<p>eyemamon, I am sorry this is getting so hard, good luck with both your mother and your brother. This isn’t an easy transition for any of you, and the family relationships just make it harder. You are clearly acting out of love, so do your best and accept that you can’t make everyone see the same path at the same time, but you can do something to make things better.</p>
<p>Here’s a hug (((((((( ))))))))</p>
<p>Eyeamom- hang in there. We are with you. You are doing right by your mother. Sorry for how this timing unfolded and for your brother in denial. I hope the right place emerges quickly. Sounds like your assessment of her as being nursing home appropriate is accurate. </p>
<p>(((((eyeamom)))))</p>
<p>It’s so difficult, when your parent is in denial about what they need.</p>
<p>She thinks her friends are going to prepare all of her meals for her. My sister told her… an offer to make you a meal is not an offer to become your personal chef. You cannot expect your friends to be your caregivers. They want to come over, share a meal and have a glass of wine. They won’t be doing your laundry, serving you and taking care of you. </p>
<p>My brother says they talked about it and she was going to decide in 2 weeks if she could continue living on her own. That she thought she’d see quickly. What she isn’t getting is if she stays and spends down all her money on caregivers and rent and living expenses she’ll be under the threshold of needed money to get into the decent places. </p>
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<p>Eyemamom, I follow the thread though I am not supposed to be here, but I want to be in union with parents under immense stress, experiencing confusion. You have too much going on to handle yourself, my deepest sympathies. PM me so we can talk together. Dharmawheel. Moderators, please excuse the intrusion but I was so moved by Eyemamom’s dilemma.</p>
<p>eyeamom - the plan of 2 weeks seems reasonable to me. But, I wouldn’t let it drag on a specific deadline and as long as that deadline isn’t indefinite… I would also get as many brothers and sisters together and stage an “intervention” at the specific deadline of 2 weeks. Show her that she cannot stay home alone and outline her options. </p>
<p>On the toddler comparison, if you give them an inch, one little opening, they take a mile. One indulgence (like still being able to spend without limits) somehow makes them feel like they’re their old selves. And it’s harder when they just don’t understand, whether it’s the decline or some emotional need. </p>
<p>Does your brother understand that projecting X months in AL or NH will cost $Y dollars? Maybe starting with what three years would cost? </p>
<p>One day at a time, eyemamom. Hang in there!</p>
<p>In case your wondering what I’m dealing with here, mom had the aide come by today who was in her 70’s! She’s from mom’s home town so mom is loving her. She even announced when she felt better she was going to become an aide too. </p>
<p>We’re waiting for the calls from the various assisted living places to see if she can afford it, and if there is a waiting list. Number one choice may very well be out of her reach financially. My brother seems to think she’s giving herself a week or two to see if she can manage on her own. However, my moochy niece is moving back in and I’m afraid that will make my mom feel like she has to stay because of her. So where do I draw the line on what is and isn’t my business? I think my niece needs to suck it up and stay in her own apartment and figure out how to get along with people. She doesn’t help my mom at all, and if anything just makes a bigger mess. But I know my mom gets lonely and scared being alone. </p>
<p>My sister is talking about the 4 of us confronting her and telling her she MUST go to assisted living. With that show of force she would do it. Even her much younger friend apparently was asking her…how are you going to manage this or that, why aren’t you going to assisted living? </p>
<p>I’m thinking I might need to buy a home blood pressure monitor to make sure I don’t literally blow a cork.</p>
<p>eyemamom, sorry, this must be super-stressful. Whose kid is this niece? Your brother dealing with the money or your sister dealing with the day to day stuff? Or someone else?</p>
<p>I know my story is confusing. I don’t expect everyone to remember. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. 1 sis and 1 bro live there. The other sister lives further way, and her daughter is the mooch. My brother is power of attorney financially, my sis in town has medical power of attorney. It’s my signature on the lease on mom’s place so should she move I’ll be kicking the mooch out and trying to get it re-rented. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. </p>
<p>Dharmawheel, I don’t think anyone minds you commenting on this thread. Good that your own saga has its own thread but you are a fellow traveler on the same road as the rest of us!</p>
<p>Eyemamon, could or would your brother as POA tell your niece that it is not a good time as Grandma will most likely be moving and the apt. will be rented?</p>
<p>You’re the lease holder? Then don’t you have the right to say no to the niece as you have ultimate liability in several respects? Or tell that sister it is not an option? I know you’re farther away, but does the local sis agree with you?</p>
<p>Yikes, eyemamom. How is your niece able to move back in without permission from someone? I really feel for you and can relate to the blowing a cork comment. I hope there is a resolution in the near future for you.</p>
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<p>I think this is your best bet, if she doesn’t quickly come to the conclusion herself. She might.</p>
<p>I also think your sister’s plan is your best bet. I do remember about a year ago on this thread that a niece who was going to college was living with someone’s mom. In that case, I believe the mom was demanding and the niece was frequently in tears. Was that your niece? I think the niece should not move in unless she is aware she will be paying rent. Half the rent if your mom is there (which will help with all the excess costs) or the full rent if your mom is not. You as the leaseholder will probably need to deliver the news, but I would do it in writing. </p>
<p>Sorry for it all, eyeamom. This is a time to put your mother front and center, not muddy the waters with the niece moving in. </p>
<p>Good plan to do a loving intervention to ensure mother is safe and there is a plan you can all live with going forward. Very smart to know of viable options for her care and narrow decision-making. Financial brother can save time with apps by having current statements available, knowing income and expenses, etcetera. Also, health proxy can put in requests for medical records from her primary care doc and perhaps from her hospitalizations. Copies can then go to places as indicated. This groundwork will be useful going forward. Specific paperwork requirements vary by place; all should be able to tell you what they need. </p>
<p>Also, if AL is appropriate, double check what services are built in. Sounds like having place do all medication ordering and managing would be a big plus. AL without routine nursing care available can be more like a resort with meals included than a frail senior care option. Very helpful to know health status can be routinely assessed on site. </p>
<p>Best with all of it. So stressful, but peace of mind awaits. </p>
<p>GTAlum - yes that niece/mom situation was me. Mom is demanding and niece couldn’t take it anymore and moved out. What wasn’t clear to me at the time was how little niece helped out around the house. I didn’t blame her for wanting out. But mom is in way worse shape now and when I mentioned to my sister that if niece thought it was bad last spring, it will be 100x worse. And her comment was, we’ll make sure mom knows niece won’t do a thing to help. yikes Really? You’re going to sit there and watch someone who can hardly function alone and not take out the trash, help with laundry, do grocery shopping?? I have a feeling the aid will be cleaning up after my niece. I talked it through with my mom yesterday. The first exploratory conversation about the need to now come up with a plan when the lease is over. She is a real Scarlet O’Hara, she’ll think about it tomorrow. She did say she would talk to niece and tell her if she moves in there are things she needs for her to do.</p>
<p>Meanwhile we have to find someplace for her to go. The mom of the niece just essentially told us she wouldn’t help call a few places because she’s not really a money person. The idea is let’s call around and find pricing first because if it’s not a reality for her there is no need to move forward. </p>