<p>Mom of JandL- There are free-standing hospice houses in many communities. In my experience, if at home hospice is chosen, it is critical that someone able to manage all meds, comfort, bathroom trips, etc is needed on-site. Hospice does a lot, but can not do it all, so others supports might be necessary. I helped an at home hospice patient when pain severely escalated and it took hours for nurse to be free to come to him. This was probably an unfortunate confluence of circumstances, but would have been a huge problem without someone competent with him. Do ask questions about exactly how things work. Best with this time.</p>
<p>I can feel it coming… Any day now Home Health Aide # 4 is about to be axed. The cause is always the same, they are “taking important documents” that my mom is keeping as proof of her estranged daughter-in-law’s harassment of her. Sigh. Soon I fear she’ll fire the agency for being in cahoots with the harasser.</p>
<p>MomofJandl, so sorry to hear of your recent news of your MIL’s decline and your FIL’s new burdens. Part of the caretaking tension is worrying about what the next challenge is going to be.</p>
<p>^^ It sure is. MomofJandL, no advice, just support. It sounds like a tough road.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the support, it to know others are groping their way through all these issues just as we are. MIL has gone back to the nursing home, but the siblings are planning to try to work something out at the house so she can go home. We’ll see.</p>
<p>FIL is still in a bit of a fog with all this. It sounds like the oncologist just threw up his hands and said he couldn’t do anything more, time for hospice, good bye. Their primary care physician, who is winding down his practice and about to retire, spent some time with FIL this week and talked him through the hospice concept. Very compassionate gesture on his part, this was all done after hours.</p>
<p>eso-
Might your mom’s doc be comfortable letting you assist him by drafting the information to be included in the forms to the LTC carrier?</p>
<p>MomJandL
That primary care doctor sounds like a real gem. What a gift he gave your dad, although I’m sure your Dad can not process it all right now. How very hard, but dying is part of life and it’s best if we can allow someone to die.</p>
<p>I recently watched this with my FIL. My MIL was simply not ready to let him go and so he and an additional year of very invasive procedures done that did prolong his life, but he had a very, very poor quality of life devoid of the things he loved (his books, movies, talking to people). I felt so bad for him.</p>
<p>MomofJandL- How good that the PCP was kind and generous with his time. It can really make a huge difference. I have often been struck by the mismatch between the pace of medical consultations today and the processing speed of the elderly or frail. My parents became very comfortable having me at appointments and I found myself spending hours processing what had happened in 20 minutes when the stakes were high. </p>
<p>This is not a one size fits all process and I hope that the plan works well for them. Hospice can also provide support to family members and help “translate” what one is seeing with a loved one’s illness. </p>
<p>Keeping a good thought for all on this thread who are in the throes of care giving now.</p>
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<p>These have both been big problems. I suspect that the oncologist had been trying to subtly communicate the situation, and finally just blurted out what he thought. Also that MIL was happy he finally did.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry to hear of the struggles that are going on now.</p>
<p>I have some <em>good</em> senior news. In anticipation of a visit from my inlaws for graduation, I’d contacted the EAP at work about help dealing with memory issues. My MIL has some type of dementia, and we needed some way to talk to my FIL about it and the surrounding legal and financial issues. The EAP was great; sent over a book & some DVD’s. It was a good starting point for DH to have a conversation with his Dad from an informed point of view. They live 900 miles away, so it’s hard to know what’s going on. </p>
<p>As an aside, what type of doctor should my MIL be seeing? Their internist serves as their GP, and conversation revealed that he’s the one who’s been prescribing the dementia meds. Should she see some type of specialist? Does it matter what “type” of dementia she has (although I’ve been told that can’t be definitively stated until after an autopsy?) FIL is open to taking her to a specialist. I am concerned as she’s had debilitating migraines the entire time I’ve known her & I wonder if there’s a connection.</p>
<p>When I contacted the EAP, I asked if they knew of any transportation options for my mom (who is local) to go back & forth to multiple doctors who are part of the system that I work for. Turns out there is a new service for seniors in our area to help keep them in their homes; it’s a social enterprise model which means they’re not trying to make money, just break even. I signed her up for their monthly transportation option which provides up to 20 round trip rides within 25 miles of the hospital, for under $100/month. So far she’s used them for 3 doctors visits this month, with 2 more to go. What a blessing. First, she’s seeing other people besides me! Second, I have much less stress trying to figure out how to schedule her appts. around my work. I am approved for FMLA and my boss is amazingly understanding, but still it was stressful. Third, my mom is feeling more empowered by being able to make her own appointments without waiting on me. Woot.</p>
<p>So all of you who have EAP departments at work: contact them to see if they have any type of senior caregiver support.</p>
<p>MomJL - so sorry for all you are going through.</p>
<p>Rob- that was a smart move - so glad your eap is so helpful.</p>
<p>I have a question for all of you who are more experienced with this:</p>
<p>Mom moved in with us about 7 weeks ago. So far, it’s going ok for the most part. I think I mentioned up-thread that she was visiting my sister for 3 weeks, became sick, hospitalized, then moved in with me. So - she left her house in March for 3 weeks, expecting to return home to her usual routine, but ended up now living with me. </p>
<p>We (my family and sibs families) always return to our home town for the summer festival which is in 2 weeks. We always stay at a hotel because mom’s house is a hoarder house. Well, she wants to stay at her house and not pay for a hotel room, but she can barely walk (all hunched over, very slow, grabs things along the route for support) and her house cannot be safely walked through by an able bodied person. I may have convinced her that it will be good to have her in the hotel with us for when we do things as a group. </p>
<p>So, I guess the question is, when we DO take her out to the house, how do we keep the visit neutral? I know she will become emotional and want to stay there, but she can’t. Her car is up here in my driveway so she wouldn’t be able to stay there (7 miles out in the country from her town). She wants to see her house again and pick up a few things to bring back with her. She does think we should sell the house - but that’s what she says now, from 250 miles away. I’m just worried that she will throw a fit and I won’t know the best way to address the issues.</p>
<p>(the doctors say she has dementia and should not live alone, that is why she is with me. she seems ok mentally except for some memory issues and lots of repeating things.)</p>
<p>Momof Jand L … hope things go as smoothly as possible. </p>
<p>RobD, that is great about your mom’s rides! It is a vey good thing that she can manage her own stuff a little bit. I know I tend to hover and not let Mom do as much as she might be able to do. Some days she can though. </p>
<p>I’ve been looking into getting advice somewhere and just found that the local hospital started a senior center. Mostly it is set up to coordinate medical stuff for seniors, but also has specialists in senior financial management. I need to go ask how much I should tell Mom. I have told her (several times in one day even) that I think she will never go “home” … and then she asks or makes plans to go “home” the next conversation. I need to know how to handle it both for her and for me. </p>
<p>I did stop in and talk in person to Mom’s Dr.'s nurse. She said she’d filled out the form with “independent” because she had CALLED the AL place and whoever answered the phone said Mom is independent and just fine. The place said they had faxed over the 20 pages of incident reports where Mom was reporting things stolen, she was lost etc. But they didn’t take the time to read all that. erk. So I gave them a new form and pointed out that she is in level 3 care and OH by the WAY, all they have to do is mark on the bottom of the form that her dementia is chronic and won’t go away. Please check box number 2.</p>
<p>And for further depression… So far the guardianship/conservatorship legal fees (with some additional eviction fees tossed in) exceed $3000. ow.</p>
<p>I am beyond grateful that my Dad is still wonderful and that he is happy living with my brother and his family for the past year.</p>
<p>RobD - What a wonderful service in your area for seniors! As to your MIL and a specialist, there are no great treatment options for dementia and your MIL’s treatment by the internship is probably fine. But, since you work in an area with a lot of resources, a neurologist is the “go to” specialist for dementia. But, there is a good chance the neurologist can’t offer anything new. It probably won’t matter what kind of dementia it is, the treatment is similar. I do think it’s useful to take people off some meds. For example, statin drugs for cholesterol may exacerbate dementia symptoms. There is some evidence that getting the BP too low may shrink the brain! I would talk to your internist as to what medications can be eliminated. </p>
<p>psychmomma - Is it possible to skip the festival this year and make other vacation plans?</p>
<p>esobay - What a legal mess! I’m glad you have some help. Really, the only way to get the Dr.'s office to put down what you need is to make a copy, and fill out one of the copies with what you need it to say. The office is typically grateful for the “help.”</p>
<p>GTalum: medical care in my area is fantastic. Unfortunately MIL is in FL. I’d love to have both my MIL & FIL have a thorough checkup here in TN, using my mom’s geriatric specialist & cadre of cardiologist, etc. but I don’t think that will fly. </p>
<p>For those of you dealing with out of state issues: what’s the best way to find a specialist in another area? I’m assuming that Florida, with it’s plethora of retirees, must have some good neurologists/dementia centers, but I’m also afraid of quacks who take advantage of seniors.</p>
<p>RobD - When I noticed my Dad, who lives long distance, had dementia I didn’t see the need to find a neurologist for him to be treated with medications that just aren’t very effective. My main goal was to get him here close to me and in a retirement facility. He referred himself to a local neurologist for the diagnosis. It turned out the “official” diagnosis was useful, not for treatment, but it led him to put the house on the market soon as opposed to eventually getting around to it. But, if you would like her to get a neurological evaluation, you should ask for a referral from her primary care provider.</p>
<p>psychmom, I missed your post while composing my own. I am in the same dilema and don’t have a good answer. Mom left her house Oct 2 for the knee surgery. And has been back 3 times since. Brother and I are getting ready (FINALLY) to clear it out and get it rented. She has started begging to go “home” with a caretaker. I keep reminding her that it didn’t work out for Grandma and her. But before we nuke everything in the hhouse, shouldn’t we let her go pick some momentos? some clothes? See that it is overwhelming?</p>
<p>When I took her there in Jan. she didn’t really want to stay, I think it overwhelmed her. Before I took her I said over and over You have to leave! and she did without complaint. The next day I think she had thought she was going to my childhood home, not grandma’s house where she has lived the last 30-35 years. ick. </p>
<p>So, I’d let your mom go “visit” and see that it isn’t like she remembers. She may surprise you, especially if you prep her in advance. And if you have some control (we didn’t empty the house already because of not having the guardianship in place and she could revoke the POA). But now … looking at Mom’s phone records, she doesn’t talk to anyone but me and my brother. Her friends have disappeared (most actually died a while ago). So it IS better she is somewhere there are paid people to talk with her, even if it is just surface and momentarily. Better that than all alone I keep telling her.</p>
<p>Eso, I feel like there is such a fine line- it’s still her house, she is still “competent”- not bad enough where I could be sure of getting guardianship, yet she is frail, does not think clearly much of the time and has no one in our hometown other than a handful of 77/85 year old friends who are passing away at an alarming rate. She has decided on her own to cancel her house phone and garbage service so that seems a step in the right direction. At the same time, she was complaining to the in laws today that she thinks she could live in her house again but no one will let her. Then she started saying she didn’t need to go to the hospital and would have got better on her own. These ridiculous statements make my blood pressure rise and it’s all I can do to not blurt out the facts. Ugh. And her hoarding has come along with her (which I knew would happen) and her room is a mess with papers all over the floor and bed. Thank goodness it’s contained in her room. She seems to feel more comfortable surrounded by “stuff” so I’m trying to pick my battles carefully.</p>
<p>Wow- psychmomma- i could have written your post- this mother, dementia, old house, hoarding, etc appears much more common than I realized. I decided there is no right answer, I have to wing it day by day and triage experience helps.</p>
<p>We had a lovely lunch to celebrate Father’s Day on Saturday. It ended up with an ambulance ride for my mom to the hospital. My dad was returning some plastic containers from Mother’s Day. This is the second time she has fallen. The first time was on a cruise recently. It was my understanding she was upset and needed to get to a bathroom. This time it was just a small curb (2 inches tops). She had a spectacular fall. Hit her head on the car, cut up her arm. The worst injury is the broken pelvis. She is 77 and my dad is 84. He has only 20% kidney function due most likely to long term use of otc Dristan. She will need acute rehabilitation. I’m wondering how I can prevent this from happening again?</p>
<p>That’s just awful. I hope she isn’t in too much pain. Will she use a walker? It’s really tough if you have two parents to worry about at the same time.
My mom (76) walks very slowly and hunched over, constantly grasping for things to support her when she walks. I’m scared she will fall when I’m at work, even though I know she’s a million times safer at my house than at her house that has no clear paths to walk. She thinks she 's “fine” and is stubborn as heck. I don’t know how to convince an older person to consider what could happen. Unfortunately your parents now have to deal with this outcome.</p>