@MaineLonghorn, sending lots of hugs for you, your mom and dad and your family. I agree with @esobay, call hospice anytime, they will be supportive.
My sibs are wonderful. All but one of us are married and all of us are supporting our single sib who practiced law with my dad for over 30 years.
One of my sibs has offered to sleep at mom’s CCRC in the spare bedroom tonight as I admitted I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since mom has been in my home—I wake every time she goes to the bathroom in the night to be sure she doesn’t need anything.
Also think it’s better for her to go back to her place sooner than later.
My warm thoughts are with each you navigating the tough stuff now. There is no way around it but through; it can be so unpredictable and hospice/hospital sitting is exhausting emotionally.
As to navigating your father’s environment as your mother struggles, @momofsenior1, I think it would be past my endurance. Frustrating place to put resources, but I’d need a hotel at least some of the time.
Dad’s wound (from April 2019 surgery!!) started sleeping overnight while on son’s watch. Rough night. Dad has been moved to “active dying” status. They can’t tell us how long he has, though. He looked absolutely deathly this morning and then tonight he was sitting in his recliner eating cookies and ice cream! So odd.
@MaineLonghorn - such a difficult time. Thinking of you and your family.
@MaineLonghorn is hospice there for you for an hour each day, or longer? Did they give you guidelines on when to call them? This is hard, but it can be peaceful and I hope it is.
@HImom have a good sleep!
So sorry for all you are going through, @MaineLonghorn.
@MaineLonghorn such a roller coaster, and your heart full of your other son’s struggles as well. Sending strength and comfort.
@HImom just reading now of your dad’s passing. Peace to you all. <3
Sending hugs too to @MaineLonghorn as you continue on the journey with your father.
I just finished a two hour funeral pre-planning meeting with a local funeral home. My mom is becoming so frail. She has been saying for years that God should take her, she’s ready. I’m starting to worry that her time may be winding down, even though she is generally quite healthy, aside from her significant memory issues. I haven’t planned a funeral since my dad died many years ago. It was better to not be under pressure, grieving, and stressed out this time. I still teared up three times. My heart goes out to all who are at this stage where planning is now needed or imminent.
@psychmomma My sister and I also did pre planning at the local funeral home we knew my mother would have wanted once we were told she had little time left at age 87. I am very glad we did that. It was very helpful.
Hugs to those of you still dealing with these end of life issues. It is so hard.
I’m so grateful to have a large and hugely supportive family. Everyone’s taking a turn to sleep in mom’s spare bedroom at CCRC. She seems calm and happy to see all of us. We have meetings to plan the services in her apartment.
I’ve not seen my family so often ever since we all became adults and started our own families. My kids have both been here and been amazing—cleaning, organizing, running errands and being so thoughtful and kind to everyone!
Today, we helped my sister get a replacement handicapped placard for mom. Sh and I do most of her chauffeuring, especially for MD offices.
Hospice is sending over a nurse daily and a social worker every other day. They would send a CNA to help with showers but Dad is more comfortable with his regular caregivers.
His oxygen level plummeted to 53 this morning even though he was on oxygen. We really thought we were losing him so we called all the grandkids so they could say goodbye (although he couldn’t respond at all). Then he slowly rebounded and a couple of hours later was sitting up in his recliner, talking to us! This afternoon his oxygen level was at 90 even with no oxygen. This evening he was telling us stories about his childhood. We’re under no illusion that he will continue to do this well but we enjoyed the time with him.
A couple of days later and Dad is still up and down, up and down. It is truly exhausting. He KNOWS he is in hospice but he doesn’t get it. Tonight, he wanted to discuss the prices of different facilities we’re looking at for Mom. First, we had to explain that we gave up the unit they had put a refundable deposit on, because it’s not the best fit for Mom. Then we showed him the floor plan of the unit she likes best. It’s just beautiful. It’s open, airy, and has a balcony overlooking a courtyard, woods, and a swimming pool. It’s about 800 square feet but feels bigger due to its layout. Well, Dad looked at it and got this HORRIFIED look on his face. “800 square feet?!? That’s not big enough!” “Well, Dad, it will just be Mom so it should be fine.” “I’m not going?” Ugh. Difficult conversation. Sister reminded him that he’s in hospice but didn’t tell him he’s in the “active dying” stage, according to the nurse.
When he finally understood the reality of the situation, he had a brilliant idea! He said that since we’re going to have to start paying the monthly fee for Mom’s apartment before she’s ready to move in, she can eat there with guests for free (since she gets credits for unused meals). my son said he would be happy to accompany her - they can sit with my BFF’s parents, who already live there. And Son is so friendly that I’m sure he will connect his grandmother with lots of folks. 
Another nice thing from tonight: Mom wanted to look at the website of her new home. She must have been on it for 20 to 30 minutes, watching every video and learning about all the events, amenities, classes, etc. I said, “Mom, I really think you’re going to enjoy it there!” She replied, “There are lots of stages in life, and I am ready for this one.” Oh, my gosh, I almost cried. I am so happy she’s looking to the future this way.
@MaineLonghorn , I’m so glad your mother is seeing something to look forward to. This must be so hard on her, knowing that the next step doesn’t involve her long held partner and picturing a solo move. I love how supportive your family is.
@MaineLonghorn That is so encouraging about your mother. My experience in the past (and current experience with friends here going through the selection of senior living for aging parents) is that a unit being open and airy with the ability to easily see outside and nature makes a HUGE difference in quality of life and satisfaction with the new living arrangements. Especially with what your mother will be leaving, it sounds like you have found a great unit. My father/stepmother had a beautiful unit in Charlottesville with gorgeous grounds (not that they could walk around) and they really love it. Unfortunately, as they deteriorated and could not stay in independent living, they had to be moved to northern VA and the unit, while nice, was in a highrise and seemed dreary. It was the best choice, but they were never the same.
@MomofWildChild thanks. We looked at so many units and this one really is unique. It is an apartment I could see choosing myself! There’s even a view of a little of the Austin skyline. The facility is on a steep hill so the grounds are interesting. Mom will enter on the third floor level and take the elevator to the second floor where her unit is. But then because of the hill, she can walk out her front door, cross a hall, and go out a door directly to the grounds! So it will be easy to walk the dog. And they have a service to help feed and walk dogs, also. I really think she will blossom there. She’s been sitting around in the house for years now, reading and doing very little else, literally.
Just saying, many one bedroom apts IRL are 800 sf or even lower- and serve one person well. In IL or AL, they include a dining space, maybe a large closet or several, plus a kitchenette. My grandmother’s had the view, was first floor, so a back door that led directly to the grounds and a quick walk to the pool. Yes, these add to the feeling of spaciousness.
Plus in IL or AL, you have the dining hall and usually lots of other public living space, entertainment areas, exercise machines, a TV room for movie nights, a library, and often a space for church services.
It’s not always as squashed as it sometimes seems, just looking at a number.
My mom moved into an independent living unit under 700 sf from a 3000 sf house. We thought it would be temporary until a larger unit opened up, but she loved the view and the location and decided to stay permanently. The community has guest apartments that can be reserved when needed, but when I come on my own (she’s on the other coast) I just stay on a rollaway in her living room.
As @lookingforward mentioned, there’s tons of community space and activities. She has a storage closet on her balcony and residents get a large storage locker (for luggage and off season things).
I didn’t realize how isolated Mom had become caring for my dad with cancer and dementia. He passed away mid 2016 and she sold the house and moved to IL by the end of the year. She’s really bloomed in the new setting. It has been a blessing to my siblings and me as no one lives close by.
She says the key to a successful transition is to do it before you NEED to do it. Easier said than done, I’m sure.