Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
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<p>If you have a realtor you like- great. Its still a good idea to talk to references. You want mom moved ASAP. You have several mos to sell the house.</p>

<p>The empty threats were both about dumping her on Adult protective services and being shipped to your brother. You can tell her you will call adult protective services and get that involved. That is doable and not an empty threat. Communication is best handled honestly and directly. Your mom sounds like she plays manipulative games. Please rise above that.</p>

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<p>shipped to sister…</p>

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<p>CCSO - you have a 90 year old mother who is difficult and favors your brother. That is such an awful situation. I am sorry. I like the idea posted above to get your brother to ask for both embroidered pillows and give you one. That is a GREAT idea! Good luck. </p>

<p>somemom - BOTH of the two places we have narrowed down to will drive her to her MDs. At present at home she gets rides from the wonderful volunteers at the Community Resource Center. Not to belittle her effort to relieve me of the duty–which I think is sincere–I am sure she loves the opportunity to show off and exhibit her ebullient personality and talk about her years as an artist.</p>

<p>I don’t know if Maplewood offers a driver AND escort. Doesn’t that seem the sensible thing to do, since the driver is driving anyway? Why should he/she sit in the car? Unless my ears misheard, I think The Plaza said they provide a driver but don’t have enough staff for an escort (following this reasoning, why can’t the driver be the escort? Makes no sense.) I will look into it further.</p>

<p>When she is in place,if, say, at the Plaza, there is no escort I will allow her to go with a driver (no escort) unless her caregivers tell me it isn’t safe. But if the staff tell me she needs an escort, I will have to step in. I don’t see any means of hiring anyone…Given the “second meal” option, the close-by Plaza is still first choice. </p>

<p>HI Mom. YES The Plaza will let her stay on Medicaid. Residents must use a walker OR wheel themselves in a wheelchair. If they need someone to push the wheelchair, that is one of the criteria that they must move to a NH.
Based on her frailty, I don’t anticipate substantial years for my mother at AL. Most of the residents there already are more robust, younger, and active/interested than she is. We should have done this when my father died, but then, she would never have agreed to leave her house.</p>

<p>We moved houses ourselves about ten years ago for more space (because of the recession it turned out to be a bad choice). We went by a recommendation. IT was a disaster! You have to be careful about recommendations.
The realtor we hired sold a house in our village a few weeks ago in our price range in one week. Her credentials are impeccable and her manner is extraordinarily focused, professional, and friendly. I feel secure. </p>

<p>I have to show my mother the necessity that she move, if possible, in Sept. I keep SCREWING UP the way I draw up her resources and expenses. I wake up and like a thunderbolt I see the mistake. Unfortunately, the caregiver has not cashed her two checks yet so I have to call my mother’s bank and “pretend” the cash was withdrawn when I factor in what’s in her checking account.</p>

<p>At the bottom of the page, she will see how many months of AL she can pay for before the house sells. Don’t worry; she can handle this. It’s not something I should hide from her, but something that will help compel her to move to save caregiver/taxes costs. </p>

<p>MY SW friend (to my heartbreak, after many years of marriage–almost 40?-) and her husband will divorce when they can sell their house. He is in their house at Cape Cod. He is a Harvard grad (I know, not that that means anything, but still…, Harvard law school and as my friend said he is “a genius”. She said have him check my figures. He will be happy too. You know what MY husband is good at? Latin.</p>

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<p>I have to post this separately to grab your attention. I got an email from my sister in Reno last night and SHE IS COMING HERE TO HELP. She will know when after the 6th. She will be an ENORMOUS HELP. She is taller than me; my mother respects her more; my sister talks to her in a kind but dictatorial voice; she has enormous energy and a “can do” attitude. And I have seen my mother listen to her. She has an extroverted “big” personality (I am the small quiet bookish intellectual/English teacher…I could be “on” in the classroom , I guess like an actor, but am shy outside).</p>

<p>Off to DD2s piano lesson.</p>

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<p>Great news about your sister, Dharma. Maybe she can deal with your mother while you focus on selling the house.</p>

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<p>No, you don’t have to show her that. You don’t have to show her anything. We are LONG past the convincing stage.</p>

<p>You have 2 jobs, to be working on concurrently, now with your sister’s help:</p>

<ol>
<li> Get her into a good Assisted Living ASAP.</li>
<li> Sell the house ASAP.</li>
</ol>

<p>That’s it. That’s your to-do list. Please stop adding to it. :)</p>

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<p>LasMa, I understand the sense of your post completely, and yes it makes completele sense. But, knowing my mother and her Scrooge-like attention to money details, I MUST SHOW her on paper her financial situation to CONVINCE her she must move in September. It is to CONVINCE her that she must move in Sept. Otherwise,without seeing the numbers, she will sit there and we will pay the caregiver and the staggering taxes attached to being an employer and we will lack a "legitimate’ way to urge her. it is a paradox, but on the one hand my mother is in ‘wonderland 9that’s why i need the ‘legitimate’document’’ and on the other hand she is competent and understanding with money issues. She took care of the money in the family, not my father, although he worked as a biller in an advertising agency.</p>

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<p>Dharmawheel, you can tell her that you can’t and WON’T facilitate her staying home. Without your help she can’t stay home. Period. No choice.</p>

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<p>I thought the “deal” was a decision by yesterday. </p>

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<p>Dw, if your mom is so competent wiht money, then let her figure it out herself. Add me to the list of people who think that you are doing a crazy (and unreasonable) amount of work to prove to your mom that she has to move.<br>
Just stop. </p>

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<p>LF,GOOD memory. There are two reasons was it was pushed back (actually there are 3 reasons,i’ll explain.)
I thought by the end of the day Friday at the Plaza, she would–as scheduled–have had BOTH her planned meal and her nursing evaluation. Both were scheduled. But because of the confusion, the meal was a miss and the nursing evaluation was postponed because of the delay until the EARLIEST opportunity, Friday the 5th. Because of her fondest for the proximity, I thought the PLAZA was a done deal; everything would be wrapped up by Fri pm,I thought. Now,second meal and Friday’s nurses’s evaluation come this week.</p>

<p>Now, because my mother has made me insecure that she will pick the Plaza, I have emailed the director of Maplewood and asked her to schedule the necessary nurses’evaluation,which they will do at my mother’s home, the week of Monday, Sept. 9.(It is too much to add THAT too to my mother’s schedule next week.) After that nursing assessment, my mother immediately chooses between the two;.</p>

<p>We have a cute little group of deputy cops who drive around my little village.I am friends with them(walking the dog,fundraisers…one once picked,me and the dog up in a TORRENTIAL downpour two years ago and brought me home.Buddy types, good guys) If she gives me trouble when the men come with the truck to move furniture, I will call the sherriff to tell the cops to come over–or firemen- to come over. Or if she gives me trouble getting into the car to go to AL, I will call the sherrif. Everyone around here is FRIENDLY–there is a great pride and volunteer spirit–I know I can get professionals to cajole,speak politely but firmly, etc.</p>

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<p>I can’t even follow all the shifts and changes anymore. I somehow think the urgency to get her moved has declined. </p>

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<p>Dharmawheel, she is an old lady who can hardly walk. What do you think she could possibly do that would require intervention by the police? Her power is in your head.</p>

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<p>You are making this terribly complicated, Dharma. And then creating odd scenarios where you call APS or the police. </p>

<p>The escort for the longer than usual trips to a doc would be be needed because your mother is volatile and demanding. Probably a fee.</p>

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<p>Ok, ok, a week’s delay is not so long, especially with Dharma’s sister coming. But you have to set a limit and stick to it. If you accommodated your children’s hissy-fits or worries in advance of their hissy-fits, that would not be good parenting. You need to see your mother as she is today, a very old, disabled, ornery, stubborn lady who is succeeding in manipulating you. Take the power–it is in your hands.</p>

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<p>A weeks delay can be a huge problem when there are 3 or more families touring the facility for the one available room.</p>

<p>Mom may be able to calculate numbers, but sounds like she lacks the judgment and reasoning skills to recognize the other unknowns such as time and variables in selling the house. The eventual inspection that will be done can potentially bring up many unexpected repairs that some potential buyers will insist be done ( not just the estimated cost deducted from the sales price). My dads house had an inground oil tank. That led to all sorts if problems. They were addressed, but it too time and money. We were fortunate that we didn’t have a bigger problem. But the one we had was enough. Oh and many first and sometimes second order contacts can fall through
. These all should be factored in.</p>

<p>And you do NOT want mom in the house when it is being shown. They will want her out o the house and sometimes give little notice when a buyer wants to see a house. Get her moved. She is going to sabotage this. We can unfortunately all see this train pulling into the station. </p>

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<p>DW tell your mom you have run the numbers by your sis. Have your sis tell your mom in her authoritative style.</p>

<p>Keep to the short list.</p>

<p>Get your experienced and professional realtor to help you get the best show out of your home, with getting mom out of there for every showing. Plan to have your mom moved as scheduled with your sis’s help.</p>

<p>Hugs and good luck! </p>

4438

<p>LF " I somehow think the urgency to get her moved has declined."</p>

<p>LF, why did you say that.? It hurts my feelings a little bit. I can’t help it if the professionals have filled schedules. She was supposed to have her physical at the Plaza on August 29.We were first scheduled for the 22nd but they totally cancelled on us and held us back a week! I had them PACK that day with all the needed variables. But forces beyond my control made the nursing assessment shift to the 5th.</p>

<p>Sorry, those remarks about the police were a little ridiculous. That “scared of her” mood gets to me at the oddest times. The image played in my mind when I imagined escorting her out of the house, or taking out her furniture;.</p>

<p>Yes,mother and Barbara will walk to my house during showings.</p>

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<p>This. Your mother is stalling, and you are indulging her. You do not have the time to try to satisfy her every objection. If you take the time, you may well lose out on this place. Then you’re back at square one. Don’t go there.</p>

<p>You know what needs to be done. You’re going to have to find it within yourself to do it, even with her jabbering at you. You cannot wait until she’s happy, because no matter what you do, she will never be happy. And you know that.</p>

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<p>You know what will convince her that she must move in September? Selling the house in September. That will solve your problem right there.</p>

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<p>Having trouble keeping straight which place is the one where you asked to take mom back for another meal. If that request contributed to the change in care screening, forget the meal and do the screening. Her house is on the market. She really should be prepared to be out and have a place to move to. </p>