Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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1621

<p>

This was initially my parents preference however it would have been really expensive and invasive for my parents. With her dementia were multiple issues with her staying home. First, she would have needed 24-hour care at home … my parents weren’t big on assisted living but also hated the idea of a stranger being in their home all the time (in other words from their perspective they only had bad choices). Second, the house would have needed a lot of work to make it safe for her. A bathroom would have needed to be renovated for her physical limitations. In addition lots of safety precautions would be needed to prevent her from hurting herself … doors, stairs, stove, microwave, knives, tools, etc all would have to made “elder” proof … and my dad would have to deal working through the security every time he wanted use any of these everyday things. She got to the point where AL was the easier path.</p>

1622

<p>My mother told me yesterday that she had the guy who fixed her furnace run to the store and buy her some fresh fruit and veggies. I don’t know what to think anymore. She was given a list of companies and people she could hire to help her out and rather than call them she has this guy do it.</p>

1623

<p>shyanne, what’s a kid to do?</p>

1624

<p>Shyanne, he was probably glad to do it but still. My mom used to drive me crazy by asking my opinion on something important, then a week later telling me on the phone “the guy fixing my stove said to do xyz, and he was such a nice person, so that’s what I did.” if it wasn’t the stove guy it was the dryer guy, the plumbing guy, etc. They just do what they want . Sigh.</p>

1625

<p>My mother has fought with all her neighbors and relatives so there are few people left to do things for her. I guess I should just be grateful this guy helped her.</p>

1626

<p>Sometimes it seems that hired caregivers and strangers are more tolerant with my mother and she does not get to manipulate them as well as neighbors and family. I even noticed that the agency changes the caregivers frequently because they said they can get burned out. I have no problem with that- what ever it takes.</p>

1627

<p>LOL Talk about manipulative seniors…Friday I took some flowers from our yard to a woman, a longtime friend & the mother of one of my friends, who just moved into a long term care home. As I was walking down the hall, another woman just sitting there said, “Hey! What’s your name?” So I stopped to be friendly. The next thing she said was “Pretty flowers! I want some!” Trapped, I said, well these are for the woman in room X, but I can bring you some next time I come. “OK, I’m in room Y.”</p>

<p>On my way out, 45 minutes later, the other woman was still sitting there. I thought, she seemed a little loopy, maybe she won’t remember, but she said, “Don’t forget my flowers!” :rolleyes:</p>

1628

<p>That was really sweet of you to take flowers to your friend. The woman in the hall is hilarious. It’s hard to know if she’s just one of those people who no longer has a filter between her thoughts and her words, or if she desperately craves visitors and interaction with people. Probably your flowers were just too pretty for her to not say anything. :)</p>

1629

<p>Joining the thread late… and haven’t had time to read all posts, so I bet you have all covered some of the issues we are having. But I have just been pulled into starting to care for my mom in the past six weeks, and can see it is going to be a long road with both parents over the next few years. My mom had a stroke that affected her speech center about six weeks ago, pretty good health until then (maybe a bit of dementia). I live a 10 hour drive away, but have a brother and SIL (who is a nurse) in their hometown. I came down to stay for a few days with dad while mom was rehabbing in a SNF, and now am here for a few days with mom while dad takes a break and goes to their cabin with my brother. Mom is doing PT, OT, and speech therapy at home – coming along pretty well.</p>

<p>My parents live in a two story home that they had built in 1963. Mom is 84, dad is 86. It is in good repair, but it is really getting to be too much for them. And mom can’t do the stairs alone now, so needs someone with her each time she goes up and down. And the laundry is in the basement (dad had never done a load in his life as far as I can tell, although he has figured out permanent press settings for his clothes – but he is afraid to wash her stuff). They have been asking their cleaning people (who come every other week) to do more and more stuff (cleaning in the basement and garage, for example, and now dad wants to ask them to do the ironing). They clean for my SIL as well, and she told me they are feeling pressured to do things that (1) aren’t on the list of things they normally do for clients and aren’t services they want to offer, and (2) they don’t have time to do because they have other clients to get to the same day. SIL told me yesterday…I am going to have to talk to my dad about it when he gets back. I suggested to him that the cleaners in town will also launder and press things (thus solving the ironing problem, although not cheaply) – don’t think he has looked into that even though I suggested it back when I was here during the SNF stay. I will look at their yellow pages ad today and show him, I think. My parents can afford this, a move to independent living, etc. Although one way they got to the point of affording it was by being very cheap through the years – so getting them to loosen up for these things will surely be an issue. I am going to talk to my brother about offering to help out more with stuff the cleaning people don’t do, like the garage and basement. But he is kind of a bluster, rah-rah guy who will brush it off and may not help much.</p>

<p>Dad is adamant about not moving – trying to soften him up on the idea of an independent living facility for the two of them, but not sure he will consider it. I told him to at least think about it, because if they have to move on short notice or something happens so he can’t make decisions for a while, it would be better if we had an idea of what they might want/were thinking about. He is still driving, mom won’t any more (although her neurologist said possibly she could :eek: Clearly the man has not been in a car with her in the past 10 years! But I think my dad sees that this isn’t a good idea.). But I can’t imagine us getting the car keys away from him.</p>

<p>Like I said, I am sure this has also come up… but my mom has always been a person fixated on appearances. And my parents are also very bigoted… Today I said, “Oh, the Sunday Detroit Free Press is in the box. Let’s walk out and get it.”. Mom: “I HATE the Free Press. It is full of BLACK news.”. And she didn’t mean depressing news… And she talks about how fat everyone is (neighbors, my SIL, etc.). So far not to their faces, but I can see the day coming as she seems to be losing some ability to filter in conversation. I just know that soon she is going to say something awful to my SIL (who has done a ton of caregiving and helping) or to someone helping care for her who is of some other race or ethnicity. The guy who cuts my hair also had a stroke recently, and when I told her she said, “Good!” (as she is does not like the way he cuts my hair). I called her on that one, told her it was unkind both to him and to me, and she needed to stop. She just rolls her eyes and turns up the sound on Fox a little higher… :(</p>

<p>Anyway – like I said, I know this has probably all been discussed, and some of you are dealing with worse situations… but just had to say it to somebody because I don’t want to talk to my kids about it, and my SIL is already well aware. The support group known as CC – glad you are here!</p>

1630

<p>^ welcome to the, unfortunately, very big club on CC.</p>

<p>One suggestion that might help your parents with a possible move. My sister and I scouted possible assisted living and nursing homes first … we probably looked at a dozen and cut the list down to three which we showed our Dad. Clearly this was less work for Dad but the bigger bennie was it shielded from seeing some of the terrible places and some of the folks in tough shape. We actually did this over time … my sister and I went and checked places and asked Dad if he wanted to come along and he said no … a few weeks later he went to look at the top 3 options just to check them out … a few weeks later we went with him again looking to move my Mom and decided on a place … and then he decided to wait a few weeks when we set the move date. IMO we moved my Mom later than we should have … but we eventually figured out a way to do all the leg work for my parents and to get them to make the tough decision.</p>

1631

<p>Yes, that is a thought. We were driving past a place when I was in town a few weeks ago, and I just asked if he had thought about independent living places like that. He said, “NO! You don’t want to move into one of those places until you absolutely have to!” Which is when I brought up that they might at least look into their options so we would know what they were thinking if something needs to be done on short notice or when he can’t do as much as he can now. I am not sure he would take well to knowing I am investigating those options. But I might do some on my own and start a spreadsheet/list of places… and bring it up again in six months.</p>

<p>Another topic that he was a little more open to was the POA discussion. He and mom have POA for each other – but she is clearly in no condition to execute POA for him. And may not be again. I suggested to him that he give my brother POA for both of them (figured if I asked for it myself, it would be seen as trying to get at his assets somehow). He acknowledged that “maybe I should think about that”.</p>

1632

<p>Welcome, inparent, to this large group. It is amazing as you read the stories how many of us are in very similar situations.</p>

<p>My 89 yr old mother lost my dad last fall, 11 days after I moved him into alzheimer’s care. She refuses to leave their home and so far she is managing with a housekeeper and yard care. I visit every week to run errands, dr appts, look through her mail. She is fortunate that money will never be an issue.</p>

<p>She will not look at independent living even though I think she would be happier and surrounded by other people. Her friends are either ill or dead and she is lonely. She drives rarely (2 miles to the store).</p>

<p>I did tell her that if she falls or has a major health problem, I will have to move her closer to me so I can care for her. She was unhappy, but it planted the seed. Luckily she is very healthy, so she can manage on her own for now. I am 45 minutes away. She is sick of cooking, doesn’t want Meals on Wheels, so I fill her refrigerator with high-cal microwave meals and ice cream.</p>

<p>She did not expect her life to be this way in her last years. She is SO fortunate to have good health.</p>

1633

<p>Welcome intparent. Of course, moves to independent living at a retirement complex should be accomplished before your have to. In my area, the best places have a 2-10 year waiting list. Of course, your dad needs to realize that he will be “it” from now on and needs to take care of the home and property. If your brother came and helped clean the garage and basement, he would think he is managing. I found it helpful for my in-laws to ask 1. What specifically needs to happen when you know you “have to” move and 2. Choose places to visit for when the “have to” move so that you know preferences. When they visit, they may find there is a waiting list. In addition, they will find that they will live independently. </p>

<p>For the POA discussion, I would tell him something needs to be in place if something happens and he cannot manage finances since your mom clearly can’t. </p>

<p>As to my parents, they are getting settled at their retirement center. They are meeting other couples and having dinner dates. Dinner is pretty upscale and like you would get at a fancy hotel and the food is loved by both. An appointment with an estate attorney is set up for next month. They plan on taking a driver’s test this week. We will see if either passes. Dad has already admitted that it may take him several tries.</p>

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<p>The one thing I know my dad is on top of is the estate stuff (small blessing, that). I do agree that while we do things for them they think they are “managing”. Don’t know that I will be able to get them to visit places, though. They live in a town that probably only has a handful of options, too. Not a tiny town, but not a big city.</p>

1635

<p>12 days and counting!!! Talked my mother (maybe) into moving into AL. Money paid, but still have to await Dr’s appt. and report on the 8th (wouldn’t you know the doc would be out of the country once I got her to say she’d try it).</p>

1636

<p>Just in case they may help others… Some of my better lines…

  1. You haven’t been happy here for quite awhile; it’s time for something new.
  2. I am losing weight, losing sleep, and having trouble concentrating at work, all from worrying about you. You need more help.
  3. Managing this house is just too much of a burden for you. It’s time to come live with me, get 24 hour aides, or try assisted living.
  4. (And in response to “how would you like it if you were being told what to do?”). I hope when everyone who loves me believes I need more help, I would listen to them.
    Please add other persuasive arguments/approaches that you have used.</p>
1637

<p>

</p>

<p>Since there is no POA, it seems he is not. Also, laws have changed. Is he up on current laws?</p>

<p>That will be a big blessing for you jasmom. Just a hint, if there are forms that need to be filled out, make a copy, fill it out, and just let him/her review and sign it.</p>

1638

<p>My dad has regular reviews of his will, trusts, etc with his attorneys, and pulls us kids into meetings every couple of years to go over what is happening. Just last year we had a pow-wow on transfering cabin ownership to my sibling and adjusting the will to compensate me because of a change to his state’s tax laws that we could take advantage of. (Fine with me, I live pretty far away and rarely use the place, and a considerable amount of tax will be avoided). Yes, the POA needs to be adjusted. But the actual will, etc. is pretty tight. I am executor for another complex family estate right now, and am confident my dad & mom’s will be in good shape. </p>

<p>And I do think he will take care of the POA. “I will think about it” is all he will probably say to me. But I will check in with my brother in about a month, and strategize on how to move dad along if it isn’t done yet. The POAs exist (to each other), and I even think my mom could execute hers with some nudging from my brother and I (she will probably sign or request anything we tell her to). Obviously this is not right for the longer term. But pushing him harder right now probably won’t move it faster – I need to give him a chance to get it done himself before I bring it up or go at it from another angle.</p>

<p>One of my friends did say to me the other day that sometimes it feels like the best lesson we can take away from these issues with our parents is a reminder of how to make things easier for our own kids when our time comes. </p>

<p>Jasmom, I like those lines. Will keep watching for good suggestions out here.</p>

1639

<p>Elder lines: </p>

<p>-Mom/Dad, there isn’t anything we can’t do together.
-Yes, it will be a change. I want to hear your take on how it’s going and you know I’ll help in any way possible.
-It’s always easier to see what you are losing, but we wouldn’t be moving in this direction if there wasn’t much to be gained. Let’s give it a chance together.
-Why would you expect me to participate in making your life harder than it has to be? I love you too much for that.
-There are so many good moments to be had. Let’s optimize things so that you can devote your energy and efforts to what means the most to you.
-You always taught me that ____<strong><em>. There’s a lot of wisdom there, so let’s use it together.
-There is a choice here. You can choose where you will be best situated now and we can go forward with good planning, or we can wait for a crisis, have fewer options and forfeit some of your preferences.
-What would you want me to do if I were in this situation? How would you like to see someone you love situated as they face _</em></strong>_____?</p>

<p>Mostly, it’s about being steadfast in your love and intentions and not mixing it up with the most vulnerable, provocative part of the elder. Yeah, that’s all. Sure…</p>

1640

<p>Intpsrent- MIL just this month told DD she looked “fat in that dress”
DD said, “gee thank you grandma” and we laughed about it. DD is not fst. MIL made more hurtful comments about others later. It is rough</p>