<p>Eso, I am so sorry about your book! That is just awful! I think I will scan and email the important things to myself for a backup. I’m wondering how many thousands of pounds we will dump from my mom’s house. Ugh. You really deserve a break after all you’ve been through. </p>
<p>Based on somemom’s comments, I think we share not just a brother but an entire family. No one ever calls, mom will ask every few days if we’ve heard from anyone, and I always have to say no. I also realize this is 24/7 all on me. </p>
<p>I had a hilarious conversation with mom yesterday. I told her there may come a day when she needs more care than I can provide in my house and that I can’t change 10 diapers a day and bathe her and work full time, etc. She said sure I can, I changed my kids’ diapers and I would be better than any nurse! Oh lord, what have I done to myself.</p>
<p>Also sending warm thoughts for all those struggling this week.</p>
<p>Of course, my mother always wants me to call my brother so he can share* his* woes with me. (He does have woes.) She then changed her tune slightly: we’re dealing with something stressful now and she wants me to call him because he feels so bad about *my * challenge. Thank heaven for this thread.</p>
<p>Sending warm thoughts and strength to all caregivers.</p>
<p>I think we all have the same type siblings. While mine came to visit mom, I was able to take care of a few things- funeral wishes, making mom happy seeing her other 2 kids, etc. </p>
<p>Amazingly, both my brother and sister voiced their thanks that my H and I have been so wonderful to take care of mom. They were both happy to say that anything we do will have their approval and I about fell over from this statement- they both were very proud of the way things have been handled.</p>
<p>Just when I think the worst of them, they go and say something that makes me think they finally “get it”.</p>
<p>Of course it doesn’t make it any easier on this end and I know in a few months they will both question certain things that will be sure to happen. But at least I have one moment where they appreciated US.</p>
<p>And Yay! We took my brother to the airport yesterday, I was able to take the cushions off the sofa and wash them in detergent and vinegar to get rid of the smokey smell (Bro smoked 2 packs a day- outside). But I FINALLY have my house back.</p>
<p>Now all I have to do is laundry, write two papers for my college classes, comment on the class discussion board, and fix dinner. Woo hoo- things are back to “normal” :)</p>
<p>Just checking in to let you all know that today at Mass, the priest added a prayer for all caregivers, including those who found themselves in that position without help from others. I wondered if he read this thread, ha, ha ? </p>
<p>Will most likely vent about sister-in-law’s visit next week, maybe by then the hole in my tongue will have healed from bitting it.</p>
<p>Oh, gosh, I am not looking forward to seeing my sister-in-laws next week. Brother’s wife will no doubt go on and on about how they had to bring Mom’s ashes to town, and totally ignore the fact that my sisters and I are doing all the legwork on this end.</p>
<p>Deceased brother’s widow offered her house for post funeral reception. We knew this was coming. Out of town siblings of course want to go there because they want to see my brother’s children and rub elbows with her rich uptown relatives. I am the bad guy now because I said no. My mother did not like this girl and would be rolling over in her grave if we had the reception there. Lots of fights on where to have the reception. Unfortunately, family favorites were destroyed by Katrina and have not come back, so this has become a big issue.</p>
<p>Out of town sister who is very vain is demanding lots of pictures for slide show being deleted because her butt looks too big or she’s talking rather than smiling in the picture. Ridiculous, since she’s the thinnest of all of us. Husband is working wonders with photoshop to doctor the photos, but unfortunately, he can’t take 100 pounds off of me!</p>
<p>Just checking back in. It’s been 9 months since my dad died. My mother made it through the winter alone in her big house, but she has had to deal with electrical, plumbing, snow and yard issues. Some things we fix, others we let go. She never had to deal with everything before and it really stresses her.</p>
<p>However, she refuses to move and at this point, she can live in her home. She is hooked up to ADT and faithfully wears the button in the house. She is most worried about falling (almost 89). We also had the conversation about what happens when she can’t manage. I told her I can’t care for her in her hometown and I will have to move her closer to me so I can manage her care. I reminded her how helpful it was to have my dad in a hospice near me so my siblings could use our home as a base and I could be there in 5 minutes. Of course, she hates hospice and doesn’t want to die there.</p>
<p>My siblings have also acknowledged how much I do/did for my parents even though they helped when they visited. Up until my dad was actually dying and they were in shock, they were both in terrible states of denial and the arguments were bitter. I hope they remember this when my mother fails. It was an awful time for me.</p>
<p>I really appreciate this thread. It’s my first time posting on it but I subscribed awhile ago. It makes me grateful, my mom is fairly healthy at 86, driving some, goes out with friends and is not frail- if you met her you would not see her as an 86 year old. However, we’re at the third time in 18 months she has lived with us for months because of a problem at her senior living villa. They have fixed it but each time, she is older and it is getting harder. She’s moving to a new unit as she is sure it’s making her head fuzzy still, (in actuality, it’s age and neurological issues of memory) but fine, if it will make her happy, move. However, she has wanted to redo the unit and it’s become our project not hers, as she is not able to make decisions as easily and can’t get the spatial awareness of how things look. It’s been a long week of spending it with her almost 24/7 and now with her decorator for 8 hours at a time that’s almost as difficult as she is. The memory is going, she blames it on anything else. I’ve had to “hide” her vitamins that the doctor didn’t want her on. I feel like I have a toddler again that I have to respect as she’s my mom. My kids are out of the house this summer, my husband is traveling and I feel trapped. Hopefully, now that the decisions are mostly done, she will do her own thing more.
I feel so grateful I’m dealing with these issues when you all are dealing with all the rest. But I’ve got the brother in town who goes months without seeing or calling my mom. My sister who lives out of town but is the “glory amazing” sister who in actuality, does nothing. The only thing I get my brother to do now is when I call up and assign him a task to do. My sister is coming in while I have a planned vacation next week for at least some if it. My mom is upstairs in my house and I don’t want her here alone. However, as my friends have said, my sister will un-decide everything we figured out or try and change things. My family calls her the tornado, she lands, stirs up trouble and leaves.
They both thanked me this week, the first time in all the years of moving back here there’s been any acknowledgement of what I do. It has always all been on me and I’m feeling the pressure
Thanks for letting me vent. I know I’m lucky and could be dealing with much worse. Strangers say I’m so patient with her but inside I’m screaming.</p>
<p>hi fourkidsmom. welcome. thanks for sharing. things can change pretty quickly but it sounds like you already have a handle on things. it helps to be in the same town.</p>
<p>My FIL is moving into assisted living at the end of the month while MIL is staying in their too large house on her own. My husband and I simply cannot help her and she is extremely angry with us about that. I’m working 11 hours a day, plus about 6 on weekends just to make our ends meet (and they’re not quite meeting some months). Neither of us have the time to take on her yardwork in her massive yard and we simply don’t have the income to pay someone to do it. I wish I could help her but I just can’t. 10 years ago when they bought that house we pleaded with them to consider something smaller, but they wouldn’t consider it. And now our fears have been realized. I don’t know what its going to take to get her to ever consider moving - but she really needs to. She can barely get around and there isn’t even an entrance to the house that doesn’t involve stairs - there is even half a flight from the garage! I don’t understand how a house could even be built like that. And of course since she is mad at us she won’t call. She wasn’t even going to tell us she was moving fil into the home. She said she had to do it because he fell and it took her 15 minutes to get him up. What happened to her phone? Our house in 5 minutes from hers.</p>
<p>Hold fast, PhotoOp. She needs to realize she can’t stay in the house. You can remind her that they had a wonderful 10 years in the house, but the time has come…</p>
<p>My parents refused to get help … at one point my sister and I were each spending 2-3 nights a week at their house to help my Dad out taking care of my Mom. After a few months of this my sister and I told my parents we couldn’t continue to support them this way anymore … it was too distruptive to our own lives … eventually they moved off the dime and got some help. One of the challenges with my parents is at every step they are in denial and fight changing until they absolutely have to … it makes every transition harder than it needs to be … but it is what it is.</p>
<p>Hang in there and hopefully things will work out.</p>
<p>Anyone have advice about estate attorneys? I talked to one today who was very nice and seemed to know what she was talking about. She talked to me for about 20 minutes about priorities and gave me names of financial advisers as well. She also advised me not to be on my parent’s bank account as it would be a legal problem between my brother and myself if they die and to use instead, a properly drawn up POA. She charges $150/hour (I assume is standard) and recommended by an attorney friend whom I trust. But, she is not on the NAELA (Nat association of elder law attorneys) or NELF (National elder law foundation) lists. I have e-mailed another attorney on the NELF site. What have the rest of you done?</p>
<p>What is the legal problem in being on the accounts, GT? Other than the legal fact that if you are on the accounts as joint tenant that money becomes 100% yours at their deaths so technically your brother has no rights to it. But if you just use it to pay final bills, you can transfer the rest to an estate account or 1/2 to your brother, unless the amounts are large enough to be estate planning significant amounts?</p>
<p>There are two things that come to mind about your question, GT alum. If you are to be responsible for your parents’ affairs should they be unable to tend them, a PoA gives far- reaching authority on numerous fronts. The PoA can be used as needed, and ignored as indicated. It is the handiest thing in the world for addressing the ambiguities of the aging process. I have both PoA for my father and my name on his bank accounts. I have also managed his investments, without having my name officially on the accounts, but using the PoA form with the specific financial institution (who may have their own forms and process) to allow me to transfer funds, make phone inquiries, etc. I find that day to day, it really helps to be able to sign his checks and pay bills online (which you can set up independently without legal paperwork last I knew). Do check possible legal and tax ramifications of any decisions made.</p>
<p>Attorneys draft PoAs in long and short forms; there may be variations by state (not my expertise). Unlike adding your name to a bank account, there is a fee involved in creating PoAs. That said, I would not be without one. Things can turn on a dime and today’s business world is complex, with access often requiring computer skills, multiple calls down elaborate phone chains, good hearing, and other assets that are likely to diminish over time. Implemented effectively, it can be a tool that reflects current capabilities while avoiding back and forth that could become humiliating to the elder over time.</p>
<p>Good luck to you as you sort this out. I am giving you the boots on the ground version of this; there are likely experts here who could be more illuminating about the specific legal options.</p>
<p>If you feel competent and are organized and there is not a large estate at stake, you can draft your own Durable POA and medical POA. Just make sure that the forms are state specific and that you are very careful and that all siblings agree. I would only do this if your parent is single. The forms are fairly simple and straightforward. Okay, I know I’m going to be hammered for this advice, but it’s worked for us. </p>
<p>I would be curious how many men are posting here. Let us know and good for you.
Has anyone noticed how many posts are sent in the wee hours of the morning?</p>
<p>somemom - yes, that is the problem, that money is 100% mine and it would be a trust issue that I transfer 1/2 the money to the estate. At this moment, it is a large amount as it is the balance between selling their house in FL and buying their condo here. I don’t expect it to stay there as we need to consult with a financial adviser as to the best way to invest it. But, as of now, it would give me a significant portion of their estate. I would need to be trusted to put 1/2 back into the estate. </p>
<p>I am planning on complete transparency and to avoid disputes before they happen. For example, my parent’s gave me a car I wanted after the move. However, I can sell it easily and it’s work about 12K. Even though I want the car, I plan to sell it and split the proceeds with my brother. My brother insists it is not a problem, but I want to avoid any thoughts that I have a monetary advantage. </p>
<p>travelnut- yes, she felt the POA was the “cleaner” option and would allow me to manage affairs just as easily. I have one in which I am POA along with my brother but it needs to be reviewed as we are in a different state and determined if my brother should be a co POA or if myself being the sole POA would help facilitate managing affairs.</p>
<p>We had no fee in creating a POA, except the notary.</p>
<p>About moving to AL. My friend invited her parents to come stay near her through the winter, and set them up as short term at an AL place. At that point, her father was increasingly disabled and her mother was just starting to lose some memory. The parents saw it as vacation, enjoyed the meals, friends, activities and also thought of it as short term, though it ended up being permanent. At that point, the sister did have control of finances- and the parents had the resources. I don’t want that to seem harsh, but it met so many needs.</p>
<p>Finances is another issue altogether. I fully expect mil will never, ever give up control of her finances. She is competent at this point but she has been so money focused her entire life that that is one thing I can count on never changing. She has never shared any financial info with us. She has never even shared the terms of her will. So luckily she has her mental capacity, but physically she is not doing as well. While fil is better physically but Alzheimers is apparently even taking that away. I’m worried this move will kill him. I think sometimes they will themselves to die when they see a massive change like this looming.</p>
<p>Same with my grandmother. No will. In the end, after her flip-flopping several times, favoring me, my brother, me, his kids, my kids, we had her IRAs list both my brother and me as POD. My mother got the bank account, as next of kin. That did not stop him from suspecting I had taken a larger share of other assets, because she had always talked big to him, implied he’d be set for life. I thought he was going to hire an investigator.</p>