<p>Oh man, intparent, nothing like being pushed squarely into the middle of a marital fight! I think you’re right, you should do nothing to support his scheme. </p>
<p>eyeamom, wonderful to hear. How gracious of your mom to acknowledge your and your sister’s roles. That’s something to hang onto whenever the irrational part pops up again.</p>
<p>intparent- Sorry for the what your parents are going through and what you have on your plate. I hope your Dad’s eye surgery is successful. Your mother’s fall is remarkable for how minimal its impact was. I stepped off a 3 inch curb unwittingly 6 months ago and am still navigating complications. </p>
<p>That said, I am with you 200% on not building onto the house. The handwriting is on the wall and it sounds like too much to take care of, particularly when compelling reasons for considering different arrangements are already on the table (driving being questionable, falling, and just their ages). Is your brother educable on senior living issues? Sometimes denial and eagerness to please combine in a powerful brew. </p>
<p>Simplifying and accommodating a bit sooner than a crisis, allowing for choice, has a lot to recommend it. I encouraged my parents to give assisted living a chance, as it is easy to see what you are losing and harder to predict the gains. What a difference it made to their quality of life to not be burdened with a complicated residence, need to get out for everything, etc. It seems you are talking about independent living, which is also achievable in many areas with the chance to socialize and eventually be part of an elder care community. How great it would be to not need a car or to have people to chat with regularly. When it comes to housing for most people in their mid-eighties, less is more. Sorry it is not going to be pretty. Perhaps your wisdom will ultimately make the difference. Hang in there and keep us posted. There are a lot of people who have traveled this road hanging around here and I have found them very helpful. </p>
<p>Just saying: older relatives (mid-80’s, uncle has mid-stage dementia) reoriented their first floor, built a great room and turned the old LR into a bedroom, added a a master bath. All access is wide enough for future wheelchairs. The floor plan has all rooms opening into the same space. Changes to the kitchen made it more usable for elderly and safer. A really good set-up. The problem? Took at least two years. I don’t know the cost. Overall, not an investment that will be recouped in some future sale (mostly because of the specific location.) But the house itself has already appreciated over the past 50 years. And this earned them more time- and better time- in this home. Just saying this for the input. </p>
<p>eyeamom – great news. great, great new. Really happy for you.</p>
<p>Intparent - I am so sorry. I wouldn’t do a thing to help facilitate that plan – especially with neither of them being able to safely drive from what it sounds like. They would be so much better off getting someplace with a single floor and transportation. (More and more I appreciate the incredible senior transportation network our town has put in place.)</p>
<p>Eyemom- wow, that was some admission from your mom. Now you know that regardless of her other shenanigans, deep down, she does “get it” and appreciates all you do. </p>
<p>LF- good to remember it isn’t one size fits all. Can you tell my parents staying in a big house too long impacted my thinking? They left after one fell down a full flight of stairs, sustaining serious injuries. </p>
<p>I have an aunt who died at home at 89. She installed a stair lift and hired a woman to live with her 24/7. Her caregiver was amazing - cooked, monitored meds, transported her for dialysis, cleaned and maintained the house and garden, did laundry, and loved her (family friend). It worked very well for the family also. Those stars aligned, though her social life diminished as all aged and she commented that she missed that even as her companion took her out as much as was feasible. </p>
<p>The home addition option may be best if you anticipate your wish to age in place prior to having limitations and get it built, have resources for care at home/other levels of care as needed post-build, easily accessible services nearby and prefer being at home rather than group living. Also, local supports would be important in terms of navigating the complexities of home and care provider management as frailties emerge. In my experience, by the time most people need lots of help at home, they are unable to orchestrate it. </p>
<p>It is thought provoking and context may make all the difference. </p>
<p>Eyeamom- glad to hear about your mother’s improved state of mind. It is such a relief. Many elders get very irritable and irrational in response to systemic health issues. If she is in a skilled rehab with Medicare and Medigap coverage, she can stay for a certain time-frame if she is making progress and it is not deemed custodial care. As the parameters for payment and days allowed vary, any such questions can be answered by the finance office so there are no surprises. Great to feel she is in a good place and appreciative! </p>
<p>Thank you everyone. I slept like a rock last night for the first time in a while.</p>
<p>I also vote thumbs down on the construction in the house. Something to mention perhaps is the stress of constantly having people coming and going. We just finished our basement, a supposed 6 week project, it ended up taking 4 months. People were always here, coming and going, in the driveway blocking us in and we never really knew exactly when people would be here every day. It made me realize I couldn’t stand it if it were on the main floor. It will be noisy, disruptive, dusty, etc. </p>
<p>Your poor dad is just hanging on to an unworkable situation. And I get it, we couldn’t get my essentially immobile mother to move out of a 3 story place for years and years. </p>
<p>@intparent I think I know why your brother in town is agreeing with your dad - he probably has a pattern where he has always agreed with dad, maybe to be a good son, maybe because he doesn’t want to argue, etc - whatever emotional need or behavior pattern. My mother had to forfeit her driver’s license after a very bad accident (DA threatened felony charges if she did not), yet my brother went along and got her another car and lined up her driving lessons (after she successfully got a driving permit! - in the same state where she forfeited her license!) with an off-duty cop - all because she would go on and on and on, and he folded. Thankfully there was a way within driver’s licensing that we could shut her down (and her attorney "sealed the deal’ when he said to her that there were no avenues for her to get a driver’s license again - she showed him the letter she received from the state).</p>
<p>@intparent help facilitate the path your mom wants, while holding off on the dad’s addition actions. Is there an elderly agency available for help - info and other services?</p>
<p>@eyemamom I had to lol at the comment about your mother being so lovable! She must be getting the right kind of attention, because my mother could put on the charm when she was getting everything she wanted. Mom took great pleasure when a high level MD (who was dressed in a tux for a nearby event) visited her in the hospital to allow her additional stay days (she had a head on car accident and could not get out of bed w/o assistance) - she was so charming - almost like he dressed for her!</p>
<p>Though this build worked for my relatives, one good reason not to stay in the home is that, in a senior oriented place, even if it’s sr condos or apts, more eyes are on them. My relatives have family very close and are quite nice people, easy to want to be with. </p>
<p>(Actually, I should admit, they are DH’s relatives, his is the easy side.)</p>
<p>Today the social worker called my brother to arrange for a time to have a meeting next week with everyone to discuss her status. And it can also include us on the phone. We’re all circling around the same things, can she be released to go home? When will they release her? What’s next for her? Can I assume that at that time they’ll give us their recommendation? If my mom just says no, can she just go home? The four of us are relatively sane and I don’t think anyone has any off the wall suggestion - it’s either home with aids, assisted living or nursing home. I just don’t know enough to know how much to expect. </p>
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<p>My dad thinks it can be done by Christmas (this year)…</p>
<p>One of my dad’s big problems with looking at independent living places that graduate to more care is that you don’t actually own anything at the end. He can’t stand that idea. Of course… he WOULD be buying peace of mind and a lot less work for his kids to make sure everything is being taken care of at their house. But he doesn’t think of that part. He can afford either option. I also don’t think it will increase the value of their house, which is already at the high end of their neighborhood.</p>
<p>My brother, who tends toward clueless and not dealing with things until they absolutely smack him in the face, doesn’t seem to realize that he is going to have to coordinate a lot of the building process & decisions (he has never built, he doesn’t really have any idea, IMHO) and make sure everything is going okay because I don’t really think my parents can do it, and I live far away. He is going to have to deal with helping to hire a caretaker, and replace them when my parents are so rude that they quit. 
My sister in law is a nurse – she might think it is a bad idea as well, but don’t know if she will get involved… she might just let our family duke this one out on our own. And who could blame her?</p>
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<p>Hahahahaha. </p>
<p>My neighbors are doing a construction project about that size right now: they’re adding a couple of bedrooms to their one story house. They started construction at the end of June. They’re not finished yet. And obviously, there were months of design, hiring of a construction crew and permit-getting before they began construction. Imagining that the whole process could take less that three months is hilarious.</p>
<p>Even if he had architectural plans and permits today, and the contractor chosen and signed on, highly doubt it. (And not a reliable and in-demand team.) In some areas, I’ve been told that getting ready for the December holidays (and before bad weather,) is some sort of rush season. </p>
<p>Is there a chance he could buy a condo? Then, there’d be (we hope) equity building. </p>
<p>Intparent, my folks are at a CCRC in which they own their own condo. Message me if you want to know where. There are 2 such models in this area and some scattered around the country. Other than that, no real difference between their situation and other CCRCs. Of course it’s a bad idea to add on to the house. Certainly hiring an aid 24/7 is less expensive. </p>
<p>My folks built onto their house about 25 years ago. My dad, an electrical engineer even did the wiring. Now, all I would have to do is sit back and see if such a project can even get started, much less accomplished. </p>
<p>eyeamom, Great that your mom is improving. Hope you get some plans in place. As to placement, a lot is dependent on finances. </p>
<p>After suffering through a long illness my MIL passed away this week. Thank you to all for posting as I have learned a great deal from reading your posts about loved one’s conditions. My question today is whether I will regret not taking my MIL’s clothes to wear. The idea creeps me out right now, but I can’t think clearly enough to know whether I will later regret passing up the repeated offer. Thank you all.</p>
<p>Parent15, so sorry about your loss. Wearing clothing from a deceased person seems a very personal decision. Some folks feel a connection in a positive way (e.g. H and BIL wearing clothes from their deceased sis), while others just get creeped out. </p>
<p>parent15 - so sorry for your loss. I know my mom didn’t want to ‘waste’ dad’s stuff. All the grandkids got one of his famous sweatshirts. When my husbands grandfather passed my son took his leather bomber jacket that was just so him. </p>
<p>Apparently the staff at mom’s current place will take her back to her home to assess where she lives and what she needs to manage there. I think that’s wonderful and I’m amazed they do that. I wish she would have gone there during any of her previous admissions when she refused rehab and lived in a ridiculous situation. </p>
<p>parent15–can you take the clothes and wait to make the final decision later? A year from now you may look at that stunning jacket differently and feel good about wearing it. I still have a skirt that was my mother’s. It’s a timeless paisley and I think of her when I wear it. </p>
<p>parent15 - so sorry for your loss. DH took a few of his father’s clothing items, but I think mostly as a remembrance, not to wear. He’s worn one of his t-shirts, but only around the house. I agree with momannoyed that taking things now and deciding what to do later may be your best strategy.</p>
<p>deepest sympathies, parent15.</p>