<p>Good luck to you, psychmomma. It takes alot of patience to deal with a parent with dementia. My mother usually repeats the same tape over and over (how’s DH, how’s the boys, how’s the weather, when’s bingo), other than when she’s discussing her death apparently. I’ve gotten used to it over the years, but DH and my sons find it amusing that they have to answer the same questions over and over. They see her alot less frequently than I do, so they can find it amusing.</p>
<p>It will definitely take a precipitating event to get my in-laws into AL, where they should have been for the past ten years. Every time the caller ID shows their number, a small part of me expects “the phone call” about a stroke, car, accident, broken hip, etc. I am so grateful that my mom downsized, got into a one level place near us with wide doors, grab rails, etc., and has clear plans and instructions regarding finances, last illness, etc. With the in-laws, when the time comes, we will be facing EVERYTHING at once (precipitating event, falling down around them hoarder stuffed home, whatever new living arrangements will need to be put in place, etc.) from a thousand miles away with two full time jobs. The scenario will play out very differently depending on which one suffers first. It will be much harder on MIL if FIL has a health event or dies first. I try not to worry about things over which I have no control, but I admit to having some anger at them for not being responsible about the situation. I know I must sound unkind, but they have been very critical and selfish to me and my children over the years and have an attitude that H should take care of all this stuff for them. Venting over…
My attitude is in stark contrast to so many of you lovingly caring for your parents, even having them move in. I did loving care for my dad before he died (after a long and horrible progressive illness) and WILL lovingly care for my mom, but my in-laws seem to bring out my worst traits!</p>
<p>Everyone handles the aging of their parents very differently, depending on family dynamics and the situation. I sat back and let my H handle the decline of his parents and he is doing the same as my mother declines. My role was and his role is at this time, to be supportive and keep things running smoothly at our own house. This has worked out for us mostly. We have brought my mom into our home to recuperate from broken bones, but this time we knew we were in it for a longer term and didn’t feel that our home would be the best place for her. After she broke her hip, my brother was sure that she would go straight into independent living and therefore only visited those places. But the rehab insisted she go into assisted living and we’ve been take aback about how well she fits in there mentally and physically. My brother especially has been in denial about her decline. It’s now obvious that she was struggling mightily to hold her world together.</p>
<p>DH and I both felt that my FIL should’ve been in AL for awhile, but my BIL and SIL, as well as FIL himself, didn’t. BIL and SIL had no interest in what I could offer based on my experience with my mother, so I stayed out of it. By the time BIL and SIL were in agreement that AL would be best for FIL, it was too late. In a brief 5 week time period, he was hospitalized, sent to rehab, and they were looking for nursing homes instead. FIL actually died in rehab and never made it to AL or a nursing home. </p>
<p>It is a rare parent who willingly goes to AL (mine didn’t), but they usually adjust and eventually may thrive there. I gave my mother the choice of which AL she moved to, but I couldn’t give her the choice of AL or stay at home. She was the only one who thought she could still handle living on her own; nobody else did.</p>
<p>Psych, you will have more control with your Mom in your house, if she write a check to a magazine or charity, you can “take the mail down” to the box and not mail it if fighting it is not working. You can also give her a small amount of funds in the one account to which she has access (meaning her name is on it) to reduce the chances to be scammed when you are not looking.</p>
<p>Yes, that’s very true somemom. We’ve already discussed which charities are legit (if I can trust the BBB?) and which are not. I honestly think a lot of her donations were substitutions for having people around her. She lived alone many more years than I thought she should. I had siblings who didn’t want to make her mad at them in the early years, so the hoarding got worse and worse and her house became just… indescribable. Eventually they came around, but even when we would clean things up, they would immediately deteriorate. Preironic worded it perfectly: “It’s now obvious that she was struggling mightily to hold her world together.” Oh is that sooo true.</p>
<p>mnmom, don’t be hard on yourself for being “unkind.” I think most of us here have had feelings of anger and resentment toward our parents at times. I’ll even admit that once in a while, when we’re having a particularly rough patch, I think “Why are you hanging on so long??” I don’t like those thoughts, but they’re there and there’s no point in denying them. I try to let them flow out, and forgive myself, knowing that I’m only human and I’m doing good for them even when I’m not feeling it.</p>
<p>As they say in my church, real love isn’t a feeling. It’s an action.</p>
<p>I think a common thread here is how hard people hold on to their independence. Even though our parents promise us to tell us when they need help, they don’t. When they promise to tell us when they have trouble driving and they think it’s time to give up the keys, they don’t. When they promise to move some place where life is easier for them, they won’t. When the time actually comes, they are either incompetent or too scared to make those decisions. I’m trying to take away a lesson from this. Some lucky people have parents who put plans into action when they were much younger and I’m learning that I need to get my act together both for my sake and my son’s sake. It’s selfish and short sighted to not do so. But will I? I hope so.</p>
<p>Psych, the year my Dad died, after Mom’s income was cut significantly, she gave double the charitable giving of the prior year. I found out at tax time the subsequent year when she gave me a list of 60+ charities to whom she had sent checks. Not scammed, it just made her feel good to help people who needed help. Yet she takes satisfaction in cutting out grandkid birthday and Christmas gifts as they become adults. I think she likes giving to those she perceives as truly needy. I instructed her to give to whomever she pleases, but total no more than 10% of her income. Then she can do 2 special charities or 100 $25 checks, whatever she wants. </p>
<p>We also did the catalog thing and have majorly reduced the amount of junk mail, though Dad, dead for many years, is still getting lots!</p>
<p>Preironic- I agree that planning and an ability to be flexible in response to changing realities is key. If one can trust their loved ones, even if judgment is waning, then the right path can emerge. My mother has been gone for 7 years and my father is pushing 90 with moderate dementia in a skilled nursing situation. I have been their sole point person for support and logistics management; what an education! I have learned that planning and being direct with your family is the greatest gift you can give them. I didn’t have to second guess my decisions about my mother’s end of life care, because I knew what she would have wanted. We talked about it all, in general and much more specifically after her poor health became a terminal diagnosis. </p>
<p>I have seen many “exits” up close, including those of my too young peers. What a difference it makes to try to own one’s process and priorities, thereby fortifying loved ones through the hardest times. It seems that some elders are “with the program” in an ongoing way, including in advance of specific needs or changes, some get on board once they face new challenges and others fight and deny right up until the end. I really feel for people who wind up in over their heads with elder care, due to resistance, lack of resources and the difficulty of saying “sorry, this has to work for me and my family also”. I am trying to be pro-active with my family on some of these fronts. It is one thing to know who you hope to be as you age and perhaps another to know for sure who you actually will be.</p>
<p>It’s difficult to know exactly WHEN to make which changes, I think. I am amazed by people still in excellent health who move to retirement villages or condos. They cost a fortune and I wonder how people can afford to live there…and still have enough for when they truly need assisted living or have heavy medical expenses.</p>
<p>OTOH, other people stay in their own homes long past the time when their children are sick of coming over (sometimes from long distances) to deal with every little thing. </p>
<p>It would be ideal if declines were slow and predictable, wouldn’t it? Just circle the date on the calendar by which you need to be out of your home. Try not to break a hip on the way out. <em>rolleyes</em></p>
<p>Good news here–DH’s family home has SOLD and he can get out of the landlord business. Need to empty some stuff still…photo albums…and figure out what to do with it.</p>
<p>Yes, travelnut, even when things are pretty well planned, it can be derailed so easily. Mom did a lot to prepare and most days is OK with being in AL although she still is saying she will get out. I think if she admits she never will get out, she will die of depression. But most days when she doesn’t think of it she is having a good time socializing and being waited on. Still sad though.</p>
<p>Today was hard. It was the first time since I got the actual temporary guardianship that I had to just over rule her. She went in and ordered new lower dentures just because she wanted them and because the current ones dont fit well. But the current ones are less than a year old and don’t fit because they had temporary lining in them, waiting for the upper dentures to be in place. I thought it was all OK and I’d set it up when I was there last month, but she went ahead and changed it. It is $500 difference and the dentist assured me that nothing is the matter with the lower denture, it just needs permanent lining. So tomorrow I have to tell Mom she was over ruled. I am not certain how to do it, but I think she’ll agree because she is still very convincible to whoever she talks to. </p>
<p>Lawyer FINALLY got eviction note sent to handyman. I’ll have to go to OR for court the day before my Dad flies in to get his eyes worked on here. gak. My bro can’t go because his soon-to-be SIL (july wedding) is graduating that weekend and the family was requested to attend. He doesn’t like the guy much, which is sad, but no excuse not to go try.</p>
<p>There’s nothing like dealing with elderly parents/friends to make one examine one’s own plans for growing old and make sure everything’s in place. DH and I are going to revisit long term health insurance this month.</p>
<p>Can anyone recommend a phone? I need to get my elderly friend a new one with a base unit and a separate handset. She can keep the handset near her on the couch so she doesn’t have to get up to answer the phone on her desk. I need one that has good volume control (she’s very hard of hearing) and large numbers for dialing. I’ll google this when I have time, but would appreciate if anyone can point me to phones that you’ve had good experiences with.</p>
<p>Vballmom-- found this on a quick google search. [Cordless</a> Phones For Seniors - Amplified, Easy-Read for Elderly](<a href=“http://www.parentgiving.com/shop/cordless-phones-for-seniors-623/c/]Cordless”>Cordless Phones For Seniors)</p>
<p>I would love to find a house for DH and me that is one level – that is a biggie for me. A single level, 2,000 sq ft house w/small yard would be perfect. Unfortunately, almost all houses around here are multilevel because the lots are so expensive. I’d even be OK with a two level townhouse if there were a BR and bath on the main level in case one of us can’t do stairs. </p>
<p>My parents are in a split level and will not move – and my mom is totally bedridden with no safe way out of the house. Scares the *%$# out of me. We begged them to move years ago when my mom was still mobile, and they refused, even when a house down the street was available.</p>
<p>CountingDown thanks so much for the link, the amplified phones are exactly what I was looking for.</p>
<p>Years ago, mom got herself a free cordless phone from some organization in the bay area. vball, you may want to look into it.</p>
<p>Speaking of AL, we looked into it for a long time and did not feel comfortable in any of the bay area AL facilities, especially when some one needs to be spoon feed and bed laden. There is no facility can provide service to some one like my mom who’s swallowing is impaired and it takes 2 hours to feed a meal. We decided to do ourselves at home with 24/7 caregivers.</p>
<p>I haven’t read everything in this thread and just dip into it from time to time so don’t know if anyone’s already mentioned an excellent article in The Atlantic, May 2013 by Jonathan Rauch “How Not to Die” which describes some of the work of Dr Angelo Volandes. Many of us are struggling to find the best of often a variety of less than ideal options for the elderly in our lives, trying to make sense of conflicting information about the “right” course of action and attempting to balance logistics and humanity without really knowing what we’re doing. I think this article offers a helpful perspective.</p>
<p>Forgive me, I shall add that cordless phone is designed for hearing impaired. It has amplified volume control both on the base station with speaker and on the phone with speaker and ear phone. The ring tone is so loud with flash lights that you can hear or see it two doors down…</p>
<p>Onetogo2- thanks for bringing that article to our attention. It really speaks to how access to information can make a difference in end of life care and how infrequently “the conversation” takes place. I think that families can often impact their access to this type of discussion by asking questions that give the care providers “permission” to share their perceptions and expectations of how things would unfold, comparing options and likely outcomes depending upon intervention/non-intervention selected. It is not uncommon that decisions are made one at a time, without the context vital for a fuller understanding of the implications. Best to all- it is challenging.</p>
<p>Re prolonged end-of-life care: An acquaintance who is 85 or so is in a nursing home with dementia and other issues is now sleeping most of the time and can’t feed herself. Her sister (who is older still but no dementia) wants a feeding tube to be put in “so she won’t starve to death.” I have no influence over this situation but am looking on in horror. I see a woman who is ready to leave this world and think artificial feeding is the last thing she needs.</p>
<p>Just another example.</p>