@snowball you might want to check these threads for more specific advicehttp://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1923722-medical-legal-advice-for-elderly-parent.html
Also please check with your bank about adding yourself to a safe deposit box. Usually the death of one of the owners “seals” the box and you cannot access it except to do a will search, which is witnessed by a bank employee.
@snowball if you put yourself on your mom’s checking account, then when she dies, all the money technically is yours, outside of the estate. I did add myself to my parents’ account to make it much easier to pay bills and talk to the bank.
Is it possible to do a codicil to the will that names what jewelry goes to what person?
A copy of the will should be located outside a safety box. At least, that informs. Right now, my bank branch is closed. I guess one makes an appointment to get access? Or?
Mom and dad redid their wills a long time ago, but when dad died, I found they were never signed or executed. Wasn’t a problem for dad, as everything went to mom.
Where the safety deposit box is, is at a closed branch, but I believe we can go with an appointment. The reason to get access to the box, is if mom were gone; was not aware it could be sealed, so will look into that. Mom would have no problem putting either my name, or her sister’s on anything, we just need to get it done while she is of sound mind. She has been threatening to make a list, but just can’t seem to do it, and then changes her mind about who gets what!
What I am trying to figure out is what is done about the bank accounts and stocks. Not much in either, but want to be informed. I will also check the threads @surfcity linked; both of which I believe I read when they were active.
For stocks, I was able to send in a death cert, some addl paperwork, and it transferred, split between me and my brother. I found the reps very cooperative. But this was pre-covid. After they were in our names, we could sell them. For me, it was a no-brainer.
Problem is random stocks that may no longer have any value. So see if you can make a list now, do a little research.
For clearing the estate, itself, via the county she died in, I could self report, no probate. But it required a “Medallion.” That was tough. Many banks no longer offer it, many brokerages require you be a long term client. I was fortunate one bank where I had a misc account would do it. You could clarify this now.
The bank accounts were either Payable on Death or I was cosigner. Anything like a CD should, I believe, already have a POD named.
There are a lot of people who can walk you through this. The issue is the number of them you might have to deal with.
Re: jewelery. A friend has two sisters. They went in together and decided what they liked, then picked in rotation, oldest first. The rest they let go. This can somehwhat be done in advance. It might be hard for your mom to decide.
corrected: the county she died in, not country.
Can your mom make her accounts payable on death to you and your siblings?
@snowball
Be prepared for jewelry you want to sell not to bring in what you imagine it’s worth, nor to sell quickly.
@somemom While some jewelry may not bring top dollars, she has stones worth a good bit. Her wedding ring, while beautiful, is not a diamond any of us would wear due to it’s large size; it will get sold at some point. She has several pieces she know she wants to give to the grandchildren and great granddaughters. The little ones are between the ages of 1-4; no need for fine jewels at this time 
Actually, when money was tight for them, mom’s sister and I tried to talk her into selling a few pieces, but she refused.
I think other than the safety deposit box, bank accounts and stocks, I would like for someone to have the ability to speech on mom’s behalf, whether it is to a utility company, insurance, taxes, etc… That is what I am trying to figure out, the best way to take care of this while she is able.
@snowball so it sounds like you are (A) concerned about distribution of jewelry, possibly to the ‘wrong’ family members upon her death and (B) being able to take care of her matters as she ages.
IMHO, you are right to be thinking about “B”. I had both parents sign a general POA for me a few years ago, but I recently hired an elder care lawyer to update their wills and add some things to the POA plus arrange for me to have a medical POA. It was less than $1000 and money well spent. Both my parents have some dementia and I need to be able to talk to doctors, creditors etc on their behalf.
As far as “A”, if she does not have a will at all, i don’t know how things get diatributed. If she does, but no mention is made of the jewelry, is it up to the executor to see that things are disbursed as they believe she would want?
@surfcity I shouldn’t have started about the jewelry. My aunt is the one that is afraid my niece will figure out a way to get a hold of it; I really don’t think it is an issue. Mom with decide in her own time, what piece to give to which grandchild. She could leave everything to me to distribute; if she never got around to making that list, which I believe has been made a change a number of time, I will be fair and give my brother kids what she wants them to have.
I do think she needs to look at her will and make some modifications if she wants, and have it signed a documented. What I am unaware of is if a POA is enough to handle everything we might need.
Gosh I put myself on my mother’s bank account with her signature of course, and also provide the bank a P of A. I didn’t think of taxes. If she pays taxes on the interest, I assumed I don’t. Is that right?
My mother called me today and said she was going to get herself an apartment and leave her facility (COVID rules getting to her). This is about as possible as her flying to the moon. But I just asked if she had any concerns if she fell or hurt herself. Her response was a dismissive laugh, saying she was still playing golf. She can barely walk.
@snowball, good for you for looking ahead some. There is lots of good info on those threads @surfcity listed. I don’t recall if it was mentioned in those threads I mentioned some of my issues in this giant thread (which certainly contains SO MUCH great info) But to recap out of the dust,
Re: Jewelry and other personal possessions, I don’t know that it would stand up in a court fight, but in most friendly situations, a written list of who gets what, and why, if there is anything weird about it, can be quite helpful, both to avoid bickering when emotions are high, but also to know who should get what.
When my Dad was in his last weeks, we had several conversations and about who should get what, but we never asked him about his wedding ring, as my mother would keep that. She, over the next few years, distributed many of her pieces that were “real” but not real valuable. She had announced which granddaughter would get her wedding ring decades before and gave that away when her hands got too arthritic.
But we never asked about Dad’s ring. After both deaths, we went 2+ years unable to find his ring and thought maybe our mother tossed it or hid it in something that had already left the building (dementia.) But I found it this year. Now I have to decide who gets it. I am wearing it for 6 months, then my other sister will wear it 6 months, then we will discuss what should be done. I can find a good reason for each adult child and many of the grandkids to be the honored recipient, so I really wish I had pushed Dad for a longer term answer or asked our mother before she got dementia, so it does not fall to me. I mean, hey, what if they wanted me to have it? But I will feel like a jerk giving it to myself. It’s been really intriguing how much it has meant to wear it this year. My hands really look like my Dad’s hands and with his ring on, you can totally see that and I feel closer to him in all sorts of good ways. But I still don’t know what to do long term. Sis and I who did all the work decided we won’t tell the other siblings we found the ring until we each have a chance to wear it and think about the recipient. One sibling is emotionally unstable and we don’t want to include them in the discussions because no one can speak freely around them. We both want time to really think it through.
@somemom You got me thinking about my dad’s wedding ring; I assume mom has it put away. There was never any discussion about dad’s belonging, as other than his wedding ring, a star sapphire ring, a gold chain and some watches, he didn’t have much. I asked mom for the star sapphire ring as it was so much a part of him. They gave me a star sapphire ring in my early teens that I wore forever, and then gave to my daughter as a teen. Mom offered my brother the gold chain so that he could also have something of dad’s; knowing him, he probably hocked it 
This ring is not worth much, but when I wear it, like you said, I feel like my hands are my dad’s. Even toward his last months, he continued to wear this ring; first moving it to his pinkie as he lost weight, then he added a band inside to make it even smaller. It fits my ring finger perfectly with the band in.
Could you and your sister continue on the 6 month rotation with the ring? Then you could decide where it goes when neither of you want, or able to wear it. Mom always shared her jewelry with all the girls, so I could absolutely see, at least for my aunt and I, sharing the jewelry. I think mom with let my daughter and DIL pick what they want for themselves and their daughters, as well as my cousin; my brother’s girls will be assigned a piece or two. It’s funny, mom said that one of my nieces has always asked about a pair of her diamond earring, so mom was wondering if she should let her have them. I reminded her that she gave both the girls diamond earring for their weddings; they of course are not near as big as mom’s, but plenty big for a normal adult!
@snowball regarding jewelry, in some states, these would be part of estate for probate. If that’s the case in your state, to determine taxes, an appraisal of any item listed in the will would be needed.
You could also make video of your mother with the jewelry, telling anecdotes or details about how she aquired them.
What a great idea. MIL left jewelry in her safe deposit box with all the appraisal information, but we had no idea whose it originally was, or what backstory may have gone with the pieces. That’d have been so nice to have.
So my dad passed away this morning. He evidently went into cardiac arrest while eating breakfast. He had been in Memory Care for 4 years and on hospice since his UTI/sepsis in July. Sad, but expected. I am wondering if anyone has any sort of checklist of what I need to do.
I’m so very sorry for your loss @tx5athome.
Are you looking for a checklist for funeral planning, estate stuff, or both?
Hospice may be able to help with that too.
So sorry for your loss, @tx5athome. I agree that hospice may have some of what you’re looking for.
Thinking of you at this time, @tx5athome . My dad died in July. The three stops we made were: funeral home, bank with safety deposit box, and lawyer. Between those three things, we were able to get most things started. We got 10 death certificates from the funeral home, and they notified Social Security. We have not used all of the death certificates. The lawyer gave us a check list, and has handled many things. The lawyers list included utilities and debtors. Dad’s will was in the safety deposit box, but he had added us to the safety deposit box as additional signers. I live next door to Dad’s house, so we did not do an address change.