Yes, and most regular visitors know on a MC unit to be careful leaving in case a resident tries to follow you out. And to be respectful of them, but not let them out the door!
Thank you all for your comments. They are are still treating both with PRN anti-anxiety and reaching out to the psychiatrist again today to possibly start some more significant meds. The nurse on duty today said no need to start looking for an opening at another facility yet, they really hope they can treat her medicinally. And they are hoping there is a UTI. The lab was closed on Friday so today is the first day they can collect a urine sample :(.
Regarding mom getting out of memory care, I have seen a couple of times preCOVID that visitors will hold the door for others (despite HUGE SIGNS warning them not to do so). I was more concerned if they sent her to the ER without a dedicated staffer. She could easily get up and out of the ER. She would absolutely need a one-on-one person and that is not always available.
While I am sure they are not the first married couple to both have dementia, I don’t think it’s the type of thing a Memory Care unit of 20 beds encounters a lot, so sometimes it feels like we are all trying to invent the wheel here. Plus the dynamics of their dementia and the way they interact is complicating things.
Just to add to my lovely weekend, my husband was in atrial fib all weekend and just now drove himself to the ER. We tried to treat that medicinally but he didn’t convert.
There are 3 ice cream shops within 2 blocks at the beach, so there’s that at least 
Prayers for your husband @surfcity that he re-converts quickly.
There were two married couples in my mom’s MC. One couple lived together and the other they had to separate because they didn’t remember they were married and would get scared that there was a “stranger” in their room. Heart breaking!
It seems like everyone’s dementia journey is a bit different and manifests itself in different ways. So much we don’t know/understand about the human brain 
I’m glad though that the facility is willing to try to work things through. And yes, UTIs can cause all kinds of problems with affect. Hope they get to the bottom of things quickly.
As for needing a sitter in the ER…my mom’s facility couldn’t guarantee that they could send a staff member either but they gave us the name of an agency that could. We had to do that twice. On both occasions the sitter got to the ER before the ambulance and stayed until a family member could arrive (or in one instance, just stayed until d/c). Not ideal, and also costly, but it was still better than having mom alone in the ER.
Our hospital actually provided a sitter for no charge. I guess it was worth it for them due to liability concerns-?
@surfcity I have afib and sympathize. I take magnesium and drink V-8 low sodium and it has helped. Not sure it would help everyone though. Hope he converts on his own.
@momofsenior1 hope you are doing okay.
@momofsenior1 I agree, dementia is on such a spectrum, it’s hard to anticipate how any one patient will progress.
So for those of you playing along at home, here’s an update. DH had a cardioversion in the ER (luckily he hadn’t eaten so they could do it same day) and DS picked him up. He is tired but feels much better. This is his third time in 12 years so he will be talking to his cardiologist about long term management. @compmom his doctor did suggest magnesium when the symptoms started so I suppose he will be on that long term now too.
I was still at the beach location, as a tremendous set of storms was rolling in and the route home is notorious for flooding, so I was staying put since DS could care for DH. Within about 5 minutes of DH texting me that he was discharged from the ER, the nurse from my mom’s place called (she knew I was dealing with DH’s a fib all weekend) “Hey surfcity, you aren’t by any chance at the ER with your husband are you?”
Turns out my mom had fallen and hit her nose and cut her forehead so she had to go to the SAME ER. The nurse was obligated to call me of course but also wanted to suggest I come up and sit with her or have a family member do so at the ER.
I hung up the phone, debated whether ice cream or a margarita was the better choice (neither, as it turns out, since it was dangerous out and we had nothing in the house).
Long story short, mom did fine in the ER. I called and spoke to them directly and they told me they don’t really allow visitors in the ER (which I knew from DH) and they could “maybe sneak me in for a few minutes”. I also was spared thinking which friend of mine I would call to go babysit her in the ER in the midst of a pandemic (I mean, I have great friends, but asking one of them to go sit with your cognitively impaired, possibly aggressive mother, in an ER during a pandemic is really asking a lot).
My DD said to me, Mom you just have to laugh. No one would believe this story if it were in a movie.
Thanks for coming along on my journey - it really helps to have the virtual support!
For the last month or so my mom has bounced from her independent living apartment to the hospital to quarantine at the rehab NH, to rehab, back to her apartment (able to do all ADLs and walk 150 feet with a few stops), then back to the hospital, quarantine, and rehab.
She’s had it. Doesn’t want to eat, doesn’t answer the phone. They are about to send her back to the hospital. What would the best treatment be? 2-3 hours a day with either her kids or her favorite caregivers. The things that had been keeping her going, and that she has done without since March.
I’m afraid her health has gotten too brittle to bounce back this time. I hope someone can talk her into eating. The hospital has been allowing visitors, so maybe we can see her if she goes there - we haven’t been allowed inside the retirement community since March, nor have her caregivers. The CCRC was supposed to make alternate arrangements to provide care but it hasn’t worked. She learned to do Face Time but won’t even answer those calls now.
So sorry @MomofJandL. This is such a horrible time for our parents
I need to remember how terribly hard it is to have your loved one in a nursing home /AL/MC etc., unable to visit, when I’m at my wit’s end with my own mom, who lives with me.
@psychmomma , same storm, different boats. There isn’t an easy way through this.
Agree. Nothing is easy right now. It also must be very , very hard to keep a frail, compromised parent at home during all this. Take care.
@MomofJandL any chance your mom would qualify for hospice? If she isn’t eating etc. I thought maybe… That would mean an aide, nurse, social worker, chaplain and volunteer during this whole COVID thing. When can you visit her community? ( I am going into my mother’s room tomorrow for the first time since March 10, supervised for30 minutes- there’s hope!).
@surfcity can totally relate. Sometimes when more than one thing is going on, it really does defy belief. Glad your mom did okay in the ER, hope your husband recovers well, and hope you get that margarita…
@compmom - I’m so happy you finally get to visit- hope tomorrow goes well!
If she goes into the hospital see if there is a caseworker or a social worker that works with the elderly. She won’t be the first or last to go through this. I had one speak with my mother last time she was in the hospital and it actually helped. She just needed to vent a bit. Not sure if this will help.
Thanks for the help all. My cousin was able to get through to her, and talked her into eating something so she could stay out of the hospital. My mom has battled depression and anxiety as long as I can remember, and has mostly prevailed in the fight. But 4 months without the human touch and family companionship has just about broken her. We keep encouraging her to hold on and we’ll see her when restrictions lift, but she’s losing her grip.
@surfcity, we had a similar episode in our family last year. I was on my way down to Austin to see my dad, who was in Austin Heart Hospital and not doing well at all. I got a phone call while in the Philadelphia airport from my sister. Her husband (my age, 57) had gone into a fib and was admitted to the same hospital as my dad. Their rooms were two doors apart! The nurses couldn’t believe it. Long story short, the doctors think my BIL was heart problems due to a virus he had picked up in the past. He’s always been healthy so it was a shock to everybody. He’s doing better but they are monitoring him closely still.
I could definitely write a story about my family the last ten years, but it would be unbelievable and too heavy.
And now she’s decided to eat and asking when the PT/OT starts. A very choppy sea we are in.
Had my first visit in the apartment today, since March 12. Very sad. Hard to communicate with masks and distance between us. My mother cried after the 30 minutes was up and when I called her 10 minutes later, she was still crying. The administrator who met me and escorted me in and out lacks warmth (with everyone) and that made it harder.
Apartment was clean and fridge was empty, so that’s good. I had a chance to check colostomy supplies (can never get private nurse or facility staff to do this) and will reorder.
I feel the natural way of things is to live with her but I don’t have a way to do that right now. I appreciate the PM warnings on this topic. But it’s hard when she says how lonely she is, and she has no understanding of why she cannot sit near a friend or me.
I talked to my dad’s advocate today. She has other clients living in the facility my mom was supposed to move into. She said she thinks the place is good for independent living but HORRIBLE for assisted living and SNF. She’s been trying to reach the director of nursing for days and was baffled as to why she couldn’t reach him/her. It turns out there is no director of nursing!! How can that be? She also said the facility is not being upfront with the family about the condition of the parents, who are doing pretty poorly. I guess we won’t let my parents move in there if they require AL.
@compmom, it had to break your heart to finally see your mom and have her cry the whole time. I’m so sorry your visit could not be more pleasant. You’re right - it has to be frightening and lonely for any person who can’t understand the reason for distancing and masks, so I do understand your feelings about living with your mom. (Even though I advocate “save yourself!” after having my mom with me for seven years, I do recognize that my situation is far better than having her in a facility but lonely.)
@compmom — sorry you are having such a tough time with your mom. My mom sort of understands there is some bad virus but still wants to go out and around and isn’t happy she doesn’t get to come on errands with us.
Heck, even people who know there’s COVID are upset they can’t be with loved ones and friends and it’s been so many months already with no end in sight!
Take care—you are an amazing daughter and your mom is so lucky you’re on her side!