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<p>Yup … for an 82 year old my dad is doing pretty well … but also developing strange habits. He has 5-6 places he stages particular recycling items in the house … newspaper in this pile, magazines in this pile, loose paper in this bag, etc. These then move to a variety of staging areas in the garage. Then ultimately they all get thrown into the same bin and put out next to the curb. Strange indeed … but certainly not a topic worthy of trying to intervene.</p>
<p>Simpkin, I have the same sentiments about my demise. I DO NOT WANT TO BE KEPT ALIVE. Seeing what my parents are going through has only served to cement this idea. I’ve been harping on this to the other three members of my family (H and two Ds) relentlessly this summer, to the point where the issue may become moot…because they will kill me first! LOL</p>
<p>WNP2, I was thinking about you yesterday as I drove by your parents’ residence. I hope all went well.</p>
<p>To everyone else, is it normal to delay calling my parents to check in on them? I haven’t spoken to them in 4 or 5 days, and I’m afraid to call. It seems that every time I call I learn of a new issue. I know I should…okay…getting ready to make that phone call.</p>
<p>This is something else I don’t want my children to go through. That stage of life between being independent, and qualifying for nursing home care, can be quite challenging. There are so many decisions to make.</p>
<p>My husband and I have had many conversations related to quality of life after watching my FIL suffer. His quality of life diminished significantly during his last year of life. He did not have an advanced directive and he and his wife had never discussed his wishes. So, since she was not at all ready to say goodbye, she did what she wanted which was to keep him alive at all costs since he might, maybe recover. She refused to see (until very near the end when it because extremely obvious) that there was no reasonable hope of recovery.</p>
<p>Neither my H or I want that for ourselves. It is just so sad.</p>
<p>On the issue of driving, I happened to be at the DMV yesterday. Ahead of me in line was a very old couple both of them with canes and shaking with Parkinson’s like symptoms. The man was renewing his driver’s license. The clerk kept asking him for the car’s registration and he kept handing her his license. He didn’t seem to be understanding the difference. Finally, the wife seemed to understand and they both hobbled back to their car to get it. For once, I felt sorry for a DMV clerk, but I don’t suppose their is anything she could have done to prevent this guy from renewing his license.</p>
<p>Update (and thanks to those who sent encouraging words) on mom’s move to assisted living. And I apologize for the very long post - feel free to skim :)</p>
<p>Things went better than I had hoped on moving day. I was glad I had spent as much time as I did figuring out which furniture would fit and how to have it arranged. This may sound unimportant, but the more the new little place looked familiar, the better mom seemed. </p>
<p>So - tip #1 - scout out the new place and only bring things you know will fit. It would have been upsetting to mom to have to remove an item once it was there. Better to leave something behind and arrange to bring it later.</p>
<p>I wrote up a report on mom. We had been interviewed by the social worker, but my report was a little broader, but at the same time added some specific details of her needs and strengths. I got a call from social director and the charge nurse and they were very, very appreciative. They said it would avoid a lot of the guessing that they usually do the first few weeks. The social director said that there is never any need to schedule playing charades - they do it routinely with residents. </p>
<p>Tip #2 - write up something about your parent. Personalize them, help someone else see their essence and also help them to anticipate their needs. </p>
<p>One thing I realized last night. I don’t even know if I can type the words. As mom has declined and become more confused, I know that I am the light of her life. She immediately knows the sound of my voice, she spots me walking towards her place a mile away, and is at her best when I am around. I know that her cognitive capacity has diminished greatly and I am worried that as she leaves her familiar surroundings this may greatly fray that last thread to reality. I have been sort of a spiritual force that has sustained her. I feel like I have put her in a little sailboat, packed lots of essentials, kissed her, and set her off choppy waters. Maybe I have kept her in her apartment because I was afraid of losing her. </p>
<p>So, there is no turning back. I don’t think that tomorrow when I show up she won’t know me - but I do believe I have set up an irrevocable chain of events. </p>
<p>Thanks everyone for listening. I really appreciate having a place to write my feelings.</p>
<p>worknprogress- Of course you are the light of her life! And even if she reaches the point where she is no longer able to label you, she will recognize you! I used to say that the “heart knows”. My husband had become largely non communicative, didnt know anyone, but ALWAYS lit up when I came in. Grab my hand and hung on. There was an undeniable bond to the very end. Once a few weeks before he died, I was sitting beside his hospital bed and a sweet nurse came in teasing him, asked him who I was, he said “home”. So whether he or she is able to label you, you will remain the “light of her life”. This chain of events begun before you launched her, you just lovingly prepared her for the next part of her journey.</p>
<p>Hugs to you worknprogress2; you are clearly a loving and devoted adult child. I agree with sunnie - you lovingly prepared your mom for the next part of her journey.</p>
<p>Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate your reassurances!</p>
<p>wnp2, your post just brought tears to my eyes. As difficult as it is for both of you, you have made the best decision possible.</p>
<p>3togo and TatinG,
Thanks for the info on gifting. I would be stunned if there is $13k per sib in the entire estate when all is said and done. I anticipate shares for each surviving sib would be in the low-mid four figures. More likely scenario is one/both of my parents wind up on Medicaid, followed by selling their assets (primary residence, condo, house where my sister lives – but real estate prices in their area are very low and the market is crappy) to pay for Medicaid reimbursement. They have very little cash – just military pension, SS, and an IRA that has been mostly liquidated by now. No savings account or mutual funds.</p>
<p>wnp2 - You’ve done your best and that’s all you can demand of yourself. Your mother is very fortunate to have such a loving, thoughtful child. That was a great idea to give the staff a detailed description of your mother.</p>
<p>I remember when I moved my mother to assisted living and had to decide what furniture got moved with her. It wasn’t easy. It was also better for my mother to try to arrange the furniture as similarly as possible to the way she was used to it. On the other hand, she did eventually adjust to the new people and new routines. I just remember getting frequent phone calls from her during the transition.</p>
<p>WNP2:
"I feel like I have put her in a little sailboat, packed lots of essentials, kissed her, and set her off choppy waters. "
Quite the contrary, you have settled her safe and securely in a place where you can continue to be a sustaining spiritual force. The “irrevocable chain of events” have long been in play thru no power or control of your making but you have no doubt risen strongly to their many challenges and are a loving dtr. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>^^ I agree with coskat; you did the best thing, wnp2. She is no longer able to make the best decisions for herself, and she relies on you for that. You did the loving thing. Bless you!</p>
<p>WNP2- You did it- with a lot of forethought and love. Your information to the staff is meaningful and a good suggestion.</p>
<p>I understand your fears and hesitations. While everyone’s experience of cognitive diminishment is variable, your post made think about the following things I have observed supporting my elder with dementia as well as from others (YMMV):</p>
<p>-if your Mother loses her awareness of who you are, it is apt to be a function of her disease’s progression, not a result of your caring decision. Her relationship with you is poignant and whatever her capacity is or becomes, you will find your ways to sustain it.
-the structure and routine, with the reassurance that can provide, may allow her to better access her “available strengths” with less anxiety. Many in the earlier phases of dementia seem to be anxious in a general way as they sense that they are “no longer with it”. This has never been true for my parent, but I have observed it in others. I think of people facing any illness or challenge and remember what a difference appropriate support can make.
<p>That said, I share the sense of acknowledging both the magnitude of the uncertainty about the future and the recognition of the disease that is inherent in this move. If there are support groups available for relatives with dementia, you would have a lot to offer and you may find it good to hear about what others have found helpful as well. Groups aren’t for everyone, but joined at the right time, can be a good thing. As others have said, I hope you rest easier knowing that you have likely spared your mother greater difficulties. She is indeed lucky to have you there for her.</p>
<p>Mom & Dad are in assisted living and have a dog who’s been diagnosed with colitis. It can’t be cured, but is manageable – with proper care at home. Trouble is, the parents are no longer capable of being responsible pet owners, and the dog definitely isn’t getting the care he’s supposed to. The biggest problem is treat-feeding (human food). We have tried everything to get them to stop – posting signs all over the apartment, continual nagging, threatening to take the dog away, dragging them to the vet for a professional lecture, removing all food from the apartment – nothing works. They’ve shared their food with their dogs all their lives, and it’s become apparent that two late-80s with moderate dementia are simply not going to unlearn a lifelong habit. As a result, the dog is constantly sick, constantly going to the vet, and is suffering.</p>
<p>The other trouble is, my parents are in total denial and tell my long-distance brothers that the dog is doing just fine. When I try to tell them this is getting to be a big problem, I look like an alarmist at best and a liar at worst. But one brother visited them last week and was shocked at what he found. He now knows the truth and we’re both working to convince my other brother. Once they’re on board that the dog is actually very sick, we’re going to have to make a really tough decision. </p>
<p>I am an animal-lover and have always believed that a suffering animal should ALWAYS be removed (hopefully to a rescue in this case – no one in the family can take him). But now that the rubber is meeting the road, it’s not that simple. Dad’s universe revolves around this dog, and it will break his heart to lose him. </p>
<p>So leave the dog in place – the dog suffers. Remove the dog – my very fragile father suffers. </p>
<p>Just venting. There’s no good answer that I can see. But if anyone has any wisdom, I’d sure appreciate it.</p>
<p>LastMA … so sorry you’re in this position. It seems to me sandwich parenting involves a string of choices that involve two bad choices … and whatever we decide there is bad outcome … and often one which is disappointing or hurts our parents. For me it’s difficult and gut wrenching.</p>
<p>This is so hard. Whichever way this goes, there is suffering. Pets are so important. The only thing I can think of that might address this a bit is to consider whether or not your parents have enough support in assisted living to be optimizing their lives and also be safe. If they could use some “extra help” anyways (which does come with a price tag, of course), then that person could help interrupt and/or distract from the feeding of the dog when they are present. At best, this might only reduce the feeding, not eliminate it. </p>
<p>The failure of the signs, vet trips, etc (all good ideas) is important information to have as you assess your parents. It reads like they are currently incapable of understanding how their behavior compromises the dog and even that the dog is sick. Does the assisted living staff administer their medication and get into to their home regularly? I ask because there is so much variation in what assisted living offers and the way the dog issue is being processed makes me wonder if they are able to tend any of their own issues consistently (medication on time, etc). If they are also struggling to keep themselves afloat, there may be other things on the table to address that will impact all dog decisions. This is right up there with the need to be sure a parent stops driving in terms of how gut-wrenching it can be, even if it may ultimately be the right thing. Best to all of you as this gets sorted out.</p>
<p>Looking for some advice regarding changing primary care doctor for my mom. This will probably be a long post… sorry.</p>
<p>Mom has had this doctor since 2001. He always takes the time to listen to her and her complaints so I don’t have issues in this area it’s just the other things. If he was my doctor, I would have changed doctors years ago. It’s only recently that the things he’s done is bothersome. </p>
<p>We recently went on vacation- took mom to Hawaii for 10 days, stopped in California and saw family for 4 days and stopped in Las Vegas on the way home to see the Beatles Love Cirque du soleil show. Anyway, it was a busy two weeks. Mom did pretty well with all the flights, and only towards the end did we have a slight problem with her eating and upset stomach. Upon our return, she saw her doctor. Hubby was with her and the doctor didn’t have any ideas why she was feeling tired, run down, no energy, and no interest in eating. They ran some blood tests, he wouldn’t give her a B 12 shot- said to take OTC vitamins. I found out later that when she was weighed, she had lost 50 pounds in 4 months. They were supposed to reweigh her before they left but everyone forgot. This was on a Friday afternoon.</p>
<p>I called Monday left a message for the doctor to call me. No response. I call again Tuesday afternoon and get his nurse, who gets uppity with me about how come we ‘just’ noticed the weight loss. She explains that Medicare won’t pay for b12 shot unless blood work shows a deficiency and that we’ll need to bring her in for that because they didn’t do that last week. Oh and she has a high white count so we need to bring her back in. They fit her in a week later, gave her a referral to a hematologist and antibiotics. No answers for anything.</p>
<p>By the time she saw the hematologist, she wasn’t eating and he admitted her to the hospital. They found massive ulcers in her stomach. She was in the hospital for a week and sent home with more meds and a followup gi appt to check on the ulcers. </p>
<p>Two days after getting home her feet ballooned up. Took her to her doctors office, he wasn’t in so we saw his partner who made very little effort to communicate to mom. Gave her pills for edema and told her to keep her regular appt with her doctor.</p>
<p>I would love to change doctors because I don’t think she’s getting the quality care she should be getting. Her doctor isn’t bad, I think he’s just okay. Mom wants to keep him until ‘something gets bad’.</p>
<p>Sooo should I just stay out of it or look for another doctor? What would be the best way to find another doctor?</p>
<p>CHuckleDoodle</p>
<p>Here’s my 2 cents:
You are fighting a losing battle to get your mom to change doctors, so give it up.</p>
<p>The reason I say this is because we had this same issue with my inlaws doctor. This doc had my FIL on many, many medications and there were clearly problems with having him on so many drugs (side effects) and yet they refused to bring this issue up with the doc. </p>
<p>Then my FIL was hospitalized and the hosp doc removed almost all of his drugs and lo and behold, many of my FIL’s problems (like hands that shook so badly that he could no longer shave or eat neatly - this problem suddenly went away) were suddenly gone. But that wasn’t a reason to change doctors. </p>
<p>Their doctor completely missed a very serious illness that my FIL had - but that was no reason to change doctors. </p>
<p>This doc then gave him a prescription that was on the ‘not allowed’ list for my FIL - but that wasn’t a reason to leave this doctor. </p>
<p>Mistake after mistake and yet they refused to change. If you are able to convince your Mom to change - please write a book on how you did it. I think it would become a best seller. </p>
<p>Sorry if I sound so negative. I’m aiming for realism here. This was our experience.
And in the end, it just wasn’t worth arguing about as that brought about another problem - stress for all of us.</p>
<p>Chuckie! Oh my goodness, 50 pounds lost in 4 months is drastic. Your poor mom. To me, that is a huge red flag. I’d be looking for a new doctor; you can always tell your mom you’re looking for second opinions after her hospitalization.</p>
<p>FWIW, my mom has much better medical here in TN than she did in NJ. A number of factors including having all her doctors in the same hospital network/practice, with a fantastic electronic medical records system. Every doctor has complete access to all other doctors notes, testing, etc. The other big piece which I suggest everyone on this thread look into, is that my mom’s primary care physician is a Geriatric & Palliative Care specialist. She oversees all the other care mom receives, makes sure there’s no conflicts among meds, and does an overall assessment of my mom’s physical & mental well being. It’s usually a “fun” visit for my mom since she’s not the one who orders tests & bloodwork, etc. & she chats up my mom to get a sense of how she’s doing. My mom averages at least 1 doctors appt a month; there’s no way that a 50 pound loss would have gone unnoticed. </p>
<p>I’d say do a google search for geriatric palliative care specialist and your nearest cities name. Tell her that the hematologist suggested you get a consult. Not only because you don’t want your mom to suffer, but because you’ll have to deal with the fallout if you don’t.</p>
<p>I should add that my in-laws are well educated, have lived abroad and speak several languages. I think they were just change averse. Very change averse. </p>
<p>RobD, you have some good ideas but they will only work if the parent is willing to go along with the suggestions. We made all of those suggestions, but to no avail.</p>