<p>My grandmother could be extraordinarily difficult- somehow, when she tore into someone or something, I learned to rapidly change the topic to something she wanted to hear about or discuss. With her, the complaints were as much about her asserting herself. I’d have to interrupt, but she was satisfied to continue on the redirected topic, usually something “safe.”</p>
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<p>Yes… I brought D2 with me this time, and suggested to D1 that that she go see them for a couple of days as well. Which she is doing. And I made arrangements for us to Skype with my niece who lives down under while D2 and I were there. But all of the younger generation are pretty appalled at my parents’ attitudes and behavior (this is not really a new thing). They will all dutifully contact/visit if I ask them to. And my mom complains that she doesn’t see or hear enough from them – never making the connection that her own behavior is driving them away.</p>
<p>Honestly, I have been thinking of moving to be closer to them in a year or two to help out more. But after this week I am tempted to move farther away instead of closer…</p>
<p>LaMas - your last post is why I love this thread. There is a lot of compassion and practical advice here.<br>
Intparent - sorry the visit was not pleasant. Kudos to you and your D for going and helping even thought you expected the outcome correctly.<br>
Hugs to all.</p>
<p>On a more pleasant side, I introduced my mom to cat videos on the internet. 
She doesn’t use the computer at all, though dad does. We sat on the couch and watched them together.</p>
<p>Intparent: sorry about the criticism and your D’s. I have lots and lots of stories about things my mom has said along the way to my girls, some of them very critical to D1, some where she waits till she’s alone with them and then throws DH & I under the bus to them. The end result is that there is no desire for my D’s to spend time with her. Mom can’t see that any of it is her doing, after all she’s just being “truthful.” It must be me & DH poisoning them against her. That song has luckily died down a little over the years, and my girls will contact her, or go out with her when prompted as a courtesy to me and out of respect for the fact that she’s their grandmother. I am thankful that they have a great relationship with my inlaws. And I have learned a lot about what NOT to do to have a solid relationship with them as adults, by keeping in mind “What Would Mom Do (or say)” and pretty much not doing that ;)</p>
<p>And it makes me realize that I’m not alone since there are so many of you who have parents who have the “fat issue.” What is the deal with that?!</p>
<p>Did I already post this? I probably did, but it is worth repeating in the current FAT context. FIL despises FAT, MIL despises FAT, has told me she would fast M-F so she could go out on the weekends. She did diet pills & diet shots, we think that contributed to her subsequent disability, we are pretty sure the stuff she took in the 60s & 70s was similar to meth.</p>
<p>Now that MIL cannot starve herself, her natural pudgy girl has come to be, she is 180-200# and a few years ago FIL asked me if I thought it would be okay to do liposuction on her stomach because he, “can’t stand that big belly” Um, yeah, 80+, disabled, cannot walk, basically bedbound, sure do some lipo. How sick and twisted is he to even think that? He points our fat people when we drive down the street.</p>
<p>My poor DH is not a small guy, never would be, and he grew up with their constant pointing out of his weight. I recently found a Christmas letter from his pre-teens where they tell all their friends and business associates how well he is doing on the new diet they started him on. Really? Really, parents? I thought Christmas letters were annoying because they brag, apparently his parents were so embarrassed he was ‘husky’ that they had to tell all their friends he had lost 10#</p>
<p>Our kids do NOT visit without one of us there to run interference.</p>
<p>My mother hates D1’s name. Thinks she should change it. She hasn’t told D1 yet. But she refers to my D by a nickname of her own choosing (an ok variant, just not what the girl id’s with.) </p>
<p>But, I think she has seen this daughter one time in the past 15 months. I run a lot of interference for my kids, as others say they do. We want to keep a semblance of normalcy. For our kids.</p>
<p>My DH was definitely damaged by his parents, like many other adults who can never please their parents, but keep trying. I made sure my kids never got roped into the emotional need to please DH’s parents. Treat them well & with courtesy & graciousness, yes, need their approval, no.</p>
<p>I always ran interference for my kid, too. Grandma likes to put anyone down and it didn’t start in her old age. </p>
<p>Our parent’s generation always seemed to worry about weight a lot and gray hair. Always had to be perfect.</p>
<p>LasMa, I am glad it helped. I <em>try</em> to enjoy Mom and now she is much better than she used to be about the snark thing.
I am sorry for people whose parents are still picking on issues instead of just enjoying their grandchildren. </p>
<p>lookingforward, I am guilty of that name change thing in a way. Bro and SIL named their first D xxx, SIL did not know at the time that it was a family name. They call her xxy … well xxy was the name of a cow we used to have that I hated. Maybe my bro was too young to deal with her, but I just can’t call niece xxy… so I call her by her full name. She is 29 now and I should just get over myself, huh. The cow as been gone for lots longer than that! She likes the name so who am I to be so judgmental.
It was a subtle power play I guess between me and SIL? Now I feel badly that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree as I learned this behavior at my mother’s knee.</p>
<p>So much rings true in these 117 pages! My 88 year old mom also talks loudly and pointedly about people whom she refers to as FAT – not that she’s slender herself! And she is also big on eating ice cream or ice cream bars just like my MIL. </p>
<p>Right now, she is across the country with my brother and SIL, bless my SIL’s heart. But she wants to come back to her house – that she moved back to 4.5 months after I moved her to a senior residence. It is very obvious that she can’t live alone because she stopped taking her meds and generally won’t eat and drink unless it is put in front of her. Her house is overrun with stacks of paper. Today, I found a copy paper box mostly filled with junk mail. I’ll have hell to pay if she finds anything gone; DD’s strategy is just to spread things out so its hard to tell anything is missing. There’s so much that I can still do that. She’s still railing about the bags of 1980s clothing I took to Goodwill last summer. Gee, she still has over four closets full of clothing left even after the two enormous ones she took with her. Am panic stricken about what I’ll do when she gets back. She can be lucid long enough such that I can’t get conservatorship, and she overestimates her current capabilities. :(</p>
<p>One of the great things about this thread is that I discover that my parents’ weird idiosyncrasies are not as unusual as I thought. My mom is also highly critical of “fat” people – while herself appearing to be 8 months pregnant. :eek: </p>
<p>Does anyone else have racist parents? Mine were born and raised in the deep south in the 30s, admittedly a different time and place in term of race relations. But really, have they absorbed nothing of the past 50 years? Yesterday we were eating in the AL dining room, and the server was a young African American woman with a non-European name. Well! Mom went on and on about the kinds of names that “those women” give their children. “Where do they get these ridiculous names?” “Why can’t they give their children ‘regular’ names?” And worse things that I won’t post here. I had to shush her several times, she was getting so loud. I finally told her that this is 2013, and it’s not OK to be a bigot anymore. She tsk-ed disapprovingly, but she did pipe down finally.</p>
<p>Count my dad in as to being critical of “fat.” He “doesn’t understand” because he “just cut back on what he ate” and lost weight. This of course was a conversation in the dining room with several overweight people around us.</p>
<p>LasMa: my mom is not racist per typical American standards. She does call African American people “colored,” but I think that’s a generational thing. She HATES the n word. And she has asked Asian-Indian retail workers if they know her doctor “because he’s Indian too!” And based on her working experience, she will tell you that Mexicans and Dominicans are hard workers, but it’s the (fill in hispanic subgroup) who are lazy. So she’s not prejudiced against Hispanics either ;)</p>
<p>Where she really shines is in her assessment of fellow European subgroups (although she insists that she’s not European because England is an island. Despite all my arguments that there are only 7 continents and that England joined the E.U. American schools don’t know what they’re talking about.) And they’re not all negative stereotypes (Polish women are very clean.)</p>
<p>Living in NJ made it very easy for her to categorize people because most folks were only a few generations from emigration. Living in the South, where most people don’t have a connection to their original heritage, is very confusing to her. Because her lead question when meeting new people is “what nationality are you?” Here the answer is usually American, and when pressed they’ll say well I think my great great great grandpa might have been from X but we don’t really know.</p>
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<p>My parents are terribly racist, and openly admit it. 
No excuse of having been raised in the South, either, both born & raised in the midwest. My kids are appalled, and that is one thing we will all call them on. But my mom will just say, “Well, you don’t know the black people I know.” But as far as I can tell she does not actually KNOW anyone of a different race… </p>
<p>A couple of years ago my dad made a derogatory comment about kids my D1 was teaching in a college prep summer program for low income kids. We were leaving the house to attend an open house for the program, and my D about blistered the paint telling my dad that he would have to stay home and not join us if he was going to say things like that. As my parents think D1 walks on water, it was about the only time I have ever seen them shocked into silence on the topic. Both were very well behaved and carefully complimentary of the kids and program after that. But it only lasted one day…</p>
<p>My father makes similar generalizations. He has friends of color and different nationalities, and they’re fine, but “other people” fit the stereotypes, in his mind. I guess old habits are hard to break. He grew up in the South in the 30s, and things are sure different in 2013! Fortunately.</p>
<p>I admit I have this thing about overweight people when I know it’s their lousy eating habits that got them there. The hugely overweight guy in our hotel last week–every single morning at breakfast he had the entire buffet, from eggs and hash browns to a huge waffle smothered in butter and syrup. I thought to myself, “Are you on a weight GAIN program?” Anyway, my point is, someday when I get senile and lose my inhibitions my kids will probably have to stop me from saying rude things to strangers. :eek:</p>
<p>It’s the Muslims that my dad is upset about.</p>
<p>Oh, and don’t get them started on politics…augh</p>
<p>My SIL was appalled when my mother used the word “colored” but we have to remember that in their day, that was the politically correct word to use and they may well think they are being polite. Depends on how they use it I suppose, but my mother would be mortified to learn that she was using a derogative word when she used it. She always tries to be sensitive, but the world has passed her by when she wasn’t looking. When she was a younger woman, there was only one real alternative word and she does know not to use that one and I’ve only heard her say “colored” once.</p>
<p>mommusic - I admit to the same problem. I’m sure to be one hornery old goat if I make it that long.</p>