<p>psychmom, I agree with Las Ma and updating your siblings. For one thing, if you make kind of a journal out of it, with an email every day it will REALLY help you in the long run. I had sort of an argument with my H for how much time I spend on Mom’s stuff and so started a little notebook of every little thing… it adds up! Plus then I can remember how long ago I called the lawyer so I can call again, or the dr or or or … the days begin to blur so having it written and sent to siblings is good.</p>
<p>vballmom, it is really really scary! And if we watching feel helpless, how much more awful does the resident have to feel? </p>
<p>mommusic, thank goodness for music, it really does touch people. </p>
<p>Shellfell, it made me very sad to read about “six years later”. My mom is / was such a dynamo that I really hope it doesn’t go there. … but it did for Grandma so I can’t be surprised. </p>
<p>In todays installment of warnings, we found out from neighbors and such that Mom’s handyman had been “grooming” her for trying to get her to deed property over to him…for YEARS! Why they didn’t mention it earlier, IDK. but we might have just caught it in the nick of time. So for parents at a distance, we kids have to cultivate more conversations with parents friends and neighbors. My bro is MUCH better at that than I am. He is still in her town and that is how he found out.</p>
<p>Eso - Glad you found out what the handyman was up to before your situation got any more complicated. </p>
<p>My mother didn’t have to go into a nursing home 6 years ago, but the only other option at that time was to leave her in AL with an aide who was there at least during waking hours. Because she had swallowing issues, AL would no longer have allowed her in the dining room (one of the highlights of AL). I was concerned that I’d have problems with: (1)aides not showing up, (2)mom complaining about each aide I hired and making me keep finding new ones, (3)needing to check up on her 45-60 minutes away, and (4)cost of doing that wasn’t much different than nursing home cost. The nursing home is 15 minutes away from me and at this point is the appropriate placement for her.</p>
<p>My elderly friend has been staying in the dementia unit (“Life Guidance”) and will be moved there permanently. The staff feels she’s just too big of a wandering risk. In phone conversations with my friend I can tell she feels confined, locked up, out of place and confused. The caregivers paint a different picture, and perhaps in conversations with them she really does seem ok about being there. I’m not happy about the move but understand the risks of having a resident who wanders. I’ve called other, smaller facilities that have been recommended and am finding that the cost of care is very high.</p>
<p>Reading the posts on the Alzheimer’s UK board has been enlightening and sobering, thanks for the link rockymtnhigh.</p>
<p>I just got great news about my parent’s who have early dementia! They sold their house which was 2 days away from me and have put an offer on an apartment at a nearby retirement center. </p>
<p>For those who are caring for parent’s remotely, I can’t imagine the stress. It seems they are moving before they need significant care. Yay for my Dad who is a planner and realized that having them at a distance was too much stress for me.</p>
<p>GT - that is great news. I am trying to figure out how to deal with my mom living with me (dementia- she’s been here a month) and us needing to empty her house to clean up and sell 4 hours away- filled to the brim with hoarded junk mixed in with personal documents/acct numbers/etc. I wish mom would have listened to us and moved nearer years ago. She would have friends by now - instead of moving at 76 with memory problems and unable to drive.</p>
<p>GTalum, color me jealous! It is a great gift.</p>
<p>psychmom, I hear you on cleaning out junk. Mom’s house has been without anyone living in it for 6 months , actually 7 now. My H has hauled 6000 lbs (by weight at the dump) of mostly old papers and broken junk out. Now the semi-valuable stuff sits waiting to be dealt with. I am hopefully 3 weeks from the full conservatorship.</p>
<p>Anyone know how to get rid of with SOME profit … six mink/fur coats for example? Oriental rugs with appraisals in 1992 of $45000? If she didn’t need the money to pay the AL place I honestly would seriously think about just donating it to a charity. </p>
<p>There is a division between my brother and I, too. He wants to do it yourself, save money (he is actually fairly cash poor) and myself , hire and get it done. But my H and I did well for ourselves and have money enough. So the imbalance is already there. </p>
<p>Example: the bad handy man (who is STILL not out of the free house) turned us in to the county and lied and said there was no septic tank at his rented house. My brother knows where it is and was in town and said he’d fix it. Instead he got into a fist fight with the unhandy man!!! Then he told the county that he had to deal with the guy and I thought that meant that we had time… but no, today I got a court summons with a $720 fine because we haven’t gotten it fixed yet. The first day I wanted to call a septic person, Bro wanted to fix it himself, but didn’t get it done in two weeks. I am mad (ish) at him. Mad at myself for not following through … and REALLY mad at the creep who cause all this grief.</p>
<p>And on top of it, Mom is agitated by the drama, so naturally adds to it by making up stuff and calling six times as often. H is beside himself and wants to control chaos… </p>
<p>I also will vent about lawyers who say on Thursday there will be an emergency eviction, but that don’t get it done, yet still take off on Friday before the long weekend. If no one gets shot here, I will be surprised (sarcastic mostly… I don’t live there and bro is going home.) We are both 7 hrs away.</p>
<p>esobay–in our town there is a person who specializes in estate auctions. Classier than a yard sale, and more appropriate for valuable goods & furniture! Maybe you could check around for something like that.</p>
<p>I only occasionally check in on this thread so forgive me if these organizations have already been mentioned, but I read a magazine article the other day that talked about “senior relocation specialists”. These are companies that help older folks move from their homes – whether to assisted living residences, downsized apartments, or even across the country to be closer to their adult children. They can arrange for packing, storage, estate sales, real estate services – basically anything related to transitioning from the family home (or even helping the senior to stay in the home they are in). </p>
<p>Here are a couple of links. Each of these offers a search function to find a local provider by zip code. I’ve bookmarked them for the future, as my stubborn 91-year-old mother is nearing the time when we are going to have to move her out of her large home.</p>
<p>Yes, I’m appreciating my good fortune. I have never in the past been able to call my parent’s up and have dinner together! I am so looking forward to that. My brother and I were concerned that the house may not sell until it was “too late.” They are moving to a walking community with stores and restaurants in the neighborhood and they are even talking about not needing a car. </p>
<p>Eso - I second the recommendation of estate sale companies. We did that for my in-laws. It was so easy. They came in to a house with full closets and drawers, organized everything, had an estate sale, and what they couldn’t sell they hauled away to charity or the dump. I know your brother may not want to hire anyone, but time is money and peace of mind is worth a lot. </p>
<p>psychmomma - The estate sale folks can also deal with your mom’s hoarded junk.</p>
<p>Interesting link patsmom. I would be using that service it took another year to sell my parent’s house. </p>
<p>esobay, I know you are faced with so much, but can’t you claim that the property is illegally occupied, therefore you do not have to fix the septic? You are in the middle of your husband, brother, mother and legal system that is moving at a snail’s pace. Sending hugs!</p>
<p>ECmom, I tried to get the county to red-tag the house to have more leverage to get unhandy out… but all they are concerned with is “RAW SEWAGE”… never mind that the sewage is going into a field with 80 cows in it pooping on the ground.</p>
<p>We have looked into estate sales, of course, but it is a tiny town. We could get someone from the next big town over to come in for it, but I don’t think the market would be there. I plan to haul some of it to SF to the vintage stores and hope they will move some of it. The china, etc, we will auction. It is hard and sad since most of it was collected by my Grandma so has been part of our lives forever. But I am not that sentimental and <em>I</em> don’t want it or live that way. We are trying to downsize and get rid of our own stuff.</p>
<p>This is me too: “We are trying to downsize and get rid of our own stuff.” I fear that when my in-laws (finally, eventually, a decade too late) make the move to a AL or whatever, H will drive a truck full of stuff to our house. We still have H’s textbooks and LPs from the 70s/80s in the garage and clothes upon clothes in every closet! I am all for saving photos and some meaningful items, but not a truck full!</p>
<p>eso - I wouldn’t give up on the idea of the estate sales company. They often have ebay businesses or relationships with a larger network if there is no market where you are. </p>
<p>I agree with just getting rid of stuff. My parents are planning on just letting the Salvation Army come out and just clean the house out. I think the tax deduction will be as almost as valuable as the estate sale once the company takes their cut. But, they have nothing of value.</p>
<p>I’ve been checking into this thread periodically for a few months. It’s been very helpful and insightful as I trudge through the process of moving my mother in to our house. Thanks to everyone who has shared their experiences.</p>
<p>My parents moved closer to me about 12 years ago, so we were fortunate to deal with cleaning out the family home while we were all younger. Such a huge task! My dad was quite ill with Parkinson’s by that time, so our energies all went towards his care and not the maintenance of their house, until he passed 8 yrs ago. My mother was never a ‘neat-nick’ and it only got worse after she lost my dad. She is 86 now and growing frail. Last year my brothers, H and I convinced her it was time to leave the house and move in with us. Since then, my H and I have cleared out her house (AGAIN) and are planning a renovation in our home. It has been an exhausting, emotional and sometimes overwhelming experience, but I keep my eye on the goal of having her here where I can manage things more easily. Some days I panic a little, then I think back on how I felt each time I stopped by her house and saw the MOUNTAINS of STUFF, junk, papers, bags upon bags of more STUFF…and I realize it was the only answer. What I would have had to face eventually was taken care of (mostly) with her cooperation, which helped dramatically. I can’t imagine how I would have deciphered all the paperwork had she passed away suddenly.</p>
<p>Thanks to all who have contributed to this thread, you’ve given me lots of pointers on what we may need to do someday for MIL/FIL. I like to do research and be prepared to act before it’s an emergency. But we won’t do anything yet, because they don’t admit they need help, and don’t communicate little details like how MILs cancer treatment is going, or how they are set financially, or whether they really want to stay in their house until the bitter end or go to assisted living or skilled nursing when FIL can no longer care for both himself and MIL. And their kids were not raised to challenge FILs decisions, so they don’t push back hard against the questionable decision making.</p>
<p>When my kids were toddlers people told me to remember that age, because that’s how I would still be able to tolerate them when they got to the nest-fouling stage. So today I’m reminding myself of all the nice things MIL/FIL did before they started falling apart and going into denial about it.</p>
<p>MomofJandL–not to cast a shadow on your metaphor, but the reason (ok, one of them) we put up with babies and toddlers is that every day they are improving and growing out of their “difficult” stages. We look forward to the future. With the elderly, if they live long enough, they are on a guaranteed downward trend into poorer physical and/or mental health. </p>
<p>This is what is so difficult about caring for them.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like nothing will happen until there is an emergency. Is there at least a power of attorney so that someone can step in when the emergency occurs?</p>