<p>Just saw an interesting show on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) the other night. It’s called “Our America with Lisa Ling.” The most recent episode is called the “Secret Lives of Seniors.” I found it very interesting as it dealt with numerous issues. I believe that you can view it online at the OWN web site if you can’t watch one of the re-runs on TV.</p>
<p>GAMom- I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I know you were comforted by the poems and thoughts given to you by others, may I give you another that is often used by my Irish clan?
“Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and also talk of me as though I were beside you. I loved you so, 'twas heaven here with you.”</p>
<p>fondly,
WNP</p>
<p>RobD - </p>
<p>I don’t think any of us really like to face up to just how exhausting all of this can be. I know there are times when I come home from being with mom (and more so when dad was alive) that I would just plop down across the bed for awhile, only to realize that I had fallen asleep. In fact, sometimes I wake myself up with my own SNORING (TMI???). I think to myself - why am I so tired? We didn’t really DO much. </p>
<p>But it is exhausting. The hyper-vigilance, the couching advice in a way that is respectful, the worry. It does take its toll.</p>
<p>GA2012mom so sorry for your loss. Love to you and yours.</p>
<p>GA2012- so sorry about your Dad, so glad that it was a ‘good death’ peaceful and surrounded by family.</p>
<p>WNP- you are so right about the hyper-vigilance being exhausting, whenever we return from a trip to the in-laws, where we did ‘nothing’ I am so weary.</p>
<p>GA2012MOM, So sorry and my sincerest condolences also.</p>
<p>GA2012mom- my sympathy to you and your family. So sorry for your loss. Wishing you some rest and peace at this difficult time.</p>
<p>GA2012, sorry for your loss as well. Glad he had the comfort of his beloved wife and one of his kids by his side. Please be kind to yourself–wonderful that he’s no longer in pain.</p>
<p>GA2012 - so sorry to hear about your dad’s death. I’m thinking about you and your family during this difficult time.</p>
<p>Wow, I have not read through all of this thread, but there seems to be a great deal of good information and support.</p>
<p>I have a question and pardon me if it has been addressed earlier in the thread.</p>
<p>What do you do with a parent who really should not be living alone any more. She is 100% with it mentally, but has some balance issues and is now on oxygen 100% of the time. She is in a 4 BR colonial, alone, and getting frailer.</p>
<p>She is in COMPLETE denial that she is no longer 40 years old. Refuses to get a life alert bracelet (“they don’t really work”", refuses to consider a condo or one floor apartment (“I only go up the stairs once a day”), refuses an aide to help with laundry (“I can carry it up one piece at a time”).</p>
<p>I know it is about fear of loss of control, and anxiety about growing older. We have said outright, Don’t you want us to have some peace of mind and not worry that you are lying at the bottom of the stairs when you don’t answer the phone??</p>
<p>She puts up a good front for us and hides things, like how long it takes her to do some tasks, or that she takes her oxygen off to use the stove, etc. It is hard to help her and it is excruciating to have to negotiate and argue everything related to her health, when in all other areas we all have a wonderful relationship and she is normally a very loving and giving person. Any thoughts??</p>
<p>MIL refuses to move, goes up and downstairs to the laundry and the “office”, refuses to let us move the laundry or computer upstairs. She talks about her “so called heart attack” and won’t go to the cardiologist. The only reason she agreed to cataract surgery is because my DH threatened to sell her car, (she should not be driving, but states that she only goes to the hairdresser and the A&P, about 1/2 mile away. As her doctor told her, “when you hit someone at least it will be a neighbor and not a stranger”). The only reason she agreed to life alert is because a neighbor passed away in his garage and no one found out for 2 days! Does your mom have a good relationship with her MD or a nurse in his office? Perhaps you could contact them and give them a “heads up” on her situation, maybe she will let him talk to her about a life alert. It would be a start. Best of luck, it is so hard when they are headstrong, I know it frightens them to lose independence.</p>
<p>GA2012: I am very saddened to hear of your loss. Hugs to you and your family. I felt a sense of relief that my dad’s journey was over and the very end was peaceful. Sounds similar to your dad.</p>
<p>In his last few years, my dad accused me of stealing him blind and in his next breath asked me to take him to the lawyer because I was the only one who could help him gain access to his safe deposit boxes.</p>
<p>Surf city: my 88 yr old mother lives alone in her 2800 sqf house. She does have the ADT alert around her neck. My brother convinced her that if she fell, we were too far away (I live 35 miles away). She doesn’t drive much and I go weekly to manage her needs like drs, groceries, and just being a companion. She has a cell phone, but doesn’t use it. I have directions written right next to it, but “forgets” to take it when she leaves the house.</p>
<p>I figure it is her life and as long as she can manage safely, I have to be okay with it. She refuses to move.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your kind thoughts, I appreciate each of them.</p>
<p>Edit: Dentmom, my dad would occasionally accuse my mom of “taking” the $20 he had in his wallet. Now the wallet is nowhere to be found. Maybe the same person that took the $20 took it too. ;)</p>
<p>GA2012MOM, you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>ECmotherx2: Ironically, we called her doc yesterday to put the bug in his ear that she should probably be hospitalized until she can get over this spinal fracture pain. (She cannot move without assistance, cannot get to the bathroom, cannot fix herself something to eat and is in awful pain). </p>
<p>He still did not want to hospitalize her - “why do you want to lay in bed there, when you can lay in bed at home?” Sheesh - at least she’d have someone monitoring her, checking her oxygen and pain, and preventing her from falling trying to get to the bathroom. She refuses to have an aide.</p>
<p>Dentmom - as you say, we are trying to stay with the point of view that it is her life and if she is willing to risk whatever may happen with falling, using O2 around gas, not eating, poor hygiene, all too “save face” and not admit that she needs help, then that is all we can do and we have to live with it.</p>
<p>But it seems like a bit of a selfish way to live; I guess I’ll have to see how I am when I reach taht stage of life :)</p>
<p>surfcity, Your mom’s safety would be my number one concern-- even if it means infuriating her. My mom “refused” to go into a senior living center and furthermore said we would have to bound, gag, and carry her if we wanted her to move. She moved in yesterday and, no, she was not hog-tied and carried in. This morning she admitted that she liked her apartment, even though most of her furnishings would not fit. I am expecting tomorrow she will, once again, need consoling over putting much of her furniture in consignment.</p>
<p>I would suggest insisting that she live in a safer one-story environment. Many senior centers have independent living that can transition into assisted living when the time comes. Your bigger worry may be financial feasibility rather than emotional trauma. It won’t be easy and you likely will be met with hostility at each and every turn in the short term.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>surfcity- sorry for the dilemma your family is facing. I am wondering if she has had any skilled nursing/rehabilitation care to address this recently. Without knowing all the details and assuming she is not “fresh out” of rehab, a possible response to the Doc’s question about “why the hospital” is as follows: (YMMV and sorry for the length)</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Her pain is not currently adequately managed and it is not prudent nor feasible to address that in an unsupervised environment. She is in a catch-22; can’t regain strength without moving, can’t move while in severe pain and alone. Not a good idea to make major med changes (especially of pain management nature) outside of the hospital. She is currently not in a safe situation. Hospitals usually have pain management teams with expertise in balancing comfort, function, med interactions, and side effects. The fact that she is on oxygen amplifies concerns. </p></li>
<li><p>Her weakness secondary to not being able to be ambulatory due to spinal fracture may well require physical therapy to counter-act the muscle wasting and see if she can get back to her previous baseline (assuming this is medically indicated). Such PT and often occupational therapy is often best done in a skilled nursing rehab stay, which is covered by Medicare after several nights in the hospital (criteria/time-frame can be found at the Medicare website if it is relevant). While she is in the hospital and eventually rehab, there is the opportunity to address aftercare needs with trained, local professionals. If she is hospitalized, connect with the discharge planning nurse or social worker immediately so that they are aware of your concerns. Skilled nursing rehab would buy time when she is supervised, making as much progress as possible and you are gaining further info about how to proceed and best living options. It has made a huge difference in my family. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>If she is not a hospital/skilled rehab candidate, I would try to get physical therapists and occupational therapists to come to the house in order to assess her situation and offer appropriate recommendations. There are criteria for Medicare coverage of such help and her Dr might need to order this if indicated. I see she is refusing aides, but perhaps specific help to " get her on her feet" will be more appealing. </p>
<p>This is complicated. Do agree with others that safety needs to come first. If you find yourselves completely on your own without a direction and worried, geriatric care managers have expertise and can work with families to determine options and help move things forward constructively. Councils on Aging may have references, as may local hospitals and other elder programs. This may be covered by insurance, or out of pocket, but could be very worthwhile if you are stuck. Hope things improve- I know how hard this is.</p>
<p>Surfcity, can the MD make a referral to VNA for you? They will send in a nurse and a case manager to evaluate her and her needs. Let them make the recommendations for therapy, an aide and maybe someone to come in for meals and light housekeeping.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your concern and helpful information!! We do have many resources, the issue is she does not want to do anything other than be left on her own. She says this even as my H is practically carrying her to the bathroom! </p>
<p>We have a friend with a senior care agency who is coming over today, despite her pleas. I think (I may have said this earlier) that her stubbornness is more about anxiety over the future and loss of control in things. We’d like to see someone come in to check on her, help with hygiene until her back heals, do housekeeping and maybe some light cooking. She has oxygen and refuses to get an electric stove, so she either takes her O2 off or makes whatever she can in her toaster oven. We’d really like to get her into a one floor condo.</p>
<p>I understand this is a complicated emotional situation. That is why all your experience is helpful. Travelnut your comments are very helpful and we will bring that up with the doctor today. Thank you. It’s not fun being in the sandwich generation</p>
<p>Best wishes to you surfcity. It all sounds so difficult. My mom is okay in her house for now because her health is excellent, she is careful, and she is safe. She cared for my dad for years and finally said enough because it was so grueling. I don’t know how I would manage if she were ill. Probably insist that she move closer to me and she can visit her house.</p>
<p>I tell the dentkids that H and I will not do this to you. In our 70s, we will move to a retirement community that has independent living through end of life care.</p>