<p>Apparently these doctors don’t have loved ones on the road. I just don’t get it…</p>
<p>I know it, Mahjfan.</p>
<p>Other ideas: Contact police where the elder lives, to alert them to the problem and to see if they have any inside tips. And/or contact the DMV. Even if it’s not a state where there are routine restrictions on senior drivers, they may have a process for reporting unsafe drivers of any age.</p>
<p>Reporting to the DMV was what it took to get my Mom’s license pulled. She was required to retest and she couldn’t pass it.<br>
Didn’t stop her from driving, however. “only a little way” Only when she wanted to! It was the crowning moment that showed me that she was incapable of making good enough choices to live alone. </p>
<p>Back in the old days, people would pull the distributor cap. Now, families sometimes tell their family member the car is in the shop… where it stays… permanently.</p>
<p>My BIL offered to get my FIL a motorized scooter chair because all FIL really wanted was to get to the JCC and the grocery store, both of which were three blocks away and were too far for him to walk. He gave up the keys and BIL sold the car. We were ALL thankful it was that easy. </p>
<p>My dad decided on his own not to drive at night, and after his trip to Chicago and Milwaukee this summer, I don’t think he’ll be taking any more road trips. He did let my niece drive his truck through Atlanta this summer en route to my nephew’s wedding in KY. He’s a stubborn cuss, though, and tells us he is going to die in his house – no nursing home, home aides or AL for him.</p>
<p>As a physician I have had my life threatened for 2 main reasons:</p>
<p>1.‘you should not have guns in the house’ in cases where they have dementia and would wake up paranoid in the middle of the night - think confusion- they may kill their wife seen as a stranger, or just plain dementia. that is the equivalent of taking away their manhood. I equate driving with this equivalent, too.</p>
<p>2.‘you should not be driving’ in cases where there is clear cognitive impairment and poor executive functioning. strangely the families and wives want me to be the bad guy but even when I am they still don’t do it. yes the husbands will steal the keys from the wife’s purse and drive. my goal has been to explain my reasoning to the family/wife because without their help nothing happens. eventually I do get through.</p>
<p>Wow. I better understand why doctors don’t want to do it.</p>
<p>As a family nurse practitioner, I have the exact same experience as rockymtnhigh. In addition, have to deal with the subsequent feelings of paranoia from the patient. From then on, the patient doesn’t trust me and attaches all sorts of evil intent to any of my actions. </p>
<p>But demented paranoid people <em>should not be driving</em>, and we don’t want them to be saying or thinking their doctor says it’s OK. </p>
<p>Having also been the heavy, the patients are, needless to say, not always happy campers. I am not sure if the families follow through with the recommendations or not. I always tell them safety comes first. </p>
<p>I cut up the driver’s license in the room to drive home the point. But this is way easier that confronting my own father. </p>
<p>I think if a family is asking a medical professional to be the heavy it is because they hope the “should not be a driver” will accept the authority of the professional whereas they discount the family, but I am sure you see every possible situation. No easy answers!</p>
<p>My father had macular degeneration in one eye and was blind in the other and his eye doctor said he could still drive - but just on local roads! He finally stopped driving for awhile when I think his heart specialist recommended it, but it drove my Mom crazy when he wanted her to drive him somewhere and she just didn’t feel like moving, so after the doctors said it was okay, he started driving a little again. He died so we didn’t have to have THE conversation, but it was definitely coming. It’s really hard when they live in small towns/rural areas where you can’t get to places without a car. I’ve started ordering things for my Mom on-line but she still likes to get out. Her problem is that she has no stamina so she might get in a store but needs to sit down halfway through. :-(</p>
<p>So true, somemom, and no solution works for everyone. When I recount how we did it, I have to note that the way was not at all clear to us, and there were several false starts, and we approached the situation with terror in our hearts. Our chosen approach worked for us, fortunately, and if it hadn’t, we would have looked for an even less desirable Plan B. Different approaches work with different families, and your unsupervised FIL is a difficult problem for sure. </p>
<p>But I think it’s almost always very hard and very unpleasant, and our first challenge was to reconcile ourselves to that fact. At first we saw our problem as: “How can we do this so that Dad isn’t angry or unhappy or hurt?” Well, the hard fact is, he WAS going to be angry and upset and hurt, and we were going to have to face that. It became a little easier after we cleared that hurdle, or at least it became clearer, because we stopped looking for a solution which he’d like. </p>
<p>Another thing that makes taking away the keys so hard is that it’s often the first step in parenting your parents. No one wants to start down that road, and I think it’s human nature to want to put it off.</p>
<p>Several of the patients in our support group like having a walker that has a seat and storage compartment under it, so they can rest whenever and wherever they are. They stash whatever they like there–iPad, wallet, water bottle, whatever. It has the benefit of making them walk more securely without as much fear of falling, plus a convenient seat at all times. Just a thought about what make it easier to take your mom out.</p>
<p>Himom, My Mom has the walker with seat (used to be my Dad’s) but she’s told me it’s too heavy for her to pick up out of the car.</p>
<p>They have lighter weight heavy gauge aluminum devices that are easier to heft. Some of the patients we know are happier with those than the heavier steel ones. There’s not much point having something that is too heavy for you to manage easily. That was a problem with my uncle as well. My mom wanted to take him out but only when I was available to carry the wheelchair in and out of the trunk or vehicle, as it was too heavy for her to maneuver. Fortunately, there are quite a few markets and some malls that provide complimentary wheelchairs for use on their premises, which can be handy for folks with limited stamina on outings.</p>
<p>GT that is interesting. I am fairly sure if I cut up anything I would be reprimanded or fired . I am in a federal facility.
Because I have gone through the talk so many times I found it fairly easy to do with my mother, having never had to do this with my father I am thinking it would have been harder.</p>
<p>The family has to handle the driving situation when the driver becomes unsafe behind the wheel. Providing a decent transportation alternative. Elderly (and some others) are very resistant to change and also want to hang on to independence. If you try to maintain their dignity in the process, that would help.</p>
<p>Perhaps long time insurance agent can help in the discussion. Minister, other friends. Think about those that also want your senior off the road who are at risk with your mom/dad/fil/mil behind the wheel.</p>
<p>Once my mother got use to the taxi service (and they gave her VIP service; she was a good tipper) things settled down. She also had some rides by friends and brother. Brother enabled mother by buying a vehicle after her license was forfeited, because she was determined to get her license back. She needed to be off the road, and plenty wrote in to the state DMV. After they reviewed her case (in WI) they sent her a letter, which her attorney said was the last word. Mom never gave me grief (I signed my name to DMV letter, which brother did show to mother; however in WI you can have a separate notarized document and put in DMV letter anonymously). I arranged OOS trips/vacations for mom and I have the youngest grandchildren, so I guess she didn’t want to fuss at me over the phone (I also am OOS). Our Deacon (retired FBI) who knew my mother well (he was the sponsor for an Ireland trip mom was on) submitted a DMV letter (and gave me a copy). </p>
<p>We’re lucky enough to live in an area with great door-to-door car/van/minibus service for those who can’t drive. It is supported by tax money and some federal transit funds, I believe. They charge riders who can afford it a couple of dollars. I believe it is a necessary factor for aging in place given that we don’t have family really near by. Too many people live in areas where this is not an option, and in neighborhoods that aren’t especially walkable. There is a lot noted about “food deserts” in poor areas – truth is that many elderly people (and not-so-elderly people) live in transportation deserts where if you don’t have the ability to drive, you become a shut-in.</p>
<p>We only had to have a couple of conversations with MIL before she stopped driving, but by then she had a daytime aide and we made sure that person was a licensed driver. </p>