<p>Sending prayers your way Montegut.</p>
<p>Montegut - I do agree that it’s so much better if you can make decisions together. It will save a lot of problems in settling the estate and maintaining future relationships. Wish you the best during these difficult times.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for you, Montegut. Being an only child myself, I haven’t had the sibling issues to deal with, but I’ve witnessed them with DH and his siblings. My best to you during this very difficult time.</p>
<p>Montegut: I’m so sorry. No good advice except to say that I’m thinking of you and hoping you’re remembering to take care of yourself.</p>
<p>Psychmomma: at this point, I’m convinced being an only child is better at the end. I’m an only child and while it can be stressful, and I didn’t enjoy being an only child for my first 40 years, at least now it’s just my mom & me making decisions. I anticipate things being unpleasant with Dh’s family. They can’t even discuss MIL’s ongoing memory issues. </p>
<p>I feel so guilty even posting this, but just so people know good things can pop up, I will. The transportation service I found out about via my EAP is a rousing success. Mom had 6 doctors appointments last month & I didn’t have to take her to a single one! Plus she had a side trip to the mall. Today she’s asked them to drop her off for a hair cut, then at the mall afterwards and I will pick her up on the way home from work. She’s getting so much social time without me. And she’s feeling empowered about making her own schedule, plus she doesn’t feel “stuck” in her house. I’m not trying to juggle work and her appointments plus the amount of money I’ve saved in gas is far more than I’m paying for the service (although that’s a minor point.) Really it’s a quality of life win for both of us.</p>
<p>Montegut, prayers for you and your family. Sometimes things just have to play out, I’m glad that your cousin will visit today. A gentle reminder to your sister that you are following your mom’s wishes for how she would like to live out her last days would be appropriate. It sounds that your sister is having a terribly difficult time with saying goodbye to her mom. Can the MD order a morphine drip for your mom, her level of pain will be more easily controlled.</p>
<p>RobD … way to go! we need to hear sometimes things DO work. Positive stories are important, too. I don’t think this needs to be only a venting thread. At first my Mom was happy with the AL bus and all, too. And the socialization was very important. So I am really glad you a) got the service and b) posted a success! YAY for you, pat on the back! </p>
<p>Montegut. Does the hospital have hospice connections? they will talk to family members and speak about death with dignity. I, too, had nothing to say about planning funerals around vacations. If it doesn’t matter to your religion, you might just say you’ll have a celebration of life when it is convenient for eveyone and have your private funeral when YOU want it.
But funerals do cross your mind. My Mom is probably 5 years away at least and I already am … not exactly planning … but thinking, maybe I won’t have one. My brother is the religious one, he can do it. I am carrying the larger load while she is alive. … The first line in her will, though (after I am of sound mind) is that she wants a funeral in accordance with her station in life. what? what does that mean?</p>
<p>Her station in life? Who wrote her will? I have to go look at my mom’s will now to see what it says. </p>
<p>My mom is now 200 miles from dad’s grave (and hers). They have a joint headstone. She has already mentioned that she doesn’t know where she will “go” now that she’s far away. I am starting to wonder about it too, although she is pretty healthy. I’m fairly certain she bought two graves and joint headstone but who knows where that paperwork would be.</p>
<p>RobD, that’s great! In terms of her quality of life, you’re right, it’s huge for her to be able to come and go as she pleases. Not to mention, you’re no longer at her beck and call. Well done!</p>
<p>Montegut, if your cousin is willing to report to your sister, that may break the logjam. Even better is eso’s suggestion of having hospice talk with Sis. I’m thinking of you today.</p>
<p>RobD, that is so wonderful. Although our elders are old and frail, they still have that need for companionship and freedom. I am so happy your mom is enjoying her adventures!</p>
<p>Just saw this article & thought of all of you and the road we are all walking on: [Tension</a> often present when siblings care for parents](<a href=“Tension often present when siblings care for parents”>Tension often present when siblings care for parents)</p>
<p>Pychomama, try calling the cemetary where your dad is buried. I suspect they will have paperwork for anything your mom purchased. The one we have used for our in laws has all the docs on the cemetary plots purchased over the years by various customers, even decades back. It’s important for you and mom to consider if she wants to be buried with dad, cremated, or buried near where she lives now. We flew our relative’s bodies to HI so they could be buried in HI. The cemetary can make the arrangements. One can also buy an insurance policy that will transport the body upon death to the place designated by survivors.</p>
<p>Good to know, HI. I think it will depend on how long she is here. Only a few months so far.</p>
<p>I’m glad to hear of arrangements to get parents out and about. I still need to work on that one. I can’t imagine my mom leaving the house when we are gone during the day. She asks what time it is over and over and takes hours to get herself ready for anything, making everyone late. She just gets too easily distracted by any little thing</p>
<p>I agree psychmomma. I’m very jealous of how RobD’s mom can get out and about to multiple appointments. What a blessing to have her mind still active enough. I was thrilled when I went to my parent’s apartment and found they had been to the grocery store which is an easy walk. Then I found they took the car and probably used the GPS. I guess it’s a start. </p>
<p>Day 5 of the move-in and my parents are very confused. They’re in a 2 bedroom apartment. My dad still thinks the alcove is the front door. They forget the exit exists right next to the apartment. Familiar objects such as a push lock can’t be figured out. My hope is that it will get better. My fear is that it will only worsen. Anyone know if confusion after such a move gets better?</p>
<p>As to the unpacking, it would be made easier if my dad would let us throw out stuff. We have to do it secretly and you never know what object he will suddenly remember he has and ask where it is. Already 10 boxes have gone to Goodwill and many more should go.</p>
<p>GT- of course a new environment is particularly disruptive, but based on your descriptions of how they were living before the move and the nature of their current confusion, it seems that their baseline cognitive functioning is impacted, not knowing how to use a lock, for example. When I moved my memory impaired father it revealed more about his baseline and how hard it was for him to acquire new information. It took him almost a year to remember where his new room was relative to the dining room (straight shot down the hall). </p>
<p>Sadly, in my experience, this is unlikely to improve unless the confusion is exacerbated by an acute onset infection, drug interaction or sensitivity, etc. I found over time that what gained the most for my father was assuming a downward trend and being sure supports were in place pro-actively, rather than reactively in a crisis. His path has been a more slow than usual downhill course, but we have had no horrific events and he has been stable due to anticipating needs. On an encouraging note, I can say he is very happy with his life in a great skilled nursing place now at 89 and he did well in AL for 8 years before that. He also still is social, pleasant and knows who I am.</p>
<p>Best of luck with their transition. I would observe them discretely to see how they manage potential dangers, like the stove, etc. given your other observations. You can gain the data you need by having them nearby.</p>
<p>^^So true travel about the baseline being revealed with a move. I find it very telling that my mom wants everything she might possibly want for a given day out on the counter or kitchen table. She can’t seem to learn that her giant supply of oatmeal packets are in the pantry, front and center, and that her yogurt is in the fridge top drawer, also front and center. She writes what she has eaten on a paper plate, then adds other food items with question marks and writes “could eat if hungry later” next to them. I can’t imagine my mind being at a point where I can’t remember to eat or what to eat, especially after struggling with weight and food issues my whole life. </p>
<p>GT, hope the confusion does get a little better. My mom’s been here for two months now, and a few things got a little better, but other things led to us providing accommodations to her memory problems.</p>
<p>GT, they’re still driving? </p>
<p>Re their adjustment and confusion – almost certainly they will get better as they feel more settled in; how long that takes is going to vary by person, of course. It was about a month before my dad stopped clamoring to leave, and about 3 months before he felt really at home. Now he doesn’t remember ever living anywhere else. OTOH my mom, an extreme extravert, thought she’d died and gone to heaven.</p>
<p>Just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support these last few weeks. My Mom passed away peacefully this afternoon. Please keep our family in your prayers.</p>
<p>Sending deepest condolences to you and your family, Montegut. Sorry for your loss. </p>
<p>Take good care of yourself and lean as needed.</p>
<p>Deepest sympathies, montegut. It has been a long, hard ride.</p>
<p>Montegut, I am so sorry for your loss.</p>