<p>No solutions ChuckD. I am so sorry though and not completely surprised. The only thing I managed is to find some person at the local office to try to help and mpush stuff through.</p>
<p>I empathize, big time.</p>
<p>My vent for today is that on April 29th lawyer filed my request for guradianship… Mom is supposed to be served the papers so she can object… I reminded the lawyer that she hadn’t been served yet on TUESDAY… and today, the AL place said she was served. I called the “friend of the court” to be sure she had time to go interview Mom. She said that she had called the server and he said that HE hadn’t gotten the paperwork as of yesterday. But he got it today and served Mom. … so I pay the lawyer for WHAT exactly? Sure NOT for filing timely… although I do think it may have been his strategy to not leave Mom much time to mount a defense. IDK.</p>
<p>Eso I hope your mom handles this next step ok. When I think of applying for guardianship the part that scares me is how mom would react to being served.</p>
<p>My mom has been here 3 weeks. Today was an eye opener for me. I took her to open a checking account. When they asked for an ID she threw her drivers license on the table and started going on ( fully agitated) about how it was useless since “they” won’t let her drive.
Holy cow. I stayed calm and tried to get her to calm down but she was already beyond aggravated. She also stood and picked up her things to leave while yelling at me(the woman was out of the room at that moment). I made the mistake of asking her to calm down and she acted worse. If I were the bankers I would not have let her get an account - she didn’t seem competent. The whole thing fell apart because they wouldn’t put her name on top on the checks ( it was linked to ours to qualify for free). So off we went with her ranting that she had money and she was walking out the door with it and that was their problem! oh lord I was ready to send her to AL. </p>
<p>How do you handle it when your parent with dementia acts up in public?</p>
<p>CCO and psychmomma- seriously i could have easily written your posts hoarding and all. as much as my mother seems uniquely aggravating-apparenty she is not- yes this is comforting to me!! Do you remember when one of your kids at 2 had a temper tantrum in public and everyone looked at you like you were obviously a bad mother? well i find the feeling in me the same but the reaction in the public different. looking back my mother now 90 and mid stage dementia acted up in public about 15 years ago at least- possibly would have all her life given the opportunity to do so. she once carried on in my favorite target store (small town and people know me). i told her we were leaving and did immediately. another time i took her to a hot springs with the family when my parents were visiting and she threw a fit i asked her if she liked thick or thin pizza because she said i was making fun of her. no sense.
well now at 90 for the last several years i take her to no public places or restaurants- i take takeout food and only go out in the town she lives in where people do not know me.
on another note- when she was recently in the hospital for a fracture and i was visiting - she was screaming at the top of her lungs about some thing and degrading me when we were alone in the room. the nurses were very kind and told my mother that they heard her yelling at me and that was not nice. when she spent one month in the assisted living she did the same thing to me and the aides told her that she was lucky to have a caring daughter. i see that others, without me saying, and i am sure looking verbally abused are outright kind and they feel like they have to defend me. it is an interesting reaction of the public to her outright abusive behavior which now has less inhibitions.
so i handle the acting up by leaving the situation, trying not to go in public where i feel most embarrassed where i live, and not have her live with me. I told he up front when my father died 5 years ago she could not live with me and my H but i would do my best to take care of her.</p>
<p>psychomomma, oh man. No advice, but a big hug. If it’s that important for her to have her name at the top of the check, maybe it’s worth paying a fee and not linking it to yours?</p>
<p>Chuckle, that bites. I’m sure someone will have words of wisdom for you. All I can offer is a big hug. It does seem sometimes that there are no good options for our seniors. :(</p>
<p>My Mom surprises me most of the time. I tried to prep her for the serving and to accept me for a guardian. To my face she says yes, this month. Last month she hated me. Who knows…
I saw her melt down a couple of times, but she doesn’t want to be caught being irrational or inappropriate so she cools it in public. </p>
<p>For my mom, her memory is sort of like hard baked ground. She won’t remember what I said 15 minutes later… but if I say it 3 days in a row, she can get some concept of the it and it will pop up and she knows what you are talking about then. That is what happened today with the server. I’d talked to it several times. The aid said that when she got served, Mom said “Oh yes, I was expecting this.” I hope she doesn’t fight it today… </p>
<p>I wouldn’t let my mom open a new checking account if I were you psycmom. After we thought she couldn’t get to the bank and lose the money… she did. If you can keep only a tiny bit in the account, well then you get bounced check fees. IDK But without the guardianship, and actually the conservatorship is what you need for $$ stuff.</p>
<p>The account was so she could deposit checks somewhere- her old accounts are in her town 4 hours away and not national or even regional chains. she gets annuity checks quarterly. she wants to write her own checks and gets mad if i write any for her (to pay bills). She was waaayyyy over donating to every charity in the world and I’ve been trying to curb that some. It seems like this in between state is awful- at times comes across as competent to manage her own affairs and other times definitely not. I’m not sure how I’ll be able to identify that “last straw” - when it’s time to apply for guardianship, etc. the bank people did seem sympathetic as I left.</p>
<p>psychomomma, my mother loves to donate, too. When doing her taxes the first year after Dad died, she had a list of 60+ charities to which she had donated and had seriously increased the amount of giving over what she and Dad had previously donated. But when he died her income dropped quite a bit, so it was a double whammy, I now check frequently and make her keep a running tally of her donations.</p>
<p>psychmom, that was a key for me, too. Mom used to be way cheap in donations, yet she started buying the “special light bulbs”, garbage can liners etc etc . Beginning to get stacked all over the house. Yes, she has a right to her folly, so it is tough to get a conservatorship for just that part. But it is a real clue that something has gone awry. </p>
<p>We did try to have Mom write the checks to pay the bills, but kept the checkbook away from her unless we are there. Didn’t stop her when she had “help” to get to the bank however. So I wished we had not left them open… One account IS still open because her social security is auto deposited there. I go in and spend it the day after it arrives or I sweep it into a trust account where she has no access. </p>
<p>So yesterday, she seemed fine with the guardianship. She sat up all night reading it apparently and today is going to fight it with everything she’s got. Fortunately, my brother is there and is going over to try to calm her down. If she fights it I don’t know what I’ll do. The “friend of the court” was supposed to interview her today as well.</p>
<p>When we finally went for conservatorship for my mother, her court appointed attorney interviewed me and my brother as well as my mother. He also had copies of the MD, hospital and social worker reports. He helped my mom to understand that we did this in her best interest. The judge was very kind and gentle, but the hearing was the worst thing that I have ever had to do. I had to tell “the court” why I felt she was unable to care for herself and list what measures I was going to take to care for her. (My brother, who says he just can’t handle the emotional stress never showed up for the hearing). The social worker from the hospital reviewed the case and the judge read the MD evaluations into the record, all while mom was sitting there listening. The judge asked mom to tell her how she was able to care for herself physically and financially, it was heartbreaking. It took about a year before she would even hug me or speak nicely to me. That was 3 years ago, now the dementia has progressed and she usually thinks I am her favorite sister! In hindsight, we should have started the process much sooner.</p>
<p>Eso- if she fights it do you think she’ll win? I wonder if showing pictures of my mom’s hoarder house would sway a judge. I’m digging and planting and taking out my aggression on some stubborn bushes today. Mom has been balancing, subtracting and re-subtracting in her checkbook for two hours. She has mentioned 7 times that she doesn’t know how she will ever get the extra money she needs to pay her property tax bill. I have told her 5 times that she already has plenty in her account to pay it now (all other may bills are paid) and it isn’t due till June, when she will have even more money. I think she must’ve donated all her extra may money in the past so she needed to take from savings. Removing her from the mailing lists has cut out a ton in donations. She was complaining that April only had 8 checks clear and that couldn’t be right. Well yes, it is right if she only pays her bills!</p>
<p>My poor sister-in-law gets the prize for the time she was in the doctor’s waiting room with my MIL listening to her complain loudly and in great detail about her sex life with FIL.</p>
<p>Ecmom , how horrible! In Mom’s state, if she doesn’t contest, then there is no court appearance. If she does contest, they almost always win if they can say their name and birthday. One old guy was starving himself to death. His house was filthy, he couldn’t drive to get groceries … but he had a “right to his folly”. So two weeks after the fight was over, he died. So I might not have tried to get it if I thought for sure Mom would fight it. And we have gotten most of the people who would help her fight it away from her, but there is still that chance. It helps to have my brother and I double team her. And even our BIL calls and supports us to Mom.
The “friend of the court” interviewed me by phone and brother today. Mom knew her birthday, but not how old she is. And we have pages of documentation that I have collected for the LTC … but lawyer was fairly cautious saying we might not win. So don’t say that you should have tried to get yours sooner because it might not have happened!</p>
<p>preironic, the AL place is worried that Mom has some old guy staying over (but not in her bed she constantly tells me) shudder. I really don’t plan on telling my mom to practice safe sex although STD’s are rampant in AL places apparently. (stick out tongue face).</p>
<p>Oh no Eso. I hope it goes through for you. I cant imagine the agitation you will get from your mom either way.
My mom knows her name and birthday today, but couldn’t remember her married name in the hospital when sick. She can’t always name all 4 kids and can never name three of her grand kids.
Do you think I should be updating my sibs on how Mom is doing here? None of the three even called her for Mother’s Day. I’m a little ticked about that.</p>
<p>(BTW, sorry about calling you psychomomma in my last post…)</p>
<p>Yes, most definitely you should be keeping your siblings in the loop. To the extent that things have gone well with my parents, I think it’s partly because my brothers and I have done a lot of communicating from Day One, on issues large and small. We do it mostly by email.</p>
<p>Even if they don’t want to be involved, keeping them updated accomplishes several things. First, it prevents them from being able to completely ignore the fact that Mom is having problems which you’re having to deal with. Second, it allows them to give input if they want. Third, they will never be able to say later that they didn’t know what was happening or what you were doing (this is why email is better than a phone call ;)). And fourth, you never know, maybe as time goes by, one or more of them may step up to help in some way.</p>
<p>If your siblings object, too bad (IMO). She’s their mom too, and they need to know. They can delete the emails if they want, but you’re doing your duty.</p>
<p>I do tend to get wordy when I’m writing (I know, shocking :P), but my emails to my brothers have always erred on the side of more information than less. I want them to know everything. And I figure, I’m the one in the trenches; the least they can do is read about it.</p>
<p>yeah, I’ve been thinking I should update them on the good and the bad. I’m just as hurt as my mom that they haven’t even texted/facebook messaged, etc. </p>
<p>After the bank debacle, I was hesitant to take mom out again, but I took her to church this morning and it went fine. She was the ultimate church lady back in the day, so I thought she would like it. Turns out today was one of those weeks when the service is topsy turvy from normal, but she was ok, just a little lost since we use a slightly different format with 2 hymnals (ah, you can apparently never have too many religious songs!) and she couldn’t find the songs quick enough for her liking. </p>
<p>One of mom’s friends is going to visit her tomorrow, probably while I’m at work. This is a friend from back home who happens to be in the area this weekend/week. Wish I could be a fly on the wall!</p>
<p>Managing care from a distance has been very challenging for me. I planned a trip to my elderly friend’s city for 2 weeks ago. 2 days before my flight I was informed she was taken to the hospital with confusion/disorientation. I didn’t change my flight as I assumed she’d be well taken care of in the hospital. Unfortunately she became combative and had to be restrained. I arrived and had her discharged immediately. Lesson #1: a hospital is no place for a dementia patient as long as there are no other medical issues. Lesson #2: there’s a discharge coordinator who can be very helpful as long as you’re willing to ask a lot of questions.</p>
<p>After the discharge I got my friend settled back into her assisted living facility. She told everyone there that she’d been kidnapped and tied up, not too far from the truth. She had to be re-assessed by the 3rd party health care provider due to her hospital re-admission. Lesson #3: restarting the clock on Medicare-paid home health care does have its advantages. Everything went well until Mother’s Day, when she became incredibly confused and started saying things that made no sense. I had to fly to the East Coast the next day so left her in the AL with assurances that she’d be checked every hour. My flight landed in the evening and I had voicemail that my friend had been found at the bottom of a stairwell complaining that her head hurt. Off to the hospital again. Lesson #4: any time a resident complains of a head injury, the AL facility must call an ambulance. I was on the phone with the ER nurse and insisted that she be discharged right away, assuming she checked out ok. After blood/urine tests and a CAT scan, nothing was found so she was discharged back to AL around midnight that evening. </p>
<p>I changed my flight back from the East Coast so I could stop in my friend’s city on the way home and spend a long weekend. More conversations with the AL staff, the 3rd-party health care provider, and a nurse practitioner. They had my friend visit their Life Guidance wing, which is known as Memory Care where I live. It’s a locked unit with some high-functioning residents, but mostly not. They want to move my friend there. I’m conflicted - she has nice conversations with other more able residents in her current dining room, and I’m concerned that her world will shrink even more in Life Guidance. It’s also very expensive, about $1500 more than her current room.</p>
<p>I left my friend napping, told the caregivers I was leaving, and got on my plane to fly home yesterday. Got a call as I was boarding - my friend was found wandering in the employee parking lot. Lesson #5: hourly checks, even if they happen, can’t prevent the resident from getting into trouble the other 55 minutes. She spent the night in Life Guidance, more pressure to move her there. </p>
<p>Her money is going to be gone in 2 years at this rate, then what???</p>
<p>vballmom–Just Wow. Good luck to you as you help your friend!</p>
<p>My 99-year-old uncle who had his hip replaced after a fall is recovering nicely from surgery. They said the next couple of weeks would be critical (he could still get an infection and his kidneys aren’t so great) but he’s looking very good. He’s a stalwart WWII vet who doesn’t complain about anything. The nurses love him!</p>
<p>I played a concert at a retirement home yesterday that went very well and the people loved our music and listened attentively. But a <em>rolleyes</em> moment happened before we started…we were sitting under the hot stage lights a few minutes before the concert was to begin, when one woman came in with her walker, sat down, and loudly announced, “It’s cold in here! Why don’t they turn the heat on?” She was already wearing a sweater, of course.</p>
<p>Aiyiyi. I hasten to add it was in no way cold in there, even if you weren’t under the stage lights.</p>
<p>mommusic that’s funny about your concert. There was a pianist at the AL facility that I thought my friend would enjoy. As we were walking towards the activity room we heard “In the Mood” being played. My friend’s comment was “oh no, not THAT old saw!” She refused to go in and sit down, saying it was the worst playing she’d ever heard. We turned around and went back to her apartment. Afterwards I heard several residents comment about how wonderful the music was and how much they’d enjoyed it.</p>
<p>vballmom - What a difficult situation. I can’t imagine trying to deal with my mother’s issues long distance. It seems with your friend’s wandering that she might be better supervised on the memory care unit. You can’t be concerned about how quickly she’ll go through her money if that’s the most appropriate placement for her. Who knows where she might wander off to and what may happen to her if she remains in AL.</p>
<p>When I had to move my mother from AL to a nursing home, I was also concerned about her social life. There were fewer people that she could have conversations with in the nursing home, but there were still some. Now, six years later, my mother is one of the people just sitting around most of the time, but there are newer residents who are more conversational. They tend to find each other.</p>
I hasten to add it was in no way cold in there, even if you weren’t under the stage lights.</p>