Driving is such a delicate issue. My mom was furious when she moved in with me unexpectedly after a hospitalization, and was not allowed to drive ever again. She ended up throwing a tantrum at a bank when the banker asked her for her drivers license as a form of ID.
ML, I expect your dad will forget the scolding, even though he’s quite cognitively aware, and try to escape for a drive again, or to church, potlucks, etc. When my mom started declining, she “knew” what was right or wrong, but started to continually make poor choices.
@compmom, hope everything goes well for your mom’s early morning appointment Tuesday. That time sounds very difficult to me.
The only way dad stopped driving was when his CCRC refused to let him. We were relieved because no one had to be the heavy. His driving was dangerous and it was such a relief he was no longer driving.
When he was a passenger, he often wanted me to turn the wrong way into one way streets! Yikes! Our police, DMV doesn’t get involved. The MD wouldn’t either.
My mom’ neurologist flat out said to her, “give your keys to your daughter right now. You will kill someone if you continue driving.” She had always said if the doctor told her no more driving that she would stop, and she did so. Conversely I had a friend who had to mechanically disable the car to prevent her mom from driving ( and to give the garage she used a heads up to not “fix” the car).
I think finding alternative transportation like Uber is really important to preserve some independency
My FIL started having trouble parking and gave up driving. He lived in a crowded, urban environment where parking was tough for me. I hope I have the self discipline to be like him. He took cabs after that.
Cabs and ride share can be very freeing—no more hassles RE parking spaces and garages, no insurance, etc. Still, it’s a big issue for many/most, especially if it’s not the aging driver’s idea.
The place we had for Mom would have given her rides any day of the week, including to church on Sunday. It really threw a wrench into everything that we can’t move my parents into a facility. They are located in a suburb of Austin, not close to a lot of places.
The place my folks were in had cars to drive but you had to make a reservation and remember to be at the right place at the right time. My folks didn’t have the memory to do this, even if they wanted to use the shuttle service.
I get very upset when I hear that doctors or other professionals don’t want to be the “bad guy” and take away keys. IMHO that is part of their job. And it makes it easier on the family who then can commmiserate with the elder and ensure that keys are taken away. It also can reinforce the relatives that, indeed, the safest thing to do it take away the keys.
I absolutely understand how difficult it is to give up independence, especially if you live in a suburb and don’t have easy access to public transportation.
Again, I go back to the question of, “Would you let your child/grandchild ride with this older person?” If the answer is No, then they should not be driving.
So I have read this thread for the useful info that I figure I will need at some point for my parents who are in their mid 80s. They are in an independent living cottage in a retirement community. They are doing well and I figured I had a few more years before I would gradually get more involved in day to day stuff, like bills and taking them to doctors, etc.
Well, sadly my dad’s younger brother (75) has started having memory problems. We started talking to him about moving sooner rather than later. Then Covid and I think it caused a crisis for him - multiple trips to ER for basically panic attacks, sudden inability to handle day to day stuff. Some extended family stepped in but my parents were in lockdown at their community so it fell to me and brothers (uncle is lifelong bachelor) to go down there - even when we were basically in SAH situation. Doctor said early dementia. He refused to let anyone come in and clean and he really didn’t need to be alone. He moved into retirement community about a month ago a few doors down from parents. All of a sudden he can’t seem to pay bills, keep track of anything - it’s a mess. Hard to see how he can continue independent as is.
He doesn’t have a POA yet but my name is on a couple of things as oldest of nieces/nephews. That’s on the list to get done ASAP. It is sad and frustrating how he has gotten so bad so fast - we figure it is a combination of things. One is that he was likely having problems earlier than we knew and was getting by on routine until covid - lived in his house all his life basically. Also I know dementia patients can have trouble with new routines. The retirement community is allowing me and brothers to come over to get him settled but I think I will be over there once a week for foreseeable future and I admit to being angry about it since it’s taking time away from me spending time with my parents and a lot of onsite stuff is falling to my mom. Hopefully things will settle down when he gets his house cleared and on the market. Now he keeps going back over there (25 min drive) because he can’t remember what’s left to do.
Thankfully, one of my brothers is able to go down to help as well. The other works at a university around students and it doesn’t seem smart for him to go to a retirement community right now. Sigh. Just a long vent…
@scmom12
I think the change in environment can really show up the limitations a person has been hiding, not so much hiding from you, but hiding because they were in a long time routine and could function so well at a base level with no thought. Move them to a whole new place and BOOM they have to think about every little thing, how to get a drink of water, where is the bathroom, where are my socks, etc. That shows how little executive function is left, or other limitations. We definitely saw it, dramatically, when we moved a person who had been in the same home for 50 years.
I got P of A (with my brother), had the primary care doctor do an invoked proxy, and got on my mother’s bank account. Next step was to send the P of A to credit card and other accounts, so that I can manage bills online (during COVID, before I was picking them up).
Even when my mother’s dementia was better, a few years ago, she forgot her assisted living entirely if she had to go to the hospital. I mean in three days. Then when we took her back she would say “Oh is this my new place?” But she could carry on a pretty good conversation back then so a lot of people didn’t understand she had dementia.
@scmom12 Your story is so familiar . . .elders can be very good at hiding their deficits. My H has a “maiden aunt” and we are dealing with this too, as she has many nieces and nephews but has not given anyone durable POA. She claims she has a will but we dont know and she has a lot of assets.
Please ask away here, we have probably been thru whatever you are going thru!
Get the POA fast, before anyone could possibly contest his ability to assign it. Also note, I’ve learned from this thread, some institutions requires their own forms. Someone else will know more about that, this is just a heads up.
@scmom12 - My mother was similar to your uncle. She did great in rehab following a stroke, showing she could handle a checkbook, cook, do laundry, etc, but as soon as she left rehab and moved to a new AL, it was as if she didn’t know how to do any of those things. I soon took over her finances and added AL services to compensate for her deficiencies. I made sure to get POA while she was still competent to do so.
Yes, it is safest to get assigned durable power of attorney at each place where the person signing has assets. Most places require their own forms and may require a notary or medallion. Safest to do it sooner, before it becomes an issue whether the person signing has capacity to sign.
I thought that a P of A always requires a notary. Are you saying that some places require a fresh notary seal, as opposed to a copy? We did make a few copies with the actual seal but otherwise copies, with a copied seal and notary signature, have been enough. Just want to clarify.
Some places (like brokerages) May require a medallion—which can be tougher to get than a notary. You have to check each place and use their forms (which their attorney has approved/created) or you may be in for a prolonged struggle.
I’m very relieved—have found a very nice and caring place that offers adult daycare and seemed very interested in mom. My friend said their late mom/MIL was very happy there—laughed and was much happier and calmer on weekdays when she spent the day there than weekends when she was with them all day. It’s $75/day and the geriatrician said she’s only heard very positive things about that place as well.
Family members are willing to all continue helping provide care for mom so we will all continue for now but are pleased to know if alternatives when they are needed.
