<p>My sympathies, too. But try not to worry about how you will feel in a year. We make the best decisions we can, today. Next year, we remind ourselves we “made the best decision we could, at the time.” It’s ok to save one or two pieces only. If the clothes are good, there are may back-to-work programs to donate to. Best wishes.</p>
<p>@parent15 - I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’d encourage you to take some things and just set them aside for now. You can make the decision at a later date. Aside from wearing them, you may want to turn them into a memory item - a quilt or pillow. If you google Memory quilt or memory pillow, you should find several ideas of what I’m talking about. I did this with my FIL’s clothing. I turned his shirts into several baby quilts and I also took some of this button down shirt and turned them into pillows. My MIL was especially glad to get a pillow from me. She keeps it in her bedroom. If you PM me, I can show you pictures. </p>
<p>parent15, so sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>Do you need to make the decision about your MIL’s clothes right away? Can you wait a week? Emotions are so raw right now, it doesn’t seem like this is the time. </p>
<p>My condolences, parent15.</p>
<p>Parent15 , my condolences.</p>
<p>For the clothes. Would it weird out your H?
I would not take anything of my mothers, my H would flip. But I did take two t shirts and a blouse of my sister’s. I love seeing it in my closet. The Tshirts are done in, she has been gone 17 years already.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your suggestions, kindness, and support. Now that it is officially the weekend our family can get caught up with sleep. Waiting a bit to make a decision sounds good too. Thank you all again.</p>
<p>@parent15, sorry for your loss. </p>
<p>Regarding a condo, I suggested it. They have some friends who moved to a nearby condo recently. He completely brushed the idea off when I mentioned it.</p>
<p>Maybe if you know the friends well enough, ask THEM if they could call dad and mom, invite them over and rave about the condo. My folks’ friends have done this and it is a great kindness, setting my folks’ minds at ease about being on the waitlist at their senior living community where their friends are living. </p>
<p>Here’s an article about the similarities and differences of the two sides of the sandwich–parenting children and parenting parents.
<a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/05/fashion/the-return-of-the-tooth-fairy-several-decades-later.html”>http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/05/fashion/the-return-of-the-tooth-fairy-several-decades-later.html</a></p>
<p>Truer words were never spoken:
</p>
<p>Himom, that seems to be exactly what made my parents make the move to fill out the forms for the independent living / continuing cafe place they have applied to. Friends who are happy there. (Heck, I could be happy there in about 15 years…waterfront Mercer Island views)</p>
<p>I have a problem with my parents and pets. Remember, my parents both have dementia, are physically vigorous, and are in an independent living condo at a CCRC. My parents love cats. When I moved them here 1year ago, they had 2 cats. One was 20 years old and died about 4 months ago. The cat they have now was a stray, named “Buffy” and wonderfully calm, docile, and affectionate. Somehow, about 2weeks ago they were given a young stray. They don’t remember the circumstances of why the stray was given, and how delivered, but this cat is now in their apartment. Unlike Buffy, who was probably dumped, this is a wild cat. She has been living on the small back porch, doing better by finding her way inside, and actually getting along with Buffy. She does use a litter pan.</p>
<p>We are going away and for 4 days in less than a week. My dad decided it was time for the new cat to learn where it’s new home was (in the bathroom) tried to capture it (got badly scratched and bleeding) and the cat is now in hiding in a tiny place in the closet, scared, and will fight if you get near. My dad was apparently rough and who knows when the cat will ever emerge. That is how I left them last night. It is unclear what my dad’s goals were other than a battle of the wills regarding the cat. I think he meant to keep it in the bathroom so she knows this is where her litter pan is “now.” </p>
<p>My mom is upset as she is a kind soul and loves cats and angry at my dad. When looking for the cat last night she wandered around calling for Buffy which seems her now universal word for “cat.” I think this cat was trapped on the CCRC property, brought to the vet to be spayed and given to my parents as they are cat people, and due to the fact they are physically vigorous, seem competent. But, I am not sure as they can’t remember. I did find a vet bill and a check from one of the other residents which I assume is for part of the vet bill. I would like to get the cat out of the apartment and either release her back on the grounds (acceptable I understand for a spayed cat) or bring to the pound. But this would crush my mom. But if this cat can be domesticated, she is too much of a challenge for my parents (of course, they don’t know or think this), and too young at probably 6-8 months old. But, the cat was making progress until this latest crisis. But I suspect there will always be a crisis. </p>
<p>What resources do I muster? Call the social worker at the CCRC? Call the vet? We can’t have a cat as my husband has asthma which is in crisis mode around cats.</p>
<p>Ugh, elderly parents and their pets.</p>
<p>One idea: Take the new cat to the SPCA or other shelter, and trade it in for an older, passive, trained cat. You can present it to your mom as “The new cat just isn’t ready to live with us yet. She needs training and socialization, and the SPCA are the professionals at doing that. Meantime, here is a nice kitty to keep you company.” In other words, it’s temporary and it’s a kindness to this sweet kitty. (And if the cat is adoption material, SPCA will indeed socialize it and get it ready for its new family.)</p>
<p>And then… let the dementia take over. Sometimes memory loss is a boon.</p>
<p>This column gave me a lot to think about, as I reflect on my dad’s final years and his death. I like to think he had the most control over his life, however crazy it was for him and my stepmother to live in the falling-down house with him cooking two meals a day almost to the end. No, he couldn’t go home to die but you can’t always get what you want, right?
<a href=“Opinion | The Best Possible Day - The New York Times”>http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/05/opinion/sunday/the-best-possible-day.html</a></p>
<p>GTalum., I think that in this case, the kindest thing you can do is to tell your mother a nice story: how about that it turns out that the cat belonged to a family with heartbroken children and you are bringing her back?</p>
<p>I don’t think a new cat is the answer for them. They have one really good cat for them now, and it’s not likely that they will get better able to adapt to and care for a new one, is it? If you can find a shelter that will take the cat, that would be great. Many times shelters will lend you a trap. Leave it in the closet and you’ll catch the cat.</p>
<p>Make sure your dad’s injuries are treated–often cat scratch wounds are deeper than they look and you don’t want your dad to get a nasty infection.</p>
<p>It doesn’t sound to me like this is a feral cat, meaning a cat that was born wild and was never a pet. Feral cats are much shyer than stray cats that were once pets. I doubt that your father could have picked up a true feral without needing a trip to the emergency room, nor do I think that a true feral would have come in the house or used a litter pan. Rather, it seems like this cat is a stray, a former pet who got lost or was abandoned by its owners.</p>
<p>You should not return stray cats to the outdoors. Rather, you should try to trap this kitty and bring it to a shelter so they can socialize it and find an owner who is better able to care for it.</p>
<p>Thanks all. I went over today and the cat has emerged from the closet. She actually likes mom (who doesn’t?). Mom can’t pick her up, but she does not cower when she comes near and she will even rub against her legs when she thinks she is being fed. But, she is so scared of dad and mom can’t seem to forgive him for mistreating the cat. Plus dad is mad at the cat for not liking him, despite the fact he threw her against the wall yesterday (I found out today). Thank you for the tip that I can get a trap from the ASPCA. He thinks less than 2 weeks is enough to keep her from being terrified of him. </p>
<p>I checked dad’s scratch today and he is, so far, OK. Mom will allow me to take the cat out of the house if dad mistreats it again, which I think is likely and she will let me know. I think you are right, she must be a stray but no feral. The plus side is that mom brightens with a cat to care for. She can accomplish the tasks needed and it makes her feel useful. But she would rather let the cat go then watch someone mistreat it. I will try to figure out how to get her involved with a group that helps others care for their pets which I think is something they have at their CCRC. </p>
<p>Some facilities have volunteers whi bring their pets to visit residents. Might be a way for your mom to get an additional kitty fix w/o the burdens of ownership.</p>
<p>Yes counting down, that will be a great option sometime in the future, but for now, she can walk over to other residents and help them care for their pets. </p>
<p>The pet thing is tricky. I have 3 cats and a dog, and can’t imagine not have a cat around at all. She sounds like she gets that it wouldn’t be good for the cat to be around your dad. </p>
<p>Meanwhile…back at the snf/rehab unit, my mom has the uti again and once again sounded a bit out of it yesterday. There is a family meeting today. Supposedly they’re taking her back to her apartment again to assess how she’ll manage there.</p>
<p>I don’t know, it’s a constant battle with the chf meds and the ensuing uti. Throw in the back issues and it’s always, always something. </p>
<p>@eyemamom, so sorry to hear about your mom’s continued health issues. Between my mother, Aunt and MIL, my husband calls these “crisis du jour”. I know the risks of prophylactic antibiotics but my mother’s urologist finally put her on one after a year of nearly continuous UTI’s. Can the caregivers or staff make sure she is cleaned properly after voiding and moving her bowels? This may help if the culprit is ecoli contamination.</p>