<p>But they do have a cat. We moved with two, the 20 year old died. The cat they have is laid back, passive, and loves to just lie around in the company of my parents. But she will not sit on a lap! In her usual laid back fashion, she has no problems with another cat around the apartment. </p>
<p>eyemamom. It gets very complicated assessing the risk/benefit of all the medications! </p>
<p>GTalum- it sounds like keeping their original cat only is what makes sense. Having your father upset and animal n harm’s way is good for no one. I’d gracefully move the new cat along. Also, new cat may have disease communicable to old cat and it seems unrealistic to keep them separate. I’d finesse an exit for cat 2, as some have suggested. Therapeutic fiblets may play a role. In a general sense, it sounds like your folks are better off moving down the path to simplify their lives, rather than adding more variables. Best with it!</p>
<p>Eyeamom-So tough. If the chf meds consistently lead to mind compromising UTIs, I would want to take advantage of this time (in rehab) to look at prophylactic meds and any other options to make the situation workable. That said, this is like a game of Jenga and in my experience, keeping the tower standing just starts to get harder and harder, requiring more supports from home care, medical assisted living or NH facility depending on needs. If that what Docs/staff think is indicated, now is a great time to get those ducks in a row. I don’t get sending her home without this in order to “see how she does” if indeed failure seems likely. Hope it works in her favor. Has she used all SNR coverage. If not, why rush if things are not stable? Good luck!</p>
<p>There seems to be no rush to get her out. I believe medicare pays for 100 days and she’s only been there 2 weeks. While other places gave her the bum rush to hurry up and get out this place actually seems focused on getting her ready to be on her own, even if it takes awhile. I really thought last week with a little more time she could go home. Now with this again I’m just wondering how this can possibly work. It’s like putting your finger in the dam and another stream of water spills out elsewhere. </p>
<p>This is the first place she ever has gone that seems focused on healing all of her, not just one thing. No clue if they’re monitoring her fluids, if the catheter caused this, if she isn’t maintaining the hygiene properly. I hope a lot is told to us today.</p>
<p>Glad to hear it, Eyeamom. I remember you were happy with their thoroughness. Glad the discussion of trying things at home is in anticipation of a later discharge. </p>
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<p>Ha, ha. One thing I’ve learned with caring for aging parents is that what “makes sense” is not typically what happens. Of course you are right. Graceful removal is out of the question at this time. But, I will make plans. Unfortunately mom and cat are bonding. </p>
<p>eyemamon, what a delight to find a place that is trying to treat the person, not just the symptoms. I hope you and your siblings learn what you need to know from the meeting.</p>
<p>GTalum, good observation about “what makes sense” not always having much of a place in the discussion. Sometimes it’s not making the arrangements that are best, but making the best arrangements they can and will accept.</p>
<p>They plan to release mom Friday…eeek! They say if she can dress herself and walk around there is nothing else they can do. So the plan is pt 2x a week, visiting nurse 1 x a week, aides 3 x a week for 2 hours. Two sisters attended, brother blew it off, I live further away. Far away sister says - close sister butts head too much with mom. In town sister says, I have to do everything, if I have to butt heads to get stuff done than that’s what has to happen. Being here it all falls on me and I see how it goes. And she talked about her seeming so nice and compliant here, but at home it’s a different story. And thankfully everyone backed up nearby sister. And they told her they weren’t releasing her to drive…praise the lord. They are taking her to her place tomorrow to assess her daily living. </p>
<p>I don’t think she’ll last long at home. There is no way she can make her own food, grocery shop, pay bills, and many daily living things. I think everyone needs to see this. </p>
<p>I hate to say it, I’m a christian woman, but if I find myself in this situation I really hope someone just puts me out of my misery. The day I can’t take care of my own toileting is the day I pray my husband puts a pillow over my head and puts me out of my misery.</p>
<p>I know how you feel. Both my mother and aunt are now just “putting in time”. My brother is hands off, so it all falls to me, that may be a silver lining in that while it is very draining, all of the decisions are mine. Keep strong!</p>
<p>I hear you on compromises and picking your spots with failing elders. I try to start with determining the best possible resolution and then incrementally back it down as required. Keeping the ideal clear helps me to keep my eye on the big picture, which has a way of evaporating in a crisis. </p>
<p>Interesting how something new can shine a light on the ever changing terrain of our elders. With no break in routine, my father functioned relatively well in AL, despite moderate memory loss. When his dear friend moved to memory care, and he could no longer show her the way to dinner, how hard he was working to keep his head above water was revealed, leading to his move to memory care also. </p>
<p>Eyeamom- sorry that your family was caught by surprise. SNR does include a requirement of progress towards goals, active treatment, etc. Are the home care providers private or through Medicare? I ask because in some areas Medicare home aides are very booked, and with everyone wanting assistance at similar times, the utility of the help can be diminished by starting times unrelated to your mother’s routine or needs. May want to clarify schedule and expectations with providers in advance so that things go as smoothly as possible. Some choose to hire private support as a compliment to the Medicare covered aides initially. </p>
<p>Agreed, there are things worse than death. Where the line is may vary among us, but many elders or seriously ill people have been forthright in telling me when they believe they have crossed it. </p>
<p>I want to share an interesting observation. As a D, when my elder F died several years ago I suddenly had a huge amount of strength over not letting my M bully me. And now that she is demented, I have a huge amount of strength over not letting my only sibling- older B bully me. Bully as in psychologically- ’ now rocky you know that is not right, or that is just wrong, or what are you talking about, or YOU SHOULD, etc…’ As I consider myself quite insightful I had no idea this power over me was happening until I realized it was gone. Now I am looking around and thinking what else has held me in fear of rejection or captive? I laugh every time I think of a certain phrase. So I looked up fmdidgad. So who knows what that means? well , I’m not the first to think of it but I like thinking about it now…OK, give up? before you google it- spoiler alert- ‘Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn’ is the last thing Rhett says to Scarlett in Gone With the Wind.</p>
<p>eyeamom, re everyone needing to see it, I’ve found that over and over. It makes a difficult path even more so.</p>
<p>travelnut – “how hard he was working to keep his head above water” – so poignant, and true. </p>
<p>I can’t remember if I shared in this forum about a great documentary I just saw–“Alive Inside”–about how good music is for people with Alzheimer’s as well as other issues which may have them in extended care situations (bipolar, anger issues, even degenerative diseases such as MS). The director followed a social worker, Dan Cohen, around for a few years as he put ipods & headphones on people, with music chosen for them. The formerly isolated patients because animated! Some mute patients talked about their youth and shared information their caregivers had never heard. People confined to bed showed happiness for the first time in a long time.</p>
<p>Anyway, bottom line is, they are working to make this the standard of care in all nursing homes because it works. At one place they said they give patients their music for an hour in the morning and they are calmer all day. Medication can be reduced by (I think) 30%. So, money is saved, side effects are reduced, and patients are happier. It was such an uplifting movie (despite being about people with serious and real problems) that I urge everyone to see it.</p>
<p>And while out walking with women in the neighborhood yesterday, we (all about 60 or approaching it) all worried that we are starting to forget names of things. We laughed but everyone recounted a situation where we had to describe something to our husbands because we couldn’t remember the NOUN for it. Oy.</p>
<p>Oh yes travelnut, the most difficult part of my parent’s dementia is watching my dad work so hard to keep his head above water. Of course this keeps him frustrated. My mom doesn’t try, and therefore easier to be with. </p>
<p>Thanks @momannoyed for sharing the info about the documentary “Alive Inside” - googled it and can see trailer and film off web site. </p>
<p>I love music, and look forward to taking the time to see this documentary. My mom had dementia (she died Nov 2010).</p>
<p>Love the idea of tailoring the music to them, just like in medicine there is a trend with genome research etc for personalized medicine.</p>
<p>GT, so true. When my dad didn’t remember, he’d say “I don’t remember that.” When Mom doesn’t remember, she says “That didn’t happen” and she sounds so sure of herself that people believe her. It causes problems sometimes, not the forgetting, but the being so definite about something that’s wrong.</p>
<p>My MIL would nod her head as if she did remember. She had many social phrases she used that made it seem she was keeping up </p>
<p>My mother covered her dementia for many years very well - sounds like @lookingforward 's MIL.</p>
<p>LasMa The biggest problem I have is that my dad wants so much to remember and make decisions. However, when you can’t keep more than one variable in your head at a time, and you forget even that one variable 5 minutes later, you can’t make a decision. I find I go in circles explaining stuff and it’s a never ending conversation. At some point I have to use distraction to stop it or simply say “I have tried to explain and it’s not working” or “I will write it down for you.” Usually I don’t write it down because he’ll look at it and ask “what’s that about?” and we do the same thing over again. Mom doesn’t try to understand. And yes, people, unless they have similar conversations with him, don’t realize how impaired he is. He is very intelligent and has a lot of “extra” intelligence to throw around. But he absolutely should not be making decisions. But others don’t know this. </p>
<p>eyemamom, I really understand your feelings about your mother and about what you think you would want for yourself. It is so important for everyone to have a detailed living will so that if they can’t express their wishes due to injury or dementia or whatever, it’s all in writing where the people making the decisions can see them. When my dad had his final hospital admission, it wasn’t for anything that looked fatal, but the attending doctor asked right away if he had a living will. When my dad had his stroke a week later, I was so grateful to have specific directives for what he wanted and didn’t want. If any of you want to see my dad’s living will, PM me with your email address and I will send it to you.</p>
<p>One more thing: his living will was redone when he changed his will the final time. When he was hospitalized, I emailed the lawyer and she emailed it to me right away. No searching, at a truly stressful time. All I had to do was print it out.</p>
<p>Ugh, GT, I can relate.</p>