Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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<p>I feel quite strongly that we should not prolong the body when the brain is worn out. Personally I would stop all but comfort meds and would not do feeding tubes etc. I have seen TV shows with adult kids bewailing their advanced dementia parent needing CPR etc. All I can think is “what is wrong with you?”</p>

<p>Our science can address many health issues, but not yet the mind. Sad.</p>

<p>A friend recently had to fight for a week or two to get 98 year old Grandma’s pacemaker stopped. Grandma was fading and ready to go, but it was still not easy.</p>

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<p>Why do elderly people worry excessively over every little thing? And what could I do to help?</p>

<p>I am trying to do many things long distance and I try to say “Stop worrying. All will be well”. What I am really thinking is “What difference does this concern make?” It’s trivial! </p>

<p>You’d think that at a certain age, people would gain some perspective on the bigger picture. But it seems that anxieties take over and that bigger picture never comes into focus.</p>

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<p>TatinG, I feel your frustration. I found it helps to think of life as coming full circle. We all become more childlike, physically and mentally, less capable than we were. The trouble I have is with the kids, learning to add on more responsibilities and trust that they can handle it, and with the elders slowly taking on their load when they need it.</p>

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<p>Yes, I think it is becoming more child-like and a certain panic. A loss of control. Right now I am having conversations with my mother, who is moving into assisted livng, an upgrade from a nursing home. She is worried about where to place her furniture; whether she’ll forget some item of clothing in the move; etc. My dad panicked over how to move her over, physically. Turned out there were plenty of people to help, but rather than ask, he just panicked. </p>

<p>My MIL worried over spending $95 on eye drops and not using them because they cost so much when she’s 90 years old and loaded with money. She’s still buying 30 year bonds, thinking she’ll be around when they mature! </p>

<p>It’s so difficult to reason with these anxieties.</p>

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<p>TatinG, I understand your frustration. Just a very slippery slope and seems to have only one direction. Mom worries over every penny “No I can’t get my hair done it costs too much”. But then “My dentures hurt so I ordered a new set (her old ones are just fine).” </p>

<p>I am going through with the guardianship and conservatorship for Mom. Talked to the “friend of the court” who will go talk to Mom about it. I primed her to accept it, I hope. One of the really strong reasons she needs it is that she wants to please people, so she agrees with the last person to talk to her. Right now, I don’t think there is anyone talking against me so it will probably go through.</p>

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<p>Good luck Eso. I imagine I’ll be headed down your path soon enough. ( minus the handyman thank god.)</p>

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<p>So my mom has been here 12 days. Not one sibling has asked how things are going. (They are going ok.) Today I found out that she sneaks out to get her mail when I’m gone. She leaves ours in the box. So either the letters to the sweepstakes people are helping, or mom is hoarding junk mail in her room. It would be hard to tell since she brought so much of it with her. She’s only become upset and said “it’s not worth living!” Once so far. That’s pretty good for her. She still is having problems remembering her friends’ names. That is really bugging her and I don’t know the people she is trying to remember. The latest hurdle is pouring over EOBs and bills from her hospitalization and follow up tests and gathering massive lists of 2012 donations for her taxes. The fun with paperwork never ends!</p>

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<p>psych - I am very sorry your siblings are not checking in. Very sneaky with the mail!</p>

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<p>psychmom, I cannot even imagine trying to live with someone like my mom. And she has been being pretty nice lately, but the constant reassurance and trying to dodge bullets is so tough.</p>

<p>Mommusic I helped Mom with her end of life directive. My bro had helped her fill out one before and had put YES to CPR and feeding tubes and I put NO to them. Then I registered it with the state… he had missed that step. I did say yes to antibiodics (she gets bladder infections … and reminding everyone that any infection adds to dementia symptoms) and yes to comfort drugs.
I wouldn’t stop Mom’s pacemaker for sure, but I might not let the next battery change happen. But she just had a new one installed last year so she will be good for 10 years I assume. The stopping it would be too hard I call I think, but if she was just lying, sleeping and not eating ???<br>
Mom still is up and at 'em . and looking forward to niece’s wedding this summer so I am glad she is going to be there for that actually.</p>

<p>FWIW, so far it has cost about $1000 for the lawyer to get the guardianship. I have the temporary one now, the “real” one, including conservatorship, in 30 days. I still have to pay the “friend of the court” who will interview Mom after Mom has been served her guardianship request. That will be about $250, the lady estimated. If Mom does not get any support to try to fight giving me the guardianship, I expect it will cost about $1500 - $2000 all told.</p>

<p>In the mean time, the battle with the unhandy man continues. He is fighting eviction and has increased the power bill (in Mom’s name of course) from 8 kwh a day to 55. Guess he started a marajuana farm or something. sigh. I can’t get a sherrif, or the lawyer to call me back. SO frustrating.</p>

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<p>So sorry for all your difficulties, eso, psychmom and all. </p>

<p>Eso-
Do the laws there allow you to turn off the power? Is he considered a squatter or a renter? Does it matter? It seems so unreasonable that you would have to pay the utilities, but then again the “landlord-tenant” laws probably don’t favor the “landlord”.</p>

<p>As for the guardianship, where I live the family member filed the petition for guardianship over person and/or property with the supporting documentation (usually from a physician) with the magistrate court. The courts have to look out for the best interest of the person, and are then required to arrange for the person to be seen independently by another professional, who usually does a limited cognitive screening to be sure the person isnt being taken advantage of by the petitioner. Its all part of the process… Hang in there.</p>

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<p>So sorry for all your hassles, esobay. Dealing with parents is bad enough, but you have to deal with the handyman too. </p>

<p>psychmomma - Once I took over my mother’s finances, it took several months for me to get a handle on things. There were still some surprises even years later, but after the first few months it did get alot easier.</p>

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<p>jym, OR laws are VERY tenant friendly. I even tried to ask the power company to turn it off as a health hazard/fire danger. But I had said the fatal “renter” so he said no. I am trying to get a deputy with the electrician out there. It is even harder long distance.</p>

<p>We have an eviction hearing on May 14. If “tenant” fights it, he gets to stay there while we go to trial.</p>

<p>Yes, that is the process for the guardianship here, too. I don’t have a problem with that, the problem was the lawyer doesn’t call me back…I didn’t know Mom would be “served” and I needed to prepare her, and I didn’t know that we have to pay the friend of the court, but I should have guessed that one.</p>

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<p>Hmm, can you tell the utility to turn it off, that he is not a rent paying tenant with a lease to protect him, he is a squatter. I would ask that, escalate to a supervisor and then tell them you are considering not paying any further bills after notifying them in writing about it. Who cares if Mom’s credit takes a hit, but more than that, you can say that to them, but really it is a threat to help them help you!</p>

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<p>Just keeping a good thought for everyone as they make their way through these dilemmas. Eso, how wrong is that situation? Best to all.</p>

<p>At times like this, it pays to remember to take of yourself and remember how important it is for your kids to see how it is done. In my observations, eventually, almost everyone will need some form of support and I remain convinced that as hard as it is, it is better to be one who knows how to do it.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the info, artloversplus, but my friend isn’t in the Bay Area. I wish she was. She’s a 2-hour flight away from me and a 4-hour flight from the rest of my family.</p>

<p>And speaking of flights, I’m leaving tomorrow for another visit as planned. What wasn’t planned was a call from the assisted living nurse saying that my friend is confused, disoriented and very weak. They called an ambulance and she’s now back in the hospital. Diagnosis so far is UTI, not another stroke. Didn’t someone on this thread say that UTIs are often the underlying cause for confusion?</p>

<p>DH and I just returned from a quick trip to the East Coast to visit his 95-year-old mother who is (still) hardly eating or drinking. We fed her lunch when we were there, a very slow process. Surprisingly enough, she didn’t look dehydrated or emaciated. When we arrived she looked up and said “Hi DH!” as if he’d only been away a day, not several months. She responded to the rest of the conversations that day with yes or no answers, but overall was pretty out of it. The nurse told DH that they don’t recommend IV fluids in this situation, and her advanced directive is very clear that a feeding tube is out of the question.</p>

<p>esobay I hope you can get that leech out of your house…geez, what’s wrong with people?</p>

<p>psychmomma I hope you get some support from your siblings. What about sending a group email to them with an update, along with one or two specific things that they could do to help?</p>

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<p>I went with my mother today to update her will, POA, medical directive and sign a massive number of papers. It depressed her because now things get activated only if something happens to her (my dad died in October—my story is many pages back). Lucikily my sibs have agreed to give me the POA and medical, though brother will be co-executor. I’ll deal with that when we get there. Rocky road ahead.</p>

<p>I did have “the talk” with her last week and said that if she needs a nursing home, I’ll have to move her nearer to me (30miles). Just said that I need to be able to visit and be on call immediately to be sure she gets the care she needs and I can’t do that if she gets in-home care in her home. Since she doesn’t want strangers in her home, she was fairly agreeable. Plus most of her friends are either very ill or dead, so not too much holding her there except her house.</p>

<p>Then there is the FIL. He swears he is fine and his sons agree! However, he fell in the bathroom and laid on the floor for 5 hours until his sister called and he didn’t answer. Took a 911 call to lift him up. He’s having bouts of diarrhea. He’s getting weak and isn’t eating enough. So I called him and, you guessed it, he’s fine! I told him he is not, but he wants no dr, no hospital, no help. So, my SIL and I said, unless it’s life-threatening, he can be “fine” and maybe this really is what he wants.</p>

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<p>I am so-o-o very thankful that this thread exists, and I really probably should read it a second time. My mom, age 88, is becoming the willful adolescent/toddler I never had! (DD just came home after her freshman year in college, and my biggest complaint is that she frequently leaves the light on after she leaves the room.) Talk about karma kickback. I never tolerated whining or tantrums in DD, and they drove/drive me nuts in others, so it is hard to summon patience for them in my mother. All her vitriol is saved for me, and she made it a point to tell her new doctor that “My son is the one I prefer”, as he, bless his heart said, “But your daughter is the one who brought you here, and your son lives across the country, right?”</p>

<p>My mom can no longer manage a large house, doesn’t drive, doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, short term memory is shot, gets confused, and – sound familiar? Fortunately, she is much, much, MUCH better off financially than my brother and I, and my SIL identified a great senior living facility in my mom’s city where one can stay in one’s apartment if one needs to go from IL to AL. It also has a memory care wing. And, it always has a waiting list.</p>

<p>Earlier this year, a unit opened up that met every single one of my mother’s location criteria, so she moved there in mid-February. My mother is as stubborn as they come, and by March or April she decided she wasn’t even going to try. I think she knows that if she participates in any of the activities she might like it. So now, she is talking about giving notice and moving back to her house. She wasn’t managing before, and I can just imagine an Esobay situation, to put my fears in shorthand. </p>

<p>Yes, the house is still filled to over flowing; it is hard to see that it was emptied of an apartment’s worth of stuff. I was hoping to get rid of stuff and then rent it out since my mom has sufficient liquid assets to last a number of years. We (brother, SIL & I) were hoping she would just let go of the hoarded stuff over which she has made NO headway, so I could take over. But no, she still wants to do it herself and is p.o.'d that I took about 1 - 2 closets worth of 1980s clothing to Goodwill. I still left her five stuffed closets which of course does not include her bedroom walk-in closet.</p>

<p>Thankfully, my brother and I are on the same page with respect to our mother and agree that she shouldn’t move back. She’s already fallen once since moving and they made sure she was taken to ER for stitches and an MRI. She fell the night before the movers came, she’s fallen when I’ve been there, and she’s fallen when my brother has visited and we don’t know how often she falls. She is too <em>with it</em> for me to get conservatorship at this point and probably has a lot of people fooled about the extent of her capabilities unless they deal a lot with seniors and look beyond the 15 minute visit.</p>

<p>Sorry to go on. and on. and on. I’m just so worried about what this stubborn willful teen, I mean elder, will do and that I won’t be able to stop this train wreck. With a teen/young adult, you can have them make the mistake and they will learn from it; a muddled senior no longer has that capability.</p>

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<p>CCSO- my mom is a lot like yours, only at 76. I am rediscovering the limits of my patience every day.</p>

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<p>Yes vball. Actually my mom got UTI and just stop eating or drinking. In a rush we had to send her into hospital. When she got there she was highly dehydrated and they put iv on her right away. The doctors, after extensive testing, thought her swallowing disorder was caused by her Parkinson’s advancement so they suggest hospice and we agreed. Nevertheless, it was a wrong diagnose, as soon as mom entered the hospice she start to eat and drink, it was a miracle. </p>

<p>The lesson we learned here is that UTI May cause swallowing disorder and it looks damn like the end stage of Parkinson’s.</p>

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<p>So manyof the stories here sound familiar. I moved my mother our of her NYC apartment into AL in CT closer to me almost 18 years ago. Downsizing from a 2BR to 1BR apartment meant getting rid of some stuff she didn’t need, but she still complained about what I chose to get rid of (she wasn’t there when DH and I went through her stuff before the movers came). When she went into a nursing home 6 years ago, I had to empty out her AL apartment. My mother still thinks alot more of that stuff still exists than really does. She was happy to hear I had donated stuff to needy people, but doesn’t realize how much I really donated. </p>

<p>After her move to AL, she wanted to go back to NY, but with nobody to facilitate that move for her, she was stuck in CT. I wasn’t concerned that she had the means or wherewithal to make the move back on her own, fortunately. Like many of our parents, she felt like she could handle living on her own when she really couldn’t.</p>

<p>I had to be forceful with her when she’d say she wanted to move back home. DH would ask her if she wanted to die because if she moved back home that would happen.</p>