<p>Do any of you have insight on how to handle it when the parents are really nasty? My sister called me yesterday crying. She is trying to be nice to mom, went and got her newspaper stopped and cleaned out her fridge of perishables and picked up around the place. She hasn’t been sitting with her all day every day, mom has lots of visitors in and out. Mom has even said she doesn’t want people just sitting there staring at her, especially since this isn’t surgical and really isn’t life or death. However, she just is horribly mean and nasty to my sister. So after a couple of minutes my sister just left. She has a p/t job and works today so I told her to skip going today, and I would be there wednesday and thursday. How do you manage trying to oversee everything is going okay when the thanks you get is being yelled at and not answering questions on how it’s going with doctors? My sis has medical power of attorney but can’t get any doctors to call her back.</p>
<p>She could try to go to see your mother and as soon as your mother starts up, leave and tell your mother that she’ll be back when mom can talk to her without being nasty. As to reaching doctors, that’s always hard. But try talking to hospital administration? Is there an ombudsman? Patient representative? Staying away for a few days is not likely to help with mom, and if your sister is anything like me, it’s not likely to help her either because she likely knows that she should check in, and she’ll feel very guilty if something happens that she thinks she could have helped with. But that doesn’t mean she has to stay all day. I used to stay as long as I could bear it and then leave, knowing I did the best that I could. But usually the issue wasn’t my dad or stepmother acting out against me, rather old stuff rearing its ugly head.</p>
<p>I always made sure that it was written clearly on my dad’s or stepmother’s chart that they should call me right away if anything happened.</p>
<p>As always (broken record here), I recommend therapy but that’s probably not going to help her this week! But she might be able to find a sympathetic ear in the hospital. Most nurses were always very kind to me, as were social workers.</p>
<p>Eyemamom, I am so sorry, for you and for your sister and other siblings. It’s really hard.</p>
<p>Eyeamom- you and your sister have my empathy. Patients can be anxious and critical, adding to everyone feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes a chronic personality trait, sometimes situational. A few suggestions: enter the room with warmth, a hug, a what can I get you. Bring a tiny plant or other token if allowed. Few ill elders can accurately share what medical info has been provided to them, and unfortunately questions can make them more upset. Docs also don’t always share the full picture and many speak so fast that it is not well-processed. If things are testy, one can go the lav, to check on something, etc. and come back in a few minutes with a cold drink. Sometimes that will change the dynamic. If not, having to leave is fine, as is suggesting a nap. I try not to escalate things with the elder by sharing frustrations elsewhere. UTIs can also impact mood and cognition severely, as can pain. It helps me not take it so personally. It is not easy. </p>
<p>About the doctors, variables abound, but here are a few approaches: ask nurses the best way to be in touch with the specific doc you need to speak with- they may even let you know when said Doc is on the floor, try to be there at rounds if you are lucky and they are at a specific time, carry your paperwork with you, call the doc’s office and try to befriend the admin who answers the phone or see if there is an office nurse who would speak you. Let admin know that there are aftercare decisions to be made and that the family needs to be in the loop, that x amount of time has gone by without communication. That may help. Also, be sure all legal paperwork is on file per the hospital and individual doc’s requirements. Charge nurses or discharge planners may also be able to provide up to date information that is relevant. Others are correct about being pro-active about discharge planning. It seems unlikely that being outside of skilled nursing rehab would best serve your mother post-hospitalization. </p>
<p>All the best. </p>
<p>Oh, my. When the parents are really nasty or [insert unpleasant word.] That’s my story. I agree that an astute counselor can work wonders for your personal perspective/balance, but right now you have a more urgent need. </p>
<p>For now, try to remember you and your sister aren’t the cause, you are just trying to help. You are involved for the right reasons. And doing the best you can, as loving family. And as amateurs. And give each other permission to vent (it’s not a character flaw; it can be a survival technique) and to miss a day or take frequent breaks.</p>
<p>And keep venting here,if you need to. We’re listening. </p>
<p>As for compression fractures, the ordinary path is alleviating pain, rest, and physical therapy- the latter because lack of movement leads to further loss in bone strength, which is one of the issues, in the first place. How they balance this for the very elderly depends on what they think the prognosis is. </p>
<p>Ime, doctors don’t always call back if they feel the info you need has already been provided. We had some luck with asking hospital (floor) physician assistants our specific questions, which they either could answer or they escalated tot he MD. In one case, for my grandmother, hospitalists were always rotating on and off and the social worker ran some interference for us. Best wishes.</p>
<p>Yes, keep venting here. We understand.</p>
<p>Re not being able to talk to the doctor, the next best thing is to ask for the nursing supervisor (or whatever the term is at your hospital). They’re usually available, and I always feel like they listen more attentively than the harried floor nurses. Often they can answer questions just as well as the doctor can; their chart notes carry weight; and if you really do need to talk to the doctor, you have a much better chance if the request comes from the nursing supervisor. </p>
<p>ETA – Also, check in with the case manager or discharge planner every day. Plans can change quickly and they’re not always great about keeping family in the loop. Plus different case managers might work the case on different days, so you want to be sure they’re all up to speed. I learned to make a point of confirming every day: “You know that he has to be discharged to skilled nursing, right?”</p>
<p>I’m on my way this morning. Mom is being discharged to rehab. Dr thinks she’ll need to be there two weeks. Mom actually asked if the ambulance could stop at her apartment on the way to rehab to she could pick up a few things. She can’t even walk - lol I’ll be there for the transition which will be helpful since she’s never gone before. Hopefully the one she’s going to is literally next door to her apartment building. Now the question is - why did no dr ever give her boniva or this shot you get once a year to prevent bone loss. Apparently she’s going to get it now. </p>
<p>Maybe because the side effects can be more pronounced in the elderly. The decision may be a balancing act. This excerpt:
"Boniva is primarily prescribed to women who have just recently entered menopause, rather than women who have been post-menopausal for twenty or thirty years. However, there are exceptions to such patterns, and side effects often affect the elderly harder than it affects younger women.</p>
<p>Signs to look for in the elderly include nausea, vomiting, dizziness, loss of coherent thought, disorientation. sweating, diarrhea, tight muscles in the face." <a href=“http://www.drugsdb.com/rx/boniva/boniva-side-effects/”>http://www.drugsdb.com/rx/boniva/boniva-side-effects/</a> You can see the other side effects, as well. They can watch her for reaction in NH.</p>
<p>Instead of trying online flowers and getting whatever local florist the national company contracts with, I have had good luck in using a florist near where my mom lives. For a Christmas present, I gave my mom flowers every month. I arranged for the local florist she likes to deliver a gorgeous bouquet every month and bill me.</p>
<p>We also had much better results using the local florist, Cardinal Fang. It was the one MIL also used to send flowers for funerals, so they knew her, and knew that she despised lilies! The owner was kind enough to stop at the nearby bakery to pick up some treats I arranged for her to deliver along with the flowers for Christmas. Made her day. (They were very happy to take a tip added to the credit card charge for the flowers/delivery.) </p>
<p>Wow - the comment about wanting to have ambulance stop at apt on way to rehab is quite telling!!</p>
<p>Praying for all of you in these challenging circumstances.</p>
<p>If I know the local florist, etc - I call directly. Best service, price, reliability on delivery - and get good suggestions on what they have available or what they can put together.</p>
<p>One has to try and ‘detach’ oneself from the rude comments and actions, and work around loved one if you can.</p>
<p>My neighbor, who dealt with this before I did, periodically reminds me: “That’s not your mom being mean/forgetful/infuriating/etc. That’s the dementia.” Somehow that helps me (sometimes) to not take it so personally.</p>
<p>Is it just me wondering what’s happening with Dharma?</p>
<p>She and her mother are on my mind also, TempeMom. I hope all is well. </p>
<p>I’m guessing Dharma’s low bidder was a bottom feeder who wasn’t interested in paying her price.</p>
<p>I think we can go over to Dharma’s original thread- someone asked there, this am. Maybe Dharma will respond there??</p>
<p>It’s been almost two weeks since Dharma posted (Sept. 4), I keep popping up here to see what’s going on.</p>
<p>PM DW. From what she messaged me, their counter offer was accepted and the house is sold, so that was great news. </p>
<p>Sometimes things are better discussed via PM.</p>
<p>Sending hugs to everyone that needs it, which is probably just about everyone reading this thread!</p>
<p>For the record, her original thread: <a href=“Newbie questions about 24/7 caregivers: legal questions, etc. - #27 by jym626 - Parent Cafe - College Confidential Forums”>Newbie questions about 24/7 caregivers: legal questions, etc. - #27 by jym626 - Parent Cafe - College Confidential Forums; I don’t know if she plans to update there. </p>
<p>Thanks LF, I couldn’t find that.</p>
<p>Dharma left an updated message on the original thread. </p>