<p>Lots of embarrassment about peeing in pants. making a mess, fearing loss of independence if they can’t take care of their own toileting. And the hospital is a huge threat to many old people.</p>
<p>Surfcity, I’m so sorry. It’s a really tough situation when something that looks like a no-brainer to us becomes a life-threatening situation for our loved ones. I hope your husband and his siblings can find it in their hearts to forgive her.</p>
<p>So sorry Surfcity, but I also get MIL’s decisions. She may feel that life isn’t worth living taking the diuretics, and it may have delayed the inevitable for only so long. She is making her own decisions about end of life. I hope that gives some comfort to the family. Has anyone talked to her about end of life decisions? When we looked at hospice for MIL, we noted that 3 hospitalizations in the last year with no real hope for recovery qualified her. </p>
<p>I am in the midst of this struggle. I strongly support the senior’s right to live their life their way, even if that hasten’s their death (talking about people in their mid 80s & 90s who have lived a long full rich life), but I struggle when it can affect others. Old man should not be driving, he admits it, but does not have the “willpower” to stop, and yet, has a caregiver most of the week, so no need to drive. I have in my possession the signed DMV forms to mail in if he does not quit this month as promised.</p>
<p>The wife needs full time care, they have a caregiver MOST days, but he still does some care and he drops her & he manhandles her (because he is rough and because he is weak) & she would prefer the caregiver only, but how to we effect that change? He refuses to admit her care is too difficult for him and yet it is, but if we call the elder abuse people, they will see a lovely kind hired caregiver and not see him being harsh and grumpy & yelling at her.</p>
<p>Not feeling happy with the unwillingness by him to make any positive changes in their life, including hiring a caregiver to cover the live in one’s days off!</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. I feel better having vented. She already is in denial about so much, already wetting the bed etc. I get frustrated that she won’t do small things to make her life easier. But we have said all along, it’s her life. My dad is also struggling with a brain injury and my mantra is, “it is what it is.” That’s very freeing sometimes. </p>
<p>We are getting conflicting reports. The attending says she will never leave ICU and her pulm saying she could go to a nursing home with a bipap machine. One day at a time. </p>
<p>By the way I read this thread every day but don’t always post. It can be very draining to read the hardship so many others are going thru. </p>
<p>I have a lot more sympathy when “living your own life” might kill you than when it might kill me. Kudos to everyone in this thread who gets a dangerous driver off the road.</p>
<p>The Trials and Tribulations of Being “That Child”
Every family seems to have one caregiver who has to look out for parents as they age; some also have out-of-state siblings who do not.</p>
<p><a href=“The Trials and Tribulations of Being ‘That Child’ - The New York Times”>http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/02/fashion/the-trials-and-tribulations-of-being-that-child.html</a></p>
<p>Has anyone had good experiences in dealing with incontinence? Especially with someone bedbound? MIL can barely transfer, it’s quite an effort for all involved. I am told she cannot use a bedpan, too painful. Are there other good choices? I am afraid a fall on one of these toilet transfers will cause a game changing fall.</p>
<p>My stepmother wore Depends all the time. I bought huge boxes of them at Costco.</p>
<p>My mom’s Occupational Therapist (I think it was the OT, not the PT) trained her caregivers and trained mom in safe transfer technique. Key was to do it the same way, every time, with discrete steps – never trying to both swing the legs out of bed and stand in the same motion. Stopping and checking for balance. Where and how she should be steadied. Placement of her arms, one at a time, on the commode handles, getting help getting lowered down, not plopping. Even how to put on and take off the Depends. </p>
<p>Medicare paid for that, but if they hadn’t it still would have been worth it. </p>
<p>somemom, I am sorry you are facing this.</p>
<p>My mom was bedbound for ten years. At age 64, she fell and had a catastrophic femur fracture that didn’t heal. Also already had CHF, diabetes, lymphadema and was severely overweight. My dad did the bedpan thing for her the entire time. (She lived in the living room – only place that could fit all her equipment, so toileting meant everyone else had to leave the room for 20-30 minutes. A terribly big production when all the kids and grandkids are there.) She was fully mentally competent the whole way thorough this and she was always a very self-conscious person. This stuff really, really bothered her. </p>
<p>Towards the end, as my dad has gotten older and less strong, my sister would come over to help in the evenings with cleaning her, changing linens, etc. She was supposed to be on Lasix daily for CHF and pulmonary stuff, too, but they often skipped days because a Lasix day meant she was toileting every hour. They had her on a catheter the last month or so. I am sure the on- and off-Lasix sped up the end game, but Mom and Dad discussed her care on an ongoing basis and we were not going to interfere. My parents always hated discussing death, end-of-life issues and money, so I was pleasantly surprised that when things started going south, they had clearly discussed well in advance what each of them wanted to have happen and then implemented it. </p>
<p>Dad was a surgical nurse and tended to be rather clinical about the whole toileting/meds/wound care thing, which we all found tough. We wanted him to get two aides to handle Mom’s needs so he could be a husband instead of a nurse. However, they refused to bring in nursing care – they had someone come in for two days while my dad had a knee replacement and it was during that time that my mom got the non-MRSA bug that ultimately killed her two years later. I think that after ten years of this, my mom had had enough. </p>
<p>If an elder decides he/she isn’t going to take certain meds or treatments to prolong life, I have a hard time saying it’s the wrong thing to do, even though it is hell to watch.</p>
<p>So now you know why I lost a ton of weight. And why, after my own medical issues, DH is so terrified of me becoming bedridden or “less than.”</p>
<p>MIL has worn depends for years, but sometimes still has accidents wetting clothes, wheelchair, bed pad, etc. She has had to be transferred with help for many many years, but 5 years ago a bad leg break on her bad side made the whole process frought with all new risks and issues. Each time we visit, she seems more fragile (but nearly 200# and eats like a horse (which they feed her! 3 item combo at the Mexican restaurant, really?)) in terms of movability. It seems like it would be better for her to avoid more transfers than necessary, but I am not sure which is more risky, the transferring or something like a catheter & potential infections.</p>
<p>surfcity, sorry this is happening. Wish we all had magic wands to fix things… or a clue bat. </p>
<p>somemom, I don’t post every day either, but I always read it and thank goodness my lot is so much easier (so far) than many of yours. </p>
<p>My grandma had a catheter for YEARS. Mom took care of it and her for YEARS. Grandma got to stay in her own home. Now I don’t know how on earth she did it. So I don’t have help for incontinence .</p>
<p>My aunt (with the husband who has advanced dementia) had to spend a month in rehab to learn how to walk safely after back pains, spasms and dizziness. She just had chest pains and had to go to the hospital Sunday, out Monday. My cousin deals with everything in their house, including her great-grandson who is 7. Her sister moved to town so she could “help”, yeah, she comes over maybe every two weeks, won’t do any babysitting of the (honestly, !) brat OR her father who can’t be left alone. But “helps” herself to any food that people bring over. What is the MATTTER with some people?</p>
<p>Yes, I guess a lot of this is about control. DH and I wanted to “control” MIL for what we see as “her own good,” and what would be less traumatic for her and all of us (I’d rather prevent a hospital stay myself, but . . .). And MIL wants to control her own destiny or at least some of the minor details of it. </p>
<p>We have to remember that she is not our kid, whom we could control for many years. It’s definitely frustrating but I guess I should not judge until I get to that age or condition.</p>
<p>Hugs to those dealing with difficult seniors. Yes, a lot of this is about losing control, about life just getting to be too difficult, too messy, too painful. 40-50 years ago doctors couldn’t do anything for many of these conditions. People just got sicker and died. At home. I can’t say we are all better off now.</p>
<p>I so don’t want to be a burden on either of my sons. And not having daughters to handle the, er, lady stuff is awkward. I had to handle that with my dad at the end. No fun. </p>
<p>Jym626- I get the awkward. Though Mom was in AL with lots of help, I did wind up on the “front line” of care often and it was okay. Have avoided that like crazy with my father and call NH staff to help him. Just too uncomfortable for me; he has dementia and may/may not retain his sensitivity to the issue. My MIL has only sons and I have helped her over the years. That has been ok up to the point where she needed pros to navigate her frailty. </p>
<p>In any case, the not being a burden resonates . Even blessed with superlative care for the last 10 years, I still have to do bills, banking, insurance and medical visits for my father . Not so overwhelming that I wanted to farm it out, particularly at my own expense. We hope to spare our kids all but the chance to visit and make health care decisions if needed, but who knows exactly how it will play out. </p>
<p>I agree Momannoyed, I don’t think just prolonging life is the answer.</p>
<p>Well, the journey continues. On Sunday, a frantic call from a sibbling stated that an elderly loved one was dizzy and got another sib to go and intercept the elderly one from the golf course where she was showing signs of nausea. The sib and her H took the SR home, got her to drink fluids, noted an irregular and weak pulse and took her to the ER. They did some testing. Blood work was all normal but the EKG showed inverted t-wave. They reached her internist who said that was what her EKG looked like 6 months ago and recommended she be discharged instead of overnight observation. They all went out to eat and she at all of a HUGE sandwich and they took her back home. Today, the internist said he doesn’t have any openings until Wednesday, so I’m taking her then.</p>
<p>My sibs have been calling ME today, telling me that her phone is busy–am I at her house, why is the phone busy. I tell them, NO, am NOT at her home and it’s not uncommon for the phone to be off the hook. H is irked that they are all acting like I’m supposed to go in and take charge when I have a lot of other things to do and likely she has already forgotten the entire incident and is likely out with her friends. These sibs can just as easily get themselves over there to check things out but rather just call me. </p>
<p>To top it all off, one sib called and said, “You know, they shouldn’t be living alone any more.” I agreed but said, and your solution is? They are adults and NOT interested in living with any of us or having any of us live with them. They are on the waiting list for a senior retirement community. She was annoyed and got busy and hung up. I said the SR was likely very hungry and dehydrated, plus she is prone to migranes, where she does have nausea. I’m quite sure the internist will say the same thing when we see him on Wednesday. She and her MD H were very annoyed and said it’s likely MUCH more than mere dehydration. Her sibs all died of heart problems, but they were in their 80s or older as well. She’s currently in her mid-80s. I doubt she’d go along with any invasive treatments and she hates and refuses to take ANY medications. </p>
<p>Tough stuff, HImom. You’re right, they are adults. </p>
<p>Your sister and her husband sound like they’re having a lot of trouble accepting that. </p>
<p>Hate that they act like martyrs for doing their little bit and act like we are all supposed to be so grateful. H and I probably spend more time with them than the rest put together but don’t harp about it. </p>
<p>Tiring having everyone waiting for SOMEONE ELSE to step up. Sad to me. </p>