<p>Hurrah! Great opportunity for your mother and nice to recognized by the AL as someone who gets it. Could be the start of an excellent rapport! </p>
<p>Can the check be delivered without your mother or do they need her there? </p>
<p>Glad for all the positives here . </p>
<p>Great news for you to have her on her way to a much safer situation. </p>
<p>The sales lady is a saint. She called me back to tell me mom could look at the actual unit tomorrow. I told her I’m having trouble figuring out how to get her there. She is walking over, getting my mom in the wheelchair and bringing her over herself. She’ll show her the unit again and have her sign the paperwork and help her with the check. </p>
<p>It was really sad explaining over and over to mom when not too long ago she’d have had no issue figuring this out. She called me back and asked if her friend could come too. It’s when I started crying, it feels like she’s asking me permission now. </p>
<p>I’m furious with my siblings, none of whom have responded to any calls, emails or texts.</p>
<p>Eyeamom, great news. It sounds so hopeful. My mom IS much better off in the AL. She is happier, too.
If you get POA, have your Mom recind your brothers POA or else you might be issuing competing orders. It is a simple form, you could DIY no attorney needed.
I get you on wanting to strangle siblings, my brother went hunting yesterday and didn’t call back, even though I had several semi urgent calls in to him. I decided not to wait for his input anymore, especially since he is a feet dragged re demolishing our old home and it was easier not to involve him. I didn’t even ask if he got anything ( his family hunts for food, so not sport) because I was focused on endless list of stuff to do while I am up with Mo M</p>
<p>Warning for people with elders… My BILs uncle died recently. Uncle’ s life insurance policy beneficiary was uncle’s wife…who died five years ago. BIL said it was a major PITA and warned me to check for my moms.</p>
<p>We all seem to have the same brother! I keep my brother informed, but I don’t wait for his input or approval. That might take a while. Though I do know he cares. Of course caring, and getting things done are two different things. You did great eyeamom! As to POA, a local sibling makes most sense, but your brother is not living up to his obligation and duty. It’s a heavy responsibility to take on, and he shouldn’t have agreed if he’s not up to the task. </p>
<p>I feel for everyone’s struggles here. DH has a half-basement full of old photo albums & other family “stuff” from his parents’ house. He has not exactly been on the ball about going through it, scanning the GOOD photos, and pitching the rest. I pray he does it before our kids need to worry about it! Because they’ll just pitch it all, probably.</p>
<p>Momannoyed- family photos are so tricky. Once no one can identify who is in them, meaning slips away. If your elders are able to help, bringing a reasonable number of photos for you to label as you visit together can be worthwhile. The window on this option can close before you expect it to do so…</p>
<p>A big warning not to miss - when a spouse dies, make sure all of the life insurance policies on the surviving spouse do not list a deceased as a beneficiary - it is a hassle and costs legal fees to get straightened out in many states.</p>
<p>My situation is so minor compared to what you all go through - I’m in awe at your efforts - but this thread gives such good advice. My mother is 88, still mentally OK although considerably slowed down, essentially healthy but has very low energy and realizes that she shouldn’t be living alone in her condo anymore. She is interested in a retirement living home relatively close to where she is now. She lives about 40 minutes away from me in good traffic but the highway goes by O’Hare Airport so that time frame can increase considerably during rush hour, inclement weather, et al. I drive up to see her every month or so. My brother and family live five minutes from her and see her frequently. She helped them a lot when their children were young with baby sitting and driving the kids places. Because of their proximity they’ve done zillions of casual get-togethers to which we were not invited. (I do have some old resentment of how SIL essentially relegated us to forgotten out-of-town relative status.) </p>
<p>In the last several conversations, she has brought up the home and every time I’ve offered to drive up and take her there or to call and get information since she said she hadn’t had time to do that. Each time she said she wasn’t ready yet. My last offer was made Thursday. I called her earlier this evening to offer to come up tomorrow to help install a program on her new computer that my brother and I had set up a couple of weeks ago. During the conversation, she casually mentioned that DIL (my SIL) was taking her to see the home on Tuesday.</p>
<p>Am I petty to feel hurt that she didn’t ask me, and that my brother and SIL didn’t even think to mention it let alone ask me to do it? When I wondered to Mom why she hadn’t asked (especially since SIL will be taking off work), she more or less said I could come along. I really don’t want to be sidelined in the this whole situation but I also don’t want to tag along as the second banana. I’m not sure if I should assert myself, or just be glad someone else wants to take on the responsibility. I guess I’ll just wing it tomorrow!</p>
<p>Marilyn, it’s great that you want to be a good daughter and sib. Maybe Mom feels, with SIL so near, that this is an easier way to visit a retirement place than asking you to make a special trip. And maybe it makes it feel lower pressure, less of a ‘big deal,’ if she’s feeling uncertain. </p>
<p>Marilyn, it seems you might be sitting back and waiting to be invited. Yes, I would join your mother and sister in law because you want to be involved, not because you are unsure of your place in the family. You are fortunate to be living as close to your mom as you do, and monthly visits are great, but it is your SIL and brother who take on the regular adult child duties and perhaps your mom, SIL, and brother don’t know where you would like to fit in. From their perspective, brother and SIL are there “all the time” while you give some time once a month and you would be there more if you could/wanted. I think many of us have trouble asking to be involved but all of you need to be a team with no one relegated to “second banana” status. I would also plan activities at your house and invite the whole family. </p>
<p>I find there is no substitute for just being present. When I call my parents, I find no useful information and often offers of help are declined. But, if I call and say “I would like to bring you to the retirement home and will be there at x time,” it is usually appreciated. This is probably the approach your SIL took in order to push the process of moving to the retirement home forward. If you leave the decision totally to your mom I suspect she will always say “I’m not ready yet.” So yes, assert yourself and work with your family. </p>
<p>I would say, Marilyn, to make sure DB & SIL know about your offers. I was annoyed with my in town sister who might take our mother out 3 times a year until I learned that our mother declines or cancels many times and never tells me that. This next part may not be encouraging, but I sense you are trying to determine reality. In our case mother & daughter were estranged back in the 1960s & 70s, DD was a wild hippie, mother would have been a yuppie if they existed back then. Mother lived in the suburbs, sister lived in the boonies, they were very different people, neither was the mother or daughter the other one wished for & there was a big emotional falling out in the 1960s. So, I think my mother needs to be feeling really up & really good to be able to do an outing and be aware of what she says so as to not offend my sister, and vice versa. With their history they are simply not comfortable with each other… :(</p>
<p>Welcome, Marilyn. </p>
<p>Today’s NY TImes has an excellent article on aging seniors and falls. The animations on what people see (or more correctly, don’t see) with yellowing vision and cataracts are illuminating.
<a href=“Bracing for the Falls of an Aging Nation - The New York Times”>Bracing for the Falls of an Aging Nation - The New York Times;
<p>@Marilyn - what I discovered was that while my mom would theoretically agree I ended up having to just show up and deal with it. It’s probably what your sister in law did. You usually can’t wait for the elderly to tell you they’re ready, you need to just go see the place and proceed. </p>
<p>I’m also the one who lives further away. I totally get I’m not the day to day person. I know that frustrates my sister to no end, but it’s not like I just moved, I haven’t lived there in 25+ years. I had to remind her one day - she had that 25 years of birthday parties, free babysitting, family parties, my parents went to every sporting event of their kids. Her family grew up with a very close relationship. I didn’t have that. I don’t feel neglected, they did come a lot. But in return for the years of all they did for her, I wasn’t crying too hard over her stopping by to check on mom occasionally. I just hired aides to be with her 6 days a week so my sister didn’t “have” to ever go there if she didn’t feel like it. </p>
<p>I now go monthly, but I call almost daily. I don’t think you can sit back and wait for an invitation. Jump in, be involved and figure out what kind of help you can offer from afar. </p>
<p>Thanks all for your insightful input; I think I can understand my mother more than DB and SIL. Mom and I do have a very good relationship; she’s always happy to see me and I’m the one she calls when she wants to kvetch. I will invite myself along for the Tuesday visit and ask to be kept onboard with all planning stages whether or not I can be involved in person.</p>
<p>eyemamom, your story sounds very similar to mine except that my parents moved to my brother’s town (from our home town out of state) about 16 years ago. No one understood my concern about the ramifications of the proximity issues and my father yelled at me for bringing it up. And in fact everything I feared came to pass like you described. We’ve hosted plenty of times over the years but apparently the drive from there to here is harder than from here to there! I am hosting Thanksgiving this year.</p>
<p>At least now I can feel less guilty about our hopeful plans to relocate to a warm weather climate in the spring. Both because my mother may be settled in a supportive environment, and because she wouldn’t turn to me anyway if I was here.</p>
<p>That was an illuminating article arabrab. Thank you for sharing.</p>
<p>My husband and I are now exploring the possibility of turning our two car garage into a small apartment for my Mother. Does anyone have experience in doing that? Right now she lives two hours away in her own home. My father passed away a year and a half ago and she’s had a rocky adjustment to his being gone, both physically and mentally. My sister lives the same distance away in a different direction. I think my Mom will have very mixed feelings about moving and giving up her home. She strongly values her independence and where she lives is her home town. Her brothers, older and younger, both live there, although she really doesn’t see either very often and her older brother is in poor health. Right now, we’re working out the cost to see if we can afford it if we use what little money my mother has. My sister is all for us doing this. My Mom has a reverse mortgage on her home.</p>
<p>Marilyn, I was going to join the chorus about not waiting for an invitation. MORE communication with siblings is usually helpful. Different points of view are always interesting, even when looking at the same thing. So you think Mom is A, Bro and SIL think Mom is B and sis is C. Mom thinks something else or it changes quickly. Just go for it with communications is my motto. Hasn’t had permanent damage yet, although there have been a few rocky moments.</p>
<p>Walking home, IDK about remodeling. But when my cousin had his mom in their basement unit (VERY LOVELY, now rented for extra income) it was a good thing. Depends on your DH and your Mom’s health, IMHO. Don’t move her there if she will have to move again soon to more help because it is hard for elders to cope with the moves. Hard for youngsters sometimes, too, LOL
Again, communication is the key. Is your DH ok with it? Will siblings help with expenses? Are you home all the time or would you need aides if your mom goes down hill fast (often happens at moves). etc etc etc. </p>
<p>Walkinghome, I agree with eso that you should consider carefully how your mother’s health will decline in the next few years. I’m guessing you could have your mother living in the renovated apartment in maybe nine months to a year from now. How long would she be able to continue living independently in the apartment? If you think she’ll be still able to be living alone in the apartment five years from now, then the renovation looks like a good idea. If you think that she’ll need more care three years from now, then maybe the renovation is not such a hot idea.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that the reverse mortgage will all have to be paid off by selling the house once mom moves out for whatever reason and include that in your plans and financial picture. Agree that multiple moves are hard and costly. </p>
<p>Also, sounds like this doubles the distance Sis would travel and so you may not get as much help from her (or as quick a reaction.) If one brother is ill, you may end up driving her back to her town anyway. Could she afford IL in her area? Plus, when you think of this, if she does get frailer, are you able to then provide for her what AL would?</p>
<p>We don’t know her age, but if she’s protective of her independence, she may not want to share a kitchen, be interacting all the time-? Add it to the things to consider. Best wishes.</p>