<p>Surfcity - having helped a friend through in home hospice, agree that having care built in will be a huge advantage, I waited with my friend whose condition had deteriorated abruptly for 2 1/2 hours before the nurse assigned could get there. Every situation is different, but I think it may be a possibility for all, given the nature of hospice. I had to break open the as yet unused pain kit, administering his first dose of morphine. Better to avoid the ambiguity/administrative tasks and focus on being together as a family. </p>
<p>I am touched by your mother’s forthrightness and spirit. My now deceased mother was direct about such matters and it was the greatest gift anyone ever gave me. </p>
<p>Surfcity, you’re doing a great job! Hang in there! </p>
<p>Well, the expected has happened. Sis went to the doc and has made numerous follow up appointments. She then changed the appointments at the request of brother to a time that “surprise” neither she nor he can make and they are looking at me to volunteer. Since mom and Sis already told me Sis would handle it, I’m going to let Sis handle it, as we already have our hands full with planning dad’s party, that NO ONE in the family has offered to lift a hand to help with, involving about 300 guests and RSVPs that will undoubtable require multiple phone calls to straighten out.</p>
<p>Dad expected his secretary to handle RSVPs, but she’s been going nuts with moving their office with over 20 years of “stuff.” She has declined to pile more on her plate. I have no great confidence in what dad has been doing in terms of keeping track of the RSVPs, tho we gave him the printout and he SAYS he’s keeping track of everything. I expect we’ll be making TONS of phone calls to confirm whether folks are or are NOT coming.</p>
<p>surfcity, the teleconference was a brilliant idea. Hearing it directly from healthcare professionals can make all the difference. And I think far-away siblings sometimes have a harder time accepting the inevitable, or at least it take them longer to get there. They’re not in the trenches, and don’t understand why things can’t be fixed. I’m glad that source of conflict has smoothed.</p>
<p>What a sweetheart your mom is! And yes, I did smile about dressing up the trays. :)</p>
<p>Wow, just wow. Just off the phone with FIL, he is 95, the family agrees he should not be driving, he agrees each time he has an issue, then forgets that and is all ready to drive again.</p>
<p>He just came back from a neurologist appointment and the doc gave him a full release and approval to drive. Really? Really Doc? Small strokes, weak on the left side, bad back, bad neck, shaky on his feet, lacks executive function. And now he is studying the manual to take the driving test. He is ready to drive until he is 100.</p>
<p>If the family agrees he shouldn’t be driving, why is he still being permitted to drive? Sounds like it’s time to have “the talk” wherein the keys are physically taken away. Painful, awkward, upsetting – and very, very necessary. You don’t want to get that call from the police informing you that he’s killed a family in a minivan. Get him off the road before he does that. </p>
<p>Does your DMV have a way to report unsafe senior drivers, perhaps anonymously?</p>
<p>A 92 yo man drove his van into a local store this afternoon. I happened to be in the shopping center shortly after the accident; the van had been towed away and all the media trucks were setting up shop. </p>
<p>From the news report:
"A 92-year-old man trying to park his minivan in Montgomery County plowed 50 feet into a clothing store Thursday afternoon, sending one person to the hospital with serious injuries, police and fire officials said.</p>
<p>The victim is expected to survive, officials said. Another person inside the store was taken to a hospital with minor injuries, officials said. Several other people were nearly hit, including an infant, a fire department spokesman said."</p>
<p>We see simile incidents all the time in our state. Our legislator skews VERY old so bills requiring SRs to retake road tests are not seriously considered by the legislators who don’t want to have it imposed on them or their aging parents. On day at a local market, in 30 minutes, we saw about 3 or 4 collisions in the parking lot–mostly SRs. </p>
<p>Unfortunately some states are very intimidating to physicians to restrict drivers license from patients. OTOH Some require you to report issues. I strongly advise about once a week to older patients/families not to drive. When I told my then 90 years old mother (widow) that she could not drive anymore I got threatened with disowning me and disinheriting me. I did not back down. The doctor did not back down but my brother waffled. It was very clear she was not able to have good judgment. We fought this for 2 years, she stopped talking about it finally. We took away the keys and told her ‘no, it is not safe’. All I could think about was the little girl that lived across the street and would wave and say ‘hi’. I could not live with myself knowing that little girl would be at risk when she backed out of the driveway.</p>
<p>So much ambiguity about how to proceed with elder care that the driving issue is a point of clarity sometimes. Despite how much operating a car can dictate elder’s options, life and death is just that. </p>
<p>rockymtn, that’s what tipped it for me, or a version of that. There came a time when I told my then-adolescent D, “Never get into a car which Granddad is driving.” Then it occurred to me, “How in good conscience can I take steps to protect my own child, but continue to allow him to endanger other peoples’ children?” I couldn’t. It did take a few months to get the brothers on board, though.</p>
<p>The law isn’t always a help to us, and doctors aren’t always, either. Sometimes the family just has to suck it up and do it, as difficult as it is. </p>
<p>I’ll tell my story again. In February an 86 year old woman driving a brand new Mercedes hit my father in a parking lot. Actually hit two cars so hard they hit my father, who fell and sustained a major brain injury. A vital independent man is now unable to care for himself and needs supervision 24/7 even though he appears okay, he cannot be trusted to treat his type 1 diabetes. He has mobility issues and uses a walker or wheelchair.</p>
<p>The old lady driver had to be physically stopped from continuing to plow into parked cars and could not understand why she needed to remain on the scene for police and an ambulance. </p>
<p>The kicker is, according to state law, because the accident occurred on private property (shopping center parking lot) she cannot be cited for anything, She gets off scot-free! I did report her to the state DMV through their procedure, hoping they investigate and ask for a doctor evaluation.</p>
<p>Please don’t let your seniors drive if they should not. My dad had his license revoked and cannot understand why he is no longer allowed to drive (!) but the lady who hit him is. I keep telling him that when the doctor says he is ready we will go practice driving, but I know that will never happen. </p>
<p>Oh Surfcity, how sad! I am sorry for what happened.<br>
My dad had Parkinson’s. He was very reluctant to stop driving. I was the evil one that took away the keys. First, I convinced my mom never to be his passenger but I was also fearful he might cause harm to others. After a small fender bender, I insisted that Mom not fix/bring home the car and that was that. He was very angry with me, but so be it. The worst part of the story, he would say “everyone in my Parkinson’s support group that is worse than I am still drives!” One time, I was parking at the supermarket and a lady was slumped over her wheel in the next car. I tapped on her window to see how I could help. She groggily said “I’m just waiting for my Parkinson’s meds to kick in!” WOW. This lady had either just been driving or was about to. Literally slumped over the wheel. I am sympathetic to those who want to stay independent and - trust me - I get how hard it is to take the keys away. However, I implore you, please very thoughtfully consider the risks to your parents and others regarding senior driving! </p>
<p>Oh that is terrible, surfcity. Even if she was not ticketed, you hopefully file with her insu company for damages and medicals. And filed a lawsuit. Even though she wasnt ticketed, there is no disputing that she is responsible, yes?</p>
<p>surfcity- that story is haunting. So sorry for your father’s suffering. I got my father off the road with the earliest onset of his dementia. In addition to the obvious potential for harming others, elders often omit considering the profound impact being responsible for such an accident would have on their psyche and life. Devastating all around, including to family members who may have been aware of the dilemma, but not able to prevent the driving. Perhaps by sharing the story, you are playing a role in getting others who shouldn’t drive off the road. </p>
<p>@jym626, the police report shows the other driver is 100% responsible. I had started a separate thread on this but basically, my parents can only collect up to what she insured herself at. In my state the minimum is $15k but she actually bought $250k. There is no reason to sue because she does not have assets worth more than that. </p>
<p>My parents have Underinsured Motorist coverage, so we are having to apply to collect through that. I urge everyone to make sure you have Uninsured and Underinsured Motorist coverage. '</p>
<p>I naively thought in situations like this that if the injured party could sue and demonstrate monetary losses and “pain and suffering” then the at-fault party’s insurance would pay out a lump sum. Wrong! They can only pay out up to the coverage purchased.</p>
<p>No amount of money can compensate for the diminished life for my dad, but my parents are now paying for all medical co-pays, home aides, respite care, modifications to the home, etc. They are worried they will not have enough money if/when they need to go to AL or skilled care. </p>
<p>Somemom, will he have to take a road test or just a written test? How is it that he has to reapply for his license? In NY if it just expired, I think he’d just have to take the written test again. Ugh.</p>
<p>In AL, if someone is injured on parking lot/private property, police will write up. However I have been disappointed to read some cases where people have not been held accountable for what they have done behind the wheel.</p>
<p>One has to use the legal process as they can, and then let the rest go. Even if person doesn’t have resources beyond insurance amount - check with legal on getting the max for your father out of the situation - insurance has to pony up with legal settlement and their coverage. Also could get women off the streets if she is still driving - she may be willing to forfeit license under pressure. My mom in WI did - DA put pressure with threatening criminal charges.</p>
<p>When another was at fault for a car accident in TX (my car was t-boned when someone ran a red light going at a high speed) where we both had the same insurance, I had to get a very good lawyer to get personal injury settlement out of insurance. Insurance also was in collusion with a car dealership to repair my car with used parts (car was almost new) which I later found out was bad (it causes water to go into rear passenger flooring which we didn’t discover until too late - so we had to get rid of the car sooner than we would have). Changed insurance and never will go back to it EVER!</p>
<p>Families, the public, and state DMV have to keep our roads safer.</p>