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<p>So true. I’d also add that in our experience, these difficult issues usually don’t get resolved in one conversation. The first conversation is just for broaching the subject. It takes them a while, and a few more conversations, to be ready to make a move. For us, the key has been to start the process, so that we can eventually get to the end of it.</p>
<p>So much wisdom on this thread. Agree that, at this phase, things aren’t likely to spontaneously improve. It has helped me a lot to be pro-active and upbeat about options, ways to move forward, etc. I spoke about how everyone needs help at some point, just a question of what kind. A lot of how this goes is related to temperament which can sometimes be finessed and sometimes only endured. I think taking a team approach of “how can we approach this together/is there anything I can do” is helpful. It also requires a lot of patience at times. </p>
<p>I attended a group for folks with relatives with dementia this week. It occurred to me that there is something a bit different about wrapping your head around the need to accommodate neurological disease as opposed to other types of illness. In many cases, I think that accessing optimal care is delayed more than it would be if the frailty was of a physical nature. Some of it is ambiguity, some of it is denial or the relative’s resistance, some of it can be stigma or a lack of awareness about options. An environment that addresses loss of memory and executive function can optimize quality of life as much as one that accommodates mobility issues and other illnesses.</p>
<p>I think that with elders, just like raising kids, you can’t hold yourself accountable for what you couldn’t know, but you are obliged to use what you do know on their behalf. It is just that much trickier to do because it often involves the role reversal.</p>
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<p>A friend who’s a physical therapist told me that a main reason older women need to enter nursing homes (or assisted living, I guess) is that they can no longer get on or off the toilet without help. So keep those thigh muscles strong, friends!</p>
<p>cptofthehouse, I really wish I could “strong-arm” my MIL into an assisted living facility. She is completely isolated except for her aide who comes once a week. She does not leave her apartment anymore, even to go to the lobby to get the mail. She has one friend that she talks to on the phone. And she seems to get a little socialization playing computer games. That’s it. She talks on the phone with my husband once a week, and we take her out to dinner once a month. The sad thing is that she is actually a very social person, and I think she would thrive in assisted living, but she’s so afraid of change that I don’t know how this will ever come about, until she becomes too incapacitated to live at home.</p>
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<p>My mother, who is in her 80’s, needs a grab bar when using the toilet. If there isn’t one available, she’s been known to use a towel rack. More than one towel rack has been pulled out of the wall!</p>
<p>In case it is helpful to anyone, there are rails that can be attached to toilets via the bolts that hold on the toilet seat. The greatest thing about it is that the 2 rails can be removed and stored until needed, leaving the unobtrusive attachments on the toilet.</p>
<p>Sitting and reading is the worst thing in the world for physical fitness! Well, except for sitting and using the computer, or sitting and watching TV…</p>
<p>Yes…stay active as long as you can! Then even if something catastrophic happens (heart attack, stroke) you will have a base with which to begin PT. :)</p>
<p>I’m getting a wealth of very useful advice from this thread. Thanks so much to everyone.</p>
<p>We turned a bathroom into a handicapped one for my MIL,so that it’s virtually impossilble to fall–hardly any floor space. My mother’s bathroom has safety rails. We got a chair for my mother that you can live it. It’s recliner, swivels, has compartments, a leg lift, everything except the seat lift which she does not need. MIL has the recliner with the seat lift which she needed but no longer does.</p>
<p>Anyone here successfully won a duel with the long term care insurance industry?</p>
<p>Mom had fairly good LTC insurance that she has paid into for 15 years. She still thinks she is independent… reality? not so much.</p>
<p>The policy has 2 ways to activate it… can’t perform 3 daily living tasks (eating bathing etc etc) … Well yes, she can put food in her mouth, but buying groceries, cooking and eating nutritionally are WAY beyond what she can do now. Yes she can shower (but sometimes forgets how to turn on the shower and so we have an aide be there in the morning (for slipping… or turning the darn thing on!). The aide is not a certified person according to their standards.
OR
the insured has long term cognitive disfunction/impairment. Yet the Dr. just keeps giving Mom the mini-mental tests (she is “moderate” scoring 19/30 and they want her to be 9/30). No long term cognitive disfunction seems to be able to be activated before she meets the terms… even though they didn’t say in the policy that 9/30 is the criteria.</p>
<p>But my point is that either she cannot feed herself!! or that the impairment is such that she needs help, especially since it won’t ever get any better (will get worse, sigh). </p>
<p>AND one of the “reasons” for denial of claim was that “A written plan of care should be in place.” YES, and I GAVE them the forms and THEY are supposed to give ME the written plan of care. Double standard much? grrrr</p>
<p>So anyway, has anyone gotten a claim to work before your parent was bedridden and drooling? (which is about what they seem to require). If you have, how did you accomplish it if you don’t mind sharing?</p>
<p>I’m very interested in hearing about this also.</p>
<p>My MIL is amazing. Most of her sibs died of heart disease, she went on a low-fat, vegetarian diet sixteen years ago when she had a minor heart attack (no heart attack is minor). DH had started Ornish the year before when he had his heart attack. </p>
<p>She is now 87 - check her out. </p>
<p>[Lil</a> on rowing machine - YouTube](<a href=“Lil on rowing machine - YouTube”>Lil on rowing machine - YouTube)</p>
<p>The frustration you wrote about regarding long term care policies is one of the main reasons we refused to purchase one, even tho H’s employer (the fed govt) was promoting it. I went to speak with MetLife, the preferred provider and asked them many questions point blank and they agreed with my perceptions about coverage. It’s very helpful if you’re paralyzed (stroke) or had extremely high levels of mental incapacity, not so helpful if you just need help for many other things, like shopping, cooking, etc. We decided to save for ourselves as best we can so we can hire the help we need as we choose.</p>
<p>My aunt had lung cancer and tho she paid under her policy for decades, she didn’t qualify for benefits until the last month of her life. She COULD, very, very slowly and painfully perform activities of daily life, but having someone to help her would have made a huge difference in quality of life in the year after she was diagnosed until she died. If she hadn’t paid out all that money in premiums, she could have hired someone to be there to help her instead. They still had to fight to get her help at the end.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the business of insurance companies (LTC, health) is to pay out as little as possible. Then they make it as difficult as possible to appeal, especially when people are least able to negotiate the appeal process.</p>
<p>Sorry, I don’t have experience with LTC insurance. By the time my mother would’ve considered getting it, she would’ve been uninsurable.</p>
<p>My parents have a LTC policy … and my Mom has been in assisted living for 3 years now … and the policy has paid $150k so far … without it she would not have moved to LTC … it’s been a godsend.</p>
<p>My dad has advanced Parkinsons and, thank goodness, a LTC policy. He had to get clarification from his primary physician and neurologist about his ADL (activities of daily living) performance. It was pretty easy to get approval because at this point, the only thing he could do unassisted was feed himself. It seems to me that using the ADL benchmarks seems to favor those with movement disorders. In our case, this is a good thing. However, I do know families dealing with cancer, etc. that can’t use their LTC benefits because, in spite of the fact that they are very sick and frail, they are still able to perform those ADLs. There has got to be a more fair way to assess the decline of the elderly and their ability to take care of themselves.</p>
<p>My 94 1/2 year old mother passed away last Thursday. She was hospitalized with a C Diff infection, battled dehydration, rapid heart rate and increased BP, congestive heart failure, pneumonia and finally GI bleeding. The stress of the infection was just too much for her worn out body.</p>
<p>With our parents, we all know that ‘one of these days’ will one day become ‘the day’, but it is still so very sad.</p>
<p>My mother gave me a day I will carry with me until MY dying day. On the 12th day of her hospitalization, I got a call from the nurse at 6 am. She said my mother had been uncomfortable all night, she was asking for me, she was tired, and she wanted to go home. I threw on some clothes and headed into the hospital with my DH (who is her physician). When I walked in the door my mother said, “Midwest Parent, I am ready to die”. In a stunned state I said, “Alright then, we will help you.” I should mention here that in her long, long life (where she experienced horrible sciatic pain, a cerebral hemorrhage, etc.) she had never uttered those words. I sat with her for the next 12 hours while she went about the business of dying. We were in the throes of a big snowstorm here in the midwest, so the hospital was very quiet. The staff removed the IVs, oxygen, tight TED hose, etc. to make her as comfortable as possible. My husband ordered the oral liquid medications she would need to make her comfortable. I help her hand and we occasionally talked back and forth until she was no longer responding. The snow softly fell and we had a CD of harp music playing. Such a gift.</p>
<p>What company do you have for LTC? Feel free to PM me, if you prefer.</p>
<p>MidwestParent- so sorry for your loss. I also understand your gratitude for being able to share that experience with her. It is somehow transforming, even in the midst of grief. She was blessed to have you. Take good care of yourself.</p>
<p>MidwestParent, I am sorry for your loss.
Yes, it is a gift to be present with a loved one at the end of their life.
And it was a gift you gave by your response, ‘alright then, we will help you’.</p>
<p>MidwestParent–your story made me cry. What a blessing to be able to help your mother transition peacefully.</p>