<p>In our west coast area, you can hire senior help through an agency for $19/hour. We have tried to get our folks to hire them for the 2 hour minimum but encountered resistance because they insisted they only needed help for 45 minutes. 
I got a bit of agreement when I talked to them about using the helpers in other ways during the 2 hours, making beds, emptying dishwasher, etc. Perhaps a night time helper could do laundry or something else to help out. If they were resting and only helping out for bathroom runs perhaps the cost would be less.</p>
<p>They have gradually acquiesced to the need for a day time helper and are now up to 8-9 hours a day, too bad she cannot live in, that would be perfect.</p>
<p>A live in would be the safest solution, and put a baby monitor in the room. The next best solution is an indwelling catheter. She propably would not awaken to use the commode once she got used to it. The VNA nurse could insert it and periodically change and check for urine infections. Another option would be the magnet alarm, attach to her gown and place under her pillow, if she sits up and breaks the connection, it would awaken the husband and he could assist her to the commode.</p>
<p>Sounds like a broken hip waiting to happen. Thatâs how my Mum broke hers, getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. We could see it coming and were so worried, but she was also pretty independent. I so wish she had been willing to go into some sort of assisted living situation before she broke her hip. She was never able to return home and now is in a care home. She has very little mobility and her overall health has deteriorated enormously since she broke her hip.</p>
<p>Have they seen any senior living options with more care available? Lots of folks only know the way nursing homes were 40 years ago when their elders needed it. Things have changed for the better. </p>
<p>Is it cost prohibitive for them to have night time care on top of day time? The commode can work for some, but if that isnât doing it and the care that is coming in is not medically trained for other options, then it sounds like it is time for a change. If they hire night care in the interim, they would be much safer and likely to not face a very serious setback. Elders who fall frequently are going to have a spectacular one at some point. As others have said, this is to be avoided if possible. </p>
<p>I feel so badly for what they are facing, somemom. The wish for dignity and their own home is understandable. Their quality of life and ability to have good rest and some âfunâ could go up in a more social, supportive setting. Once these worries are removed, I have seen elders feel huge relief and gain a ânew lease on lifeâ. I wish this for them.</p>
<p>It is so true about each new disaster pushing them into new choices. We have warned him for years that he needed more help, but he is stubborn. He dropped her a few years ago (she simply cannot remember how to properly get up and cannot respond quickly to instructions, especially if they are relayed with a sense of urgency) and she badly broker her ankle, almost needed an amputation. She has never been the same since then.</p>
<p>I will mention the broken hip thought to remind him that it really could be worse, much worse.</p>
<p>The issue with expenses is that they love their caregiver, but do not believe she would be willing to live in. I do not think they would agree to hire a new person and it would be ridiculous to pay a new person for overnights given they are paying for 8-9 hours daily and a normal live in wage is 10 x hourly plus room and board.</p>
<p>These are some great ideas, I will pass them on. Yaâll are helping me organize my thoughts.</p>
<p>Somemom- it also occurs to me that there is another huge safety concern here. They would be very vulnerable in case of a fire or other emergency at night. The inability to navigate the night safely and retain instructions is a big red flag as you know. </p>
<p>It might be time for the "life doesnât have to be so hard " discussion. Also, in these situations, I am very mindful of the guilt and remorse the most able spouse would feel if a bad accident were to happen on their watch. It is heart-breaking to feel responsible when you are in over your head. Hopefully, they can bypass the need to experience this before considering alternatives. No care facility will guarantee no falls, but the risk to both will be significantly reduced. They are lucky to have your support.</p>
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<p>I also live on the west coast, in Walnut Creek CA, and the hourly rates for assisted living ranges from approximately $20 to $30 per hour for a ânormalâ shift. We found an agency that charges $10 per hour/$240 per day, for a 24-hour shift in the home. This is NOT a nurse but a trained caretaker from a licensed company.</p>
<p>We are going to opt for a senior living facility that puts my mom in a 1BR-1BA apt. with level- 1 assisted living care, for about $4,600 per month. It is less than a mile from our home.</p>
<p>jshain- Such a relief to have your plan in place and how remarkable that she can be less than one mile away. Best with the transition.</p>
<p>Cost for a 24hr live in CNA in SW CT cost about $1,000 per wk., including agency fees. There are several assisted living facilities similar to what jshain described that cost close to the same dollar amount. They will add on to the price as need increases, such as pouring medications, daily baths, etc. Somemom, I hope that your friends find a safe compromise.</p>
<p>Have been following along reading about everyoneâs stories. And I have one piece of advice. Trust your instincts. I had a lengthy conversation two days ago with a social worker at the rehab facility where my father has been staying. All along I could not understand why we were talking about the things we were discussing. I knew things were not right, and I was correct. My father passed away yesterday. I went to see him in the early part of the day and he just seemed different. It seemed to be taking all of his energy just to breathe. They called me to come back about two hours after I had left so I was able to be with him at the end. Now I wish I had not let them make him do physical therapy and I wish he could have been at home. I will never doubt my gut again.</p>
<p>Anxiousmommy - I am so sorry. Please donât second guess yourself - you were there as his daughter and even though your instincts were right, you deferred because you listened to those who had more expertise in this field (but not in your dad). </p>
<p>You were there in the early part of the day and when he passed away - what more could any of us want? Think of that. On his last day he knew how much you cared. Once again, I just want to say that I am so sorry.</p>
<p>Sorry for your loss, anxiousmommy. Glad you were able to be with you father. Take good care of yourself; you did much for him.</p>
<p>Trust your gut is a good mantra. There is ambiguity within this process though, so I hope you arenât hard on yourself. Best to you.</p>
<p>So sorry Anxiousmommy. I looked back at your prior posts and see that you said, âI really think in many ways he is done. He is âwearyâ as he puts it.â </p>
<p>So.</p>
<p>He is out of a worn out body now and on to his next adventure. I wish you peace. You were there for him so pat yourself on the back. Time now for deep breaths and allowing yourself time to grieve and heal. You did it all correctly; no second guessing please. Love to you!</p>
<p>anxiousmommy, cyber-hugs to you as well!!!</p>
<p>My condolences, anxiousmommy. Iâll echo the posters who say not to doubt yourself. He knew that you loved him, and in the end, thatâs the only thing that matters to a parent. If you had asked him, heâd never have said he expected you to understand more about his condition than his doctors. He CERTAINLY wouldnât want you to be kicking yourself now. Wouldnât he say he hoped for a loving, faithful daughter? And isnât that exactly what you were? Yes, you were.</p>
<p>Anxiousmom - as you may remember, I recently went through this with my dad. Lots of ups and downs, but when the time came, his death was sudden and unexpected. Like you, I was blessed to have been with him as he left this life. </p>
<p>I have my own doubts, but something that helped was that I stumbled on an email I sent my daughter in September of 2011 when he was in the hospital for the twentieth time in three years. I said many things - but what was important for me is that I talked about how unhappy he had been in the past year. Re-reading that email reminded me of just how tough the last two years have been. </p>
<p>I think your dad had a rough time, too. I am just so relieved that you were with him. My greatest fear these past few years that as often as I was by his side, that I wouldnât be there on his last day. You and I were blessed.</p>
<p>Sorry, Anxiousmom, for your loss, but so glad you were with him that final day.</p>
<p>Anxiousmommy, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Iâm so sorry about your dad. You were the best advocate and best daughter for him. You were with him when he needed you the most. We all second guess ourselves, please donât do this, know that you made the best decisions at the time. Your dad is not suffering or weary any more.</p>
<p>I have been reading your posts sounds like so many thoughtful loving children all struggling to do the right thing.
I have added this to my favorites. I am dealing with my 83 year old MIL with memory/ dementia/ alzheimers issues. Im unsure as i dont go to her doctors appointments. It is clear he needs more intervention. My Sil her only daughter loses patience with her all the time. She has a bit of a mean streak and says things she shouldnt. I have decided that information is power. So am educating myself, I have read a book called 'speaking Alzheimers " which I have found helpful. Just to understand howan alzheimers patinet feels. It also gives strategies for dealing with the varied issues.
I am understanding thathappiness in the moment is important, that they may not remember the activivty but they will remember the feeling. That beingin he moment is key. That giving ways to maintain self esteem, based on capabilities and not setting up for failure. I am going to try toenlist the family, give peopel tasks because they cant be counted on to think for themselves. am hoping if my SIL feels more supported she will be less nasty.
My mom is doing well she is 75 but has knee problems., she has issues with depression, and needs help cleaning out her house. am afraid she is a pack rat/hoarder, which was never the way she was. So we are foing to fly to her state to help her. I agree getting older isnt for sissies.</p>