<p>Is it awful if I tell you I feel like washing my hands of this situation? Mom insists she won’t go to any kind of assisted living, yet after a day and a half alone with no aide has an anxiety attack and calls sis and bro and they run over to sit with her all evening. She was convinced she had stomach cancer. She had a ct scan on Friday and hadn’t heard anything and no one believed me that if there was something serious they would have already told her. She takes anti-biotics, heavy duty pain meds and continues to drink scotch. I now believe she has an alcohol dependency. No wonder her stomach hurts! Sure enough nothing showed up. She had the same exact situation when she was with me in the spring and I keep reminding everyone the brat diet is what got her feeling better. All those meds and not eating will of course upset her stomach. No one else is with me believing we need to really push this situation forward with AL by confronting her together. Or at least no one wants to force her. I don’t either but I think if we presented a united front she’d do it. So I’m pretty much just saying don’t come crying to me when you all are worn to a frazzle running around making her unlivable situation work for her. </p>
<p>eyemamom - I agree that without your siblings supporting you, there is not much else you can do. I suspect your siblings will come around after they are running around. I hope it’s not too late then. And no, you are not awful, you are doing what you need to do. </p>
<p>eyeamom- agree that some people just need to learn the hard way. Your mother is clearly not self-assessing accurately. As long as sibs are willing to drop everything and run, transport her, bring in food, etc., the situation can carry on. Enabling a dangerous situation comes at high cost. It is not yours to pay. I would be direct with sibs (handwriting is on the wall, we all wish…, but home is unsafe and better to get her situated sooner and in a place of choice, than randomly in a crisis, etc.) I’d offer my help to make it happen and if no one was interested, I’d say almost exactly what you said here- I don’t buy into putting this off and making things more complicated down the road, so this is my offer to help and if it doesn’t work for you now, I will leave it to you to sort out what comes next. Then you can see their reply. Maybe give them a week to “think about it”. </p>
<p>This is another chapter in the very long book: how can the same parents raise such different kids? (Even though, as a parent, I can answer that question myself…)</p>
<p>Hang in there! </p>
<p>eyeamom, no, you’re not awful. That’s #1.</p>
<p>It’s rough when you arrive at a conclusion before the siblings do. They’ll get the picture eventually, but probably not until another “event” – or until they get tired of plugging the holes which they’ve created by allowing your mom to call the shots. One or the other will happen, probably sooner rather than later. Meantime, we understand! Hang in there.</p>
<p>(((((( ))))))</p>
<p>If you back off now, for a while, so they can see the effects of their choices with Mom, please don’t get stuck later. They may say, ok, for the past x weeks or months, we took over, now it’s your turn. Maybe someone here can help with the words. All I can think of now is blunt, along the lines of: if this leads to a crisis, I may not be able to do much.</p>
<p>Just wanted to share this link with you - a tear jerker for sure:
<a href=“End of life medical decisions: Atul Gawande book excerpt on no risky chances.”>http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2014/10/end_of_life_medical_decisions_atul_gawande_book_excerpt_on_no_risky_chances.html</a></p>
<p>I sent a group text out today - I am officially bowing out of this ridiculous situation. If you are all okay with this non plan and no one else will talk to her but me there is nothing else I can do.</p>
<p>How can 3 adult children be too chicken to tell her that she is in an untenable situation? If we worked as a team she’d listen to us all, but she plays one against the other. </p>
<p>I’ve been rolling along with the assisted living place, I’ve been the one managing the nurses/pt’s visits and I call mom every day. I have the conversation with her all the time, the money will run out if you don’t make a move soon. And she comes up with one cockamamie thing after another. And everyone else is all about…just give it a little more time. Well, my time has run out. I don’t think we need to hope and pray she’ll make the right choice. It’s time to tell her she needs to do it for us. But everyone else is too chicken, even though they all completely agree with me.</p>
<p>I’ve announced “I” won’t be doing this move this summer, I won’t be paying for it, I won’t be running around scrambling. I found two choices that work NOW. I found the senior moving company. All she needs to do is walk next door. But without backup that won’t happen.</p>
<p>Oh, and mom hasn’t bathed since she was released from rehab - last Sunday. </p>
<p>Thanks, PhotoOp. Here’s another piece adapted from the book that was published in the NY Times a few weeks ago:
<a href=“Opinion | The Best Possible Day - The New York Times”>http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/05/opinion/sunday/the-best-possible-day.html</a></p>
<p>More about my saga with parents. It seems my mom ended up at the same day Orthopedic office because she fell and a staff member happened to see her. The clinic called her the following day and referred her to the Orthopedic office because my dad said her knee gave out. Mom doesn’t know why she fell and now thinks she fainted. After x-rays, she was referred to the joint specialist. Of course, I wrote a long message to the joint specialist and later that day informed that my mom never showed up for the appointment. I called my parents. My mom thinks she is going to the dermatologist and dad claims they called last night and rescheduled her appointment to later this week. I doubt this as people don’t call Sunday night and there is no documentation in her MyChart (online chart) of this rescheduled appointment. </p>
<p>So, I am contacting the NP who saw her at the same day Orthopedic clinic asking if, in her opinion, the joint replacement referral is a definite need (depends on what knee they are concerned with: The replaced or non-replaced one) to see if I need to reschedule or contact the primary about PT. I told work I need the flexibility to go to all my folks medical appointments. I made multiple phone calls to find out where I really need to send my MPOA information. Turns out it is not where they tell you on the medical proxy form release. </p>
<p>Now I’m drinking wine. I’m not sure how all will be accomplished. </p>
<p>Enjoy the wine, GTalum. You deserve a treat.</p>
<p>Eyemamom, I’m with you. Maybe you can find an activity to take your mind off some of this and offer a reason you can’t jump at the drop of a hat. Can you pass to your sibs the responsibility of managing the nurse and pt arrangements? Let them deal with that…and the frustration? All this is so hard.</p>
<p>GT, if they saw a problem on the x-ray, they can refer her. BUT, if they don’t see anything conclusive, they can also refer, so the next level of expertise gets involved. So, imo, just the referral doesn’t tell much, nor predict.</p>
<p>I think I’d be tempted to ask if, with possible pt and definite modified life routines (eg, not walking outside but inside, where there are handrails- or not taking that walk- or using a walker or rollator, etc,) she can avoid other med intervention completely.</p>
<p>Oh yes lookingforward, that’s was my question I asked. Did they see something that needs to be referred or are they just checking it out? When I walk with mom, she is steady. But it is obvious the mile plus walk they used to do is too much for her and they have modified it to something around 1/2 mile. I am hoping PT can give her other activities to help maintain her strength. Yes, avoiding the joint replacement surgeon is certainly a goal. Nothing good can come of that. </p>
<p>The biggest thing with my folks right now is lack of judgement and poor executive functioning. They don’t seem to need nursing care, just someone to manage their lives. I will figure out if I can find some resources that are not me. </p>
<p>eyeamom, I’m still incredulous that they thought she could go home. Could you call the doctor and tell them she hasn’t bathed since she came home, and there is no one to help her do that? Plus all the other stuff you’ve told us. Maybe a reassessment could be done?</p>
<p>GT, have you checked into Independent Living/Assisted Living? </p>
<p>They are at independent living. I need to set up a meeting with the visiting nurses/aids/companions and see what is available. </p>
<p>I’m still trying to sort out the schedule of events that have happened with them this past week. Particularly puzzling is that they thought her appointment with the joint specialist was rescheduled to Thursday. After talking to them today, mom claimed to answer the phone in the “middle of the night” informing her the appointment was rescheduled. I called and it was not. The doctor is in surgery on Thursday. So mom clearly had a hallucination or perhaps a vivid dream. Do others experience such events happening in the middle of the night with their elders? Does this represent a worsening of her dementia? </p>
<p>I set up a meeting to discuss care oversight for my parents. </p>
<p>GTalum, there came a point with my dad and stepmother that I changed the phone number with all the doctors and everyone else to my cell phone number. This, after many completely incomprehensible and/or phantom messages from them about phone calls.</p>
<p>My dad did have some very vivid dreams that he was totally convinced were true, but that was usually connected to hospitalizations for his arrhythmia.</p>
<p>Do you think that maybe this whole doctor thing is just so incomprehensible to your mom that she is trying to bridge the gap between what she understands and what she does not by closing the gap with a fantasy? In any event, I understand this makes a very difficult situation totally impossible! (((((HUGS!!!)))))</p>
<p>There are so many CC Parents’ Cafe threads at the moment about wills, retirement homes, aging, etc., etc. and whenever I read that someone is planning to drop dead at a convenient time, all I can say is, “If only!”</p>
<p>My mother and aunt both have hallucinations. My mother is past the stage that we try to understand or correct her. My aunt is in that awful stage of her vascular dementia that many times she sounds so rational and she will argue her point and insist that it is gospel. </p>
<p>eyeamom and GTalum, not posting, just referring. I will now be writing to you on my thread, if you care to visit.</p>
<p>Visual hallucinations that are ego-syntonic (meaning not upsetting to the person, often of little kids sitting on the bed, etc) is often a sign of Lewy Body Dementia</p>