<p>SO sorry Lima Beans.</p>
<p>One of my friends had to put her mom into assisted living last November, Mom died Christmas Eve. Another friend visits her Mom every few months back east (friend is west coast) and she returned last weekend, Mom died the next morning so now she is back this week for the services.</p>
<p>So many people are going through all this. We are at that age!</p>
<p>So sorry for all who are going through these sad and challenging times. We still miss SIL, though she died in March 2012. H just looked at a 1986 wedding picture of us and his family and said, wow, out of the 7 of us in the photo, only 3 are still alive. That is H, me, and H’s brother. In contrast, everyone in the wedding portrait with my sibs, their spouses & kids & my folks are alive (and have added spouses and kids to the extended family).</p>
<p>Death is always so final and somehow it’s hard to really prepare and adjust.</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss, limabeans.</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss Limabeans.</p>
<p>We are attending services for Dad’s wife this weekend. She went insane last (2011) Christmas and broke up the family. Bounced from different assisted living places, home, and into foster care type place. Dad moved in with brother which is working out fine.
Her D thought her mom would die quickly every day for this past year. But it was a shock when she did die, and sudden. Now D is holding it against Dad that he didn’t rush 400 miles to deathbed. And is arranging the service with no communication to Dad at all (but she will send the bill when it is over).</p>
<p>Sudden is hard, even when it wasn’t.</p>
<p>And my Mom who I moved to dementia care this Nov continues to act up. She is just good enough to convince people in the short term that she is fine. But in the long term she is not good at all and she is driving me crazy. It is so sad and frustrating not to be able to fix her/it (the situation). It is painful in the extreme</p>
<p>So sorry to hear about your mother, limabeans…</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss, limabeans. Prayers for your family.</p>
<p>Oh Limabeans, she lived a long life and you knew the time was near but as they say it is still an unexpectedly big shock. So sorry. Hugs to you and yours.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your loss limabeans. As much as you prepare yourself for the end it is still so difficult. I hope that you can find comfort in happy memories and that you are at peace with all that you did to help your mom. You are a good daughter. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for our loss Lima Beans.</p>
<p>Does anyone have a solution or thoughts towards a solution for the following problem?</p>
<p>Back story…
Mom has dementia, has short term memory loss which is increasing. She forgot to pay bills, forgot she can’t drive, forgot how to cook, then forgot that she didn’t know how to cook. But she is still bright and covers very well. People meeting her for 5 minutes think she is fine. Her old old friends were worried about her and let ne know sometimes when Mom is off the deep end (accusing me or brother of stealing her money when we write the checks for the retirement hom) She is in “independent side” of assisted living, waiting on an apartment for the “more assisted side”. We’ve got most of the finance things etc covered.</p>
<p>But there is one newer old friend that believes Mom when she says the mistaken things. She wants to help Mom. I have told her Mom is forgetful, etc. But I am not in town (400 miles away) and who knows what she and Mom talk about, and I don’t know how often. </p>
<p>So the question is… how do you get rid of a “friend” that is doing more harm than good? Should I say, never come near her again? Oh yeah, that would go over well, then she would have evidence that I am the wicked daughter my mom sometimes says. Also, Mom was fiercely independent and really on top of things and resents not being Queen Bee/InCharge of everything. … … … except on the days she forgets it is winter and not spring or she forgets that she already ordered dinner or or or. </p>
<p>Anyway, sorry for the side topic. I just wonder how other people balance having Mom have company, keeping old connections, yet warning people away from believing her or feeding the fire. … And I am NOT good at confrontations so don’t suggest that.</p>
<p>That’s not a side topic, and it’s an interesting question. </p>
<p>Who is this friend? Is she someone your mom knew before she moved into independent living? Before she began losing her memory? If so, hopefully there’s nothing nefarious going on. If she befriended your mom AFTER she started losing her memory, I’d be alarmed, especially since she seems determined to turn your mom against you. Either way, she’s upsetting your mom and making things difficult for you, and is disrespecting your wishes. I agree, she needs to go.</p>
<p>I think your best bet is to talk to the director at your mom’s independent living, explain your concerns, and tell him/her you don’t want the friend having access to your mom any more. Once at my parents’ assisted living, I saw basically a “Wanted” poster in the office, where all staff would see it. It said something like, “Suzy Smith is not allowed on the premises. She will claim to be a friend of Mabel Jones. Escort her out immediately.” The poster had a picture of Suzy which looked like it had been taken surreptitiously as she was coming into the facility, or maybe it was from the security camera. But they can act as bouncers if need be. It’s private property and they have the right to deny her entrance. </p>
<p>If you go this route, it would be VERY important to arrange – in advance – to get your mom’s phone number changed, and to make sure it’s unlisted. And see to it that the woman’s phone number quietly disappears from your mom’s possession, again in advance.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t call the woman, but when she inevitably calls you, just say, “Your involvement with Mom was upsetting her and driving a wedge between us. I’ve decided it’s in her best interest not to see you any more.” (If you have siblings, say “My siblings and I have decided…” That seems to carry clout.) When she begins to protest, say firmly, “I’m sorry, but that’s all I have to say, and I’ll need to hang up now.” And then do so, even if she’s still talking. Don’t pick up when she calls back, don’t return her calls, delete her voicemails without listening to them. You do not owe her any further explanation, so don’t get sucked into giving any. Yes, she’ll think you’re the wicked daughter. Who cares? You’re not.</p>
<p>BTW, my mom is the same way. She’s social and vivacious and conversationally appropriate, and you’d never guess how impaired her memory is. She’s constantly saying things that I have to go around and correct.</p>
<p>Too late to ETA above.</p>
<p>And remember that YOU are the daughter. YOU have the right to make decisions on your mother’s behalf. YOU have rank, and SHE does not. Just keep that firmly in mind.</p>
<p>I agree with LasMa and think her solution to the issue is very timely and important. There are people who prey on elders and want to cut them off from their family before they take advantage of them. It’s essential you contact the place where mom lives and tell them about this issue immediately so they can take all appropriate actions, as described above. If you need your spouse and/or sibs to help you raise this issue, that’s fine, but it needs to be done right away.</p>
<p>Thanks for the thoughts. Sometimes I just need a whack with the obvious stick.</p>
<p>Yes, it is an old friend that knew her before she was as lost. They “ran” the church together, but they were just church friends. So this woman doesn’t know me. Mom’s old friends knew all our family. My brother thinks Mom needs the contact to stay in the world. She sometimes is lonely in the place, especially when she realizes she isn’t home. She would be LOTS more lonely at home, but that is not what she tells herself. So we thought the friend was good, but now… not so much. </p>
<p>I guess the hesitation is just more guilt from locking her up where she doesn’t and never did want to be. Unfortunately she burned her bridges years ago with my H and there is no way in the world she could live nearer to me, not even in a lock down home. Almost the same with my brother’s wife although I think Mom could live in the same town, not the same house though. In 35 years of marriage, that is the one thing we always fought about, my mom. </p>
<p>Anyway, I keep saying to myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing what is best for her. It is just hard to make decisions that ARE best, when they are opposite what she says are better.</p>
<p>esobay, it IS hard…</p>
<p>We have an elderly friend who is suffering from dementia. She is able to stay in her own home for now b/c she has a live-in aide, but she does have spells where she has paranoia and you can’t believe anything she says. Fortunately everyone now recognizes this…when she says her brother sabotaged her car, for instance, or talks about our good friend’s funeral (he is very much alive!)</p>
<p>My friends Mom had been fighting dementia for the past few years, I would visit once or twice a year when I was in town, and visit for an hour or two. Mom could totally cover, had my friend not told me about the dementia, I would never have noticed anything awry. The little things were easily explained away. Perhaps the friend thinks she is helping or even rescuing Mom. Could you enlist the assistance of those old friends who do know what’s up? Are they in the same town? If so, what about some of them doing coffee with the old friend and updating her to the reality so that she can be included as a helpful part of Mom’s team?</p>
<p>Maybe that would work with her, but if not, then you would not feel guilty cutting her off form Mom.</p>
<p>Esobay- such complexity in the land of elder care. I am with you in hoping your mother is a setting with more care ASAP. </p>
<p>As to the friend, I can’t quite picture what is transpiring between the two of them, which makes it hard to think about solutions. If she is supporting your Mom in an inappropriate quest for greater independence and attempting to get plans re-arranged or to do outings which are potentially dangerous (as an example), then I would be concerned. If she is a bit blind to current deficits, but placating your Mom with off hand comments about how she is “doing fine”, that is another thing. If she is a peer of your mother’s, she may have her own challenges. </p>
<p>Thinking along the same line as somemom, perhaps it would help if staff or another friend could observe a visit if there is ambiguity or even have her come by when you are in town. I would also ask the staff what they have observed about your mother’s social interactions in general. Once someone is frequently confused and lacking in memory, there is a lot of floating over the surface and smoothing over that goes on in service of pleasant exchanges and recognition that confrontation isn’t going to improve the cognition or judgement. This may also dilute the “power” of any potentially conflicting comments a friend may make. </p>
<p>Good luck with this. Things may become smoother in a more structured setting or with additional help where she is now as an interim measure (if this is realistic). Also, I understand how hard it can be to facilitate a parent’s need for more supervised care. I moved a parent to memory care this year and view the decision as a way to give him the best quality of life possible. While he couldn’t have made this decision independently, it has proven to be a great fit. I hope this happens for your Mom, also.</p>
<p>I have a similar situation in that my mother has two cousins that are up in age but both still independent. My mom would tell them she wants this, that, and the other, and they would send her packages of stuff, over and over. Mom’s assisted living room was a hoarder’s paradise. Mom is now in skilled care, with a roommate, much less room, but I went ballistic on my second visit to find these cousins were already sending packages again. In this case, it’s not just a safety issue, but what about a fall hazard for her roommate? Mom also has limited sight, but has a magnifying reader that another resident willed to her at assisted living. She’s got it set up in her skilled care room, and wants my sister to send her back her address book. Sister took it with a promise to enter the phone numbers and addresses on the computer and print them out in large print. She of course has not done this yet. Problem I have with Mom getting this info is that I know she will call these people at all hours of the night. She wants these people to know where she is, but I’m thinking they might not welcome a call from Mom. She’s already told of a story of calling a former neighbor at one o’clock in the morning and the woman was none too pleased. Of course, Mom continued to hold a conversation with her. Many of Mom’s friends are still ambulatory, in fact, are very active, and may even still go to work in the morning. Every time Mom brings this up, I steer her away from the subject, but she will get a bee in her bonnet and call me yelling for her book on occasion. As for the well meaning cousins, my other sister has contact with them, and though I’ve pleaded with her to instruct these cousins not to send Mom packages, that sister likes to send things as well, so sees no harm in it. Of course, that sister took no part in the week long clean up of my mom’s hoarders room in assisted living last year, so she’s got no dog in that hunt.</p>
<p>So much to deal with with our parents. I’m trying to make prepaid funeral arrangements in preparation for moving Mom to a Medicaid facility, and I have no idea where to start. We’ll be cremating Mom, a first for our family, and will likely have a memorial service for her in our hometown, where she no longer resides. I also don’t know where we will bury her cremains, whether her cremains can be buried alongside my Dad’s and Brother’s coffin. We’re in New Orleans, and we have unique cemetaries, as some of you may know, and we’re Catholic, so it’s not going to be an easy task.</p>
<p>Good luck to all taking care of your elder parents. I hope my end is quick and easy and that my son has a long life after my passing.</p>
<p>The wanting things you should not have seems crazy at times. My MIL had a stroke over 20 years ago, a serious stroke. FIL let her drive, fitted out the car with a special knob and I believe she had to pass a DMV test, though I am not sure. We had some crazy fights when my kids were little and I would not let them drive with her. Nearly 10 years ago he stopped letting her drive and sold “her” car. She still to this day argues with him about it, but she has not walked in over five years and has been virtually bed bound for a couple of years. I tell him that he should give her the keys and tell her to go do it herself (impossible) and stop arguing, but dang if she does not still bring it up to me on every visit!</p>