<p>yaupon, well if you did not try this you would never have heard the end of it and, you would wonder if you did the right thing. so, you did it. you tried.</p>
<p>rockymtnhigh, you are absolutely right! Hadn’t thought of it that way.</p>
<p>In the good news department, MIL has learned to use her new cell phone so successfully that we had to switch her to a plan with more minutes ;)</p>
<p>Yaupon, that happened with my grandparents years ago. They ended up at the same place down different halls. Some weeks they saw each other daily, some weeks hardly at all. I think it’s really a great thing that you were able to put them in the same building - what they do with the opportunity given them is up to them.</p>
<p>Eso, you described my experience at my mom’s house to a T. Can’t toss anything out without inspecting it first, and can’t turn the job over to anyone else.</p>
<p>I spent 5 hours going through every check since Jan 1 to see how the fake charities have been making out this year. The good news is, since mom’s been in our area since March, she hasn’t had as much opportunity to line the scammers’ pockets. I’m starting to feel a little better about it all - even if a few checks slip through, her useless donations are down substantially for 2013. We ARE getting to review 80% of the mail before it gets to her so I guess that’s better than it’s been in years.</p>
<p>Has anyone found a way to stop a memory impaired parent from asking the same question over and over (several times per hour), or from telling the same most painful memory over and over? I did lose patience once and told her she just asked the question, and she apologized and didn’t ask again the rest of the day. But then I felt guilty for criticizing her since I know it’s not her fault. If there were some humane trick to redirect their stream of blather it would go a long way to reducing the tension. My brother now finishes every story she starts, but that seems rude too. We had modest success with monopolizing the conversation ourselves, keeping a steady dialogue going on mundane topics so she could just listen; but after a point we’re just repeating ourselves too. </p>
<p>Pychmomma, If you search “caregiver respite” in your region you might find a variety of options to offload some of the daily blocks of time to a paid service. Some of the services have the unfortunate label of “Adult Day Care” so it’s unlikely any senior with half their wits about them would be willing to participate. I did find a few options around my mom where they give the programs names like “Active Adult Outings”. They’ll pick up the senior once per week and do some sort of activity. However so far I can’t get her to agree to any of these.</p>
<p>I tried to get my mom out of her house by signing her up for sessions with a fitness trainer twice per week at a local senior center. I thought the social interaction would be good for her, but she hated it. It’s gotten to the point where every social interaction is just stressful, because she knows her memory is bad and has trouble faking normalcy. We finally, after 8 months, found a halfway decent caregiver to come twice per week and check on things. The trick is to just keep asking the agency to send someone else until you find the right fit. Caregivers through an agency cost about $30 per hour, but at least we know things aren’t getting crazy out of hand (like moths in every food item) during the weeks she is on her own.</p>
<p>To everyone who’s managed the transition to assisted care, I salute you!</p>
<p>Momsquad- I think the answer to your question may be a cc standard: to smile and nod. I have had the same conversation with my memory impaired, but not disoriented from reality, father for close to 6 years. I do come prepared with photos of the grand-kids on my ipad and try to initiate relevant topics. </p>
<p>Sometimes, it helps to do things with the person, which takes the heat off of them for producing conversation (a walk to see flowers, a simple puzzle, a non-juvenile picture book to look at as visuals help, listening to old familiar songs). As to painful memories, I would try acknowledging that I understood she had been very bothered by X, but that I was so happy that today we are together and… to change the subject. </p>
<p>To point out redundancy, implies that there is some expectation that it could help or make things different. Since it can’t, it is almost like telling a 6 month old that they wet their diaper, AGAIN. Forgive my humor, but it has helped me to accept things in the context of a huge impairment.</p>
<p>Checking in to report that DH and I just initiated the process to switch over some of of life ins. to cover extended care. Having just been through caretaking issues with various parents, it’s a relief to have this taken care of before we both turn 60 and while we are still healthy. Hopefully our children will not have a financial burden, in any case (tho we may both be incontinent, senile and annoying.) ;)</p>
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<p>For me this was a tough one as I watch my Mom slowly disappear. My sister tried to fight it but then being corrected or being reminded she has already told the story already frustrated my Mom a lot. Personally, I just listened to the stories over and over again … for the double whammy these were ofter repeat delusions (yikes).</p>
<p>Bottom line … arguing, correcting, or denying the memory issues will not help them … and will bring unnecessary tension to the relationship. Enjoy the time you have with your relative … for me, any time/angst on the memory issues is lost time.</p>
<p>If you have not I would suggest reading books on dimentia/alzheimers … for me it was interesting reading. It helped me understand the likely issues we would face … what can and can not be done about them … and strategies of how to deal with them.</p>
<p>momsquad, something that works really well with my parents is to bring up the topic of earlier times (happy ones). As foggy as they may about about what happened yesterday, they are crystal clear about events from 40 years ago. It’s amazing how their posture and voice changes, too; gone is the stumbling speech and tentative manner. They get confident and happy again. </p>
<p>My father had a really exciting job when I was a kid, and if I ask him a few questions about that, he’s off to the races. With Mom, I just plop an old photo album on her lap, and she can regale me for hours about stories from this trip or that house. (Yes, I’ve heard them all before. That just comes with the territory with these folks. As travelnut says, smile and nod. :))</p>
<p>Ah, some great suggestions- and “smile and nod” IS probably the only real solution. I can do that much better when I’m visiting alone, but when the rest of the family is present it gets more complex. For awhile, liberal amounts of wine for all was helpful. However we’ve noticed that the memory and thinking are now much more negatively affected by alcohol so we don’t bring wine any more.</p>
<p>LasMa, I like your idea of redirecting the conversation to happier memories. There are so many good vacations and stories to remember. We’ll give that a try next time, and bring along an old photo album.</p>
<p>I made a lot of progress cleaning out Mom’s house last week. Going up for another big push with DH . Then it can be turned over to the estate sales lady. Thank goodness we found her (it is a small town, we’d tried auction houses etc etc ). Now my problem is that Mom isn’t there to sift through the debris of her life and house. She seems good and says that she could sort stuff (I didn’t mention we are selling EVERYTHING, but said that niece would like the bedroom set and maybe it was time to disperse some of the treasures). She just likes having STUFF (always did, this is not new dementia behavior, the stuff just got more bizarre with the dementia… went from garage sale junk to empty milk jugs/cottage cheese containers and newspapers). I am trying to toss out the broken stuff which I am pretty sure would upset her. But 6 sets of (broken) hot rollers? not staying. But then, I feel it is all wrong to do it behind her back. Protecting her from getting upset is not letting her say goodbye to her house. She left with the expectation of going back soon… 8 months ago. Every single person I talk to says DO NOT TAKE her there to sort. So I am not.
But how do I let go of the guilt? Maybe more of it is just the sadness that this part of her life is over. Sad might = guilt and maybe I don’t feel guilty. I feel sad and … uneasy … about the whole process though.</p>
<p>Care conference on Tuesday. I don’t know why they called for one. Maybe they see her changing or maybe it is a regular thing. IDK.</p>
<p>Update, we have grandmother issue straightened out for the time being. Diagnosed with Alzheimers. She has an aide that will come each day for one hour to help her with her medicine and anything else that she needs help with. They told us we could leave post it notes on things that need to be done and that they will help her with them.</p>
<p>[China</a> law brings attention to pros, cons of caring for aging parent - CBS News](<a href=“http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-204_162-57591842/china-law-brings-attention-to-pros-cons-of-caring-for-aging-parent/]China”>http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-204_162-57591842/china-law-brings-attention-to-pros-cons-of-caring-for-aging-parent/)
interesting new law in China- I am surprised</p>
<p>There are laws in some states requiring children to support parents when the parents can’t support themslves. As a practical matter, many families in HI do live with several generations and there is some expectation of caregiving.</p>
<p>fender - glad your grandma has an aide to help her.</p>
<p>eso- wow, you are getting closer - it takes forever to get these houses ready, even to just get down to the furniture. </p>
<p>“protecting her from getting upset” “doing it behind her back” ---- both phrases I have struggled with mightily.</p>
<p>This was the weekend that we had a family reunion in my hometown. We took mom with us and it was the first time she has been back to her house since the beginning of March when she came up to my sister’s for a visit. We spent most of the weekend in town doing activities, eating and hanging out together in hotels. But Sunday, after church, I promised to take her to the house for a short time to pick up a few clothes
and special things that she wanted. </p>
<p>OMG. She went in, (didn’t seem to notice we had removed over 100 large bags of garbage - well, still 50+ to go so …), went straight to her bedroom, looked around, sat on the bed, and cried. I held her for a long time but felt so so bad… If that day ever comes for me, I will feel the same way - independence gone, home of 40 years gone, everything a complete change - not something a 76 year old (with memory issues and averse to change) wants to have any part of. Then she pulled herself together and started picking up a few clothes and a lot of worthless papers and stuffed them into bags to bring back here. 2 of my sibs and their families were there too so all got to see the current condition of the house.</p>
<p>After about 1 1/2 hours, she was willing to give up on bagging stuff and get in the car to leave. She did say she would like to come back and go through things while we do what we need to do (pitch stuff??) I am not bringing her back until all the paper junk is out of there. If we ever get down to actual items like furniture, clothes and appliances, I might consider taking her one more time before we sell it. </p>
<p>It was so exhausting. She was very agitated and yelled at different people for different things during the weekend, but I think it was just such an emotional thing for her that I sort of expected some drama. </p>
<p>On the positive side, my daughter said “Well, it looks doable the way things are now,” which has been the state I have been working towards. Believe me, when I first started pitching things in there it did not look like it was going to be doable in my lifetime.</p>
<p>I got lucky that mom didn’t even glance at the kitchen - where at least 100 of her treasured yogurt containers, milk cartons, Styrofoam trays and clamshells have gone “missing” (haha, 100 of each!). </p>
<p>We had dinner with a few of mom’s friends one night, and it was nice that they said she is in a better place now, staying with her children and grandchildren. They were very supportive of our decision (and the doctors) that she live with someone. I’m hoping this makes it easier for her to accept, with time. She does recognize and lament the fact that some of her friends are mentally very sharp and can drive all over the place. She seems to accept but be quite sad that her situation is different. </p>
<p>So now we are back home for a while, with new bags of old junk mail! I did manage to grab a few family momentos to counterbalance the ludicrous additions to our household.</p>
<p>psychmomma, hugs. sounds like you did darn well. I think my mom would be the same and I think that letting her face it and have the emotion is so hard. </p>
<p>just hugs.</p>
<p>Just sending out a virtual hug to all of you.</p>
<p>Psychmomma, you must be drained! I also started the process of cleaning my aunt’s house when she was in the hospital and rehab. I found used plastic containers, paper plates, empty styrofoam packaging, etc. in the dishwasher, drawers and in the oven and broiler. She also liked to save the small paper bags from the pharmacy. I found tax returns from the 1960’s, greeting cards, shopping lists, old pieces of elastic that she wanted to use to fix her underpants, bags of the old fashioned elastic with clips to hold kotex napkins, (aunt is 96 yrs. old), etc. It just never ended! We should all get together to collaborate on a book!
I’m glad that you are making progress.</p>
<p>Psychmomma> sending strength and serenity your way. </p>
<p>My brother and sister are in town, first time they have seen mom since she collapsed in January and is now in long term care nursing home. Give me strength! Dealing with them talking to mom about how well she’s doing- when she can barely lift her fork to eat, just makes ME tired.</p>
<p>My sis sees the reality- mom is never coming home. My brother is ever the optimist and tells mom to keep it up she’ll be better in no time.</p>
<p>We had a care planning meeting today which helped them both see the reality- the list of the meds she’s on, the stoppage of OT/PT due to non responsiveness… After that, I dragged them to the funeral home so we could discuss the inevitable… (yes, I’m mean) I had them agree to the arrangements and time to voice what they wanted to see happen when mom passes. So I think that’s all settled. I’m beat. Sis flies home on Friday and my brother is here until the 13th. oi… </p>
<p>To top it off, we are on round two for Medicaid- they disapproved the first time due to mom’s resources being too high- a life insurance policy with a cash in value of $2800! Finally got the funeral home as the irrevocable beneficiary and resubmitted the Medicaid paperwork. Now we wait another 30-45 days for approval (hopefully). In the meantime, the nursing home has been very considerate and only asked that we use mom’s SS to pay them while we wait for the Medicaid determination.</p>
<p>You know, if I liked alcohol, I’d be an alcoholic by now- instead I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last year because chocolate is my stress relief! I don’t know which is worse. ;)</p>
<p>Sending my support to all of you going through difficult situations right now. Having been through cleaning out a residence, deciding whether to take Mom to say goodbye (I decided not to), applying for Medicaid, etc., I know how trying all these things can be.</p>
<p>Be nice to yourselves. You all deserve it.</p>