawheel, maybe you should say, “Ok, then where do you want to go? Because you can’t stay here.”</p>

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<p>Dharma, this is why you want to sell ASAP – it will give her no choice but to move. </p>

<p>Meantime just ignore things like “I won’t live there because I didn’t like the Caesar salad.” That’s a ridiculous statement, and does not require or deserve a response.</p>

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<p>Dharma,</p>

<p>This really isn’t a crisis. It is a minor blip.</p>

<p>One word of advice: Proceed.</p>

<p>You have taken the steps to sell the house; let it proceed.
You have arranged for the follow-up at the AL; let it proceed…</p>

<p>Since your mother would not talk to you anymore, do not attempt to engage your mother in further conversation about the matter until you remind her of what time she needs to be ready for her ‘appointment’.</p>

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<p>Agree that every time your mother says something that makes no sense or attempts to de-rail the plan, it is more of the same and to be expected. There is no requirement that you offer more or try to fix what isn’t broken. Shrug and say, “One lunch- perhaps not your favorite. Look at the crows in the yard.” You are not engaging with all the extraneous stuff and don’t stay to be badgered, ignored, or abused, thinking that just the right word or new option will make a difference. You can not have her fully on board or grateful or even compliant all the time. It isn’t her. Leave and keep everything brief, as there are other things to do, and exchanges about every detail all day long will stress your mother out more and you know exactly who will hear it all. Simplify everything now that the biggies are covered. Streamline and minimize contact about pragmatic stuff. Some part of you hopes for a satisfying joint project, and hopefully the outcome will work for both of you. But getting there is likely to be more of the same, with likely escalation as it all becomes more real to her. Expect it, play defense and use what you know about her to save yourself and spare her being more overwhelmed. </p>

<p>I would not be giving her more opportunities to say no, find fault, etc. Once the data is in, it is in. Stay calm and carry on. Be detached from her manipulations by chanting in your head: “She is going to AL and we are selling the house. I do not have to fix her, just get her out of here to AL. What is the next step in the move?” That’s all there is. And believe me, I know it is plenty.</p>

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<p>Dharma, travelnut is right. Focus on the next steps.</p>

<p>Your next steps are arranging for the move to the AL, and figuring out what to do with Mom’s possessions. Several people in this thread have had great experiences with businesses that handle the entire estate sale. After you remove what you want, they sell or remove everything else and clean out the house. You do nothing but accept a check at the end. I recommend this choice for you, because you have so much else on your plate.</p>

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<p>I would not bother having another lunch at AL for her to find fault with–there is nothing to be gained and it just gives her another chance to find fault. Leave it that she may not think their food is top notch. It is NOT an option that she not go there. Move on. You are doing great! Hang in there. This is the home stretch. Who knows, with the home priced low, there may be a bidding war and you will get more than the RE thinks. That happens frequently in our neighborhood when homes are priced reasonably.</p>

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<p>I have a call into the admissions/tour office today (she is in the office) to ask visit again for a hot lunch. It won’t kill me and may help. But immediately she must choose between the near place (hot lunch) or Maplewood where we have put down a deposit;;the manager warned me at Maplewood,that if another interested party wants to down a deposit in Sept, we forfeit ours.ike the Plaza, they have ONE STUDIO available. After her nursing assessment at The Plaza (nearby) in Carmel (presumably we will have the hot meal before them) it is decision time.</p>

<p>Travelnut and all, thanks for the great feedback.</p>

<p>PS I wonder what search clues I would use for “auctions” “disposing of estate” etc.</p>

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<p>estate sales.</p>

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<p>When we emplied y MILs apt the auctioned took EVERYTHING (it was mostly–i mean it - junk–and six months ptr she got a check for $2,000. But my mother’s stuff is valuable. When the time comes, I will google “how to hold an estate sale.”</p>