Well mom is in the er waiting to be admitted…she has the flu and pneumonia. She’s so fragile already - if you’re so inclined prayers for her comfort would be appreciated.
Thoughts for her comfort heading your way, eyemamom.
I hope you wise people will give me some insight as I try to navigate my mother’s situation. She is 94, living in sunny California in an independent living facility, however they can provide as much care as needed, for a price of course. My 74 year old sister,a bit frail, has been overseeing her care. Which means taking her to doctor appointments, of which there are many, paying bills and figuring out insurance. She has had enough, is tired and wants to send mom to me. I live in illinios where the weather and lack of sun is intolerable to my mom and mom is dead set against going. She loves where she is, sister says it’s absolutely my turn to deal with her. I don’t mind moving my mom close to us but hate to make her move against her will. She has roughly $150,000 to go through before all her money is used up. I’m visiting in a few weeks. Any advice? I can’t believe that there are no services to take her to drs. I don’t blame sister needing a break, but at the expense of mom’s happiness and well being?
Eyeamom, thoughts and pryers for your mom are coming from here - it’s such a roller coaster life we all are living t the stage of the game.
Eyeamom- all good thoughts to your mother and your family. Sorry for how tough this all is.
To make matters worse they are now saying her chf is quite bad in her left lung. The hospital is so crowded they can’t even get her in a room. She fought me so much Tuesday night when I wanted to call 911 to bring her in and I didn’t fight hard enough for her.
eyemamom, sending your mom strength and quick healing, and hugs for you.
Runnersmom, I don’t know if this is relevant in your case, but when my dad died, mom did get my dad’s SS – minus her pension. So her total income equals his SS.
Mom’s pension is federal, so I don’t know if this is done with private pensions.
Lassie3, tough situation. Could you go out to visit your mom for a period of time to give some respite to your sister and find some workable options to keep your mom where she is?
Maybe your mom’s mail can come to your house and you can take over bill paying. Maybe there are some good options to hire people for doctors visits.
hugs
eyemamom - thoughts and prayers coming your way. I hope she gets to enjoy her new place.
Runnersmom - My research is the same as other’s. My mom would get what’s equal to my dad’s ss. Do they mean $9 more that she already gets for her ss? My mom did not work, so the situation is not the same as yours.
Lassie3- that’s a tough situation. I do understand your sister not having the energy to deal with it. Can you leave your mom there, take over the bills and insurance hassles? Perhaps you can pay someone to take your mom to appointments. My parent’s place has a case management service, $65/week in which they will take the client to the medical appointments and deal with all the communications. There is also medication management for another $65/week. Is your mom still aware of her surroundings in that the weather would bother her?
Please know my thoughts are with everyone during these transitional times, whatever they may be. Yes my mom is very aware of her surroundings, she will sit outside in the sun year round, can’t believe everyone isn’t out there with her. She has said many times she can’t believe she has such a wonderful old age. Loves her surroundings there. This is a woman who was managing her own fourplex with tenants till the age of ninety! My sister seems to discount that there is outside help available, but obviously not all the residents have family members available to take care of all their needs. Sister has spoiled mom a bit, doing her laundry even though it’s done for free there, unwilling to leave town for a weekend in case mom has a panic attack, ect. So it weighs psychologically on her as well. When I’m there I need to meet with the people at the facility to see what options are available, but don’t think sister will like the option of keeping her there even with more help. Change is hard enough at 94, but when you are moving someone who doesn’t want to it’s even harder. Ironically, my sister will visit me only in the summer because she can’t stand the weather here!
Sending prayers and healing thoughts eyemamom. For you and your mom.
And Lassie, hope you find the help you need to keep your mom where she wants to be.
Lassie- my mother is in an assisted living in PA and I live in CO, my brother in CT 9 hours away. Because she went straight from the hospital and because there are friends and family her age there, we chose to leave her there with I and my brother visiting every few months and calling on the phone weekly.
I manage her medication refills online, talk with the internist office and am in contact by email with the social worker that is the director of the AL.
When she needs a ride to the podiatrist, dentist, etc they arrange for the senior transport from the county. They send a note with her meds, etc. I did run into a problem that included she was ‘afraid’ to go alone and they wanted to call my very elderly aunts to help her. I told them and the aunts 'No ’ and that that was asking too much for visitors. I offered to pay for an ambulet ($35 each way) kind of like a medical taxi each way if needed. But, what they did was have her transported in a wheelchair (she can walk just fine at 92) and she was accompanied into the door and back again. They have done this rodeo before!
She pays laundry $7 a week and they do a great job even hanging them up in her room. She pays for a beauty shop appointment to wash her hair weekly and cut/perm- not costly and well worth the special treatment and compliments.
I thought of moving her here here but I would be her only source of entertainment and that is just not fair to her. I am even afraid they may change her room- as she is very attached to the place there and has been there for 6 months. She actually feels safe and comfortable and it is just the right socialization for her. Luckily my aunts, uncle, and brother are all on the same page.
Have you thought about just taking over everything and giving your sister a rest? The mail, the transportation arrangements via working with the director at the IL place. In other words, you take over the care giving and let your sister out of it for now. Let her visit and be a daughter, not the main organizer.
This is how I approach it - I call the AL and ask how other people do it- they always have an answer and choices as I have found I am never unique in my situation. This is comforting to me.
eyemamom, please don’t beat yourself up. Hindsight is always 20/20. You have been a kind and conscientious daughter. You are a gift to your mother. I will keep your mother in my prayers and may you continue to find support and guidance as you continue on this winding road.
Eyemamom, please don’t think you didn’t fight hard enough. You’ve been trying to do right by her for some time now. You raised the issue yesterday, you sounded alarms. Best wishes for her- and you.
Eyemamom, you deserve praise for how hard you’ve been working for your mom. I hope you can find time to sit down for a minute with a cup of tea, or something, to relax and calm down. It’s so scary and stressful. Please don’t beat yourself up.
Eyemamom, whatever happens, it was a great gift for your mom to see her new home, all ready for her. Just remember that. You gave her Christmas, one more time!
Eyemamom, it’s ok. We do the best we can.
My mom was fine on the Saturday after Christmas. By Monday evening, she sounded like death. One sister took her to the dr on Tuesday morning. The dr took one look and said get thee to the ER, Now! We spent the whole day in the ER before they admitted her. By the time they had a room, the ER had run out of space and sick people were on gurneys lining the halls.
The hospital was overpopulated with flu patients. They hadn’t staffed the week between Christmas and New Years, so it was a painful week for everyone. Mom was in for 10 days. We were all worn out, staying at the hospital (in isolation garb) to make sure things were handled properly.
We just muddle through it. I hope she comes through her illness quickly and gets back to what sounds like a lovely apartment.
Hugs, eyemamom.