Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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4381

<p>Angry thought I’ve been carrying around since Friday so allow the catharsis. My mother grew up in a 5-floor Brox tenement (there were TEN sets of stairs-- I remember as a little girl), lived in a 2 bedroom apt with parents and assorted temporary/always changing alcoholic uncles, unemployed nephews, sleeping on the couch and on the floor.</p>

<p>This past Fri, we walk into the Plaza. I notice the flower pots outside, the two friendly senior ladies, the sliding glass doors, the huge ceiling and attractive marble reception desk. My mother rolls in on her wheeler and says, “Why do these places always have such ugly carpets?”</p>

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<p>Here’s a list of estate sale agents to get you started.</p>

<p><a href=“Estate Sale Companies in Danbury, CT”>http://www.estatesales.net/estate-sale-companies/CT/Danbury.aspx&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I know nothing about those companies, but you can check them out and see what you think.</p>

4383

<p>No NO no. Do not feed into her stuff by going for another meal. There are other people in line for that room and they will pick and easy-to-deal-with family over a PITA. Stop feeding into your moms pathology. Her behavior was predictable. As I always say, if you have an eating disorder, it doesnt matter what food is on your plate. You KNOW your mom will complain and try to sabotage. Stop rewarding the behavior with more excursions and opportunities for her to find more to complain about. IGNORE her behavior.</p>

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<p>Are both places equally good options in your mind? What are the priorities in this decision? Of course, it won’t kill you to go another lunch, the thng is, how does it truly advance your mother going to right place? Have you made a list, just for you, of variables that are most important. For me, once you have cleared the quality of care hurdle, it is about the place with AL offering the most built in medical/daily care services as well as skilled nursing care if needed later. </p>

<p>The saddest thing to me is how hard you try to make your mother happy. She can be disappointed or angry, and you could well have done right by her. That’s why it is mental illness. Get her to the place that makes the most sense for ongoing care and available services, with financial realities addressed. That is your gift to her. Not more opportunities for her to focus on the irrelevant and be critical. Also, though places may not mention it, they are looking to create a comfortable and cooperative community. Keep her as desirable a candidate as possible, while providing the required medical forms. I also urge you to realize that all this running around, business talk, real estate consultation, etc. is cumulative wear and tear on your mother, as well as you. She is fail and almost 90; we don’t want her to be a nursing home candidate before you get her to AL! </p>

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<p>In my hometown area (‘rural’ WI) my brother was able to hire a family run business that had the estate sale/auction outside the home (thankfully it was a pleasant day). They had stuff pre-sorted on small box trays (like you find canned goods on) - so some items were live auctioned individually or as a group. Everyone had signed in and gotten a number. People were responsible for ‘grabbing their stuff’ and paying before leaving premise. It was pretty well run. A few pieces of furniture didn’t sell, but most everything else did. They received a percentage. It was positive and kind of fun. Siblings and their adult children purchased things - brother allowed us to pre-select a few items beforehand. You have to have some good stuff for people to come. They had advertised locally and internet.</p>

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<p>The realtor may have some recommendations too.</p>

4387

<p>So you know to just ignore that kind of thing.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t take her back for another visit. It’ll just give her more things to find fault with. Travelnut is right. It is time for YOU to make the decision, based on things that matter to YOU. Cost, distance, etc. Your mother’s views on the food and the carpet are irrelevant. </p>

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<p>I just got off the phone with the Director at the Plaza, despite your wise advise (NOTHING) can ever be right, she , The Director I mean,will speak to the cook on Tues and pick out a few choices of hot lunches or dinners for Adele to sample and let me know Tues pm.He had no hesitation to accommodate my mother And iffy mother isn’t satisfied, it will prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt, that nothing will ever be nearly good enough for her and I will have to hang very tough–till this is over–till I get her into , wordlessly, firmly, despite resistance, into the AL.</p>

<p>Travelnut, smart words as usual. I am very conscious of the ware and tear on my mother. Because of the proximity and ability to stay in place with medicaid and professional care staff and level of skill, the nearby pale (the place with the salad) is the first choice.</p>

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<p>Please do not take her back for lunch! It will only give her an opportunity to find fault with something else! The sad reality is that you will NEVER please her. You have found a safe and lovely place for her, that is it! Do not even respond to her statements. Learn the politicians habit of smile and nod. Keep your eyes on the finish line, do not go backwards. I agree with travelnut that as outsiders we can see how hard you work to please her and how sad it is that you will never feel that satisfaction. We all care about you and your family, keep moving, you’ve made great progress.</p>

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<p>Since the place with the salad is the best place per your evaluation, that is where you should put her-- without going back for another lunch. Just do it. She will stop protesting sooner than you think. I saw it with my own mother.</p>

<p>When my FIL died, we held our own estate sale, and didn’t make much. One person even walked right past my BIL with furniture that he stole. Lesson learned!</p>

<p>When my father died 3 years later, and I had to move Mom out of her house to a CCRC, we hired estate sales professionals. They did all the work and we got a heftier check than we ever got from running FIL’s sale ourselves, even with the commission deducted. </p>

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<p>Then DW, you have your mission. “Make it work” as Tim Gunn says. Get your ducks in a row and focus on that goal completely. Tell your mother that you spoke with the place and they will work with their residents to ensure that there are appropriate options at meals. That is more than enough. Really, it is. A cranky lunch eater is not fun. You want to risk doors shutting over this? Don’t be the little girl who ran around like a chicken with her head cut off to please someone who doesn’t make sense. You have better choices now. </p>

<p>Then tell your mother she has earned some rest and go off to get all the paperwork done, drs info sent, financials gathered ,etc. Try to shut off the noise and focus on the end result. Ask the AL the big questions if you haven’t already. Learn about what your mother’s routine will be, how showers take place, how medicine is administered and procured, what aspects of her care will they be looking for you to address, and perhaps most importantly, what criteria are relevant to them as they consider when their AL patients need to move on to a NH. Understand the future. </p>

<p>Of course, you want your mother to feel like she has a voice. But she doesn’t know what to focus on. Help her by seeing the big picture and walking her directly towards the best senior care, not the best Caesar salad. </p>

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<p>Dharma, seriously, don’t take her back for lunch. You don’t actually expect it to change her mind, do you? </p>

<p>Her objection isn’t to the food. Her objection is to moving. Even a five-star meal wouldn’t change that. She’ll come out complaining about the color of the server’s hair, or the kind of potted plants they have in the lobby. Don’t give her yet another opportunity to upset you with her negativity.</p>

<p>It’s time to make a decision and make it happen.</p>

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<p>Dharma, dharma, dharma. Don’t take your mother back for lunch. She’s not going to like the tablecloth, or the waiters are not going to be nice enough to her, or the lobby is going to be too cold. She’ll find something to complain about as a way to exert control. It might as well be the food, because if it’s not the food it’ll just be something else.</p>

<p>This decision is over. It has been made. There is nothing more to decide, and nothing to be gained by dragging your sick self and her frail, cranky self to another lunch.</p>

<p>Time to find a good estate sales professional. The realtor can help you there.</p>

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<p>It is UNANIMOUS–please DW, do NOT take mom back for lunch anywhere. You are just inviting another battle and it is POINTLESS. You have made the decision and it is in her best interests due to the better medical care. You just need to move forward and let your mom get her evaluation and move to that great place that WOULD have been willing to give her another hot meal. It is good that there were willing but do NOT let your mom continue to twist you into a pretzel. It is tiring for HER and for YOU. If you want another lunch, go without your mom, but really don’t bother. Honestly, it is a favor NOT to do this to yourself and your mom.</p>

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<p>Dharma – you are sabotaging yourself. Don’t do it. In kindness – you’re overcomplicating things, over and over again. </p>

<p>Keep it real simple, get it done, and move on. Your mom is an unhappy person, and she’s going to find something to whine about in any facility. Too bad, so sad. </p>

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<p>Cardinal Fang, we HAVE a terrific realtor!I walked into the hotest place in town and found a pleasant-looking very very intelligent real estate agent with years of experience in the Hudson Vallly WE did ALL the work this morning Saturday. My mother was smart, informed, and very cooperative. The for sale sign goes in front of the house and the listing goes on the internet on Monday. When I find it, I will post it for anyone who might be interested. BTW (“realtor talk but I believe her)” my mother’s immaculate significant house adjoining the town park is a very desirable location when houses priced at $250,00 are selling. She said she sold one last week.</p>

<p>Returning to the topic of last Fridays AL visit: When I told the AL director about my mother’s disappointment in the salad–this intelligent, experienced woman said–she’s afraid. Yep. But she added, we do have guests who want to come back for a second meal;she said without hesitation, I will talk to our chef on Tuesday she said, , and if your mother wants a hot meal (she does) he will recommend a lunch or dinner on a day or evening later this week)</p>

<p>To quote HI MOM “It is unanimous!” This is the group’s last chance to make me think, and thik STRONGLY upon a difficult turning pont. . Weell, this Al place is merely ten minutes away. If she still rejects the place after her second hot meal, she has run out of choices and will move to eitiher Maplewood in Danbury (we still have our credit card number being held there) or this nearby place, whether or not she likes the second mel=al. take your pick. Or go yo Reno to my sister. Or be put in the hands of NY State elder Protection care.</p>

<p>Curiously, her whole life my mother, who was always felt fed and nourished since an infant, talks about nothing but food, shopping lists, frequent trips to the grocery store, favorite childhood treats, her mother’s excellent cooking . If I talk to her in the morning, you cannot imagine the martyrdom I go through listening to what she had for breakfast…and of course it is much worse after dinner. Since Barbara’s arrival I have been calling much less, significantly much less–i’m sure she can tell–to listen to the detalls about her pork chops. I have gotten veryused to putting the speaker hone on speaker phone and doing the laundry and dishes while she dissect her luncheon meats, cheese, rye bred, tomato juice fruit salad __I AM NOT KIDDING> And After 40 or so minutes I turn the speaker phone off. </p>

<p>So, you know, as a group I have listenned to your collective wisdom all along and the BIG breakthrough was getting to my mother with an absolute, “undaughtlerly '“unllovingly” ultimatum” to enter AL. With your nothing short of mind-exanding advice you have helped, and gotten FAR ampng the path.</p>

<p>Travlelnut, I just want to say that I read your trenchant note carefully and deeply, and tp my best judgment, the place nearby would be best for her. </p>

<p>I certainly do feel I have that ultimatum and in a a matter of weeks it will carry through.</p>

<p>So I will bow to your collective wisdom, buy still I will take my my mother to a second meal. but remember–it this fails I get ALL MY SUPPORTERS to’'MDs, SWss, PCP, to back me up. </p>

<p>BTW’ You might have missed it that my sister communicated with me via email few weeks ago. A few friendly words. We exchanged friendly but not in indepth information-she clearly doesn’t it. Maybe two mails. Now silence again.</p>

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<p>Dharma wheel - however you do it, make sure that your mother goes to the best place that has a bed and will accept her. Steer her, flatter her, talk about the beautiful light for art there, say it the best place for visits, whatever. Don’t do all this so that the wrong plant in the lobby drives the decision. You will never regret it. </p>

<p>What your mother is hungry for is not food. It is just easier to talk about. </p>

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<p>Agree with Travelnut above. Good luck! You are doing a thankless task very well. You are a very good D! Don’t ever start second-guessing yourself.</p>

<p>You are finding the AL that will accept mom, has space and will best met her needs–esp medical and increasing care, including continuing to give her care if she outlives her $$$. </p>

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<p>Dharma, here’s another voice making one last plea with you not to take her for that second meal unless you have more of a purpose besides this:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>This is true whether she rejects the meal or not. The only reason to go for another meal is if it is the deciding factor between different ALs. You want to bring her to another meal so that you can prove something that you already know. Yes, pick a place with good food, but you can pop by at lunch or dinner and determine food quality. </p>

<p>You are being manipulative yourself by bringing your mom to a second meal, making it seem like she has a choice but in actuality she doesn’t. You just want to back her into a corner, not help her make a decision about which AL to do to. </p>

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<p>The decision should not hinge on minutiae like her reaction to a meal or two. If you are satisfied that this place is the best for her, trust yourself, and trust that she will adjust. </p>