So sorry @somemom! Big hugs to you and your family.
@somemom, I echo what everyone else has said. May your mom’s memory be a blessing, and hope you are doing ok. We are here for you!
somemom, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you had a chance to say goodbye and have some time to prepare for her passing. Take care of yourself.
So sorry, @somemom . You were a wonderful daughter.
Hugs, somemom.
@somemom - I am sorry for your loss.
@somemom , I am sorry for your loss
My condolences @somemom. After mom’s recent death, I could much more easily remember the pre-dementia mom. I’ve enjoyed reflecting on those memories and all the dementia years is just in the background.
@somemom, I am so very sorry for your loss! I know you did everything you could possibly do, and I still appreciate the PM’s full of common sense that you sent me during my mother’s last days.
Has anyone read “Elderhood” by Louise Aronson? She is a geriatrician, and the book is full of stories about her practice. My dad is struggling with all the terrible debilities that go along with extreme aging. The book is helping me, but of course, it is much worse in real life, as we are on the front lines. We thought he was dying Wednesday night, but he pulled through. [I mentioned earlier that we were having problems with caregivers not getting along. That is solved and we have a group of caregivers that all respect each other and communicate well, even though they are from different agencies.]
I have 6 siblings. Some of them are quick to raise alarms about changes in how dad feels. I’ve explained time and again that he’s already on the max medications for his condition. But she keeps thinking “something” more Can and should be done. She’s very vague about what that magic treatment is.
It’s tiring and sad. We all recognize dad’s not feeling great, but that’s how it is to have his chronic condition at his age and sadly, there are no magic treatments. Going to MDs and urgent care/hospitals won’t magically conjure some new magic treatment that will have him “better.” It will mostly just tire dad, mom, and whomever (likely me) is volunteered to take him yet again to the MDs. The folks are 89/94. Their bodies aren’t as young as once they were and science has limits.
Thankfully, one of my sibs who is a MD chimed in and said, “No need to be alarmed. Everyone remain calm.” Seems to have quieted the panicky sis for now.
I have to say it’s tiring repeating myself time and again. I’ve been the one taking him to nearly all the appointments and talking with the doctors.
@HImom maybe it’s time to tell your worried sib that they might feel better if they attend the doctor appointments?
Our culture seems to reinforce that you must doing everything possible to cause a person to live, even when it is not a good idea. Having been on a number of forums related to aging/caregiving/dementia the past few years, I feel incredibly strongly that we, as a culture, need to give people permission to consider not doing everything medically possible to prolong life.
The worried sib is definitely of the opinion that “everything possible” is exactly what dad wants, and likely mom too. Of course, she’s too busy to go to most appointments as she’s watching her grandkids and that takes priority.
The person with medical power of attorney came to last medical appointment and kept saying how dad is on too much Rx. That sib also wants “everything possible” done and magically thinks if less medicine were given dad would suddenly, magically be back to his former healthier self. He has no understanding that his taking dad out for 12 hours on a grueling golf tournament in the hot, humid sun contributed to dad’s deterioration!
Oh @HImom no advice, just lobbing chocolate to you down in the trenches. You’re right in the middle of it all. Make sure you take care of yourself!
I am so sorry you are going through this with 6 siblings. I just have 1 sister and we are struggling.
This. The problem with “doing everything possible” is that at some point, the loved one is going to die, no matter what. So is it the compassionate thing to extend someone’s life by a few weeks or months if it means being in and out of hospitals, hooked up to monitors, getting weaker and weaker.
If you ask a doctor, “can anything more be done” most times they can say Yes. But the question really should be “SHOULD anything more be done?”
Yes, but with our very litigious society, the MDs will listen to the person who insists everything he done because that is the way they will minimize their legal exposure.
The crazy thing is I have been conferring with some of the leading experts in the world on this condition for nearly 20 years already, so I’m VERY familiar with it and what the range of treatments are and what is and is not possible.
The thing is relative always says he feels “lousy.” I told him my kids have chronic health conditions and have felt lousy for most of their lives (actually now 2/3s of their lives). They just let us know when the lousy changes to worse or they think something needs to be done. It made him stop and think for a bit but only for that day and only a short while. He’s back to complaining about feeling lousy. 
I sure hope I’m not such a heavy burden to my loved ones.
Well, panicky sis made an appointment for Thursday with the doctor and is getting supplemental O2. I sure hope she’s able to get him to wear it regularly AND not have him or anyone else trip over it or any of the gear that comes with it. I hope it’s the magic improvement she’s expecting.
somemom, the new format has kept me away for a bit but wanted to dip in and say sorry that your have lost your mother. I am sure the feelings are complicated. You were a wonderful daughter and it’s a beautiful thing to not have regrets.