<p>NYT article was illuminating - I ran the costs of ‘buying in’ and monthly fees by my H - and told him we are very blessed to have solid LTC ins policies. Did you read some of the comments - sis stopped drinking and the falls stopped, but she did not see the connection? Sad about dad that put walker in his trunk and fell in restaurant parking lot…identifying throw rug that is a hazard and then it was…</p>
<p>My mom fell on her front step and hit her head and was bleeding profusely (filled a large bath towel with blood) - yet instead of calling 911 called brother (two houses away). Then after getting stitched up at hospital (they did not check her blood count) had to be admitted a day later because she had lost so much blood that she was very light-headed. Brother didn’t want to risk another fall and took her back for closer evaluation.</p>
<p>So sometimes the obvious is not apparent to the medical facility…</p>
<p>Actually, it would be about the same distance from my sister to my mother and I. We’re like a triangle distance-wise now - two hours to each side, each in a different state. Sister is okay with foregoing any inheritance. As we would if she wanted to build something, but she said she did not want to.</p>
<p>I had thought about traveling to visit her brothers, but sadly I doubt if the older brother will still be around by the time she moves here. Her other brother is kind of strange and not much for visits anyway. She hasn’t seen him since the Spring and he lives 10 minutes away. She does have insurance for LTC, but I would like that to be up here if possible. </p>
<p>Really, if she had her house up here, we’d all be fine. I could stop in every couple of days and do things for her. But with the distance and my job, I can’t just pop in and she really is lonely. That’s the hardest thing.</p>
<p>walkinghome, does your mother have any friends that she sees where she lives now? Do you think she’d be ok with moving? Do you think you’d be able to provide her with a social life besides you?</p>
<p>Everything worked out in the end - turns out SIL happened to be at Mom’s last week picking up a birthday card for brother when Mom mentioned she had made the appointment at the senior home. SIL didn’t think Mom should go alone (absolutely true) so volunteered. She’s more than happy for me to do it instead. Now I have to do some quick research on what questions to ask, or to steer Mom into asking.</p>
<p>What Mom would really like is for me to move a few minutes away so I could pop over whenever she needed me to install a program or fix her computer solitaire the way she likes or change the times on a couple of clocks or replace a light bulb. All of which I did today!</p>
<p>Marilyn, I’m glad that worked out with you, your Mom and SIL. It’s always better when the support team is on the same page. By biggest surprise as my parents aged, was really realizing that our distance from them is a huge factor. When we moved to where we are now almost 20 years ago, it seemed like a reasonable distance.</p>
<p>
My Mom has a lot of people that she knows but really no close friends. She has no buddies to come over for coffee, no one to go out to the movies with or anything like that. She goes to church less and less often. She never goes to the senior center any more. The people that she was closest to as a child have passed away, or are themselves in AL or LTC homes. She lived most of her adult life out of the state where she now lives. She and my Dad moved back to their hometown when they retired @ 25 years ago. I know that she loves her home and her town (even though there’s a lot of things that she doesn’t like about it) because it’s so familiar to her, so this is not a simple move, physically or emotionally. I’m hoping that once we present it as an option, she will see the benefits. </p>
<p>As for me providing a social life, I am worried about that, but I think that whatever I do will be better than how it is now. I know she is happiest when she is with my family and our extended family on vacations. </p>
<p>Well my mom is very excited to get over to her new place! She knows quite a few people there, most of them staff. She is getting lonelier every day. She did say last night, if I run out of money I’m just moving in with you. I just said don’t worry, I’ll never let that happen - lol Actually once you’re in, you’re in. I’m a little worried she thinks they’re going to be waiting on her hand and foot. It doesn’t actually work like that in the apartments, they’re there as support, not personal assistants.</p>
<p>Walkinghome- perhaps your area has an elder day program your mother could attend. Many communities sponsor these options for socializing, activities, and sometimes connections with community nursing services. It could break up her week, give you peace of mind while at work and introduce her to local peers. Additionally, such programs provide another lens for observing how elders are doing over time. In that context, different challenges may be visible and it could provide a heads up for future planning as well as info about other resources. All elders moving to additional care or a new home are starting over in some sense of the word, regardless of distance. </p>
<p>When elders move into a family home, I think it is helpful to be clear from the beginning that at some point, it could be in their best interest to have access to more care and that if that happens, the care will not replace family support, but be the foundation for making it possible to enjoy the visiting. Emphasizing that you are teaming up with them to achieve the best quality of life and anticipating future needs can help everyone keep an open mind . It is easy to be in over one’s head with providing home care and all arrangements have to work for both parties. </p>
<p>Eyeamom- so happy that your mother is excited. Hopefully, there is a match between her needs and the level of care offered. Great that once you are in, you are in. Is that because the level of care allows for being a Medicaid resident? Is it a non-profit? I ask as this may help others planning for elder care. My father’s multi-level care facility is a non-profit and the AL has a built in medical component that allows for Medicaid billing. They make a lifelong commitment to their residents and it is a lot of peace of mind. </p>
<p>Marilyn- glad everyone is communicating about these elder issues. That is the most important thing. Changes in an elder’s needs are a great starting point for a fresh look at roles each family member may play. </p>
<p>mominva, I did encourage SIL to join us, but she was actually delighted she didn’t have to take the time off of work. We are lucky that brother and I are basically in accord and that finances should not be any issue. We actually think the best solution would be for Mom to stay in her condo with lots of in-home help, but she loves her privacy and hates the idea of having someone around when she doesn’t need them. She would not want to live with either of us.</p>
<p>travelnut, Thank you for your great suggestions. I will look around and see if there is an elder day program around here. In her town there is a senior center and she and my Dad used to attend it fairly often but she stopped going there after some perceived slight. </p>
<p>eyemamom - that sounds just terrific that your Mom is so into the move.</p>
<p>I know several folks whose elder loved ones attend adult day care. In one case, a bus comes and picks the SR up and takes her home. In all cases, there are supervised activities and lunch as well as socialization provided, which is invaluable. As others say, it is also more eyes, plus it allows the family to work without worrying about the SR being home alone and all that entails. </p>
<p>My 96 year old mother is in LTC and has stopped eating. She will drink a little bit of a nutrition shake a couple of times a day. She told me today that she has stopped eating because she wants to die. She also suffers from dementia. Her quality of life is so poor that I can understand her feelings. Does anyone have any experience with this or words of wisdom? She has an advance directive and I will honor her wishes regarding a feeding tube.</p>
<p>My aunt stopped eating and drinking in her 90s, she was ready to go. She went very peacefully, awake & comfortable to the end, I think it was about 3 days in her case.</p>
<p>My loved one was tired of battling cancer. She opted to stop taking nutrition and only had ice chips to moisten her lips and then had some morphine under her tongue to ease breathing. She went peacefully, once she was sure all her financial matters had been resolved as well as she could and had seen most of her loved ones over a long weekend.</p>
<p>Hospice and palliative care folks can help with comfort measures that keep the patient comfortable without prolonging life unnecessarily, if that is what the family and patient prefer. It can be a pleasant and peaceful death.</p>
<p>Knitkneelionmom- best to you and your mother. Opting not to eat at the end of life is common, and some choose not to eat, while others simply fade away, ingesting less and less. In my mother’s case, hard to say if she or her illness decided eating was over; I was glad to be with her through this phase and found it meaningful. I hope the LTC can help with support, relevant information and any comfort measures. Hospice may also be a resource. I respect your intent to honor her wishes, and send peaceful thoughts your way.</p>
<p>FIL died this past year due to not eating or drinking. He never explicitly stated that he wanted to die, but for whatever reason, he stopped eating and we called hospice even though he was in long term care. </p>
<p>Thank you. I know it is time but still so hard. Will the LTC have to make a referral to hospice or is it something that we can do? I have an email in to the director of nursing and will hopefully hear something tomorrow. What are your experiences with hospice. What can we expect from them?</p>
<p>@knitkneelionmom - I wish the best for your mom and you. I don’t have any knowledge of that situation, I do know the loss of a parent. I’m betting there are people at the facility you can lean on, their experience will be invaluable. I’ll be praying for your mom to have a peaceful passing.</p>
<p>My aunt ended up being moved from a nursing home to a hospice for her final days. It was sort of like a hospital, but without all the lights and equipment. The hospice nurses could not have been kinder or more skilled. (ETA: but there are other ways that hospice care is delivered; it might be different where you are.)</p>
<p>I’m sure the LTC director of nursing will guide you through the next step of the process, whatever it turns out to be. </p>
She does have insurance for LTC, but I would like that to be up here if possible. </p>