<p>Artlover, that is very interesting. My dad (rest his soul) had Parkinson’s and lots of swallowing problems. However he also had a collapsed kidney (that’s why they give ya two was his philosophy). I wonder if there was any relationship. Mom had terrible kidney issues at the end (rest her soul as well). I am pretty sure she knew it but was ready to let nature take its course.</p>
<p>On a separate note, re/ willful adolescent type behavior. Well, when I was a kid and started to act up my mom would say, “Don’t start with me young lady.” It worked - I’d kind of snap to and “see” my behavior and stop it. I had to - she would not allow it. So, here came the day in the rehab when mom started sundowning. Panic and yelling and stuck in her own deep misery as late afternoon came on. We went through a few days of this and then I tried her own technique. As the sundown distress started, I got up close and looked her deep in the eyes and said, “Mom don’t start. It’s distressing to me and I know it’s terribly distressing to you so just don’t start with my lady, don’t start.” </p>
<p>Oh Hug - you brought tears to my eyes. Amidst all the frustration, sadness, worry, and logistical issues, I think we all just MISS our parents the way we knew them. </p>
<p>I see so much of my Dad (who died several years ago after many years of Parkinsons w/dementia) in my 15 year old that I often regret that the two of them should have/would have spent a lot of time together as two peas in a pod. </p>
<p>I know Mothers’ Day is going to be tough for many of my friends this year. Too many have lost moms recently or are struggling with caring for ailing moms. </p>
<p>Hugs and good thoughts to all dealing with these difficult issues today.</p>
<p>Shellfell, well, I am pretty sure my Mom would say yes, to do you want to go home and die if she did realize that she will be in AL the rest of her life. </p>
<p>No real news from anything. I am going up to the eviction hearing next week. Plus side is that my bro is coming and bringing my dad down and we are going to ride home together. My dad is still doing really good except his eyes and diabetes. He is coming for an eye exam. Do not ask me why my bro couldn’t take Dad to his near-by big town. But I am happy to have Dad here for a visit… the 3rd one in my 35 years of marriage. (his wife did not like to travel, now she is gone, Dad is free).</p>
<p>Haven’t checked in with this thread in a while, but I had to laugh (bitterly) at the willful adolescent/toddler comparisons as I was just thinking today that my MIL is like a toddler. I posted before about her: she is essentially homebound in a horrible, dirty apartment in a horrible building in a neighborhood that’s an hour away (up to 2 hours if the traffic is bad) from where DH and I live. Absolutely refuses to consider moving. We are willing to pay for her to live in a private apartment in a nice assisted living facility in our neighborhood, where she would have meals, company, cleaning help, and especially help for all the times when she falls and can’t get up, or pees in her bed, etc. And we could easily visit her and help her with things like errands. </p>
<p>What we’re not willing to do is drive out to see her every time she feels dizzy, or pees in the bed and needs the sheets changed, or needs to go to the ATM. And yet that’s what happens, because what else can we do? She does have aides a few days a week, but somehow her crises occur when they aren’t there. And I’m not sure what they do other than laundry and keep her company; they definitely aren’t doing anything to get her or the apartment clean. She looks and smells dirty; the apartment is filthy and smelly. It is such a disgusting situation. And yet she insists that this is the way she wants to live. So frustrating.</p>
<p>And she’s so completely selfish about the whole thing. She cares not a bit if she inconveniences other people. She just doesn’t care that it’s huge hassle for us to get to where she is. And the thing is, she never liked her apartment and she never liked her neighborhood. She doesn’t have friends there (or anywhere) and she doesn’t go outside. So how could it possibly matter to her where she lives?</p>
<p>(And yes, she is mentally ill, she can’t deal with change. I am just all out of sympathy at the moment.)</p>
<p>simpkin, I’m so sorry. How stressful for you!
My mother is 1300 miles away, and refuses to move from her home. She has a number of fixed delusions and quite possibly hallucinations. At this point, however, she seems not to be a clear danger to herself. We have installed cameras in her house (which she doesn’t mind) and have it set up so that I can monitor her on the web, have aides coming in every morning, and lately also for a few hours in the afternoon. So, meals are prepared for her , and she gets help bathing.
She fires aides on occasion for imagined offenses. Eventually, we may run out of available workers, but for now, we’re covered.
I’ve forwarded all of her mail to me and manage her finances on-line.
Nevertheless, I know that at a moment’s notice, I may need to make other arrangements.
It would be so much more difficult if there was less assistance.</p>
<p>So what do you do at the point when you feel that your mother must move, and yet she still refuses? What if you make other arrangements and she says no? This is what we’re really struggling with.</p>
<p>Simpkin, one thing I have noticed on this thread and others about dealing with seniors. If there is going to be a hassle, a confrontation, a fight, whatever unpleasantness, then it is going to happen eventually. So, you might as well do it sooner.</p>
<p>Something like, “Mom, you have to move by us. This is not working any longer and we WILL NOT come rescue you any longer when XYZ happens. We are done.” Either hire full time help in her place or move her.</p>
<p>I know, I know, easier said than done. My Dad had a terminal disease for about 4 years, my Mum no longer drove. She wanted to move to our area, he fought it. She waited until he was at a weak (sick) moment and forced the issue. He was mad mad mad, but once he got here, he loved it. Loved the area, loved being by two of his kids & several grandkids, loved dropping by my house several times a week, etc. I wished then that we had forced it sooner, but I felt it had to be her call. She was the one who suffered.</p>
<p>Regarding forcing a move…, my mother has always been stubborn, but she also – at least sometimes – recognizes that she’s vulnerable. I’m hoping I can maintain enough of a positive relationship with her that somemom’s approach would work. I also plan to garner the help of her doctor, attorney, cousins, etc.<br>
My other approach is to talk about it as a visit. I know change is threatening. If I can get her to leave the house for a “vacation” it may help her take that next step.
I suppose if/when she becomes a danger, I can get legal support.
Just keeping fingers crossed</p>
<p>I feel for you all with difficult parents. My friend had to drive up to Cleveland (4 hours away) almost every weekend for a couple of years because her parents were perfectly happy remaining in their home, being waited on by their children. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>I am so grateful my father accepted it was time to move to assisted living and out of the home he had been in for 56 years. At least he still has his faculties and can make clear decisions.</p>
<p>Agree the conversation and move should be done sooner rather than later. It’s just really really hard for seniors to give up control of their lives, to admit they can’t cope or do for themselves any more. Who wants to go back to early childhood? :(</p>
<p>OTOH–that’s an argument for MOVING to assisted living or to a place closer to the offspring where they can be helped more easily. If certain things are in place they can live with dignity as long as possible, not like a child who has to be rescued all the time.</p>
<p>I hope I can see reason when my time comes!</p>
<p>I second the “sooner rather than later” because either it WILL happen when you force it or you will feel terrible when the alternative happens.<br>
And the legal process takes a long time. My “Emergency” guardianship took nearly 3 weeks. Of course, the lawyer got sick in the middle and then there was a backlog but still…
I don’t yet have the permanent guardianship and conservatorship…
People have a right to their folly, which is living dirty and hungry and lonely, OK then, it is their choice and mine not to look at it. (But we can’t I know, stop caring). </p>
<p>For my mom, we did have an opening with the knee replacement surgery. She was just going “temporarily until she got better”. We also made the Dr. the bad guy. We did tell her straight up that her brain didn’t work, but she clings to the thought that she will get better. We moved her in stages, retirement side with help for the meds (and food etc provided), then to the AL side, then to Level 3 help. </p>
<p>If it weren’t for my husband saying he deserves a life, too, I’d be a husk that she sucked dry. As it is, it is a balance, but I absolutely KNOW that she is happier most times. And my Dad’s wife did a similar thing with move after move and manipulation of her D time after time, but eventually she found the right place for her and it settled down (more or less).</p>
<p>Oh, the other thought it that you leave them to their choices if it is safe. DH’s parents are in ‘assisted living’ in their own home. One of the would require nursing home care and one only meals, but most places want to put them in different rooms and they don’t want that. We spent over a decade encouraging a move, to no avail. I think I have gotten DH to stop stressing it and we generally visit 2-6 times a year, but now that we have thought it through, we do it on our timing, at our convenience instead of jumping when they call. Sometimes there is something time critical, but they mostly have things worked out now with paid in-home caregivers. They really need 24/7 live in, in case of night falls, but are fighting that.</p>
<p>It sounds like everyone has similar problems with their elderly parents: Hallucination, Dis-order, FALL & broke some thing, stubborn, not willing to make changes, unable to take custody/guardianship, needs lots of care for their illnesses…etc.</p>
<p>Well, if they are not willing to move, then they(YOU) have to pay for it. We hired live in caregivers to take care of mom 24/7. IMO, home care with 24/7 one on one caregivers is MUCH better than AL or even SN, the cost might be more, but it is worth it. </p>
<p>You just have to ignore those “bad” words during their hallucination, accusing some one steal stuff, not “care” enough, bad food, seeing some dead people… the list goes on and on, do they sound familiar?</p>
<p>After 3 falls, several years ago, I start hire caregivers, but mom did not want it. I told her she CANNOT live alone and the caregiver is coming whether she like it or not. Well, it was the best thing we did and it really changed her life. Some times, you have to handle elder-lies like a kid before kindergarten, when they ask for candy, you just have to say NO.</p>
<p>Thank you mnmomof2! My mom refused to move, and we honored her wishes and she fell and died. Her friends thought we were awful not to force her into assisted living. In my philosophy it’s not a sin to die. One of her friends told me, “listen dear, death came as a friend to your mom.” One thing I do know: my dad pulled her back from the brink at least three times. After he died she was ready. Should we have forced her into assisted living? I dunno - she would have lived longer and would have adjusted and probably been reasonably happy, tho her mind was going. But that could have been kidneys. I am glad she is at peace now. She was 85. No one right answer…woulda shoulda coulda … got to get off that one but quick.</p>
<p>One down side to in home care is that things do disappear, jewelry etc. Generally, what we have seen is that nothing ever disappears in a way as to be certain what happened, could be stolen, could be lost, could be in a new, forgotten, hidden, safe place. But there is not the same impetus as one would have when moving into AL, they often won’t distribute valuables to family, preferring to keep it to be lost or stolen ;)</p>
<p>I don’t think my mother-in-law has anything worth stealing. The downsides I’ve seen to in-home care are that the aides don’t always show up or they do show up but don’t want to do anything. They are supposed to be doing light housekeeping but I’ve seen no evidence of that. I suspect they do a load of laundry and otherwise sit on the sofa chatting with my mother-in-law. Which isn’t the worst thing, since she needs company.</p>
<p>This thread is so informative and it is helpful to hear all the perspectives. Though one size doesn’t fit all, there sure is a lot of overlap in the nature of the concerns and possible options. </p>
<p>Hugcheck- I like the quote from your mother’s friend. So true in many situations. </p>
<p>In home care offers many benefits, but it is really hard if there isn’t someone nearby to supervise. Sometimes a home care agency can make it easier to have accountability. In general, agency based care is more expensive, but possible benefits may include alternatives if someone can’t get to the elder and employees may be vetted. Some people find it easier to communicate with the organization if there are problems with a particular staff member. Geriatric care managers can be hired to navigate the home care if no relatives are nearby, though at a certain point, the numbers may meet or exceed assisted living or other care price points. </p>
<p>I am in awe of what so many relatives and friends here bring to the table when it comes to their elders. May the same support await you if you ever need it. </p>
<p>I read this thread frequently. My parents are still both living at home at this time. Mom had a stroke 17 months ago and has aphasia (she can’t talk right) and other brain damage. Dad has neuropathy and walks with a cane. They both fall sometimes. I am just waiting for the next phone call that will change my life - and change their life, too.</p>
<p>I’ve been gone for a week, and it seems a lot of you need some virtual hugs! (((((HUGS to all of you!!)))))</p>
<p>The night before we left town, I got an odd email from my brother. Backstory: Last fall, Mom’s doctor told her that her cholesterol was high, and recommended that she cut back on fats and lose a little weight. I know this is true, because I saw her immediately after the appointment. She got it – at first – but within a few days, somehow in her mind the doctor’s advice had morphed into a sugar-free diet, and she has stubbornly clung to that construct ever since. Of course, this conveniently leaves her free to eat all the high-fat goodies she wants. We argued about it off and on, and I even called the doctor at one point, who confirmed: low-fat, lose weight. Mom said the doctor must have been lying to me. (!) </p>
<p>So my brother’s email last week said that he’d talked to Mom who said she’d been to see the doctor, and she is now allowed NO sugar, NO carbs, and ONE serving of protein per week. Which leaves her, what, raw celery? I actually laughed out loud; I guess I’m getting cynical, but it’s sometimes funny what her addled imagination comes up with. But I think it’s time for me to go to see with doctor with her, and have the dietary instructions written down.</p>
<p>It’s been nice not to have to deal with all of this for a couple of weeks. <em>sigh</em></p>