<p>Bookreader - I know that if my dad died today, my mom would not be able to function. Her dementia on top of the fact that my dad took care of everything so she never worried about anything besides food, would certainly put her in a nursing home. I am sure my dad’s Alzheimer’s is more progressive than mom’s, but his cognitive function (though not his memory) is much better than hers. I taught me to never take your spouse for granted.</p>
<p>^^thanks.
My mom is in for a very rude awakening. And the fall out will not be fun to watch but I will have to be involved.
I am fortunate in that my brother is not AWOL nor Egyptian (you know, in DENIAL) in all this. But I live 2 houses away and he’s 25 min away, so more falls to me. But at least we are united and can talk out any challenges that come up.</p>
<p>When my mom was having OT after her stroke, they were trying to get her to practice paying bills. She told them that she has never done that before (because my dad has always done it), so really didn’t need it to part of her OT. I am sort of assuming she will be the first to die because her health seems more fragile, but I suppose it could unexpectedly go the other way. But I just have a hard time wrapping my head around being in your 80s and never having paid a bill…</p>
<p>Another issue is her checkbook. She has always gotten an “allowance” from my dad, and spent a ton on clothes, hair, etc. She doesn’t want him to know how much, so won’t let him handle the checkbook now. But she can’t possibly do it right now. My dad wanted me to look at it while I was home, but no one knows where the last couple of statements are… the accounts seems to have a healthy balance based on the balance on a receipt from a deposit my dad just made, so I told him that. But with no one really keeping track of the balances, what checks she is writing, etc., who knows where that money will end up? Sigh…</p>
<p>intparent- is online banking an option for you to check on things?</p>
<p>That would assume that either parent would give me access to their bank accounts or add me to them. As if… 
Still working to get dad to re-do their POAs so my brother or someone other than “each other” has POA.</p>
<p>intparent - Will your dad, who wants you to keep track of your mom’s checkbook give you access to the account? It’s been great for me that my dad’s forgotten how to log onto the account, and I set him up with a new password so that I now have access to the account. I can click on the checks that are written and see what they are for. However, like me, a lot of stuff goes on the credit card and I need to review the statement every month. That’s a bit tougher.</p>
<p>Re the thermostat: I set my parents’ on 73 and showed them how to move from cool to heat. Mark that button with a colored dot. That was easier for them than trying to work the numbers. They had to use a flashlight to read the heat, cool, and off. Now that my dad is gone, my mother keeps things at 74, but last week she got cold so just turned on the heat. </p>
<p>Okay, whatever works.</p>
<p>Their thermostat is a fancy electronic one, so there’s no place for a colored dot. I think I remember that they did that years ago when they had that kind of thermostat. It was nice and easy to see.</p>
<p>My brother went over today and he said that my dad said he taught my mom how to do it. We shall see… Fingers crossed!!</p>
<p>bookreader, for a couple of things like this, I’ve typed up instructions in large print and posted them in the appropriate place, in your case, maybe right next to the thermostat. It worked pretty well for teaching Mom to find music videos on youtube, not so much for teaching them how to use the Comcast remote.</p>
<p>I wanted to share with you all a tip that I finally figured out, after 3-1/2 years! It regards nursing homes and the tendency for clothes to go missing.</p>
<p>In my experience, anything taken into a nursing home has an excellent chance of being lost forever, so obviously don’t let your loved one check in with any valuables, including a watch. But we had a terrible time with good at-home clothes being lost. So a couple of weeks ago, I went to Target and bought Dad a nursing home wardrobe – 8 inexpensive t-shirts/polos, and 4 gym shorts (dad’s in a leg cast, so no pants this time). I laundered them, then Sharpie-d his name in LARGE, BOLD letters in very visible places. Forget putting names on the tags, I’m convinced the laundries don’t even look. Since this is just for the nursing home, I don’t care that the clothes are defaced. And since they’re cheap, I don’t care much if they get lost. But so far, they haven’t.</p>
<p>When he gets out, I’ll gather them all up and take them home with me, wash them, and put them in a bag where I can easily grab them for the next nursing home stay. This solves another problem, having to go to their place and scramble around for clothes each time he’s admitted.</p>
<p>GTAlum, my parents don’t have any online banking accounts set up. My mom does not use the computer at all, although she does have an ATM card for getting cash out. My dad doesn’t even have an ATM card… thinks they are somehow unsafe… have never actually gotten him to explain why, just know he thinks that. Although he does use the computer, he would probably be pretty mistrustful of an online banking account of any kind.</p>
<p>It is possible to set up an on-line banking account for your parents, even if they never use it themselves. I did this with their full knowledge and cooperation, as well as PoA, but on a pragmatic note, it could have been done with none of the above if they haven’t already set one up. Of course, if you are actually doing transactions with their online banking, that is different. Not advocating this approach, just stating an option if indicated. Some friends found that their parents were on board for setting it up should the time come when they need or want help. In the interim, you can get a feel for how the account is being handled by signing in periodically if you have concerns.</p>
<p>Great idea about nursing home clothes, LasMa.</p>
<p>Yes, I agree that someday that might work (online banking account). Right now I can’t imagine my dad agreeing to it, though… he is quite mistrustful of these types of things, and would think it would be an opening for someone to review his finances or take his money. And I suppose technically if someone got hold of the password it would be. Obviously not going to let that happen, and I do most of my banking online myself. But he would not see it that way… will keep it in mind as a possible future suggestion, though.</p>
<p>Brilliant clothing idea LasMa.
I’m saving that one for future reference.</p>
<p>Bookreader–We had the programmable thermostat taken out and replaced with the simple one. It was my dad’s idea during a time when his vision was declining and he had screwed it all up. So much easier to flick from cool to heat, but even then we marked the button so as not to confuse it with the fan and temp degrees buttons.</p>
<p>Not seeking advice - but I have no one to talk to about this. FIL lasted one month in assisted living before they asked him to leave. I guess he was upsetting to the other residents. He was flirting with the female staff and caterwauling in the afternoons. So mil moved him to another place where they are better equipped to deal with him (hopefully). But mil is in a constant state of anger toward my h (her son). She called and asked him to drop everything to glue something together for her and when he said he couldn’t do it right then she hung up on him. She decided to sell her house out from under fil and get something smaller. On paper that seems like a good idea but the last time they sold their house they moved within one mile of us and stopped speaking to us for five years. My children essentially grew up without grandparents when they lived within walking distance of our house. So its really hard now to cater to her whims and then when you refuse to she hangs up on you. She’s always mad at us - when we do see her, the anger and disdain is always there boiling under the surface. Then there is sil who is also angry at us for some unknown reason. She won’t even return calls. She lives out of state but it would be nice to talk to her every now and then about what is happening with the folks. I have a feeling she would say the same thing about my h as many of you say about your unhelpful brothers. But, honestly, when the relationships have been so bad for so many years - how do you cope with that? I’ve been married into this family for more than 30 years and still feel like such an outsider. I have no choice but to let my husband handle it his own way - but if I had my way I’d call them all out on it and ask them what they’re so mad about all the time. How can you fix whatever it is you did to them when they won’t communicate?</p>
<p>P.S. - I don’t know how to use the thermostat or the satellite remote either!</p>
<p>Funny about the thermostat. My parents had a simple one when they first moved in to their retirement community 2 months ago. But, my dad decided it was “old” and “not accurate,” and “asked” them to replace it with a programmable one. When I went over yesterday, he confessed that he couldn’t work it. I told him that all the gadgets mean I just have to find out how to work it and I’m getting old myself!</p>
<p>It’s interesting with all the mom’s who seems so dependent on their spouses. Is this a cultural thing with people of their age? Was it the social norms to set up the household in such a way with women in a position in that they “needed” their husband?</p>
<p>GTalum–I know older women who claim they can’t navigate around the town they’ve lived in for 40 years because “my husband always drove us everywhere.” Now that he’s gone, they’re helpless, and too old to learn, probably.</p>
<p>I can understand not paying attention to money market accounts, or life insurance (beyond knowing that we have enough) but not knowing how to work the thermostat or other day-to-day activities…in our house it’s more likely that my H doesn’t know how to do something! He was out of town so much, I would go ahead and do stuff and he would have to ask ME how it worked. Or where we keep the spare light bulbs…</p>
<p>PhotoOp: Oh, gawd, the mother thing parallels my story. Just know we understand. Lately, I’ve found some thought provoking advice by googling. I’m still working my way through it. But some suggest the anger/control is a kickback to their childhood frustrations. Not that that helps me know what to do. Boy, do I get the wanting to let out the anger. Mine pulled the same absentee grandma thing. I feel fortunate that we got our kids through this.</p>
<p>My main thing, at this point, is making sure my kids don’t suffer this same sort of crap from me, that I am aware and don’t inadvertently continue the cycle.</p>
<p>I never replaced the batteries in my programmable thermostat, so I treat it like the old fashioned sort.</p>
<p>It is definitely cultural with my parents! My mom only worked for a few years, then quit her job (teaching) when they were married and never went back. Her job was to keep the household running and raise the kids. Dinner on the table at 6 pm, etc. Dad went to work, paid the bills, and mowed the lawn. When I got married my parents were somewhat scandalized that my ex-H sometimes changed diapers and I paid bills. But my dad has definitely been the “boss” and expects to be treated that way still.</p>
<p>Since my mom’s stroke my dad has been doing the cooking – and I don’t think that is going so well. Lots of ham salad sandwiches on white bread… hardly any fruits and vegetables. Not that my mom served a lot, but more than he does. Which is resulting in constipation issues for mom… and at least two medications to deal with it. She does say she doesn’t like fruit, but if you cut up a peach or an apple for her she eats it (I did this when Dad was out of town for a few days and I was staying with her). And she likes ceasar salad mix, we had that a couple of days with lunch. I mentioned this to Dad, since he is worried about how many medications she is on. I reminded him that he doesn’t have to eat it if he doesn’t want to, but it would be good for her. But I don’t think he has changed their diet at all…</p>
<p>Intparent, could you buy some of those single-serving canned fruit packs and leave them for your dad and mom? Obviously fresh fruit would be cheaper and better for her, but it’s pretty easy to just pull open a little packet of canned peaches, and it might be better than nothing.</p>