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<p>Interesting preironic. But, I do need advice as to whether it is best to leave my brother on the POA or not. </p>
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<p>I always feel that men unfairly get extra credit for doing the things that women typically do. Such a fuss always made over my H when he took the kids out in their double stroller (and he was mostly a stay at home dad) and when he bags groceries, which I do as well, he always gets thanked by the cashier. I don’t think that’s happened to me.</p>
<p>Regarding men, I do the lion’s share of the work with my mother, but my DH is wonderful support and actually notices things before I do. We both work to help each other deal with all our remaining parents. It was actually my DH’s idea that my mother move in with us! And he was right, I was fighting the inevitable, but it was the right choice.</p>
<p>Props to your H for noticing and suggesting that your mom move in with you. That was observant and generous of him. It isn’t easy having parents in your home, especially in-laws. I always give folks credit when they live in a multi-generational household. </p>
<p>My younger sis lives with her MIL, H & their S. It works OK because sis is so easy-going. She knew marrying her H that she would be living with MIL. Fortunately, they make it work pretty well and it saves them the cost of buying or renting their own place, which in HI can be easily $500K+ and up to buy and $2.5K+/month to rent.</p>
<p>Female here- my B who very much surprised me when my dad died and has coshared the time and work from a distance for my mother. I do however see that I look more like a marathoner than he does I think because he never had kids. He is getting tired of it (intense the last 4 months) and I am taking over more at this time.</p>
<p>Yes I do post frequently very late at night. I do share alot of the posts and thread with H also. I just had him read the info about POA and he is working on talking with his dad (92) right now about it. I have told him I have learned alot with my mom’s issues and that I will be there to assist him but he will be the primary help.</p>
<p>PhotoOp,
You may have to be ok with the fact that your inlaws are making choices that you don’t agree with. And also be comfortable when the consequences of those choices fall on their shoulders. Let their frustrations with these consequences roll off you like a duck sheds water. When they are upset that you can’t come over and cut the grass (or fill in the blank with any chore), just let that roll off you. You can only do what you can do and no more. Don’t give into feelings of guilt. </p>
<p>We had to set up boundaries with my in-laws when my FIL got very ill. My MIL was very resistant to hiring help and wanted her boys to come over and help every night (she needed help moving him into bed and with the night time routine). The boys helped out for a week or so and then let their mom know that they could not continue doing this. She had to get outside help. And then they said No when she asked for more help which forced her to hire help. </p>
<p>They could not allow her choice to interfere with their lives. I know that this sounds heartless but the timing of when she asked for help (quite late at night) interfered with them getting up in the morning and going to work. It was really a healthy boundary for them to erect as it was not a reasonable request. Boundaries are your friend. They are not mean. They can be very healthy. Do not be afraid of them.</p>
<p>^ great post. I’ve often said dealing with elderly parents is a lot like dealing with young kids with two a couple major differences … first, the young kids continue to mature and things tend to get better over time while with the parents things continue to get worse … second, with kids we as parents are the ultimate decision maker while with our parents if they make bad choices there is not much we can do other than help them deal with the consequences.</p>
<p>fourkidsmom, welcome to the thread.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, but I had to laugh at “glory amazing sister.” PERFECT description for some siblings! It’s too bad yours are so unhelpful, but at least your brother will do assigned tasks? I’d get him a little more involved, anything you can do to take some of the burden off your shoulders.</p>
<p>GTalum - I think yours is one of those situations that is too complicated to do yourself as far as the POA. My mother is single and of modest means and my brother and mother both live in my state. I just mentioned the do it yourself approach for people like us. Can save money for sure. I’ve been working on this financial stuff for nearly 6 months now, so I don’t know how you guys with complicated situations do it. I’m going crazy with it. Now I’ve got to change all the beneficiaries for Mom’s accounts since my deceased sister is on most of them. I have to call, get a form, fill out the form, get my mother to a notary, and send them each back to the correct company - 5X! I think about this when I look at my own retirement accounts. Time to consolidate. BTW, I have the glory amazing brother. Gave her hell as a teen and young adult, but golden now. Even though I do the bulk. Serenity now.</p>
<p>Thanks bookreader - that is helpful. I think it helps that I really have no choice. I have to work the extra hours right now to get by and I don’t even have time to keep my own house up. Unfortunately the things she needs most help with are also things my husband cannot do. She needs gardening and he is deathly allergic to grass (we use a gardener for our own yard). I am sure she needs help with lifting and pouring the kitty litter - something else he is deathly allergic to which is why I take care of that in my house. I feel horrible about all this but she did indeed do it to herself when she insisted on buying that stupid mansion of a house. I have to just let her deal with her own problems. I was thinking we could have her over for dinner but since I haven’t done a lot of cleaning lately that is not a possibity either. (My husband also does all the cooking now.) Hopefully I can get some assistance from my own daughter when she is finally home for a 2-week summer visit. The good news here that I hang my hat on is that my daughter is graduating from college in May! She’s first generation so we are incredibly overcome by it. You have no idea how hard life can be without that degree.</p>
<p>There is something to be said for not rescuing people from situations that need to change. It won’t change if everyone enables the senior to be okay there. My MIL falls, she is unable to get up and nearly 200#, FIL is getting to old to get her up. He used to call a younger friend who lives nearby. The friend has decided that they should be in assisted living, he refuses to come help any more, he wants FIL to realize something big has to change.</p>
<p>MIL left FIL on the floor after he fell for 3 hours until the scheduled VNA visit. She didn’t want to “bother” us since VNA was due to come anyway! VNA and the PMD finally convinced her to place him in an extended care facility. She just didn’t want to spend the money since the nurse came 3 times a week and a CNA came several times a week to give him a bath. She just left him in bed and would help him to the commode. I was horrified, but was told my suggestions weren’t welcome. He passed away 20 days later.</p>
<p>PhotoOp
How very exciting about your daughter! I was the first in my family to earn a college degree, so I can understand your excitement. </p>
<p>And you can give yourself permission to stop feeling ‘horrible’ about the situation your inlaws are in. They chose it and certainly didn’t choose it to make you feel horrible. Life is much too short to spend time feeling bad for the situation of others that you had nothing to do with. (Of course I am not referring to real poverty and things like that.)</p>
<p>PhotoOp- Certainly everyone is right, you need to practice “tough love” and let them know what your limits are. MIL will need to know that if she wants to keep a large house, the costs of that upkeep. You should not feel responsible. </p>
<p>My parents are doing better now they are getting settled in and we are looking in the rear-view mirror at the chaos. They do take wrong turns during their daily walk but are finding their way back. They remember when meals are, and getting to the dining room or buying groceries at the grocery store 2 blocks away. In discussion about an estate attorney, my dad suggested they didn’t “need” me to be there but it would be OK. Of course, he “forgot” that I set up on-line banking, paid his bills, cancelled automatic drafts, made airline and hotel reservations for a weekend trip they will be taking and made arrangements at the other end so that they would have rides to go where they needed. Not to mention facilitating much unfinished business in FL.</p>
<p>So, I wondered if I am micromanaging? I tried to leave every item for them to do but they just couldn’t overcome the inertia of getting started and things were just getting left undone. So, I am making myself scarce for a few days to see if any stuff on their list gets completed or even started. I’ll see if Dad manages any bills instead of getting angry at them and saying he “refuses to pay” because he is getting “ripped off” and “getting taken advantage of.”</p>
<p>According to a guy I know who runs Caregiver Foundation of America, its a very good idea to ASK the financial institutions where the individual has assets for each of the power of attorney forms, as many will ONLY accept forms that is from their in-house attorney and NOT one you may draw up or your attorney may create. It can be major headaches and require time in court with an attorney if you don’t use their form.</p>
<p>Is there a problem with listing brother and you as equal powers of attorney? If it is a manageable solution and you have mutual trust and each of you has full powers, I do not see a problem. Maybe I’m missing something?</p>
<p>Am proud of mom that she"s not fighting the physical therapist and walked on the anti-gravity treadmill today and they also worked more on her balance (having her bounce on a trampoline and walk on a line forward and backward).</p>
<p>My older sister said she can’t figure out why mom’s getting therapy and doesn’t just take Tai Chi or other free exercise courses instead. She says there is NOTHING wrong with mom and can’t see the point. I was ready to cheerfully strangle sis, but said that mom, I, D & the PT agree that mom can work on balance and strengthening her legs and lengthening her stride. Mom likes the PT and she finds it all very pleasant. </p>
<p>After we finished with the PT, I bought her an iced dessert and new shoelaces. I also emphasized to her how it’s great that she’s lengthening her stride, which I said is why and how dad walks so briskly & how my entire family walks fast. I said that’s why many of the great runners are tall as well, because they have a longer stride. She seems to be taking it to heart and when we walked around WalMart after PT and our treat, I never had to stop to wait for her to catch up! I’m thrilled!</p>
<p>Here’s one for you: You know the old guy who everybody thinks is poor but he’s actually just frugal and has thousands squirreled away under his mattress?</p>
<p>My uncle just passed away. He was that guy. I am putting my share of the money in my grandson’s college fund…it was a total windfall for me. Unexpected & pretty unbelievable. :eek:</p>
<p>HImom–great about your mom & the PT success! :)</p>
<p>My mantra is “we’re all just doing the best we can”. I think that to myself when I start to second-guess my decisions, and I think that of others when I get frustrated and feel that they could be doing more. Everyone is doing the best they can.</p>
<p>somemom I really liked your epiphany.</p>
<p>esobay you’re doing so much, hang in there.</p>
<p>ECmotherx2 that sounds very scary to think of your MIL leaving your FIL on the floor for hours.</p>
<p>Montegut - editing the photos in the slide show, really? who has time for that with everything else going on?</p>
<p>HImom it sounds like your mom is getting a lot of benefit from the PT.</p>
<p>mommusic, nice :)</p>
<p>GTAlum and rockymtnhigh remember that POA, regardless of who is named, ends at death. It’s fine while it lasts, but you’ll need to have an executor named and either a will or (best case) a trust set up as well.</p>
<p>PhotoOp you sound like you have so much on your plate. Congrats to your daughter.</p>
<p>fourkidsmom welcome to the thread.</p>
<p>My elderly friend is still in the dementia unit where she was moved after she was found wandering in the parking lot. She does get lost on occasion, but in talking to her on the phone it seems that she’s back to her usual self in many other ways. I think she’s almost completely rebounded from her stroke and her 3 days on the floor. I’d like to see her moved back into AL, not in the least because it would save $1500/month and she’s going to rapidly deplete her meager savings if she stays in the dementia unit. I worry about what will happen to her once her money is gone. So far, moving her closer to my family will be even more expensive than where she is now. My parents visited her town last month and my sister will be there next week. I don’t have any plans to go back but feel like I should do so in the next couple of months.</p>
<p>My MIL passed away and we spend last weekend on the East Coast for her burial and to clean out her nursing home room & storage unit. We went through boxes and boxes of papers - tax returns from the 1950s, newspaper clippings, scrapbook items that somehow never made it into scrapbooks, old photo albums, DH’s grade school reports cards…it seemed unending, but we got through it all with BIL’s help. Now I’m dealing with all the probate paperwork. DH is Executor, and the attorneys’ rates are $250-350/hour. MIL would never agree to change her accounts to Transfer on Death, and BIL would never agree to distributing some of the (ample) estate before death, so we’re paying hefty estate taxes to the state along with the probate fee. One of the accounts was escheated simply because no one was paying attention. I’m doing what I can to fill out forms and gather information in order to minimize attorney fees, with DH’s blessing, but all of this could have been handled so much better. I was late to this family, have only been married to DH for 4 years, so I could only carefully urge DH to do some minimal estate planning and then shut up and let him take it from there.</p>
<p>Everyone did the best they could…(taking deep breath).</p>
<p>I don’t want to inflict any of this on my sons, so I’m attacking my file cabinets with renewed vigor and am making time to finally transfer title of our house into our joint trust.</p>
<p>Yea, thx! My older sis still grumbles that we should have had mom go to a closer PT, not this far away one and she sees NO difference. I said I do and the PT does. Sis just says oh, well, for next time, we should go to closer one where apsis has gone to PT, as its just fine and mom doesn’t need this one that I chose for mom. </p>
<p>I don’t care and am just glad mom is doing the PT cheerfully enough. Dad is happy too. I’ve taken mom 3x and sis has only gone once, so feel she doesn’t really have much of a handle on this, only that she had used closer PT for her shoulder (which I don’t feel applies). </p>
<p>The FAR PT is 10 miles away and close one is maybe <5; sis likes to have anything to grumble about anyway. </p>
<p>Oh well, so far, so good.</p>
<p>mommusic: what a nice surprise!</p>
<p>Totally bummed, as mom was told that the car service she was using (that I found via my EAP) is ceasing operation at the end of the month. Ugh. It really made such a difference to both my mom & I. Supposedly there is another similar type of service that they will tell her about. </p>
<p>And I thought of all of you yesterday: mom’s been complaining all week about a bite on her leg and she’s being having chills/sweats, very tired, etc. And she hates the heat so that’s been taking a toll even though she’s running the AC pretty high. I insisted that she go to the walk in clinic yesterday. When I went to pick her up, she showed me a note saying her house had to be treated for Brown Recluse spiders (!?) since they’ve been sighted. I took a look at her leg & the area around the bite was very hard & swollen, which was exaggerated because she’s so thin. Luckily, it wasn’t a brown recluse bite, but it was some type of infected bite and she’s now on an antibiotic. But, the NP immediately asked during the exam if she was having any bladder issues because her symptoms were typical of a UTI. Mom said no, but the NP made sure to put her on an antibiotic that would cover both the bite & the UTI. I would never have know about the UTI/senior connection if it wasn’t for y’all.</p>
<p>The other thing that is now concerning me: Mom dropped about 8 pounds since May. She doesn’t have any to lose. She’s made it through 3 years of dental work staying steady at the same weight and it seems odd that she’s lost that much so quickly. Hoping it’s just because of the infection and that she’ll put it back soon. She can’t drink any of the Ensure products (they go through her.) Blech.</p>