<p>OK, smart CC people - any tips for dealing with a parent whose motto is “suicide by unhealthy lifestyle”? Aortic plaque and a heart that pumps less than 50% but won’t give up smoking? And adamantly denies smoking to her physicians - not that they believe her. Back pain but won’t do PT or prescribed exercises? Won’t do anything to help herself because she thrives on the drama and excitement that comes from being on the (exaggerated) brink of death?</p>
<p>Parents are adult kids. You have to treat their behavior like a kid but with adult “baits” in the front. You need to create incentives for behavior changes, not nagging and nagging all the time.</p>
<p>How old is she? I think when they reach a certain age, they simply are not going to change and you have to respect their choices. I realized when my Dad had cancer, there was a bit too much pressure on him to eat healing foods, until the doctor literally said, “any calorie is a good calorie for Dad”</p>
<p>I think 80+, let them live & die their way, but don’t get sucked into the drama.</p>
<p>73 - Not old! Certainly she can make her own choices and deal with the consequences, but I’m having a hard time reconciling with the “I’m dying, help me” crisis lifestyle with the unwillingness to help herself.</p>
<p>Class2012Mom- As much as I deal with this both professionally and in my family, I still have trouble understanding it. But I feel it is not my place to say unless they ask. I know what your mom is doing can be life threatening but, her choice. I once saw skiing is considered a high risk activity (we do here in Colorado like going for a walk) and I realized that my choices, as healthy as they seem, may be not be to other people.
Just because she chooses this life style does not mean you have to support it. While you have no control over her behavior and choices- you can have control over how much drama and excitement she gets from you.</p>
<p>My FIL moved into assisted living a year ago when MIL was incapacitated by a stroke. Every time he’d broached the subject she became livid. Under no circumstances would she move. FF a year. She made amazing gains and moved into their 2BR unit last summer. While there have been a number of issues, not the least of which is acknowledging that things are harder to do by frail 80+yo, it has been a good thing for them and us. MIL said not too long ago that she was happy they’d moved. They don’t participate in many(any?) activities, but they do eat meals in the dining room and have made some friends.
We are thankful that if they don’t show for a meal, someone checks on them. They are stubborn about dr visits and seeing to health issues, but at least they are clean and the unit is clean.
Even though they had someone come into clean in their condo, they wouldn’t allow her to change the beds or do the laundry. MIL had trouble showering, so that was put off as well. Now cleaning is daily, beds once a week, and showers more than that. FIL didn’t want to accept that it was getting beyond him to do these things. It has taken a lot of work to get to this point.</p>
<p>We tell ourselves that we should write down what we think should be done when we get to that point. So easy to forget that we don’t want to be a burden…real or imagined.</p>
<p>Just returned from 5 days at my mom’s (3 hours away). She is 87 with mild/moderate dementia-probably Alzheimer’s. Her name finally came up for a room at her “dream community”, a continuing care facility. They have openings in independent living fairly frequently, but assisted living is a one or two year wait. Not surprisingly she did not pass the entrance exam for independent living. She was so disappointed, she thought she aced the mini-mental exam. Now she is on the waitlist for assisted living and we’re going to increase the caregiver visits to every day. I’m certain that if she had passed the test she would have refused the room anyway, and argued that she is competent enough to live at home. At least we now have an objective assessment to fall back on to justify more caregiver hours. </p>
<p>We are going through agencies to find caregivers, but I’ve learned it’s important to be assertive about the kind of person you want and to spell out exactly what they should do with their time. Despite the reassuring claims of expertise with dementia most of the caregivers have no inkling of how to help manage the affairs of someone with memory issues. The current one is very pleasant, but she takes my mom grocery shopping without making a list of what she actually needs. On this visit I found 4 bottles of peanut butter and 3 jars of mayonnaise in the refrigerator. When I took my mom to shop at Trader Joe’s she told me all she needed was peanut butter and mayonnaise. </p>
<p>I never realized how insidious Alzheimer’s could be, in full flame one day and almost undetectable the next. It makes care planning a heart wrenching ordeal, as they so obviously need help on some days but become resentful when they’re doing well and feeling independent. The saga continues for all of us…</p>
<p>momsquad–I can relate. My MIL was always getting cheese and crackers at the store. Cheese would pile up in the back of the fridge, going green from mold (not the good kind) but it was on her mental grocery list.</p>
<p>momsquad, I have had one hour daily caregivers for my mother -now for 6 weeks- if she would be appreciative or just cooperate it would be great. the last 2 weeks she has been resisting it. we took her home from the assisted living (one month stay ) with the understanding she agreed to the help. they are there for mental orientation and interaction. while she does like them she has resisted them coming in with some days stating she was busy or not to come the next day she will be out, etc. i would be thrilled if she would agree, to me it does not matter what they do together. she completely denies any of this. then gets very defensive and extremely agitated with me (yup this is an improvement on meds). i feel i am fighting an uphill battle and the meals on wheels and rn who does her pills weekly may be all that she will agree to. she won’t go anywhere with them. i am going to visit next weekend. for 3 days (2000 miles away). she truly is the problem child i never had. oh joy.</p>
<p>rockymtnhigh–Just remember your mom is not deliberately doing any of this. She probably doesn’t remember agreeing to have the caregivers come in. And she may be afraid to go out, for no reason that she can express. My MIL because positively agoraphobic in her last months at home. Wouldn’t go anywhere, even with family members. It was a struggle…when she finally had a stroke and had to go to a nursing home it was actually a better situation for all of us.</p>
<p>thanks mommusic. it is hard to not see it as intentional. i will get a more clear picture i think on this next visit…</p>
<p>Did anyone hear the discussion of dementia care on NPR’s On Point yesterday? While some of it will not be news, there were some interesting exchanges about what to consider in care environments and some practical info for care partners or caregivers as well. No such thing as too much info or support when it comes to these challenges.</p>
<p>travelnut. I didn’t see it, do you think it might be on the web somewhere?</p>
<p>rocky & Mom music, I agree it IS important to NOT take it personally nor think a lot of it is intentional. How somedays to do that i am not sure. My worse failing is that when Mom is acting like a 4 year old … not responding to her like she IS a 4 year old. It is almost impossible not to stop it sometimes.</p>
<p>My Dad is visiting (he normally lives with my brother) and he is such a great guy. And he has more marbles left than I do. He has macular degeneration so he can’t see well (or at all out of one eye we found out today). So he relies on memory and things he read long ago to talk about. I am 61 and he still comforts me so much. It would be so hard if HE was demented. Mom was super smart and all when she wasn’t demented, but the relationship started totally different so hers makes me sad, but not devastated (most of the time).</p>
<p>Eso - googling Tom Ashbrook On Point will bring up the website that allows you to select past shows and then find yesterday’s program “a new way of caring for patients with dementia” to listen to the 45 minute program online. I think they also have an app for mobile device listening.</p>
<p>eso, here it is. Click the red arrow button near the top to listen.</p>
<p>[A</a> New Way To Care For Patients With Dementia | On Point with Tom Ashbrook](<a href=“http://onpoint.wbur.org/2013/05/15/dementia]A”>http://onpoint.wbur.org/2013/05/15/dementia)</p>
<p>Thanks LasMa- was away from my computer and couldn’t post link.</p>
<p>Thanks for the On Point tip and link, I always enjoy that show and would have missed this one.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s hard not to take it personally when they won’t accept that they need help and so hard not to get frustrated when they ask the same questions over and over. It reminds me of the movie ‘Memento’ where the guy had to write things all over his body to remember the past. My mom’s condo used to be so tidy and now it’s being slowly covered with post it notes. </p>
<p>We had a long planned reunion for her birthday and she didn’t remember we were coming. On the bright side, it ended up being like a surprise party and she said it was the best party she had in years.</p>
<p>Eso- I know what you mean about how your prior relationship impacts how it is to see your family member develop dementia. I was closer to my mother (now deceased for 7 years), and apart from times when physical ailments made her confused, she was with it. We had some very good times after she moved closer to my family 18 months before she died. My father has had memory problems for well over a decade, though his personality has always been easy-going and “less deep” than my mother’s. We have been having many of the same conversations for years and it is much less of a loss to see his slow disease progression (not traditional Alzheimer’s) than it would have been to have my mother alive, but with her cognition this compromised. Also mitigating the concern is how happy he is every day, that he still can make jokes, thank staff for help and remember me. He is in great health otherwise, but at 89, I know that could change in an instant.</p>
<p>travelnut, Thanks for the pointer to the program.</p>
<p>LasMa, thanks for the link! I will try to get time to look at it soon.</p>
<p>Okay, color me shocked. Mom’s Medicaid determination came back today as denied because her resources are over the LTC Medicaid resource limit. Which resource, you say? Her %^&*(%$# life insurance policy. Yes, it came in with an accumulated cash value of $2300 and a surrender value of $5900. Apparently her resources can’t exceed $2,000.</p>
<p>They did enclose a paper showing options we could follow to reduce her resources and then RE-apply! Which will take another 30-45 days for a new determination. The only problem is mom’s 100 days of Medicare ends on May 23rd.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>One of the ways to reduce resources is to turn that life insurance policy into a life insurance funded funeral. This seems the easiest thing for us to do…</p></li>
<li><p>Medicare almost used up, Argh!</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do? I’ve called the life insurance company and asked for options on how to reduce her resources, they are working on it and will send me a paper of options. I’m going to call funeral homes this weekend and see what they can offer in terms of the insurance funded funeral. I’ve thought about just not telling the nursing home the denial of medicaid while I reapply. I know it’s not quite right, but to be turned down for this one thing is more than annoying.</p>
<p>I’m open for ideas and would appreciate any help. And of course, we just started the paperwork for guardianship, so I’m not sure how the funeral homes will feel about dealing with me and not mom. Boy, if it’s not one thing it sure is another.</p>