<p>I came across this video online this morning that made me smile. I wish this could happen for everyone whose parent suffers from Alzheimer’s.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.hlntv.com/article/2014/09/03/world-alzheimers-month-mom-recognize-daughter”>http://www.hlntv.com/article/2014/09/03/world-alzheimers-month-mom-recognize-daughter</a></p>
<p>patsmom, made me cry, not smile. But I was happy for them. We lived through that with Grandma, you never knew if she would recognize us or not, until she couldn’t speak. Then we assumed not. I stayed with her one summer while she was like that.
Mom doesn’t have Alzheimers like that, but she is forgetting some people, not family so far. </p>
<p>I wish in many ways Mom was nearer so I could take her out once a week, she’d love it and she is being nice to get to go on the odd times I visit. But even being nice, my H would go ballistic if she moved closer to me. (too much bad blood) I thought I didn’t feel guilty, but … yeah.</p>
<p>And it is always something! Now her cardiologist is retiring and said everyone in his office is too booked and recommends several doctors…in the next town over 75 miles away. The perils of being in a small town. And she has a pacemaker that they do checks on every 3 months. I think I am doing OK , then a little thing like that justs rocks me SO much more than it should. I’ll call and ask if her primary care people can tend it. She isn’t getting a new pacemaker anyway, and just had her battery changed so hopefully it isn’t a crisis. </p>
<p>patsmom- Wow. Thanks for sharing. That did tug at heartstrings. Touching that there was that moment of recognition accompanied by genuine sentiment. My relative with dementia continues to recognize me, despite having severe memory loss. Many friends have relatives with Alzheimer’s that has progressed to the point where they are non-verbal. Some have lived for years in this state, much to the distress of their families. A big part of the grief for them is thinking that their relative would not want an existence of not knowing family. </p>
<p>eso- I understand how these changes can be upsetting to navigate. 75 miles is way too far for an elder to go. And most cardiologists see a lot of elders. Agree that a call to the primary might help, and if that is a dead end, perhaps another pass by the cardiologist’s office saying there is no other alternative would make a difference. For me, how persistent to be might depend on how stable she is and if any active treatment would be pursued past the pacemaker and its monitoring. </p>
<p>Guilt… so easy to try to talk other’s out of theirs, so hard to talk oneself out of it. I often recite the doing the best we can with the hand we were dealt mantra when it comes to family. We have an elder 1500 miles away, as by the time she would have moved closer to us, it became unsafe and undesirable to put her through a huge move.
Additionally, things really do have to work for the family you created. Good luck with it all. </p>
<p>I am really looking forward to clicking that link tonight, when I can concentrate on it. In the last month of his life, after he had suffered some brain damage from an oxygen-deprivation episode, Dad still remembered my face but couldn’t place me. At various times, he thought I was the x-ray technician, “a female relative,” “Pearl,” and “Gloria.” We have no idea who the last two people were to him. It kind of made my hair stand on end, but I was grateful that at least he knew my face. D talked to him on the phone at one point, and he had no earthly idea who she was but enjoyed hearing her young cheerful voice, so that was a plus.</p>
<p>travelnut, you make a very good point about the far-away cardiologist. At some point, we unfortunately have to start asking the question “Is this medical treatment really the best thing?” – taking into account things like distance/difficulty, pain, intrusiveness, side effects, post-treatment complications, etc. It may be time to start asking if the care 75 miles away would really make any difference in the treatment. I bet the primary can do the pacemaker check, or arrange for it closer to home.</p>
<p>DW after providing counter-offer, how much time do they have to get back?</p>
<p>Having several looking at the home specifically is good. Of course it is a new listing. Helps if there is NOTHING available in the desirable neighborhood - that helps people get serious quickly (supply and demand). Sometimes with only one listing in our specific neighborhoods leads to an offer very quickly, as someone was waiting for a house to come on the market… Sometimes with only a few houses in a desirable neighborhood also draws interest as they come to look at one and will look at the others also close by…</p>
<p>Fingers crossed for a quick sale and close to full price if not full price. No hang ups with sale.</p>
<p>A great, funny, harrowing book for many of us dealing with falling-apart, demented, dying parents - as a friend said, “I was laughing out loud when I wasn’t cringing in horror”.<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_9?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=roz%20chast&sprefix=roz+chast%2Caps%2C553”>http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_9?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=roz%20chast&sprefix=roz+chast%2Caps%2C553</a></p>
<p>Yes, that’s a wonderful book. It’s been discussed here before. I have given a couple of copies (so far) as gifts.</p>
<p>seren50, thank you for that recommendation. Sounds like something I definitely need to pick up.</p>
<p>Hi, I’m a fellow sandwich generation member, my son is graduating HS in 2015. I moved my mom, 91, out of her house in N. Fl in 2012, first to Sr. Living and now in an ALF near us in Miami. My dad, 94, was still in the house until October (still driving, every stubborn old man horror story you can think of applies here.) His leg became gangrenous and they had to amputate, he survived that and 3 mos of rehab, then his other one got infected, he refused the surgery and passed in May. Fortunately, mom’s ALF is wonderful, after some adjustment she is liking it ok. Now trying to sell her house and clear a few thousand over the reverse mortgage balance, my garage is stuffed full of their stuff. Wish it was worth enough sell and pay for ALF and college. </p>
<p>Hi subtropicus, and welcome to the thread.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry about your dad’s passing. Why do you think he refused the second surgery? Sometimes they’re just “done” and don’t want to go through any more. Maybe that and the male pride in his case?</p>
<p>Actually, you bring up a topic which I was going to post about this weekend, namely, the grief process in the very elderly. How is your mom doing with the loss of your dad? </p>
<p>Welcome subtropicus, I’m sorry to hear about your dad. </p>
<p>My mom is in the hospital now with a uti. Do any of you know if not drinking fluids makes this worse? It seems like it’s one thing after another, and almost always it’s discovered she isn’t drinking. I’m sure it’s because of the lasix she takes makes her think if she drinks less she’ll have to go to the bathroom less. </p>
<p>Any updates Dharmawheel?</p>
<p>Welcome, subtropicus. </p>
<p>eyemamom – The whole having to go to the bathroom more often becomes even more of an issue when someone has mobility issues that mean that they can’t get to the bathroom quickly. One question: any discussion with her doctor about whether or not bp/water retention needs to be as aggressively brought down? I had a conversation with MIL’s doctor (MIL was 89 at the time) and the decision was to reduce the bp medication (which was triggering the frequent urination) and accept a higher than desirable bp as the lesser of two evils. (MIL was also trying to eat a wheat free diet, and trying to manage two dietary restrictions simultaneously is tough.) </p>
<p>“Key strategies for preventing infections include drinking lots of water (some studies have also found that cranberry juice helps), urinating often and completely…” (I thought some aspect of cranberry juice was being disputed-?)</p>
<p>"Not drinking enough fluids can increase the risk by reducing the amount of urination, which helps to clear bacteria from the system. "</p>
<p><a href=“Department of UCLA Urology | UCLA Health”>Department of UCLA Urology | UCLA Health;
<p>Sorry about the UTI, eyeamom. Agree with above that fluids help, but so many elders (esp. women) are prone to them (Depends?). </p>
<p>Having a pitcher of water nearby all the time might help or perhaps calls to remind them to drink or a discussion with care staff. With age, frailty, and cognitive issues the “pro-activity” required to get a drink can fade. I am not talking about the immediate end of life disinterest. </p>
<p>Hope she recovers well. </p>
<p>Eyemamom, does she have tremors that may make it uncomfortable to pick up a glass and drink without spilling? Maybe a straw in her glass or a water bottle like people use when they are out and about, the kind with a straw, could help? That way, she could also keep track of how much she drinks.</p>
<p>Arabrab makes a good point… Some meds lead to water retention which docs resolve through a diuretic which then sends them to the Ba more often, then they either limit fluids or hold off and a UTI can result. I don’t remember whether we agreed on this, but UTI symptoms can also include some confusion or disorientation. They don’t always need this cycle. Best wishes, eyemamom.</p>
<p>Side question: can Depends exacerbate because the wet is still there? As with babies, would you also need to change often?</p>
<p>Inadequate water can contribute to UTI in anyone. When I was in college, a doctor who was treating me for UTI told me that. </p>
<p>We had a terrible time trying to get Dad to drink enough water. At one point, I bought a plastic pitcher and drew a thick black line around it at the 48-oz level. Mom was to fill it to the line every morning (which she did), and leave it prominently on the kitchen counter where Dad would see it frequently and be reminded to drink some of it (which he didn’t). For at least the last 5 years of his life, he literally would not take a drink of water unless specifically told to.</p>
<p>Actually, though, the director at the AL came up with a creative solution. We were to ask Dad’s doctor to order, say, 6 8-oz glasses a day – write it up on an Rx sheet just like a prescription. Once it’s ordered by the doctor, the AL puts it on the daily med chart, and they must administer it just like a medication.</p>
<p>welcome @subtropicus and sorry you have so much on your plate so to speak.</p>
<p>Did your parents initiate the reverse mortgage, and was that a bad decision or a costly decision?</p>
<p>Hoping you can help your son find the best college place for him during this busy senior year.</p>
<p>Good luck with the finances working out for college expenses and ALF.</p>
<p>She was complaining of a lot of back pain which everyone just assumed was something to do with this uti. She had an mri yesterday and are waiting to hear what it showed. She has had terrible back problems for years - osteoporosis, spinal stenosis, fibromyalgia. I’m afraid now it could be a compression fracture, especially since her hip is hurting too, which can happen from the rib cage of all things compressing down. She’s in tremendous pain when she moves and they now have a catheter for her since she literally can’t move. I don’t think she could tolerate back surgery, she has always refused pt and doesn’t have hardly an ounce of muscle tone now. As far as I know they don’t keep you in the hospital for pain. Now comes the tricky part, she’s never gone to rehab but there is no way on gods green earth any of us can do this level of care for her. </p>