@somemom So sorry for your loss. Hoping you are surrounded by love during this difficult time
@compmom, how’s it going with your mother?
I’m a bit freaked out about Hurricane Dorian. My mom’s facility in SE FL is on the water and in one of the mandatory evacuation zone if the storm turns her way. I know the facility has their emergency procedures and they have sister facilities where they will move residents temporarily. There is zero I can do about it but am worried nonetheless. My mom doesn’t do change of any kind well at all, and chaotic change would be super difficult for her. Other than praying the storm breaks up, I’m just ruminating. Don’t need advice, just to vent.
@momofsenior1 - so sorry! We are Florida residents as well (other coast), but I understand how you feel. The frenzy caused by the media doesn’t help. They really can’t know until another day and a half or two days the exact trajectory. It’s easy to get sucked into watching for constant updates.
Can anyone refer me to a good checklist for when an elder living on her own might benefit from what levels of care or living arrangements?
My 88 y.o. mother and I went downtown yesterday and had a lovely time together. It’s obvious, though, that she’s having more and more trouble with her balance. She does exercises learned from OT and PT Visiting Nurses, takes the stairs up to her fourth-floor apartment a couple of times a week, takes 20-minute walks a couple of times a week, putters around her apartment throughout the day . . . She does as much as she feels she can stomach, I think both as far as daily activity and professional advice.
She’s on top of self-care, manages her medications, housekeeping, meal planning and prep, and finances. Does not drive but I’ve got that covered. She just seems to be slowly getting weaker and frailer, I guess is how to put it, and I realize that’s to be expected. I’d like to be as aware as possible of when she needs more support than she has now. It’s hard to see straight in the middle of it.
How Not to Grow Old in America
The assisted living industry is booming, by tapping into the fantasy that we can all be self-sufficient until we die.
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/29/opinion/sunday/dementia-assisted-living.html
As the only living child, it is admittedly much easier to make decisions, but decisions such as allowing my demented mom to die, without seeking medical care, is all on me.
Update on my dad, who struggled after his open heart surgery in early April: He is doing great! He said a PT guy came to the house recently who hadn’t been there in awhile. When he saw Dad walking down the stairs, he said, “Wow, I wouldn’t have even recognized you as the same person!” The patient advocate said he should be fine to travel to Nashville in October to be inducted into the National Academy of Construction - DH and I will also be attending the ceremony. He has worked hard at PT and OT, so I’m pleased for him.
@gtalum although I had living siblings, one was seriously ill himself and the other was estranged from my dad. Yes, it was easier not to have to reach consensus with them, but it was such a lonely feeling for me to be in that position, and once in a while 5.5 years later, I still have vague feelings that I shouldn’t have let him go.
Mom is being evacuated tomorrow morning. There is a new sister facility that just opened that has room for the entire memory care wing to go together as a unit. The staff has been recalled and will go with their residents as well. Having all the familiar faces around will be a comfort for my mother. DON said they’ll be sticking to their daily schedules/routines. Happy she’ll be out of harms way and praying that she will be as calm and not upset with the change. Dad is going with family today to another part of the state out of the projected cone. Praying for everyone in FL!
@HouseChatte. It’s a great question. My 90 year old mom is living alone, driving, going out and waking around like a mall to keep active. No real medical issues except some pain. She had a few falls from not picking up her feet enough like small trips per se. She did the balance stuff etc.
But this last year she has been in and out of hospitals and rehab since almost last August. Broke her pelvis, rehabbed it not issues then tripped again. She is in the hospital due to severe pain in her leg /hip which resulted in a hip replacement last week and now back in rehab…
She is planning on going back home
My sister lives 3 blocks away and visits her daily. But my sister is getting tired getting the midnight calls to take her to the emergency for this or that issue. My mom seems to think the emergency room is needed a little to often… But each time… There was an issue causing her pain. Either a small clot or from one fall a lung clot etc etc.
We are talking about it now but we do know from other experience that most will have a better quality of life if they can stay in their own home as long as they can. But… My mom did love playing Bingo daily! I would get calls that she won and now is at the ice cream social… Lol ?
Does anyone get overwhelmed with the paperwork and just minutiae of managing their parents’ lives? I took dad to get measured for new shoes (he is diabetic and medicare pays for special shoes once a year) I just called to see why they weren’t delivered yet and they told me that they placed the order three weeks ago but the PCP didn’t send in his required signature until this week. No big deal, I didn’t know that was required but it is another little thing to deal with, tracking whether the shoes are received and now whether the doc note is signed.
Yesterday I took him to the endocrinologist and of course the lab work was not there, despite me handing it to Nursing three weeks ago and then double checking with a nurse last week. The issue is his records are kept in the MC unit so she can’t look at things from her office, etc etc. All procedures I understand but it is another layer of “remembering” for me.
I get notes to remind me to deliver more toiletries when they run low, I notice that a lamp has a burned out bulb so I make a note to bring a new one etc etc. I have a whole folder on my TickTick app just for my parents! They are all minor things but add up to a lot on my mind. Thanks for letting me vent!
@surfcity I get it. For me it’s no one thing, just that I can never get in front of it all. Makes me think of the sabbatical thread, LOL.
Update: Heard yesterday from the DON that the evacuation went smoothly and that my mom is calm and doing her usual thing. What a relief! The area where the facility is located went under a mandatory evacuation yesterday so it’s good they got out a day early. They are still expecting widespread flooding even if the hurricane stays offshore.
Glad to hear your mother is OK. Just got back from Detroit visiting my mother in rehab I feel for you but have a nice day today. I am sure she will be fine.
We did a small 95th birthday party for MIL over the weekend in conjunction with a surprise party for one of H’s cousins. MIL hasn’t been out of the house, other than for a doctor’s appointment, since the night before Thanksgiving. My beautiful (inside and out) only D worked with MIL’s aide to get her ready and she looked lovely when she arrived at the venue. My MIL has literally NO wrinkles and her green eyes sparkle when she smiles.
However, I noticed that she seemed to have some memory issues. She didn’t recognize H’s best friend since 1st grade, as well as some of her nieces and nephews. H’s best friend noticed the blank look of fear behind MIL’s eyes. It was sad and scary. H noticed it, too. We are both glad that we gave her the party and allowed her to be seen by the 3rd and 4th generations of the family. However, we both now realize that the end may be closer than we want it to be.
Went to a party for a friend’s parents. The mom is in her 90s, not sure what number. We all brought her edible/consumable gifts.
Today, my friend and her brother are visiting a memory care place for one or both parents. It’s too heavy s burden for the one child who tries to supervise all the caregiving and provide s lot of it as well, while working full time. It’s taken a big toll on him and his wife. Both of the elders have significant memory issues and really need someone handy 24/7.
HI everyone. My mother is still in her apartment as assisted living. My efforts to get her into memory care didn’t work out-yet. But the assisted living staff and administrators now certainly recognize her dementia. We worry about falls ( got her a PT for balance) and what she might do by herself in there, but so far no disasters for a month or two!
I have been responsible for her colostomy wafer changes and overall care. The aides have been changing the bags and it has been nice to finally have some services from AL! My mother enjoys the increased contact. I have more of a team feeling with the aides, which is nice.
I am having big problems with her colostomy. Over the last month I noticed a bulge then a big hill and then a mountain under and around the stoma. I can actually feel the intestines underneath, bulging out, sometimes hard. In addition the stoma itself (the piece of intestine looped outside the skin with a hole in it for poop) grows huge when she stands up. This makes it hard to properly size the hole of the wafer, that I cut for her a few timesweek.
This is potentially a dangerous situation and she no doubt could not withstand surgery. I don’t want another blockage situation. That was hell. She had a nasogastric tube that triggered delirium and the hospital required a 24 hour one on one aide (paid by the hospital).
I sent photos to the surgeon and stoma nurse and they responded that there was nothing they could do. I sent more photos and described the issues, told them the hernia was bigger every day, so we are going in this week so they can see it.
I have a feeling this is the start of a very long road.
My mother doesn’t understand what the colostomy is, asks me to take it off, thinks she has had it “for years and years”, sometimes thinks it contains urine. and generally just asks repeatedly “what is this thing?”
The hernia creates a whole new layer of explanation and befuddlement since it is so large it pushes her skirt out visibly and when she pats the area, it feels like it is full of poop, to her, so she constantly calls aides to empty it!
Hoping she isn’t forced to go into a nursing home. I would finally maybe end up living with her!
@compmom No advice but lots of sympathy and concern!
Thank you! Kind of a specialized problem to describe on here 
I think the hernia is bad enough that they would ordinarily do surgery. So we could be facing surgery vs hospice again. My mother is still experiencing pleasure- sitting in the sun, ice cream, looking at magazines, visits by family, and is still able to joke and flirt. I am talking to my brothers to get ahead of this in terms of decision-making. Anesthesia and surgery could end up with a ventilator situation, conceivably. Or…maybe there is indeed a colostomy belt that will hold it in. I cannot imagine it and it may mean that caring for the colostomy is too hard for the aides and nursing home will be suggested. Just nervous!