<p>surfcity … for me, there is some distinct difference in the ‘feel’ of the stubborn arguments with Mom. She has always been stubborn and in some ways selfish. We do have a diagnosis of dementia with dead brain cells showing on scans. She, too, has always been a bit disorganized. When we cleaned up some of the papers, we found many dividend checks, small uncashed things…oldest was about 1988 I think. So it was hard to finger dementia for some of this behavior. but there is definitely a difference now. She argues that she should take care of herself, but winds up giving us more reasons to have her in AL.
I can only say that there was a cliff and she jumped off it. Still the same essential person at the end, yet so strangely altered.</p>
<p>Midwest, hugs.</p>
<p>esobay, the particulars and the dynamics are a bit different for my situation, but I had the same feeling that my life had been taken over by my parents. It all came to a head last Memorial Day weekend. For whatever good it will do you:</p>
<p>My DH had been telling me for some time that I needed to step back a bit, because he saw first-hand the toll it was taking on me. Then last spring, Mom & Dad had a flurry of issues – medical, legal, too-frequent visits from my brother when he came to visit them, and the never-ending dog problem – and by May, I felt like a zombie. When we went to visit my brother for the Mem Day weekend, my brother and husband sat me down for an intervention. Bro said he could see I was getting near the end of my rope, and he made it very clear that no one expected me to be killing myself to help them. The three of us worked out a decreased level of involvement for me. I felt so wonderful and supported and came home with a new game plan.</p>
<p>The night we got home, Dad had to be taken to ER and so I spent all night there, right back in zombie-land. As I sat there, I began having the abdominal pain that had started a month or two before, and this time it was so bad that they ended up treating ME as well as dealing with Dad (it turned out to be stress-related gastritis, not the ulcer I’d feared). The doc was a woman about my age who’d had elderly-parent issues too, and so she was sympathetic and kindly reinforced exactly what my DH and brother had more or less forced on me over the weekend.</p>
<p>A few days later, I was able to tell my mom truthfully that I’d been ORDERED by my husband, my doctor, and my brother (their son) to step back a little, for my own health. She wasn’t super-pleased, but I wasn’t looking for her permission. I was telling her what I could do, and I’ve stuck to that. </p>
<p>I guess the big takeaway for me was that I’m not as indispensable as I thought I was! My brother helped me to sort out where I’m really needed (financial and medical stuff), what we can pay someone else to do (run errands, do shopping), and what can fall by the wayside (visiting them 4 days a week; I only go on Saturday mornings now). Bro also understood that I just can’t have houseguests every 4 to 6 weeks. And miracle of miracles, the world hasn’t ended!</p>
<p>Some of those conversations were tough, but I feel like I’ve gotten my balance back. When a crisis comes, it doesn’t knock me off the rails because my baseline stress level is now reasonable. And some of us worry about what will happen if we suddenly set boundaries, so I’ll tell you: No one is mad at me, everyone still loves me, and the gastritis has never flared again.</p>
<p>Surfcity –</p>
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<p>I like to call my mom hard-headed. However, it’s become much worse lately. I always try to explain things to her using logic but to no avail. She’s been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment, so it’s not a real problem right now. We’ve been fighting so much lately that I’ve had to make a conscious effort to disengage from my level of involvement in her life to preserve my own mental health.</p>
<p>LasMa, thanks!
I am not physically over involved with Mom, she is 400 miles away. I am working on financials and talking to her on the phone every day. Sometimes only 5 minutes or sometimes an hour. DH also has some medical issues that I use as an excuse NOT to go rushing up to save her every week. Since Nov when we moved her in, it has been a week-ish a month that I am there. She isn’t mad because I am not there more, she is mad because she isn’t in control and at home. Bro is very supporting and also does not visit her more than monthly. Her house is still standing the way she left it (minus about 3 pickup loads of trash/broken appliances, papers etc). I would rather get it empty and rented to get her more income, but Grandma was a collector and some of the stuff in there is valuable and needs special handling. DH and I would go nuke it… except Mom isn’t dead and it is really still her stuff. If things continue down hill at the rate they seem to be going, I’ll be getting a guardianship in about six months and then I really will nuke the house. In the mean time, because Mom went through this with Grandma’s alzheimers, we have all the necessary papers (POA, trust, etc) to do a good job of most of it.
It is just the pain of her pain. And the squeeze of DH wanting it ALL taken care of right this minute or NOTHING taken care of at all. His parents died young and quickly and he didn’t know his grand parents very much. So his family dynamics have always been VERY different from mine. I don’t say he is wrong in his approach either, but for my mom, bro and me, it just isn’t practical.
And you are right, every week there is some other crises. Last week it was her trying to get to the dentist and having the last of her teeth pulled (Not that bad an idea, but not by herself!) This week she “lost” her key to her apartment, and then said someone was in it rifling the papers. It is “” because when she was more or less sane, she would do something like that on purpose for manipulation. Now I think she did forget where she left them, although there is that bad seed to my thinking that she is just trying to show this is a bad place so she can go home. I don’t even feel guilty for thinking that, but just another layer of sad because that is who she is.</p>
<p>Can I please get your opinion on this situation. I have an elderly relative, 90+ years old, who lives by himself. He has a woman, early 40’s, who was hired by his son to clean for him and drive for him. This person has been working for him for about six months. Recently, an out of state relative visited him and became quite concerned about his relationship with this woman. Apparently he is loaning her money, taking her to pricey restaurants and buying her gifts. He told the visiting relative that she is his girlfriend, but that he still pays her to work for him because she needs the money. His son was notified, but because he is non-confrontational and does not want to deal with the man himself, he has chosen to ignore the warnings. The visiting relative is very concerned and has suggested some sort of intervention. What do you think of the situation and how would you handle it? I appreciate your opinion on this situation!</p>
<p>FishyMom- this does sound, um, fishy. But the real question is what can be done? Is he of sound mind? Then he can choose to pay for company and can choose to do this. My FIL ended up co-signing the 4 hour a day caregiver’s auto loan and then when she was behind on payments and the creditors called, he paid it off, with the understanding, per his conversation with the creditor, that the car would be his to sell. NOT. He paid off her car years after she had quit working for him and his credit rating took a major hit so his credit cards were reduced to small amounts available. Of course, he never told any one about all this happening until later and there was not much that could be done.</p>
<p>She did nothing illegal, he agreed of his own free will to co-sign, he was afraid she could not get to his house without a good car. </p>
<p>UGH! I don’t even like to think about it. Oh, and don’t get me started on the missing jewelry, etc.</p>
<p>Has the elderly relative been diagnosed with any mental impairment? Was the woman hired directly or through an agency? Does the son, or anyone else, have PoA for the elderly relative? Has the concerned relative looked into contacting the state elder abuse/adult protective services agency where the elderly relative resides? Is there a family attorney who might help? </p>
<p>It’s hard to say what I’d do without more information, but I’d at least want to look into the situation.</p>
<p>If the out of state relative is credible, I am at a loss to see but one explanation for this circumstance. Is elder relative well- is there a dementia diagnosis? Perhaps he is lonely and gullible. Non-confrontational is one thing, depleting all assets another. I have had a vulnerable elder in very extended family go through this with a “friend” to great personal detriment. If nothing else, I would want to protect a large portion of savings and, if applicable, remove all valuables/jewelry from the house. Also, there may be ways to learn more about who this woman is (Internet / local authorities). Some people are serial offenders. If he is not able to manage his own affairs, a very last resort would be having him declared incompetent. In between that and doing nothing is where I would start. There may be ways to have family more visible and vigilant without creating a rift. If she feels sniffed out, she may choose to “break up”. Someone should check out his accounts and see what the activity really is.</p>
<p>Good luck to all. I would love to be wrong.</p>
<p>Thank you for your replies! Silpat, he has been diagnosed with mild dementia. The woman was not hired through an agency, she was the cleaning lady for some associates of the son. The concerned relative lives on the opposite coast and expected the son to react differently to the situation. There is an attorney that could be consulted, but I doubt son will do anything. I tried to call the Council on Aging today, but they must be closed.</p>
<p>fishymom, one form of elder abuse is financial. What is obvious to everyone is how this woman is playing the elderly man. He is vain enough to fall. It is unfortunate his son won’t intervene. He could contact attorney, hire a Guardian ad litem, take over checkbook if his FA is incompetent (which would need to be evaluated). I suppose I’d make the son realize how much money his FA has given to this woman.</p>
<p>Silpat brought up a very good point, if the person is hired through a service then there could be better recourse. </p>
<p>In talking with my friends with elder issues, it is extremely difficult when the senior is in that limbo between definitely diagnosed and totally competent. There is a transitional time period when assets can be squandered or lost, but the person can still not be declared incompetent.</p>
<p>Since he has a diagnosis and since the son is unwilling to deal with it, perhaps the local DA has a division that handles such things? Given the dementia diagnosis, there may be something there on which to base a case for financial misconduct.</p>
<p>Fishy- I would contact adult protective services as soon as you can. My grandfather did almost the same thing…He rented out a room in his house because he was lonely. Some renters lasted a few months, others longer, until SHE showed up. Started out as a renter, then became the ‘cleaning lady’, then when my sister wouldn’t invite this woman to her wedding, my grandfather married her! He was 82, she was 27- younger than my brother!</p>
<p>My mother was livid. And yes, she (mom’s new step-mom) came to the wedding. He bought her things, and when that wasn’t enough, she forged his signature on a few credit cards. After a couple of years, she got tired of being married and disappeared. Grandpa finally got a divorce and then had to cancel all credit cards and do other legal things to get out from under the mess she created. It was a mess.</p>
<p>Sometimes you just have to get involved, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.</p>
<p>I just returned from a week with my mom, trying to sort through home care options. She is physically fit in her late 80’s, but can’t remember anything new. The scenario Fishymom describes is everyone’s worst nightmare when entrusting a stranger to care for an elder in another city or state. It is just so easy for con artists to take advantage of lonely, vulnerable elderly individuals. I would start by giving this woman a head’s up that you are concerned about her behavior. I suspect the young relative feels the way many of us feel when something like this arises, “Oh no, I just can’t handle trying to find a new solution to dealing with in home care”. </p>
<p>We chose a well respected agency to help us arrange in-home care for mom. They have a web site highlighting the credentials of their “elder care managers”. It is all designed to make you feel secure about the decision to bring in outside help. The actual caregivers are a far cry from the professional geriatric specialists featured in marketing literature. In the month since we’ve signed up for the service one person quit, just didn’t show up one day. The second one is nice, but doesn’t seem to have any initiative to figure out what needs to be done with my mom. It’s creating more work for us to think up things for the caregiver to do. They are all young women with limited English fluency, so while my mom enjoys the company and the attention she is not talking to them very much and not participating in many “enrichment” activities that are heavily touted on the agency web site. I see these caregivers as victims too. They probably are paid a fraction of the hourly fee we are charged, and they have contracts with multiple home care agencies. The so-called geriatric care manager has done little more than try to convince us to place my mom in several inappropriate retirement homes, even though the theme of the agency’s literature is finding solutions to allow people to stay in their homes. I’m sure there are good caregivers out there, but I’m having a heck of a time locating them. So much to vent about, so little time. </p>
<p>I look forward to reading over all the posts I’ve missed during the past week.</p>
<p>momsquad, very true about the caregivers/aides. My MIL has been through quite a few of them. They come late, sometimes don’t show up, seem unable to figure out basic tasks like doing laundry, resist doing things they don’t care to do, won’t do any cleaning even though the agency says they are supposed to help with “light housekeeping,” etc. And of course when you think of how little money they make, while often dealing with very difficult situations, is it any wonder that the agencies can’t find better employees?</p>
<p>momsquad --</p>
<p>We had similar problems finding quality in-home care for my MIL. We went through an agency to find someone. She, too, had limited English fluency, but she was very kind to my MIL. However, she quit after a few months and my MIL wouldn’t accept any replacements. I know for a fact that most of the money we paid went to the agency, not the caregiver.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, our society places a very low value on the care of our elderly. It usually ends up in the hands of the uneducated who can’t find a good job.</p>
<p>My M, who is in her 80’s, still lives independently. However, she’s told me that she wants to hire in-home care when the time comes. We live over 6 hours away and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle it. She’s already told us that she doesn’t want to come and live with us.</p>
<p>I think for many of us it is simple distance that is causing much of the heartache. If I lived within 20 minutes of my mom I would be able to do so much more for her. As it is, three hours away, I have to cram as much in to each visit as possible. On this last visit we did a new doctor visit (geriatric specialist), eye appointment, three continuing care residential living facility tours (“not ready yet”), one visit to a friend in skilled nursing, updated three calendars in the house to reflect all future appointments, tossed rotten/ moldy food in the fridge (why didn’t the caregiver do this???), shopped, found and organized documents for tax preparer…my blood pressure is rising, got to stop thinking about this.</p>
<p>This afternoon I get to talk to the home care agency about the recent issues. I need to remain calm and not burn bridges, because as bad as they are we are dependent on them. So much of this reminds me of finding quality child care 19 years ago. The home care situations were all bad news and we opted for institutional (Kindercare) care because at least we felt there was some oversight and quality control. Seems we are headed in the same direction with elder care.</p>
<p>Momsquad- that is a lot on your plate. </p>
<p>It is true that there are more checks and balances in eldercare facilities, as well as more data to review about them (most states make inspection info available). Additionally, day to day, the issue of sick care-giver and unexpected absences go away. It is good that you are starting to visit continuing care settings so that the options can start to gel. My peace of mind sky-rocketed when my folks were well-situated. Every situation is different, but when my parents needed a continuing care facility, it became clear that as they would be starting over with Drs, friends, etc. wherever they went. As I was the primary support system, it made sense for them to move 2 1/2 hours away (new state), to be closer to my family. My father now lives 25 minutes away and it has made all the difference for the last 9 years. </p>
<p>When I dealt with home care agencies, I found it very helpful to be specific and to ask them “what is reasonable to expect” in x situation type questions. It gave them the chance to articulate what they were prepared to do and state both their ideal goal and worst case scenarios so we could develop back up plans. I also made it clear I would rather know what was going on and hear it from them directly and stated directly what issues were important to tend beyond the obvious personal care ones. I found that good agencies even paid attention to who would enjoy my mother and vice versa, once I established a relationship with them. </p>
<p>I wish you the best with all these logistics. You must need a rest.</p>
<p>My mother has been living in a continuing care community for the past 15 years. She is living independently in a condo at this time. She has seen many of her friends who live there go to the assisted living facility or nursing home on campus as their health deteriorated. She’s paid through the nose to live there over the past 15 years. It’s very expensive. The reason she chose to live there is so she wouldn’t be a burden on me or my brother. Her intention was to take advantage of the assisted living and nursing facilities if she needed them. But now she’s had a change of heart and wants to hire in-home care when the time comes. What she doesn’t realize is that this defeats the whole purpose of living in a continuing care community. Now it will be a burden on my brother and I to try to make sure she receives competent care from such a long distance (6 hours away).</p>
<p>Now that most of the residents are in their 80’s and 90’s where she lives, there seems to be at least one death a week. They all wonder if they will be the next one to go.</p>
<p>Fishymom the son of the relative should call the bank and any investment houses where the father has funds and alert them to his concerns. He does not have to confront his dad. He should also contact his dad’s doctor and see if the doc can help clarify to the bankers that there is mild dementia and a privately hired home health worker who seems to be taking advantage. It is not an easy situation but it must be dealt with.</p>