<p>Yeah, should be diapers here too but part of denial is using poise pads and thinking they are doing the job. Sigh.</p>
<p>^^we have a relative using maxi pads because she’s in denial. Like the checkout clerk thinks she needs them for their intended use :). </p>
<p>I don’t understand the mindset sometimes. I am sure it is awful to need something but why not at least be more comfortable or avoid having more to clean up?</p>
<p>surfcity, I have no idea, but my theory is that to admit that they need [walker, diaper, fill in the blank] means admitting that they’ve gotten really old, or that they can’t take care of themselves any more, or simply that they aren’t the person they still see themselves as being. I also think there’s pride involved; I think that one reason my father refused to use a walker was that he really believed that if he didn’t, no one would notice that he could barely walk. </p>
<p>And I guess all of that is more important to them than making cleanup easier. Logic isn’t a predominant feature in their thinking.</p>
<p>denial is a great defense mechanism, in brothers, in elderly, in life</p>
<p>Yes, every family seems to have someone who “doesn’t get” the reality of parents aging.</p>
<p>With elders, I think the failure to adapt to new circumstances can be a combination of denial, ignorance of how products new to them would work and difficulty assimilating new routines. If people have dementia or are very frail, there can come a point where they just can’t put it together that they need the walker, for example or even if they feel better with its security, they can’t use it consistently. Many even lose longstanding routines, like shaving or teeth brushing. It makes life challenging for them and those who, at a minimum, seek to keep them safe. It is a real barometer of what is realistic to expect from your family member and information to use when deciding what level of care is best. </p>
<p>Several years ago, I noticed that my father, who used a non-electric razor daily, was intermittently not shaved when I arrived in the afternoon. As that became a more regular occurrence, I swapped in an electric razor that streamlined the process and eliminated the need to use shaving cream, stand for as long, etc. He was very happy with that change and able to make it routine. Just don’t ask about how often I would arrive to find the razor disassembled into pieces that were never meant to be apart. I then found a razor without multiple round heads that stayed in one piece. Trial and error. </p>
<p>Best to all. It is so helpful to know we are not alone.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if anyone asked their parent’s physician for assisted living recommendations? I’m not sure if they are allowed to make those sorts of suggestions, but it seems a doctor with many elderly patients would be familiar with the quality of assisted care facilities.</p>
<p>Yes momsquad, they routinely advise on assisted living places in the community but this usually only comes up inpatient. I would start with a local hospital social work depart and ask them to fax or send you their list of recommended ones. I learned this from this thread and it did work.</p>
<p>I got more help with the services sorts of questions from the senior counsel / services people at the hospital. But Mom lives in a small town where you know the facilities because probably someone you know lives in one. I think Mom is in the best one over all, certainly the best for her right now. They are building on a memory unit that I hope will be finished in time for her since it would specialize in memory care and that is what she is missing (her memory, not the care). </p>
<p>It feels like the calm before the storm, Mom has been OK-ish lately, doing a lot of bus trips and getting out. But makes her tired so she can’t tell you where she went the next day. Next month is the last of the trial (I HOPE) for the evil renter and is the estate sale for her house. creeps a bit to have an estate sale when she is alive, but it is the only choice. One auction should happen next month and two should happen in Sept.
Now I am sweating the cousins who might want to have more of Grandma’s… well, guess they can go buy it, but I hope they don’t cause a scene. I won’t be there anyway, getting Mom out of town just in case some helpful “friend” wants to take her to the sale. ACK. She was crying about it today, brother says I should n’t even tell her it might happen, but since it will be advertised in the local paper and she still does read the paper almost daily, I think she’ll see it. I can’t sneak around this stuff anyway. I don’t remind her every day about it, but I have found that if I tell her several times over several weeks, it seens to soak in and get sort of remembered. At lest she remembers talking about it before.
I am sad, too about the breakup of Grandma’s house. She lived there most of my memory. Some of it was untouched by Mom even though Grandma died years and years ago. </p>
<p>Sorry for all going through this, but we can do it as best we can.</p>
<p>esobay- we just went through a very similar estate sale- of moms sibling- she knew about selling the house but i really did not mention the estate sale- well she did not see it in the paper which was a big surprise since she reads it front to back but someone else told her about it (nosey person at another event) and that it was that weekend. she actually was not that interested in it. i also did not go, and also felt if anyone wanted something they could bid on it. so sorry your mom took it hard- but really there is no easy way to do this.</p>
<p>I find that lately my emotions vacillate between anxiety and guilt. Catastrophe lurks around every corner, and most decisions seem to involve choosing between the lesser of two evils.</p>
<p>^^ Perfect description of the last 3 years of my life.</p>
<p>Agreed. A day at a time.</p>
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<p>It’s the best time to have an estate sale. That way she removes the few things she wants and she can use the money from the sale.</p>
<p>My husband always asks me, “what was the crisis du jour”? There is always something that needs immediate attention between my mother, MIL, and aunt. Lately, my husband’s aunt has been calling for help. I cannot say “no”, so he told me not to answer the phone when she calls. He listens to the message and calls her son. Trying this weekend to arrange a way to get my 96 yr old aunt, 88 yr old mother, and 85 yr old aunt to bring them about 2 hrs away to visit with their 98 yr old sister. The 4 sisters were always very close and keep asking to see eachother. My cousins don’t seem too interested. The four of them haven’t been all together in about 8 yrs. They are in very poor health and I would love to see them spend about an hour or so together.</p>
<p>GTAlum … well, she wasn’t “allowed” to go pick anything from the house. She has been there 3 times since Oct 2 last year and they were not good. We are talking about a woman who made a shrine to her mother out of her whole house. Grandma died in 1985 and her clothes were still in the dresser. Yeah, if Mom had been more normal we might have had her participate. This is also the woman that got furious with I went up in years past and threw away stacks of magazines. We weren’t allowed to touch the boxes of crap in the garage or she got hysterical. I picked out stuff to drag to her AL one-bedroom place. She seems happy enough with what is there, but I don’t know if it is her favorites because EVERYTHING was her favorite. And in years past, the stories about the meaning of stuff changed… example, I know she got some jewelry from a garage sale. It was junk. … but all at once this was the priceless treasure that her sister wore at her graduation blah blah blah. So I can’t pick special stuff for her on her words.
But she can use the money. And having someone professional price the stuff and sort and wash and run the sale is worth every single cent.</p>
<p>EXmotherx2… I can’t IMAGINE juggling more than one person! Iknow my brother is doing some of that since he has Dad at his house, his MIL is bad and went off chemo because she might as well enjoy the end of her life and the chemo was just making her sicker, and my mom. When cousins are not helping that is infuriating! (for their own Moms). If distance is too much, are there any grandkids with technology that could go make a SKYPE conference? I have decided that the grandkids are adults and I started asking them to chip in to help (example, asked nephew to sell the silver on ebay, should have said auction it, but he took it is the main thing). </p>
<p>LasMa , three years. I am coming up on one year and my marriage has cracks that I didn’t expect, I swear I am getting an ulcer. But I also think after Oct, Nov when we get more cash from the estate sale and auctions that I’ll do better. Mom is actually doing pretty well in the place, her dementia has her live in the moment so she doesn’t realize she has been there that long. She still goes out on the bus every time they have an outing. They go twice a month at least. </p>
<p>Anxiety, guilt, anger, sorrow. Even happy things are bitter sweet. Wedding was really nice, but then the next week, she called asking when we were leaving to go to it again…
I am getting hardened to the guilt thing though. I know I am doing the best I can with the balance I have to maintain with H, Mom and my own self. I don’t feel guilty (lie, I feel a little guilty, but I do it anyway, feeling a little entitled!) if I pay for something that makes my life easier (example stay in hotel instead of Mom’s house or with Mom because I just NEED it).</p>
<p>Today I had to tell my mom that now would be a good time to learn how to change the thermostat in the house. This has been my dad’s job since - always. He’s been having heart problems and they are not going away. He was in the hosp last week and it is highly likely that this won’t be the last hosp visit. He’s actually not doing well at all but we aren’t saying that to my mom. </p>
<p>I pointed out to her that he’ll most likely have to be in the hosp again and she may want to change the temp in the house. So, she should learn how to do this.</p>
<p>Sigh. I am curious to see if she’ll remain helpless or if she’ll actually begin to learn how to do some things around the house. I fear that widowhood is closer than she realized. My dad does everything. Bills, lawn, repairs. Even a lot of the grocery shopping and food prep.</p>
<p>esobay- i was thinking the same thing about guilt- i really don’t have any- i don’t think i have an antisocial personality- i just think things through to the nth degree and then go for it with a little of rationalization mixed in I’m good to go on to the next problem at hand. yes i stay in a hotel when i visit for a weekend which is about every 2 to 3 months.</p>
<p>bookreader- i hope your mom goes for the challenge- my mom was 85 when she had to learn things- they were not easy and she panicked most of the time- we ended up taking over the bills with her mail forwarded, having meals on wheels, and calling the repair guys ourselves all from 500 -2000 miles away. we got the references from neighbors or relatives. i was just there to check on her. I set the thermostat at 72.</p>
<p>Book reader, I’m sorry about your dad’s health problems. If there is anything you/other relatives can do to be proactive now it might save some time later. I’m wondering if someone can write out in simple steps how to adjust the thermostat? When my dad died, my mom was completely lost. Her hoarder issues were the least of her problems. I typed up, in a very large font, instructions for various things around the house as well as phone lists that we posted on the wall next to every phone. She had memory issues and couldn’t really learn and remember instructions. It is really hard to suddenly be available for all the things where your parent may need help.</p>
<p>Does anyone else have trouble with rehab services that seem shortstaffed and don’t follow the doctor’s instructions? My mom called yesterday (to apologize for her bad behavior when we visited a few weeks ago – amazing, first time EVER). She said they are going in to see the rehab people because she is not getting as many visits as the doctor requested. This was also a problem when I was visiting, and I talked to them about it (and they stepped up the visits). She is still having speech issues, so does need speech therapy still. Sigh. I am not totally sure my dad even knows who to talk about this, nor how to navigate if it is Medicare rules that might be limiting the visits. </p>
<p>Speaking of “brothers in denial”, my brother who lives in their town is pretty useless. He shows up at their house for lunch once a week (expecting them to feed him), and as far as I can tell that is all he is doing. Not offering to help (mowing the lawn, weeding, etc.). He certainly wouldn’t get involved in something like this speech therapy issue. Sigh.</p>
<p>And my mom also told me yesterday that they are going to let her drive again in 2 months. :eek: This is NOT a good idea, she was having driving issues before her stroke. I don’t know if it is really true, but am worried that it might be…</p>
<p>We are going to have to see that instructions are written out in a nice, neat hand. My mom wigs out over bad handwriting. </p>
<p>And I’ll be asking about it this week. Did Dad teach you? Did you write it down? Do you need me to write it down? </p>
<p>My mom is young enough to do this; she is simply unaccustomed to even think about these things, let alone have to do them. This will be interesting…</p>