Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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13601

@bookreader1 - Not familiar with recliner chairs with built-in heat. Is your father in a care facility? If so, I would ask them if heated chairs are allowed (possible safety concerns?) and if they have any recommendations. Sometimes PT or nursing staff have relevant input. Someone else can likely add experience with that type of chair.

Does your father have any cognitive challenges that would make it hard for him to learn the controls? I wonder if there would be any advantage to separating the heat component from the recliner itself. That way, if it becomes too complicated to use the heat feature appropriately, it can just be removed. If it is possible for him to try chairs with you for size, comfort, features and skill in operating it, it will be extremely helpful. My frail mother without dementia thought a lift chair would be great. When we went to try one out, she could not get past the sensation of being tipped too far forward into a fall: the issue was her weakness, not a failing of the chair. My father with advancing memory loss loved his electric recliner and never lost the ability to operate it. It is a highly individualized thing.

The number of brick and mortar places that sell medical hard goods and have chairs on display for test-driving have diminished rapidly around here. Perhaps people are ordering on-line. I was glad for the stores when I was tending my parents and even myself with leg fractures.
Best with the search.

13602

@bookreader1 I just posted about lift chairs, which are recliners that also raise up to “lift” the person to a standing position. Medical supply places have these, as doe furniture stores like Bernie and Phil’s.

Indeed, some have heat and some have heat and massage.

You absolutely have to go to the store with your father, I think, to try them out. Make sure feet are on floor, for one thing, that the seat is a good fit, that the chair isn’t too bulky for the space. Is it possible to sit upright to read comfortably as well as recline?

Check the controls and see if your father can work them. Some are simple, with up and down, and some are quite complicated. If it is a lift chair, make sure he can tolerate the sensation, to which @travelnut refers. Is it safe for him? Is it comfortable (many are rather hard).

If a high end recliner without the lift function, works best, they may be more comfy I think.

I took my mother to the store (quite the ordeal) and think we chose the best one for her, and it had a simple two button operation. However, once delivered, it was clear that her dementia was going to cause problems. The chair confused her. She did not understand the concept of the “lift.”

In the short term, some training could have helped. But in the long term, her impulsivity and impatience was going to result in her climbing out before the chair was in lift position, even climbing out in the recline position.

We returned the chair quickly due to safety concerns.

You don’t mention whether your Dad has dementia. So I guess my main point is to spend enough time in the store if you can. (My mother had a panic attack in the store which meant more investigation happened at home after delivery.)

ps we thought we finally had at least gotten rid of the grubby chair she is attached to but the furniture company returned it when they picked up the lift chair…entire family groaning!

13603

Thanks - my dad lives in his own home and is in reasonable health, he’s just in his 80s and the aches and pains that tend to afflict the elderly are there. He will not have any trouble leaning how to use the controls of the chair.

I saw many options online but I"d like to avoid that option since you can’t determine fit when shopping online.

13604

We had a tough meeting this morning with my brother (who has legal and medical power of attorney). It was explained that if one wants CPR, everything will be done to and for patients—cracked ribs, tube with ventilation, tube feeding, etc.

He really wants to give dad a longer time to gave his body bounce back, which it did from prior hospitalization. This time he’s having internal bleeding, a mass, bad lab test results that some get slightly better and some worse, etc. He’s struggling to breathe and his pulse and blood pressure are poor (high pulse from even just moving hands).

Brother finally agreed no CPR, but really was reluctant. He then summoned a priest and we all prayed together and dad was given last rites. Things are looking poorly.

Mom keeps getting confused about whether dad is golfing or at the hospital and when he’s coming home.

I’m sorry for ALL that face this challenging journey.

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@Himom I’m so sorry - such a difficult set of decisions to make. When we’ve seen our parents bounce back, it’s hard to realize the next time it might not be possible. Hugs to you.

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@HImom – wishing you all peace and comfort. These are hard decisions indeed.

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CPR on an elderly person is really brutal. I think everyone should watch a video of it being done on an elderly person before deciding if they want this done for their parent. They should also know the survival rate of CPR for the elderly (it’s quite low) as well.

My daughter is an ED nurse and one night, she will never forget. And elderly patient came in and she coded. They did CPR for a very long time because the family kept insisting. They medical team knew that it was hopeless but they didn’t want the family to think that they weren’t doing everything possible. So they basically assaulted a person who was never going to recover. It was horrible for the nurses attending this person.

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@HImom You’re in my thoughts. This was such a hard decision but sounds like the correct one. I’m sending thoughts for a peaceful passing for your father at just the right time, and for peace and comfort for him, your mother, and the rest of the family.

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Yes, we are all just waiting until dad’s exhausted body finally stops it’s very labored breathing or whatever fails. It’s painful for everyone. Most of us are convinced he will never make much of any recovery at this point and he’s been in the hospital for a week. He’s 95 and had a very good life. Waiting is painful, especially watching a loved one struggle to breathe.

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Oh so sorry, @HImom. Hoping for comfort for your dad during this final phase, and peace to you and your siblings through the decisions and care of your mom.

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Thanks all, for your support. We are trying to be understanding and supportive of one another. We are very fortunate to have s large family that works well together.

I think in many ways it’s hardest for the medically trained folks to watch dad struggle, and those of us who have watched dying loved elders thru this process.

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@HImom I’m so sorry. We are starting to have difficult conversations, also. Dad is on a ventilator again. It makes us wonder how many times he can bounce back. He wants the operation to improve his situation, but I don’t think he would survive it. ?

13613

So sorry. The waiting and watching was so tough. Don’t wish that on anyone.

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Oh man. This brings back memories of my mom’s last days. I saw clearly where things were heading, but was not the PoA and had to persuade my dad, who wanted to give her one more chance, not to do it. She would not have wanted it. I remember us not choosing CPR and being briefed about what that meant.

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So sorry for what you and your family are going through, @HImom.

I’m in the waiting game now too and it’s hard. My 98yo mother has taken a turn for the worse in the past week, particularly the last 3 days. The staff at the nursing home, who are very accustomed to end of life, say it could be hours or a few days. I’m 7 hours away, staring at my phone, getting little sleep, and feeling very stressed. She has defied expectations in the past, but now she’s no longer eating and her breathing is labored, so I don’t expect any miraculous recovery.

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Sending hugs to all. Just a reminder during these difficult times to try to remember to care for yourself. After everything our loved ones have been through and bounced back, it is very painful to think that this may not happen again. Praying that they are comfortable and you can all be supported by family and friends.

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My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone going through tough times this week. Speaking to CPR, my very healthy and fit and healthy 61 year old husband survived cardiac arrest last year. He was really, really, really sore for at least a month after receiving CPR.

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@Himom, I am so sorry for your family. I am glad your brother came around. It is really hard to “give up”, but sometimes that is the right choice.

@shellfell, do you have to wait or can you go there now? That was the dilemma I kept facing (400 miles, no airport) away. It was 7 hours (since they raised the speed limit to 70 much of the way) but I made it in 6.25 once… Anyway hugs and take care of yourself, too because you need to have strength to get through the next steps, either recovery or nnot!

@MaineLonghorn your dad’s journey has been short and powerful. And that is terrible. Plus sending your strength for your son and his recovery as well. Sandwich generation indeed is even harder for you right now.

As ECMom said, please know you are not alone, and know that you need to care for yourself or let someone ELSE care for you for this time.

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Hugs and prayer to all. I just went through this last June, and while I knew it was coming, it was just hard to watch. When dad was in the hospital in April, one of his long time physicians told him to get his affairs in order as she knew he didn’t have much time; he chose to ignore her advice. While his last year was harder for him, he was still driving and running errands; he wasn’t ready to go. It wasn’t until the last hospital stay prior to his death that he realized it was time. Once he wasn’t able to eat, it only was a matter of days.

Surround yourself with loved ones; they will offer comfort during these difficult times.

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I’ve thought of going several times this past week, but logistically it’s problematic. She could die while I’m on the way & then I’d be planning a funeral in the car. We’re Jewish and the funeral will be within 1-2 days of death. The funeral is not in the same state as her nursing home - another complication. In terms of taking care of myself, I think I’m better off staying where I am.