Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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901

<p>The GFG would just old towels be low enough to not cause a tripping hazard? Or a fleece type blanket that can be washed?</p>

<p>I wanted to also follow up on a question I had asked a bit back, about how to get your aging relative to let you help them. My MIL was fighting everything: chair lift, medic alert necklace, even an electric stove to replace her gas one (she wears O2 all the time: “I’ll just heat things in the microwave”)</p>

<p>I got some good advice which was to back off. She apparently has a problem thinking of her son as an adult with responsible ideas and she does not want any suggestions made to her. So we have told her that if she needs a chairlift/aide/device, etc we are ready to help her and we plan to try to stay quiet until then. It’s been a little bit of a relief to not be fighting with her. Our only concern is if something does happen we don’t want people saying, “how could the kids ket her stay alone in that house??”</p>

902

<p>MidwestParent, I just saw the account of your mother’s passing. Please accept my condolences, and also my thanks. I hope you are comforted by the gift of peace you gave your mother.</p>

903

<p>TheGFG, have you looked at disposable underpads? You can find them on Overstock for <$50 for 150 (and some cases of 300 for not much more.) Maybe putting double sided tape on the back would help the edges to lay flat and still be easy to remove when it’s time to change them.</p>

904

<p>Surfcity, you are wise to back off after being clear that you are ready to help at HER direction. Don’t worry about others. Focus on your relationship and letting mom know you are her ALLY. </p>

<p>There are quite a few O2 users who cook regularly with gas. It’s important to be sure the tubing has no slack in it. I also feel it is safer to have the tubing run down the patient’s back instead of the front. It tends to get in the way less. Her doc, O2 provider Co, and respiratory therapist can provide more tips. There is a toll-free COPD information line which is a service of COPD Foundation that can provide more help to you and her. It’s staffed by COPD patients and caregivers. They have lots of resources on living actively and independently. She may also find out about support groups in her area.</p>

<p>The number is 1-866-316-COPD (2673). Good luck!</p>

905

<p>DH and I lived the “how could her kids let her stay alone at that house” with MIL. It was a blessing that she broke her hip because she flat out refused to do anything about moving out, keeping any help I got for her. Short of abducting her and not letting her home, which was pretty much what we did, but the broken hip gave us the reasonable cause, we couldn’t do anything. Yeah, she was not doing what she was supposed to do, but frankly, she’d lived that way for at least 30 years. What was considered her business as to how she lived when she was 50 and 60 years old, become an issue when she was in her 70s. With someone as highly eccentric, incompetent, foolish and lazy as she was, it was difficult to tell when she had crossed the line of competency. Even now, she can sustain a 15 minute conversation many times and seem to be perfectly fine. Sometimes longer. </p>

<p>Sometimes you gotta do some things, like disable the gas or the stove when the situation is just plain too dangerous. My MIL was using plug 2 to 3 prong adapters for some serious things that were downright dangerous in an old house with questionable electric. I had her electrician fix some and disable a bunch of others while she was there because I didn’t want any problems there . I take the knobs off of my range which is a pain and hide them here at my house because I don’t want her turning on the gas stovetop. The hot water is set so she can’t scald herself. I never “armed” our burgular system because it is such a pain, but now with her, I do, because I am nervous about her wandering out. She went out into the garage one cold winter day–would have never guessed she’d leave the house in cold weather and sat in the car. If she’d gone out on the deck or out front instead, and slipped and fell with the temps as low as they were, she could have been in trouble as she wasn’t wearing a coat, just indoor clothes. </p>

<p>Some things like the chair lift are not that important. My MIL hates using the one we got her, and good for her! But things like gas, electric, I don’t fool around with.</p>

906

<p>There are true heroes, however unsung and unsought, on this thread.</p>

<p>GFG- My mother had lung cancer as well. I wonder if one of the textured desk chair carpet mats (not disposable), but harder and wipeable with a lip edge that is gradual would protect the floor and not be a tripping hazard. In my experience with an elder likely to trip, anything that can compress, wrinkle and trip will do just that. A commode is the best solution as night time accidents on the way to the bathroom are extremely common. If it proves that the commode is not a safe option, that may dictate what makes sense going forward. With the likely weakness of both the broken hip and the cancer, night time diapers may also help everyone get some rest. Do they have any help at home?</p>

<p>We can only do what we can do, though I do believe that the solution has to make some sense for all who are part of it.</p>

907

<p>Putting down vinyl on the floor might be the way to go. My MIL uses a walker and a wheel chair depending on how she is feeling and we took out the carpeting in her room. We did have a bedside commode for a while, but she wasn’t even able to make there when she had to go; it took her too much time to get up and to it. I suggest a bed pan. </p>

<p>The bed MIL uses has a vinly covered mattress–it’s a hospital bed with a trapezet to help her get up which she no longer needs. She does have a mattress cover over it and then a loose pad that one can get at CVS strategically under her… If there is a problem, and it’s late at night, I just use an inexpensive comforter over the mattress and another as her cover. A comforter sandwich. I have a huge supply left of them since I had bed wetters for many years with all of my boys and all kinds of thing would happen with flus and accidents at times in the night, when one does not feel like making a bed the traditional way. My kids did not have hospital beds or vinyl coated mattresses, so I would buy the vinyl encasement and put their mattresses in them and then put a padded mattress cover over that for comfort reasons. Then make the bed and, yes, used pads. But for a quick bed make at 3 AM, the comforter sandwich was the way to go. I’ve had the “pee monsters” in my house for years so MIL’s urinary incontinence at night is no big deal to me.</p>

908

<p>Cpt- my neighbor’s Mom lives in Montana, she went for a walk one evening, just wanted to get out of the house. She uses a walker. It was 14 degrees out! Not good.</p>

909

<p>I know. I’m still surprised she did this. She’s always complaining how cold it is in our house, though I keep it warmer than I ever have with the two mothers here. Too warm for me. Getting her out to go somewhere is difficult these days because she hates the cold so. But she was under the delusion that DH, who wasn’t even home then, told her to get into the car, so she did so. Thankfully we have an attached garage with two rooms over it, and very good quality garage doors so it does not get below the mid 40s in there despite how cold it gets outside. She had no coat on. I was home but upstairs in the office and did not know she had gone out. Found her sitting in the car waiting for her son to take her somewhere!</p>

910

<p>Cpt- Sorry to hear what you are navigating. That kind of confusion puts care givers on the front lines. Would it help to put alarms or high locks on exterior doors and doors to the garage?
So much to structure your home around every day.
Best to your family.</p>

911

<p>TheGFG, both of my parents have now transitioned to Depends at night, after numerous “accidents” and a real accident, my mom breaking her leg in the bathroom at 2am. I read somewhere that seniors are more likely to fall at night in the bathroom than any other time/place, and those brittle bones just aren’t a good combination with all those hard surfaces. :frowning: The overnight diaper saves the bedding and the flooring and more importantly, keeps Mom & Dad safe in bed.</p>

912

<p>Fortunately my house is fully wired and has an alarm system that we don’t use. I’m home a lot as I work only part time at the home on aproject by project basis, and we have a lot of traffic coming in and out of our driveway with all the kids I have and their friends, plus the woman who comes to help my MIL and do some house work several times a week. Always cars in the driveway, plus neighbors that are at home and aware, as well as dog that scares most people, so we did not engage our system as there is so much going in and out. Clearly, that is going to have to change. i’ve already had our system set so that there will be an internal alarm when any doors going out are opened. Really something I should have had set all along. This way, I’ll know immediately if someone opens any of those doors. The dog always raises a ruckus when anyone approaches the house whether it is one of us or a stranger as he is very attuned to people entering his “turf”, but he does not react to anyone leaving the house. From where my office sits, I can hear the front door opening, but that’s it. The kitchen and family room doors to the deck and the door to the garage are too far away for me to hear anyone opening and the dog won’t react to anyone inside going out. The other issue is the basement door as I don’t want her going down there, and I can’t hear here her doing that. The problem is that with all the traffic in this house, the alarms will be going off all of the time. I don’t want to do anything that takes a lot of work to maintain because it just won’t happen, and I don’t want to risk other’s safety. If they HAVE to leave the house, they should be able to do so quickly, in the event of a fire, for example. </p>

<p>She went upstairs a month ago which shocked all of us too, as she hates to walk and complains about the few stairs she has to take to get to the car in the garage. Clearly, she is far more mobile than she says she is, something we’ve known, but thought that because she hates to move around much, we were safe from her wandering. Nope.</p>

913

<p>Lasma, my MIL wears Depends, but only because of leakage. The idea of deliberately “going” in them would so upset her. But she just can’t get up and even to a commode right next to her bed in time. </p>

<p>It’s a very sad thing that this bodily function now takes up so much of her day. Getting to the bathroom and then cleaning herself up afterwards.I am not exaggerating when I say she spends about 3-4 hours a day doing this. And I’m grateful she does it herself. If I’m up and hear her, I’ll slip her the bed pan immediately and save her the trouble. She talks to herself the instant she awakens, and I am a night owl and can hear her most of the time, so it’s not been a huge problem but one I see coming up. It’s as good as it gets right now.</p>

914

<p>cpt, I think Mom still tries to make it to the bathroom despite the Depends, but Dad often doesn’t. I think one of the ways his body is breaking down is that he doesn’t get much warning, or doesn’t recognize the signals. He often can’t make it in time, so a lot of times he doesn’t try.</p>

<p>I so know what you mean about toileting becoming a major time-consumer. My mom isn’t quite at the 3-4 hour mark, but I’d bet she spends at least 2 hours a day on it.</p>

<p>This brings to mind something my brother said recently which I found myself guiltily agreeing with, kind of. It sounds awful, but I think this group might understand. He said, “We’re told if take good care of ourselves, exercise, watch our diets, take our medicines, we could live to 80 or 90. THIS is what we have to look forward to?? To hell with the gym, bring on the double cheeseburgers!”</p>

915

<p>Thanks for the input, everyone. LasMa, she actually broke her hip coming back from the bathroom at 2 AM, after bumping into the furniture and falling.</p>

<p>I went out to buy some Depends for her on my last visit, because she had had a diarrhea attack ten minutes after I had just bathed her and helped her dress in brand new clothes I bought (all her stuff was so old and stained it was mortifying). I couldn’t imagine my father dealing with a mess like that on top of everything else. The good thing was the visiting nurse showed up right then, and as a result put in a request for a home health aide. So today the aide came and bathed my mother, which is a comfort to me since I live too far away to go there often and do it. What is so scary about all this, is that most of her current problems are not directly cancer-related, thought probably related to the treatment. She got so frail that the the oncologist stopped the targeted therapy temporarily so she could recover some strength. She has deteriorated much faster than we anticipated.</p>

916

<p>My MIL did not take care of herself. She ate terribly though was always obsessed with different homeopathic regiment, and good nutrition. She weighed 300 lbs at my age and always blamed in on thyroid and other issues that no doctor could find. She did not exercise much at all and counted her steps to anywhere. Pretty apparent that her knees’ deterioration was due to weight. A lot of her problems were. There are quite a few in her famly who are still driving, in good health, continent, living active lives in their 90s. MIL lived pretty much as a hermit in a broken down, packed old house. Was considered a kook by her all who knew of her. She had had problems for a long time, and now after living here , she has halved her weight and is healthier overall. But dementia has set in. That really is her big problem. But still she can pretty much take care of herself most of the time, and due to her eccentricities, the demential is not so striking, which was a huge problem as DH could not, would not acknowledge it. I can’t even say when she crossed the line, ti was so subtle. </p>

<p>My mother’ main problem is COPD and being way too skinny. SHe has had eating disorders ever since I could remember. The two elderly women are like Jack Spratt and his wife. My mother looked like one of the Biafran posterchildren when she came here. We’ve got her weight up a bit and stabilized. </p>

<p>So the seeds of destruction were in both women for a long time. I think that one’s worst traits, at best, are what come out as one ages. There are the curve balls of dementia, senility, disease,breakdown that also can hit any of us, but a lot of issues are those that were long coming and could have been foreseen and maybe prevented or mitigated, had they been addressed sooner. </p>

<p>One slows down usually in old age, and sleeping more is not a big deal, IMO, and there are many things one can do to continue to ehjoy life. The time MIL spends in the bathroom is not really such an issue with me. What else does she have to do? I want her to continue to focus on this as it will be a problem when she no longer does. </p>

<p>The kids and my DH really enjoy her company most of the time and she likes just being with them. Me, not so much, she never particularly like me, nor I, her. But over the years we have come to care about each other, and I am glad she is safe here. She should have come sooner when she could have participated more, gotten an apartment near by. There was plenty of time when that would have been possible.</p>

917

<p>Cpt, I agree that one’s worst traits are what comes out as one ages. I definitely saw this in my MIL who had stage 4 lung cancer and Alzheimer’s. I’m also noticing this with my mom. Her stubborn streak has become a huge problem for me. I finally had to make the decision to back off for my own mental health. She was literally driving me crazy.</p>

<p>TheGFG, I actually know someone in their 50’s who broke their leg when they tripped going to the bathroom at night. But it can be devastating when elderly people break a hip.</p>

<p>When my MIL was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, the oncologist predicted she would not live much longer than 6 months. She decided to forgo chemo, but had a partial lobectomy. She ended up living 3 years. Her quality of life was good up until the last month.</p>

918

<p>Cpt, your MIL sounds so much like mine, except that mine is not at the dementia stage yet. So true that the seeds of destruction are sown much earlier. </p>

<p>I hate the “how could her children let this go on” question. My aunt said something like this to me a few years ago, in the context of my parents’ excessive drinking, which was leading to all kinds of accidents and other problems. “I ask myself, ‘Where are their children?’” I don’t know what on earth she expected me to do. They were adults, they had been drinking like that since I was a child, they were legally competent to make their own decisions, even if their decisions were terrible ones. I don’t know if my aunt thought I was supposed to move to Philadelphia and accompany my parents to the bars every night to make sure they got home safely . . . .?</p>

<p>Same with my MIL; we don’t have any control over her and very little influence. She’s irrational (as she’s been all her life) but not at all demented. I’m positive her life would be better in every way if we could get her out of her apartment and into assisted living, but we can’t force that. I assume one day she will break her hip and that will force the issue.</p>

919

<p>This is my first time coming to this thread. I hope what I have to say here wasn’t written here before as I would hate to bore you all with old information. I didn’t take the time to read all the old posts.</p>

<p>I took my 85 year old mom to the opthamologist this morning for her yearly exam. She has a history of glaucoma and is blind in one eye and partially in the other. She is also severely hearing impaired from advanced otosclerosis that began in her teens. A few years back she mentioned that she often hears a man talking on a radio or TV at night. At other times she may hear a symphony or a man or choir singing (usually the Battle Hymn of the Republic-we have had some good laughs over this!). My mother is not at all demented or psychotic. I am a speech pathologist and I didn’t remember ever studying such a thing. I asked the audiologist about it and she looked at me like I was nuts as well. I told her I had found some information on the internet about the brain “filling in” when it is sensory deprived, but she had never heard of such a thing. </p>

<p>Today while driving to the doctor’s my mom told me she was seeing all these “tall buildings” and even a church steeple-we were on a rural road. I could hardly wait to look it up on my phone after checking at the registration desk. I felt certain it had to be related to being visually sensory deprived, as with the auditory “issues”. I didn’t have to look too hard to see an article about CHARLES BONNET SYNDROME. I mentioned it to the doctor and he stated that he has quite a few patients with the diagnosis. It is not related to dementia or psychosis at all. I have worked in hospitals, nursing homes and in home care. I have never heard of such a thing. </p>

<p>I am determined to make this known to the public so that others are not wrongly assumed to have dementia or mental disorders. At least one article stated that it is believed this occurs in ~10% of the sensory deprived population, but only one precent of the people report it as they are afraid to have others think they are crazy. </p>

<p>Do any of you have knowledge or experience with this?</p>

920

<p>[Amazon.com:</a> Hallucinations (9780307957245): Oliver Sacks: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Hallucinations-Oliver-Sacks/dp/0307957241/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1362190727&sr=8-1&keywords=oliver+sacks]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Hallucinations-Oliver-Sacks/dp/0307957241/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1362190727&sr=8-1&keywords=oliver+sacks)</p>

<p>Oliver Sacks has a book on this very topic! Just discovered it on Amazon before wandering on over here. Coincidence =).</p>

<p>“Have you ever seen something that wasn’t really there? Heard someone call your name in an empty house? Sensed someone following you and turned around to find nothing? Hallucinations don’t belong wholly to the insane. Much more commonly, they are linked to sensory deprivation, intoxication, illness, or injury…”</p>