<p>Just looked through one of mom’s bags from our trip- she really tried to get her money’s worth from the hotel. She brought back a bunch of thick paper cups, coffee packets, sugar packets, oatmeal (open and in a bowl with napkins stuffed in the top) and assorted toiletries. It doesn’t surprise me and most of it she could use (but won’t- she’ll keep it squirreled away in her room) but the ground coffee packets cracked me up because we have a keurig. Maybe I can sneak them to work where they will be used.</p>
<p>FWIW, there are some states where parental support is a legal requirement, not only a moral or ethical one. I’m sure it must be tough when the relationship has been a stormy one but I’m sure it is an economic decision that these states have made. With the economy as it is, there may be more states joining the list.</p>
<p>[Map:</a> State-by-state US parental support laws - Yahoo! Finance](<a href=“http://finance.yahoo.com/news/map-state-state-us-parental-080043153.html]Map:”>Map: State-by-state US parental support laws)</p>
<p>I just returned with my trip to FL to move my parents out of the house. When your parents say, :“We don’t need you” or “We are getting rid of stuff” DON’T BELIEVE THEM. On the phone they sounded fine. But, what I walked into was a mess 2 days before the move. My mom has been buying multiple items of the same thing for a while. Dad hoards wood because “it is useful.” If it was a use for it there wouldn’t be so much. The garage was full of wood, hazardous waste, pipes, and other useless junk. Anyway, I begged the realtor to take the hazardous waste (“What hazardous waste?”), brought stuff to the mission until they told me they couldn’t take anymore, and dropped the rest at Salvation Army and partook of their dumpster when no one was watching. I snuck trash into neighbors garbage cans when our 10 garbage cans were full (4 with just perishable food). And I talked the movers into hauling or taking some of the junk/furniture (“What patio furniture?”) away. Anyway, besides the “offensive wood pile” that the county says they will fine us for, it got done, almost. Rugs were left as my parent’s said, “it’s just part of the house” and too late to do anything with them. My dad is doing the best he can but could not go through a stack of papers without getting lost and it never happening. As of now, he won’t let me do it with them. My moms is capable of just one step instructions: “break down that box” “bring it outside to the recycling pile”</p>
<p>On the drive up, it was a full-time job not to lose them. They got lost at each hotel. We are now unpacking with my husband and niece helping while I am at work. DH was at closing and good thing as dad overpaid by hundreds of thousands of dollars. DH made sure that they went to the bank afterwards. Still a lot of junk to haul off as much was packed by the movers due to poor planning. The newspaper has not been cancelled, mail not forwarded, important deeds and titles not secured, credit card lost and not cancelled…</p>
<p>I wouldn’t call it a hoarder house, so those of you dealing with that, I am thinking about you! </p>
<p>Any ideas of how to talk my dad into having my name on the checking account so that I can monitor their finances? I do have POA which I will update next month with an appointment to an estate lawyer next month once things are settled. But, I also need to monitor credit cards. I got fussed at because I told them they need someone to go with them on a trip they are planning (“why do we need a chaperone?”).</p>
<p>I wish everyone some rest and peace of mind. So many super hero capes need some time in the closet. </p>
<p>GTAlum- try to take advantage of the transition to get “ducks in a row”. Normalize adding name to checkbook, see if you can set up online banking even if only you use it and let them know that it will all be just in case there comes a time when you would be able to help them. You may also be able to obtain a debit card to use on their behalf. Should you ever need to pay bills for them, most can be paid on-line. Of course, the goal is to be as inclusive of their input as possible, but as POA you can set up things as needed. My parents were cooperative with me helping them, but regardless of that, I never was challenged about using the POA with financial institutions. Copy the POA forms and have them on-hand. I found it helpful to start a notebook of all relevant info, copies of Medicare, insurance cards, IDs, medical info/records gathered from previous Drs, health care proxies, cemetery plots, vital phone and account numbers, etc. </p>
<p>Best with all of this. So draining, but bit by bit it can come together.</p>
<p>My computer savvy H put together a copy and paste color document with my Mom’s driver’s license (expired 1985), Medicare card, Social Security card, Medicare supplement card. I printed multiple copies and keep it in a folder. I also carry my power of attorney, along with multiple copies, with me. I keep the dec sheet of Mom’s medicare supplement with me as well. There are many different supplements, and should your parents need skilled nursing after a hospitalization, length of stay and coverage vary with the type of coverage you have. If you have a medical directive, keep that with you as well. I even keep a sheet with my sibling’s names, Social Security numbers, addresses and phone numbers, as sometimes I am even asked for that information. I have a tote bag that has all my Mom’s stuff, and I take it with me whenever I go to Houston, to the bank, insurance company, lawyer, funeral home, so I have everything they might need handy. It is my carry on bag always when I fly.</p>
<p>My husband has had to deal with his now deceased father’s stuff, and he has a briefcase for that as well.</p>
<p>Don’t forget, power of attorney ceases on death. Make sure you are a joint owner on any bank accounts. If they fight you on it, tell them you’ll need to be able to write checks if they were to fall ill and be laid up in the hospital on end, and necessary bills, like utility, phone, insurance, would need to be paid, or they’d be in danger of being cut off/cancelled.</p>
<p>Thanks travelnut. They actually do have on-line banking set up. We have the same bank and the same system so I am familiar with it. But, he admitted that there are several on-line payments to services in FL that are automatic which he hasn’t cancelled. Things like insurance premiums, utilities, newspaper… I hope to get an office set up by this weekend and hopefully, he will let me help him review such things. The notebook is such a fantastic idea. I will start making copies as soon as I can. I think you are right, it will be a “bit by bit” process. It’s hard as I want to get it done now.</p>
<p>Thanks Montegut. I will use the “Mom won’t be able to handle the finances” card to try to get in on accounts. I’m hoping the estate attorney will assist in convincing dad it’s a good idea.</p>
<p>
We used the backdoor to get a view into my parent’s accounts. They WOULD HAVE NO PART of adding us to their accounts so we came up with an alternative path. We sold them on the benefits of setting up on-line accounts for the their banks, utilities, credit cards, etc … and of course they couldn’t do this on their own so my sister and I had to help them … so we then knew their on-line account info and could check in on how things were going.</p>
<p>My goodness, we DO need a group hug! So many of you going through rough patches with your parents right now.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It is absolutely amazing how convincing they can be on the phone, how they can fool you. Last year when we were going through the dog trauma, my parents had my brothers absolutely convinced that there was no problem. The brothers thought I was exaggerating at best, and I’m pretty sure one thought I was outright lying. That is, until one brother visited. He walked into my parents apartment, stopped, turned to me, and said, “But… they said everything was fine…” </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>There have been moments along this path that my D has been amazing, popping in with a good perspective like yours did, or a hug, or an offer of help, or a clarifying observation – almost always when I’m at a low point. It’s like she can sense when I need someone to come alongside for a moment. One good thing about all of this is that it’s made me appreciate that my daughter is an adult, and a sensitive and caring one at that.</p>
<p>Oh, you just gotta love brothers! I would get so frustrated with mine. For several years, I could not understand how a bright, detailed oriented investigator could be so clueless with his mother. Then, he became quite ill, in a coma and long rehab. I waited outside his room one day when the doctor was telling him how lucky he was to have me as a sister, he replied that I was always his big sister who took care of him! Voila, the light bulb went on, it’s easy to keep your head in the sand when you are used to having someone taking charge. I have since learned to delegate.</p>
<p>phychmom, yes, I recognize that collection … ick.</p>
<p>GTAlum, I try to keep in mind the phone thing. Problem is Mom can fake it for 5 minutes, so if she hangs up before the time expires, you can think she IS fine. I am hoping that the LTC insurance check in lasts longer than 5 minutes. Then they’ll see.
WOW on how fast you had to move stuff. I’ve been inching into it over 8 months!</p>
<p>ECmotherx2 … my brother has really stepped it up. two or three years ago he was in denial, but now he is slash and burn along with me. (feels like it for getting her house in order). </p>
<p>3togo, I did back door monitoring on-line for Mom’s accounts for a long time. Didn’t get the cruise scam stopped in time however. But managed to stop a couple of disasters. </p>
<p>I am mostly discouraged about how long this is going to last… we lived through Grandma’s Alzheimers so I know how she went. Mom doesn’t have Alzheimers apparently and isn’t doing exactly what Grandma did, but there are many years to work through coming up.</p>
<p>Today, got woken up at 6am by the AL place… Mom had called 911 but didn’t know who for. She at least knew where she was so 911 called the AL people who checked on her. Mom said someone told her to call. She probably had a bad dream since she had gotten no calls. The night nurse said she didn’t seem worried about it, thought someone pranked her for a joke. </p>
<p>… And yesterday she seemed so good and normal I had real guilt about closing her house. Nope, going to stop second guessing THAT decision. Only decision left is to include her in both the decision and a little of the sorting. I think I am taking stuff to her for her to sort at the AL place. and by include for the decision, I mean even let her know it is going to happen, that it did happen, or nothing at all about it.</p>
<p>I called Mom 2 days ago to let her know the caregiver is not coming on the 4th. I called her today to remind her that today is July 4 and the care giver visit for an hour is not happening today because of the holiday. She did not get it. OK today is July 4th holiday so that makes it July 4 and they are not coming today. ‘Yes I hear you July 4 holiday’. ‘I have to hang up the phone to clean up they are going to come any time now’. I now see that just the act of having them come makes her dress up and clean up. That alone is worth it.</p>
<p>As far as brothers go, for years mine kept reminding me of her age and that I needed to have more patience. Until he was actively involved and really stepped up to the plate he really did not get it. Really not at all. Divide and conquer now has been working well overall with a few glitches.</p>
<p>BTW- THANKS:
I am taking mental notes of how to clean houses, deal with visits, and deal with the legal system. As hard as it is, I appreciate you all sharing with us the agony. This information mostly is timeless and in a few months/years I and others will be rereading this information from our mentors. Thanks.</p>
<p>My mom is currently in an LTAC following hernia surgery, leaving her with an open wound in her abdomen. She came out of surgery on a ventilator, and then was hooked up to a trach tube. She’s been in the LTAC for about a month now. She was able to breathe on a trach collar for a couple of hours a day, but now her bowel is leaking into her abdomen. She has pulled out both her trach tube and her PICC line. Got calls today to give consent to replace PICC line, which they were unable to do, and now they are putting in a central line. She is on lots of meds to keep her heart rate up. All of us have visited her, multiple times. She had a couple of good days when my older sister was with her, so sister refuses to accept that Mom will not recover. She is accusing us of wanting to kill our Mom, because we want to end her suffering. Mom is getting morphine every one or two hours at this point. She is so swollen from the meds, you can’t even touch her. It is so hard, watching her suffer. But my sister and her husband are extremely religious and are insisting we leave it in God’s hands. I am so thankful that I have only one child. Sister has asked us to not let Mom go until her sons, who have not visited her over the past eight years, can go see her. Her sons are 30 years old, able to drive, and could easily have made the six hour trip to where Mom is over the past eight years. My mother has a DNR and had written explicit instructions that she did not want to be on a ventilator or tube fed, so we’ve already not honored her wishes. Because she is still conscious and alert, sister feels stopping medical care will be murder at this point. Already getting calls from distant relatives to schedule her funeral around their vacation schedules. I cannot believe how selfish people can be.</p>
<p>Monte gut, I am so sorry for you and your mom.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>(that is silence as my fingers can’t figure out what to possibly type in response to that)</p>
<p>So sorry you’re going through this.</p>
<p>Oh Montegut, how awful. </p>
<p>Could you take some video and email it to your sis? Who is your mom’s medical POA or agent for health care?</p>
<p>Montegut- eventually the situation will become apparent. So sorry you have to go through this. Never easy, always stressful. Ignore the distant relatives.</p>
<p>I’m my mom’s medical POA, but the four of us all do things together. My brother is on vacation with his kids until next week. My sister just left Mom last week, and Mom’s condition has changed drastically since with the bowel leak. I am hopeful my nephews will go soon. I offered to pay their way myself. I am hopeful the boys will go and report back to their Mom to let her go. I think it’s unfair for my sister to make them remember their grandmother that way. When they were young, she was active and took care of them. They lived with her during college. I’d rather them remember their grandmother that way, not with tubes coming out of her and crying for morphine every hour. My sister wants everyone to do “Face Time” with Mom. I don’t think she’s even able to recognize who is there with her at this point. She’s demanding everyone go visit Mom and hold their phone to her ear so my sister can talk to Mom every day. My cousin who lived with Mom during college is going to see her tomorrow. Perhaps she will be able to give my sister an objective report of my mom’s condition. Thank you all for all your support during this time.</p>
<p>Montegut- my heart goes out to you. You are in such a poignant position. There is a rhythm to life’s ending and in my experience, much value in bearing witness to it with your loved one. Those who are in denial forfeit a lot. As my mother said before she died, 'all my parts are wearing out". It was a fact. </p>
<p>Your mother is lucky to have you there. Perhaps you are her proxy because she knew you would “get it”. Peace to your family and try to hang onto your perspective so that you can have the type of experiences with your mother that matter most to you, even as others get de-railed around you. They have their paths, but that can’t preclude others having theirs.</p>
<p>Best to you.</p>
<p>Ditto 3togo. Montegut, I am so sorry for your situation. I can’t imagine if one way is better than the other - making decisions together or making the decisions alone. </p>
<p>I’m POA for my mom, but talk with 2 of 3 sibs about everything. So far, we have only dealt with housing and house emptying issues, and a few minor health issues. As I have thrown questions out to the group on how they think we should handle various issues and received no response, I wonder what will happen when we get to the stage where you are. </p>
<p>I hope you are taking care of yourself during this very stressful time Montegut.</p>