<p>anxiousmommy: I’m sorry. I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mom & I often resent the fact that I have to be the primary support for her (I’m an only) when she hasn’t always been very nice and/or supportive to me, and since she never had to deal with her aging parents/inlaws. But it is what it is. She has gotten nicer since her stroke, and I’ve done what I can to prevent her comments & actions from affecting my kids. I keep figuring that there’s something I’m supposed to be learning from all of this…</p>
<p>Anxiousmommy, I am in the same situation as you but it is my mother in her 80’s and she doesn’t drink. My brother lives on the other side of the country. My mother even refuses to hire people for help in her home. She has been so mean to relatives that they avoid her. Her house is filthy and she promised me in January that she would hire help but hasn’t and I know she won’t. She could afford assisted living but doesn’t want to leave her house. She can barely walk 20 feet. She expects me to do everything for her except she drives herself to get her hair done once a month! I don’t want the job of being her caretaker. She has always been narcisstic. She is losing her short term memory. I have really noticed it in the last 6 months. She has been hospitalized 4 times in the last year and a half and I asked for help but the social workers and hospital staff think she is fine because my mother tells them that I will take care of her! They have given her lists of people and companies for helping her at home but she won’t call them.</p>
<p>Your personal stories are most enlightening-thank you for sharing-Might be helpful- article 100 things that can mimic alzheimers.
Detective Work: The False Alzheimer's Diagnosis - WSJ<em>hpp</em>sections_health</p>
<p>Anxiousmommy–definitely know what it is to have to provide care for someone that you’ve had a difficult history with when you lived at home! My sibs and I often say that the best year of our lives while growing up was the year my father was stationed in Viet Nam and we lived elsewhere. </p>
<p>But my father took care good care of my housebound, Parkinson’s dementia mother before she passed away (which I think is so out of character of how I perceive him). For that, I am grateful (LOVED my mother). </p>
<p>So I tell myself that your family has your back…I don’t have to like you…and I won’t put up with any guff from you…but I will look after you.</p>
<p>I don’t mind taking my mom to the hospital or being there when she needs me but it’s the little things that drive me crazy. For instance, she wanted me to drive to her home 3 times a day to check her answering machine while she was in the hospital. And usually she waits until 10 at night to let me know she needs something.</p>
<p>I guess what I want to know is how do you get a parent to understand that you don’t want to be their full-time caregiver? I have tried everything from telling her she needs to get help to ignoring her when she wants to go somewhere but she just waits me out and then tells people that I am a bad daughter. I also have other ill relatives to take care of.</p>
<p>Fortunately, I had a pretty good relationship with my folks. I WAS the wild child and my brother was the “easy” one. If they had only known they were going to be relying on me in their old age… I can’t imagine how I would feel about all the work I do for them if I did not respect or like them. </p>
<p>Moving day is Wednesday. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, Travelnut. I am just praying that it is not too late for mom to adjust. </p>
<p>One of the things that is so very difficult, is that our parents really are not privy to all that we do. They enjoy our company and the time between visits seems so long to them - even if we just saw them the previous day. In fact, when they are in the middle of a crisis and we are seeing them frequently, they are often even more upset when we miss a day. </p>
<p>I don’t resent helping my parents, but I have said this before, I do sometimes resent that when my parents were my age, they were enjoying the best years of their lives. They were playing golf, traveling as a couple and with friends. Life was very, very good. When dad retired at 62, he had a pension and health care for him and mom. My grandparents had passed away years before, my brother and I were launched. They had no responsibilities. </p>
<p>When I turned 60 this year, I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever have a similar time. I feel so tied down, and while others say I should get away, it is not as easy as it sounds. My DH has reminded me that this could easily go on for another ten years, so I need to adjust my expectations of myself. </p>
<p>The person who is the easiest to care for is my MIL. She is 88, relatively healthy, but more importantly - SHE cared for her husband with MS for years and so she understands the stress of being a caretaker. She is just awesome. She will ask for help, but she is extraordinarily appreciative and considerate.</p>
<p>Shyanne - oh dear, that would be tough!!! I have no words of wisdom - but you have our understanding.</p>
<p>shyanne, that is tough. If you wait until she agrees with or understands the level of care you can provide, you’ll be waiting forever. It is essential for caregivers to set boundaries, whether the loved one likes it or not. It sounds harsh, but think of it this way: If you collapse under the weight of her expectations, you won’t be doing her any favors. </p>
<p>One of the tricks with setting boundaries is to offer an alternative at the same time you’re telling her what you can’t do. For example, with the answering machine business, you could say, “Mom, I can only get over there once a day. Would you rather I check it every morning or every afternoon?” – and stick to that. And my own mother is famous for last-minute shopping requests, so I say, “OK Mom, I’ll put that on my list for Thursday.” She doesn’t like it, but she survives.</p>
<p>As far as your mom telling hospital workers and social workers that she doesn’t need any help because she has you: This may actually be an opportunity in disguise to get her more appropriate care. The key is for you to get really active in communicating with the medical staff. When she’s hospitalized, for example, talk with the nurse, the doctor, and the case manager – from Day One. Let them know of her memory problems, and that she isn’t a “reliable reporter” (tuck that phrase away for future use). </p>
<p>Tell the case manager in no uncertain terms that, despite what Mom may say, you are NOT her caregiver. Tell them she has NO caregiver. This is important because, by law, they cannot send her home if they know that it’s unsafe – and you just told them that it’s unsafe. Stand your ground. They’ll have to arrange for some kind of transitional care, either a nursing home or in-home care. </p>
<p>Hospitals are big, inefficient bureaucracies, so expect to have to repeat your story to every one you talk to. But be persistent. Make a fuss if you have to. Talk to the case manager every day. If the case manager isn’t cooperative, talk to the doctor (and you’ll probably have to insist on this too.) Talk to the nursing supervisor; she’s usually readily available on the floor. Make sure everyone knows loud and clear that Mom has NO caregiver. </p>
<p>Also, if possible, go with her to visit her primary doctor, and tell him/her about the problems you’re seeing and the fact that there’s no caregiver. Even better, ask your mom to authorize you as a contact (“Mom, if you’re incapacitated, I need to be able to talk to the doc.”) Then you can have a private, candid conversation. </p>
<p>She sounds like a great candidate for Assisted Living, but very few seniors want to go there (although they love it once they’re there). You won’t be able to persuade her of this, but I want you to know that AL is a wonderful place for them. They are happier, healthier, and they live longer than their peers who stay at home. It’s like freakin Disneyland for senior citizens. And they’re taken care of round the clock, so you don’t have to carry that burden any more.</p>
<p>What’s the situation with your brother? Does he sympathize, but can’t do anything because of the distance?</p>
<p>Wow, eddieodessa… come back and vent when you can. Maybe we’ll have help, we certainly will have support for you.</p>
<p>It really stinks when they have no concept of the time or energy that you are devoting to help them. We actually have wonderful resources in our community but like Shyanne my father says why should I pay for blah, blah, blah service when daughter or son-in-law can do it? Shoot me. I’m seriously considering joining a support group. My mom died over fifteen years ago and when she passed my older brother, who has also since passed away, said “God pushed the wrong button”. My father’s mother lived to be 91 so this could go on for a long time. I’m only in my forties but I can appreciate what Worknprogress2 said about not expecting life to be like this. And the kicker is having to receive lectures/direction/criticism from my sibling who lives so far away. Really? You live here and do this. I’ll trade places with you. And has anyone had to take away the keys? We’ve had to issue two silver alerts in the past year and my father wasn’t found in a neighboring town. Oh no that would be too easy. First time he was in a state that was four hours away and most recently in a state that is six hours away. I repeat, shoot me.</p>
<p>anxiousmommy–I feel for you! Yes, take away the keys! :eek:</p>
<p>I am fortunate that my father lives several states away but my brothers are near him. He is moving to a “senior” apt. this very week, after much thought. He is 90, in failing health, but of sound mind, fortunately. </p>
<p>My MIL just passed away, and she also was in another state but had a child near who could look after her affairs, which she could certainly not manage on her own. </p>
<p>It’s stressful and only gets worse as modern medicine finds ways to keep people alive almost forever, while their minds go. Oy.</p>
<p>Anxiousmommy: I felt the same way when my dad passed in 1990. I was much closer with my dad; to this day when my mom feels like letting me know how annoyed she is with me she says “you’re just like your father!” and I smile and say “thank you!” And she still throws him under the bus for all his faults 22 years later. </p>
<p>On a good note, when she had her stroke, she never even thought about driving again. So we’re never had to deal with taking keys away. But transportation falls to me. It wasn’t too bad when we were still in NJ as she lived in a senior building with regular transportation, but here in TN public transportation options are limited. I really wish there was another level of senior living here. It goes from home to apts with meals included (that she doesn’t want: hates being on anyone elses schedule & wants to eat her own food) then assisted living. Her apt in NJ was the perfect solution.</p>
<p>I’ve cultivated a good relationship with all her doctors offices & staff & will tattle on her when she’s out of earshot. Tis the good side of being in town and being an only child. I can make it all go through me.</p>
<p>It’s not a bad idea to go to a support group, use your employer EAP (employee assistance program) or spend a few visits with a pastor or therapist. As LasMa says, a lot of this is about setting boundaries, but it’s also about allowing yourself to feel this way without letting the guilt eat you up. </p>
<p>I wonder how many of us who are feeling the most squeezed have a portion of that because the parent involved had/has an alcohol issue.</p>
<p>
This is s tough one. </p>
<p>One of the challenges my family faced dealing with my Mom’s Alzheimers was getting my parents to agree to move my Mom into assisted living. My Dad was taking care of my Mom and when he started to wear down from providing 24x7 care my sister and I started each spend a couple nights a week at my parents so my Dad could set some sleep … but this quickly wore us down and put serious strains on our jobs, families, and health. Eventually we gave my Dad a timeline of when we couldn’t be the overnight caregivers 4-5 nights a week … and that we needed to either hire overnight caregivers or move Mom into an assisted living center. </p>
<p>None of these decision points (stop driving, declare mentally incompetent, move to assisted living, etc) have been easy but my sister and I have figured out a strategy … we bring up the topic early to get my Dad thinking about it … come back to the topic on regular basis … and, if needed, create a deadline to force him to decide and to move forward. Fortunately my Dad has been pretty reasonable about these decisions … however it is still stressful and the juxtaposition of our telling our parents what they need to do is weird, painful, and sad … however there have been times whens we’ve needed to push my Dad to the next step. IMO part of why these situations suck is the us as the child being put in a position where we need to disappoint our parents with our decisions that affect them</p>
<p>anxiousmommy, you have to take the car keys away. He’s endangering innocent people. Just last week some people were hurt by an elderly driver.</p>
<p>Hey, everyone, I’m finally joining.</p>
<p>I’ve been reading along but, truthfully, the stories are so scary and exhausting that I have to leave after awhile. In some respects, I feel better off than many of you, but we all have our crosses to bear and everyone’s situation is different.</p>
<p>My dad is 84 and a month ago had brain surgery. That was the easy part. He fell in February and suffered a concussion that started a spiral of issues. The positive part is that because of the fall we got to the root of his other issues, hence the brain surgery.</p>
<p>The most difficult thing for me is how my mom is reacting/behaving. I know she’s stressed herself over what’s happening, but she’s driving everyone crazy. I would love to get her on some anti-anxiety meds, but I don’t think she’ll go for it. I live more than three hours away and have been going up, roughly, every other week for days at a time, but I have to slow that pace. Mom and Dad need to figure out the new normal. Thankfully, I have two siblings who live within 15 minutes of them and can take care of the big things. My mom, physically, is in great shape. And, thanks to physical therapy, we don’t worry about Dad falling anymore, but he still can’t drive, and he so wants to drive. Everyone’s life would be much easier and happier if he could, but we can’t let that happen. Because of all the PT, Dad finally gets that he can’t, but, gosh, I hate the loss of freedom for him. And his constantly being underfoot is what’s driving my mom nuts, so she starts in with her nagging and hyper-criticalness.</p>
<p>I’ve already made the decision to not go back for a month. Ds2 is in the throes of college apps and his fall sport, so I have lots of excuses. Also, though, I want to model not being constantly available for my brother, who has really stepped up during the past few months. I’m afraid that he’s going to burn himself out. He needs to let them figure out their new routine.</p>
<p>One great thing that happened early was getting some of their financial affairs in order, so if anyone is lurking on here but isn’t quite to the point some of us are, ACT NOW. For some reason, last summer I made it my goal to figure out their financial affairs. My mom, bless her heart, is on top of where all the money is, but she doesn’t really understand WHAT it all is. We got everything written down, with passwords and PINs, and started to discuss what to do with various vehicles (annuities, insurance policies, etc) once they matured. We realized that some of their beneficiary stuff wasn’t in order, and that the POA and medical POA were lapsed. So last summer we cleaned all that up, including, for instance, me gaining access to their largest savings account because Dad is clueless about the finances and what would happen if Mom went first? We didn’t know all this information would be needed six months later. It’s made everyone’s lives much easier.</p>
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<p>Absolutely. The one thing I will never forgive myself is letting my Mom drive as long as we did … I let my Dad and sister “win” and went along with them … I should have called the police and turned in my Mom … if she had killed someone I never would have forgiven myself.</p>
<p>There are alternatives. No buses in my parents home town. There are cabs though. My Mom didn’t want to spend the money for cabs (we’ll ignore this is much cheaper than maintaining a car) … so I called a local cab company and set up an account so they would bill me monthly if my Mom needed a ride. This makes no sense because my parents have better cash flow and less obligations than the 3ToGo family but anything to push my parents to the right decision. And how many times did my Mom use a cab between the time she lost her license and moved into assisted living … zip … you can lead you parents to the water but you can’t make them drink it!</p>
<p>I have talked to social workers and Mom has been in a rehab a couple of times to get her moving again after being in the hospital. As soon as Mom gets home she does the exercises when the nurses come to the house and then quits when they leave. My brother is sympathetic but also wants me to keep Mom from driving. He doesn’t want to get blamed for it. I have refused to ride with her for the last 25 years. She has had one accident in that time. That will mean even more work for me if she refuses to get other people to drive her. There is good transportation for the handicapped elderly in the city she lives in. It costs $2.50 for a ride and they pick you up at your door. </p>
<p>Whatever happens, my mother will be extremely angry at me. My brother and I are real cowards because we have spent our entire lives trying to not get her mad. I think I will speak to her doctor. At least he will then know what she is like at home. </p>
<p>My grandmother was in a assisted living home and they were trying to kick her out when she died at 97. She lived with various relatives for many years before that. The women in the family are hard to get along with. I am trying so hard not to be like them.</p>
<p>Taking Away The Keys 101</p>
<p>In some communities there are OTs who evaluate seniors. Family docs often are reluctant to yank the keys but they cam refer to OT who then makes decision. Write a letter to family doc expressing your concern and ask that such a referral be made</p>
<p>I pulled the keys from mom and it was ugly. I think she wanted to be buried in the Buick. You know the one- standard issue beige colored le sabre</p>
<p>Dad was in hospital and we sold the car - my second experience</p>
<p>But with another elderly woman for whom i have total responsibility, doc sent her for eval. She still complains about failing the test but she doesnt blame me or doc</p>
<p>My Mom loves beige cars, too. I think they are boring.</p>